The Joys of Single...Wifehood?

I know that the title of this blog is an oxymoron. You cannot, obviously, be single and a wife at the same time. I could preach on that for a while… so when I say the Joys of single wifehood I am not describing it as the following:
1. A married person who does not want to be married so they whore around and act single.
2. Not being fully committed to someone but living with them and acting married.

I am however talking about those of us women who love and adore their husbands and are completely faithful to them and yet never see them. I am in this position right now. The biggest problem with never seeing someone is that the limited time you do have together has so much more potential to end negatively. Think of it this way…you are two people in a partnership and when you are together you feel the need to make up for all the lack and to fix all problems. Well since marriage is a lifetime commitment you cannot fix a lifetime of speed bumps in an hour less of time. This is the time when he comes home from work, the gym, etc and I am either already in bed or cooking chicken up so that I can go to bed. So I manage to keep myself awake long enough to..well argue with him. What about you say? Well everything. The beautiful and infuriating thing about being a wife is that you are in charge of keeping your home a clean and happy environment. My biggest issue is that I am a wife that works full time out of the home. Then I come home and clean or ignore the mess and then run errands to help keep my home clean or a mess LOL. Then I try to pretend that I am a good wife by attempting to cook or bake something and if I ever go out and do something for me then my home suffers that neglect. If I have a day off then I am running around paying rent and making sure RGE is paid and doing laundry. If my husband has a day off he is at the gym or riding his bike or hanging out with friends. Yeah I am gonna get pissy! Whether this is my job or not I sometimes feel l like a maid. I live there to get stuff done but I never see the man that I moved in with. I do not have these feelings all of the time but we go through periods of time where this happens and I feel burned out. Granted the man that I wanna scream at as soon as he walks in the door has spent a lot if not all of his day working. I easily forget that when I am feeling like the forgotten servant. Sure he is out providing for me with his full time job but at this point we are equal providers and I also have a full time job at home. As much as we need the money my biggest stress is when I am sitting at work and I am thinking of all the things that I need to get accomplished at home. Sure my boss is paying me but when I go home and I need a sanctuary and there are dishes up to my ceiling I want to stomp my feet. I don’t just wanna stomp my feet I want to put holes in my floor! This week I have been looking at them and running to hide in my messy bedroom where I can’t see the dishes. Then I see the laundry piled in the closets and I want to set my apartment on fire. This is a sure indication that instead of running around and putting workouts as a priority I need to clean my home and get it back to that relaxing realm.
I have thought about refusing to make any more chicken or pasta until the existing dishes get cleaned but I feel like Mark would rather starve himself than put a dish in the dishwasher. Tonight I have church so when I leave work and head home I will have about an hour before I need to get myself ready for church. I like to nap in that hour but I am trying to psych myself to get the kitchen cleaned up. I am not sure if that is going to happen because that is what we argued about this morning, I may leave it until later tonight when I get home and I know that he will be home so maybe I will finally get some help ;)
I wonder what it is going to feel like when I have kids someday…Yikes. The joys of single motherhood. Oh well I am not pregnant yet so that’s not a concern at this time.

Physical Fitness = Mental Issues

Ok so aybe it is just me but there is something bad that happens to me mentally when I am trying to get physically in shape. I mentioned in my last blog that I would update my blog and tell all of you readers bow its been going so here it is:
My first day was last tuesday the 7th and it started off bad and almost ruined me. I went home and changed my clothes and headed straight for the gym. I was very enthused and ready to go and I burst into the room only to find that all of the machines were being used and on top of that everyone in the gym room just stared at me. I stood there for about 30 seconds and all of my enthusiasm drained away. I had to head home defeated and tell my usband that I couldnt even get on a treadmill and that just made me grumpy. Now mind you my husband has off from work on tuesdays so he was home and had been expecting me gone for at least 30 minutes. By the time I stomped back up the stairs to my apartment i was fuming at the world! How dare tehy ruin my plans to get in shape and be healthy and sexy! The people in the gym were all middle aged and just taking up space lol! at least in my mind I deserved to be there way more. When I got home I immediately started whining to my husband about not being able to work out and of course he had all of these suggestions none of which worked for me. I told him that I would wait until he left and then jsut do things at home. When he left I still sat on my couch pouting and thinking horrible thoughts about what a waste of time this was. I will never have the body I want and I will never be good enough and I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep and I want to eat whatever i want without counting he calories....on and on my misery went until I thought about the real reason I had started this. I ws doing this to be healthy not be a crazed maniac. So i got my butt off of the the couch and I did my workout. it was only about 30 minutes long and did not even involve alot of cardio and yet when I got done I could barely breathe and I was all red faced. I felt like I was going to throw up and I was even more grumpy than before. This was not at all how I pictured things going and it killed my attitude and any drive I had. i stood in the shower and balled because after putting myself through hell when I looked in the mirror I still hated what I saw. Luckily my husband was not home for any of this or he would have had me locked up for sure. Miraculously the next morning I woke up sore and that cured me. i finally realized that I had done something and that my body was feeling it. It renewed my desire to do the work out and to eat better. So the next day I did it again this time actually gping outside to jog and walk and ever since it has been going well and I have been doing good in eating and mentally i felt fine and happy...until today. I am tired today and its wednesday which means that it is a work out day for me but I do not want to do it. I did not last night because it was a night off for me and it was valentines and today I am thinking that I just want to relax and lay down. This may ahve something to do with the fact that I have my period but I am just not feeling the whole workout thing. I am determined to do something but I am not committing to a full routine today. I do not want to be coe one of those psychotic poeple who panic when they can't do what they feel like they need to do. You see last night I didn't eat so good because my husband made dinner for me and I made brownies and we had ice cream and today I feel fat and disgusting and sluggish. I shouldn't have to freak out if I have a treat or if I go over my allotted 1200 calories.I do not want this to be an obsession. I do want this to work out for me but if my pace is not meeting peoples expectations I do not want to feel like a failure. I am hoping that my physical and mental health will come together and that I will be just fine. Today I am going to hang out with a friend and just chat and I think that will do wonders for my mental stability. Also she has been through this whole workout ordeal and I know that she will have advice and wisdom. Any ideas or comments on how to get over this blah attitude would be greatly appreciated.

Workout Worries

I have decided that I want to start working out. I want a good body, although it may never be model worthy, and I want to be and feel healthy. When I get pregnant I want to already be practicing good habits and I want to be in shape. I think that I will feel better during pregnancy if I start being active now and keep that going. Plus I want my husband to LOVE and yeah LUST for my body. I mean he is my husband its not like I would be causing him to sin ;) I am not saying that he doesn't already but I know I can get better and I know that he will absolutely appreciate it. I have been drinking a butt load...or would that be bladder load...of water. I have also been peeing like a pregnant woman! I can't stop there. I have also been trying to make healthier choices in my meal decisions. I will admit that is going about 40% well lol! The other 60% is going to get whipped into submission. The first time I lost weight I did it the more popular and extremely dangerous way. I worked out a little and ate even less. I literally cut my food intake by half and changed what I did eat. It worked! I lost weight and I got some attention that I had been seeking. I wasn't married back then and I was young and being healthy was right below being beautiful on my list of priorities. I managed to keep the weight off too but I also didn't feel energized or super great...that didn't matter back then. Years later after promising myself that I would work out and eat, but eat healthy over and over I have finally decided on it. I have a determination and mostly because I know that shortly my husband and I want to start a family. I want my body to be at its best so that I can provide a healthy habitat for my future lima bean (reference to another post). So I have turned to the person I trust the most who has experience in this area, my husband! Now we are talking about a man that used to do hardcore workouts daily, I am not there yet! So he finally writes my workout and then zips off to redbox. I sit on the couch to check out my new activities and I am staring in fear! I swear he wrote down every exercise he knows! For example: CARDIO- Speed Walk, Jog, Run. ARMS- Curls, Tricep Extensions, Dips, and Push ups....the list goes on for all of my body! I don't even know what most of these are! It is an evil list! The list of my undoing! I am doomed! Why did I ever go to the freakin muscle man for a workout???
I have had about seven conversations with myself and now he is home and I cautiously approached him about it. He said something about me pushing myself in everything I do and I was like "I can"! Let me tell you that when I am doing his workout its going to be more like the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Well darn it I think that I can. I am going to give it my best shot. I am sure you, my faithful reader, will be having some interesting stories to come. My game plan is to start tomorrow and if my arms aren't broken you should have an update in a day or two. I will just tell myself this is for the healthy future of my babies and my sex life and that will be my motivation.

Life...is not what I thought it was

To anyone reading this blog, I am forewarning you. The subject I am speaking on is somewhat delicate and involves a prostitute and some of my family members. This blog is my own view on my life and my revelation and we live in America so I have the freedom to feel and say whatever I want (at least for now) ;) If you feel uncomfortable in any way do not read it and honestly if truth makes you uncomfortable you should probably delete my blog from your list. For anyone whose interest was sparked read on...

Today I went to my parents house to see my sister and get her help and expert advice on Valentines Day card making. The house is always somewhat chaotic with at least 3 young children there at all times. Today was no different and in fact it was the first time in a long time kids and loud noises didn't just irritate me. The little princess (Eva) is sick and my sister is currently without a car. She took mine and I stayed with my parents and the kids while she went to get medicine. Unfortunately Wal-Mart during the first week of month on super bowl weekend meant the thirty minute trip took two hours. During this two hours something happened. Let me give you a quick run down on my uncle's recent activity so you can better understand the story. In the past year or more, I believe it has been longer, he left his family, started dating a prostitute he met, and was no longer hush hush about his various addictions. I have felt disgusted for my aunt and cousins and just disturbed that a man who called himself a man of God could go that low. Let me just interject a belief of mine...at your lowest you are in the best position to be rescued. I haven't thought of it that way at all until now. I felt simply disgusted. He had a family! He broke their hearts and tore that family apart for a woman who made money by doing various acts of intimacy with many, many men. I would shudder and be repulsed just thinking about it. I would speak out in anger when someone mentioned it and I didn't want her near me or my family. Without even meeting this woman I had her branded and hell bound. My life is no cake walk and my attitude just sucks most of the time but I am a faithful wife and I couldn't imagine a man leaving a faithful wife for something so broken. I still do not understand and I never want to have to know that feeling. I talk so much about unconditional love and true love and not judging people and yet I never had to put it to practice with someone that I didn't know. As I write this there are literally tears in my eyes because something in me is finally breaking and finally realizing.
My uncle and who, until today I referred to as the prostitute that ruined my cousins lives, showed up at my parents. She sat in the car while my uncle came in. He looked skinny to me and beat down and I stared at the man who's house I had grown up in. He is not that man anymore. He was hungry, almost starved and they had no money so he was picking up some things my dad was holding for him and he was going to pawn it. He said for gas and food but it could have been drugs and cigarettes. I don't even care what it is anymore. Him and my dad talked and went from the garage to the house getting things ready. When they came back in my dad said that my uncles girlfriend wouldn't come in. She didn't feel comfortable. After all we were the family of the people who's home was wrecked. When my dad said she wouldn't come in I didn't even feel relieved I felt broken. I felt what she must feel every day of her life. Drugs and sex are not who she is, it is what she does because she is bound by sin. It's no different than the pretty girl who drinks all night with her friends and has sex with many boys but who holds a normal job and lives a seemingly happy life. The only difference is that this woman chose prostitution as her way to get money for her next fix and so they labeled her with the name 'Prostitute.' My dad asked me to get my uncle some food while they finished up in the garage and before I could stop myself I said "What should I make for...." I am not going to write her name on here. I don't think that's important after all I don't have their permission to write this so some anonymity is probably necessary. My uncle just said that if I didn't mind making two of what he was having then she might eat that. I fully expected them to take it out to the car for her but God knows. She came into the house a few minutes later cautiously and with no reserve I went up to her and welcomed her into the house. She didn't even look that old and she just started going on and on about how beautiful my parents house was and how much she adored my niece and nephews. Whatever I expected from a prostitute was not what I saw. Now I obviously know that they are human but I never pictured them as people. Sure she has scars, wounds even and she is broken. That's ok with me because that just means she can be fixed and rescued. Her and my uncle both. My dad said that when they were leaving she kept saying how nice we were. I would much rather that than her having had to sit in the car eating a bowl of chili alone. God knows what he is doing and I am going with that rather than my own self justified ideas. I'm not saying that God made my uncle mess up his families life so a prostitute had a chance to meet Jesus. I am saying that God can make any situation into something good and perfect. Now my uncle and his girlfriend and my aunt and my cousins have a chance to finally be saved. They all already thought they were and yes God can have mercy on anyone he chooses but now I believe that they have an even greater chance to get what they really need.
I do not ever want to look at a person at just assume I know their life story. How can I know what hurts and fears a person has, I can't. How can I know why they live the way they do? Today I learned something about myself. I learned something about a woman that I had pre judged. We all want love but more than that we all need love.

I have no idea what is wrong with me...

Lately and by lately I mean since monday night there has been something seriously wrong with me. There are small things that have been happening that are normally minor annoyances, not so much these past two days. These things have been devestating to me. Monday night I was practically in a rage. There is nothing that should make me act like this. I am not PMSing and I am not currently on my period, in fact this didnt start until my period was ending. I don't even have that as an excuse. I'm not pregnant and that I know for sure unless Im going to be the second woman in history to experience immaculate conception. I was not terribly stressed out about anything. I am just flying off the handle for no good reason. It all started Monday night as I began to clean my home. I knew it hadn't been done in a while and I knew that it was nopt going to just be a pick up and go kind of thing. I had myself armed with windex, pledge, numerous rags, and a vacuum. I started off my mission in the kitchen. My husband does not clean up after himself by any definition of the meaning. I think that at one point I asked him to start putting his dirty dishes into the dish washer or at the very least bring them from the living room into the kitchen. For the most part they make it to the kitchen sink now, not what I orginally asked for but better than nothing. This being the case I expected a sink full of dishes so that was not what set me off. The one other thing that I ask my husband to do to help me in our home is to take the garbage out. That means not only the huge back we pull out of the garbage can twice a week but also the things we recycle. The bags go out without too much cajoling on my end. The stuff we supposedly recycle is another matter all together and that, my friends, is what started off the rage! Counters were cleaned, dishes were done and put away and my next mission was the floor. I stared at the rather full garbage can and the random cans, bottles, and pizza boxes piled up agianst my wall and debated with myself: "Should I just clean around it? Should I give in like I do evry other time and just take it out? Should I text angry texts to Mark and tell him that I am going on strike?" All of these thoughts ran through my head. I decided that once again i will take the higher road and do it myself. I was annoyed at this point because all of that could have been avoided if what I asked for was taken care of. Lets just say that after struggling got get the recycled crap all into a trash bag without ripping the entire thing open my annoyance was at a bit of higher level. Then I turned to the garbage can. Easy Peesy Lemon Squeezy??? NOT SO MUCH! The bag did not want to come out of the grabage can and as I was yanking the bag over and over again it started to rip. The convenient red handles were literally ripping through the freaking bag. Im huffing and puffing and red faced by now and hopping mad. Finally the bag comes out and it has quite a few holes and tears along the top of the bag. I set it on the floor so that I can wipe out the grabage can and put a new bag in. I may have actually benn calming down when I finally grabbed the two bags of garbage( remember the struggle with recycled, or not recycled in this case, bag) and head out the door. Thats when I notice that something liquid and light brown has leaked out of one of the bags and is all over my kitchen floor and it smells rotten. That feeling of calm disappeared so fast that to this day I do not know if it was ever really there or if I just imagined it. Im not sure what excatly I yelled out at the bag but Im pretty sure that I cannot repeat it on here or ever again. I swear there were tears in my eyes at this point. I managed to get down the apartment stairs without tripping or getting the foul smelling, leaking liquid all over me. I walked to the other end of the parking lot before I realized that my pant legs were dragging through the wet parking lot the entire time. Now they were hanging low and also were dragged through the nasty building that the garbage cans are in. I toss both bags into the nearest trash can whether it was for recycling or not and sprint back to my home. I roll up my pant legs and go to town on the kitchen floor. I am in no way clam but I am also trying to tell myself that this is not serious and it is not my husband's fault. I should not lash out irrationally at him and I should just get over it because honestly this is my life. I go through this every time I clean my home. I take a good 3 hours out of my day when I want to clean. This night was different, this night it enraged me. My rage may have helped spurr me forward and my living room was spotless and the couches were all vacuumed and pillows fluffed. I had just started on the bedroom when my poor unsuspecting husband walked in. I thought that I was going to be ok. I was still pissy but i figured I could be pissy and not direct it at him and maybe still ahve a decent night. Oh how wrong I was. He came in complaining about how sore he was while I sat sweaty on the floor folding up my clothes. Then he flings himself onto the nice clean bed that I had just made up and I bit my tongue. I tired to tell him that I was exhausted and sore as well and he laughed me off. I told him that I felt like cleaning up the house had been a work out and he just laughed at me. The blood began to boil. So I started with the snapping: "yeah well i had alot to do because Im the only one that does it"! and "I work a full time job too and then have a home to take care of" and "You can't even handle the one thng that I ask you to do...garbage"! He managed all of this pretty well. I tried to calm down so I weakly throw out there..." can you just go into your closet and get out what needs to be cleaned tonight" His reply "everything in there needs to be cleaned" I say "can you separate it into piles of whites and colors"? he says "sure". Then I notice that I have no empty baskets because the last time I did the laundry he left all of his clothes in them and they were still sitting there. I then kindly tell him I will separate the clothes if he can put his clothes away. He agrees and I think that we are getting somewhere and that maybe now I will get some help. I start sorting his clothes and he walks out of the room. I go "hey babe I need these baskets tonight". He tells me to put the clothes in them on the floor. OMG this defeats the whole dang purpose of cleaning up so I try in my best mom voice ( yeah I used the mom voice on my husband *giggle*) to get him back in the room to get the job done. I say " I want this done right now, not tomorrow". Yeah epic fail on that one. He came rigt back into the room but not to obey my commands. Basically he said no and left no room for argument. I slammed a couple of doors and threw his clothes in a pile in front of his dresser. I am brat. I admit this openly and I also admit that it gets the better of me most of the time. I decide to get into the shower before I start the laundy and I am standing there naked when he drops the bomb that really blows me up and ruins the evening. He asks if he should make bacon and eggs for dinner or mac and cheese. I tell him whatever he wants and he says mac and cheese. I say ok and then he says the dreaded words: "I was kind of hoping that you would make it" Insert explosion! I literally yell "KInd of like I was hoping you could help me out today??? I guess we are both disappointed"! Then as he yells whatever I hop into the shower and stay in there until I know that he has already eaten. Then I sat in my room all night with a book until i went to bed. So life went on and I apologized and it was over but then last night the ridiculous rage reared its head. I was finishing up some laundry and the drier didnt dry one of my loads. I was out of quarters and completely out of patience for house work. I run upstairs to ask mark if he has more quarters and he is just laying there staring at me. I mean he didn't have quarters but he didnt come up with any solutions. I am at my breaking point and he is sitting there watching the smurfs movie while I am missing it trying to come up with a solution. So when I come back up with abasket of wet clothes and I snap "Is it too much work for you to pause the movie whole i hang these up"? The poor man didn't even respond. he just paused the movie and waited. My husband is an incredible man. I yell and yell at him and he mostly takes it. So as I was sitting on the couch pouting he nudges me and asks me if I want a smurf! Haha! This is why I love my husband. I can be in a complete rage and he knows how to make me smile. I wonder what is it about these past few days that have small issues sending me into a rage. Hopefully whatever it is goes away soon or I learn how to better deal with it.

New Year's Resolutions...

...I do not have any. There are things that I would like to change, but not just because it is a new year. These are things that I have been wanting to change forever. Things that I dislike about myself, things that I wish I did better. There are people I want to love more and some people that I do not want in my life anymore. If that sounds wrong somehow then keep reading and I will explain.
1. Things that I dislike about myself: I want to be thinner and I want to be more tan and I want perfect eyebrows and naturally bright red lips and soft shiny hair. I want to have the image of a Victoria's Secret model. Probably because their fantastic bodies are splashed all over the place and it may have something to do with the fact that my husband one time mentioned one as being beautiful... (If Adriana Lima is ever found dead and I can't be fopund in this country then you know why). These images make me feel inadequate. I also realize that these pictures are airbrushed and there is a lot of make up and fake everything involved. Am I a horrible person to admit that I would take some pretty durastic measures if I knew I could look like that. Instead I sit on my couch and watch netflix and eat snacks because that is what I enjoy doing. People tell me that once I start working out I will enjoy it. Obsess over it is a more accurate description. I have been there before. I may or may not start taking that up soon. I will not make a resolution about it because then I will feel like it is a chore and like people are expecting something from me.
Things I wish I did better: I wish that I was the kind of wife that loved to come home and make dinner and have the whole house in order before her husbnad got home. I am not. I hate cooking and I clean about once a week. Usually my husbnad comes home late and when he gets home I am in bed or on the couch. On the noights that he is home before nine I want to sit there and hang out with him not be in the kitchen the whole night. I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that I work a full time job. If I didn't then I would have no excuses and I would be able to work out and clean and at least attempt to cook. So basically I wish that I did my wifely duties better and that I didnt use all of my energy and resources in the working world.
People that I wish I loved more: I wish that I loved people more completely. I wish that I didnt have alot of the hang ups that I have and that I was able to just completely let go of anything nef=gative. Thats not to sy that people I love wont continue to let me down whether intentional or not, but I don't want the ways people have let me down in the past get in the way of how I treat people now. The people that are probably affected most by this are: My husband and my family. My husband the most. When I say that I wish I loved these people more I do not mean that I do not love them with everything that I have now. I do wish that somehow that love could be bigger and better and I know that, that will only happen when things change inside of me.
People that I do not want in my life anymore: There are people that simply bring you down. Sometimes you do not even realize that they are until you leave the situation. Negativity is a no no. Trying to constantly one up is you is a no no. You need to surround yourself with truth and love and there has been too many instances for me where that is not the case. Then you find yourself falling into that pattern and becoming the negative one. Influence is subtle but it is lasting and to get rid of it you need to cut that person( or rather the spirit) off. That person doesn't even have to be a physical entity in your life. The simple memory of a person can be almost as bad. I want to cut them off completely and not have any part opf the negative those people have left behind. So no I do not have new years resolutions. These things may or may not happen in this year for me a new year is not a new start. A new day is a new start. Everyday I will live with detremination to be the best that I can be and forget yesteday and not worry about tomorrow.

One Year

One year ago today I married the man of my dreams...literally. I dreamt of the day he would finally be mine. It's funny how women pray for a man with certain qualities and say that he needs to be this and that. I prayed for three years to marry Mark knowing that he didn't have the qualities that a good husband needed. Here's what I knew for sure I wouldn't marry him if he wasn't in the church and by in the church I didn't mean just coming to church, I meant being fully invested in the church and what we believe. So that being said I prayed to marry Mark and only Mark because I knew that if I married him he would have at some point possessed the qualities and virtues necessary to be a great man. On December 3rd of 2010 I married Mark. My life was forever changed. Alot of the changes were amazing and wonderful. Some of the changes were slightly painful growing experiences, all of the changes were life altering. I know we have so many more hurdles to overcome and so many things to look toward to, but I am happy to say that we came through this past year stronger and closer. They say the first year is the hardest and I believe that to be true for those of us who go about marriage and relationships the way God intended. Moving in with someone and becoming so intimately connected all at the same time is a culture shock. It is also a beautiful thing and I am so incredibly blessed to have been through the ups and downs with the man of dreams. He has been everything to me and he has without a doubt become my best friend. He makes me smile the biggest smile, laugh the hardest laugh, and love the best love I have in my heart. Because he is my other half I am complete with him. If there is one thing this past year has taught me it is this: True love is not always the mushy gushy things you say or the passionate feelings you have. It's not always the flowers or cards or the spoken affection that is easy to have when times are good. It is not sex no matter how "in love" you think you are afterwards. True love is all of the above mixed in to the complete commitment you have to your husband or wife. It is the ability to give all of yourself to someone and never be depleted because they have done the same for you. True love is the strength you have together in hard times because you have put God above everything else in life. Thank you to everyone who has helped me learn this. Thank you to my husband who has let me experience true love :-)