Oppression amd Defeat

The definition of Oppression is: Prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control. What is controlling you that has you oppressed and why would you allow it? Why wouldn't you get up and fight and defeat the control of something oppressive? If a situation you are in is oppressive why are you still allowing this to go on? Do you feel weak, or useless? How can this be when you have been given a promise that God will go before you and defeat the enemy. That leaves no room for any kind of fear or oppression unless you take control away from God and put in somewhere else. Oppression is mostly self inflicted. What are you allowing yourself to be apart of that is putting negativity and doubts into your mind? Why would you have the offer of peace and joy and choose darkness and fear? What is it about being oppressed that seems easier than standing up and defeating the enemy? Why would you sit in church where truth is being spoken and then let something else control your home, your family, your salvation? I really have been wondering about this as far as my own life is concerned and the only answer I have is because it is easier in this world to be a coward and to let something control you then to fight for your life. Obviously I'm speaking about the spiritual aspect not physical. Depending on what oppresses you it could become a physical battle for your life. I really thought that people including myself must not believe that the battle is already won? There is no other reason why you would find defeat impossible. The truth is that nothing can harm you and that no one is in control of you. You do not bow down to anyone except your God and when you do you let in oppression and cruelty. Wouldn't it be so much easier to engage an enemy that is already defeated than to hide in the shadows and be defeated? I need to live in the reality that this battle is won and there is none defeated on God's side.

A case of the "Mondays"

       Today I feel like I have a case of the Mondays. I am not sure what it is about a Monday that feels so much longer than any other day. I actually feel like Mondays and Wednesdays are the longest day ever!! I know that they have the same amount of hours as every other day but for some reason my eight hour shift at work feels like my whole day is spent at work. I feel restless and for some reason every Monday I have major catching up to do on the home front. I can admit that I have sorely neglected my home duties this past week and pretty much every week for the past month but this morning when I was scared to shower in my own tub I knew the time had come for a major scrub down. I mean how hard is it really for a man to shave over the sink and then rinse it out? Why does it have to be that you shave your head over my sink and leave the little hairs all over my sink and counter and then do not rinse it out so it sticks to the ceramic tiles? Then you move onto my shower and shave your face on the day that the tub is backing up so it mixes with all of the soap scum and then when the water finally drains out it leaves a nice layer of slimy hair all over the tub? Yeah my bathroom is in major trouble. The department of health would have a field day in my home right now and yet somehow I have to go in there bare hands and all get this place sanitized. I need a hazmat suit! On top of that I did laundry and now I have 3 baskets of folded clothes in random parts of my house. I do not like putting clothes away... yeah and those things are on top of the regular cleaning thast needs to get done. Now this is completely my fault and I know that so I am not blaming anyone but I am complaining. Why do I do this to myself every month?? I need to get a plan in action where I deep clean one or two rooms a week and then maintain so that everytime I do it it is not horrible. So yeah that is how my Monday is going so far. I am leaving work in 20 minutes and I am headed straight home to get down to business. Wish me luck!

This morning I woke up with a case of the "Grumps." I completely blame Taco Bell. The thing is yesterday I was feeling pretty good and thinking that life was so amzing and so in all my good spirit I went to Taco Bell with my family. For me being happy gives me an appetite. I am not sure why but I think it's because when I am stressed out about something I start to feel sick and when I feel sick I do not want to eat. Then when everything is all better I feel super hungry. Since this is the way my body works then everytime that I am happy or peaceful, I eat. So I downed a supreme Nachos thing from Taco Bell. This morning I woke up feeling like I would be better off dead. So of course I vowed to never eat again...as I write this I am having lunch. Granted today's lunch is a delicious sald with tuna and a light dressing on it so its not all that harsh fast food crap but hey its food. So yeah back to me waking up and wishing all noise and light would cease and that I could hide under my covers all day long. No such luck! Mark was awake and on the move and harrassing me! Hello?? If I am not out of bed and I am not talking to you do you feel like thats an ok to bother me? It's more like a kiss me when you are leaving but do not keep talking to me thing. Then he had to go and point out that I only felt crappybecause of Taco Bell. Gee thanks next time you are sick and acting like an invalid I am going to point out that this is yor fault. Let me point out that while I am trying to breathe deeply so that I do not puke I am not saying a whole lot to him but oh boy was my brain coming up with the best one liners! The worst part is...he was not even being mean or annoying but in my state at that time it felt as though he was being the biggest jerk in the world. I was so grumpy from A. not feeling good. B. Not going to bed before midnight. C. Its gonna be "that time" soon. All of these things combined and I have been on a bit of a rampage for 2 days. So I am trying to keep quiet and move slowly to get ready for work so as not to upset anything in my body and he starts in on the laundry. Mind you not in a mean or demanding way but it was so annoying to me and I wanted to just scream "Shut up"! at him to get him to well...shut up. He is literally holding up one shirt a freaking time and inspecting it and then being like "hey can you wash this shirt today"? he did it about 3 times before I lost it. I mean really if you think about it since when do you pick and choose what to was when its laundry day. I am not retarded! If it is in the dirty laundry pile then it will eventually get washed. Common sense dictates that you do not have to go through each indiviual piece of clothing to ask for it to be washed. I have donemy chores like that and I never will. I am pretty sure that he was just making sure that I am doing laundry today so that he will have clean clothes but it seemed like nagging to me. So for the thrid time as he is holding up a shirt asking if I can was that particular shirt and waiting for a response before he puts in with the dirty clothes I snap at him "Whatever you put in the laundry is going to get washed you dont have to keep asking"! That set him off a bit. So then I tried to back track and sort of apologize but I still don't feel sorry. I felt like puking and he lityerally wanted me to point at each sock and be like yeah that puppies getting washed tonight. Now as I think back it seems almost comical but this morning I wanted to cry...or punch someone in the face. So what I really want to say is thank you Taco Bell for having disgustingly bad for you food and putting crack into it so that we keep coming back, also thank you for turning me into the grumpiest wife ever this morning! I also have a few words to that laundry pile awaiting my return home but I will keep that between me and the 3 shirts that I am defintiely washing tonight ;)

I Can Handle That!

Let me preface this post with the following "just so you know" statements so you can leave all judgement and wondering where it belongs: 1. I do not have children. 2. I have my own car. 3. My husband likes to go do his own thing. 4. My housework has been sadly neglected all week. When you read this keep in mind that I am not on here to complain or make my life seem miserable. I am also not on here to flaunt my successes or freedoms to make it seem like I am so much better off than you. I am on here to express how I feel about everything from marriage to driving on 390. For the past two weekends I have had one night that was a total girls night! These nights did not involve me being out past midnight (I rarely see that hour these days) nor did it involve me getting crazy drunk to be "who I really am". I really am me all of the time and like it or not who I really am changes minute to minute. I love my girls nights because it does involve real friends, lots of laughing, story sharing, good food, and of course like any good party thrown by a pentecostal it involves "Mocktails." Tonight's variety was a Lusty Lime Virgin LOL. Last weekend was a virgin Piña Colada! Haha thank God that virgin for me and virgin for these drinks means two very different things. If virgin for me meant without alcohol I would be one for the rest of my life ;) There have been so many things that I wanted and I thought I was working towards and because of that there have been some wake up calls and some disappointments. Let me be completely frank...I want a baby. I would love to find out tonight that I am pregnant and I would love to be holding my own little baby and kissing their soft fuzzy head. I am not so sure the whole being up all night and battling more pounds to lose is what I want but if its part of the package then I readily except. I really thought by now Mark and I would be settling into that lets start a family phase and while he was a while ago...I was NOT. Now that I am he is not and I just hope that eventually we can meet up on baby lane. I actually have no doubt that we will. I also want to not be broke. I want to have money to go grocery shopping and pay my bills and then not look at my account in horror because I forgot that some payment was auto deducted. I thought surely by now we would be further along in this area...nope! We are worse off now then when we first got married. I want to be a stepford wife...seriously I do! I want the body, the hair, the ability to cook amazing meals, the pearls while vacuuming, and most of all the ability to please my husband all of the time day or night. Above all of that I want to go to heaven. I want my life to be good because I am living it fully and not because I have a baby, money, or a 100% in Wifing (just made that word right up). I dont have to wait to have all of those things to have a happy perfect life. My sister and I have been praying for each other and our marriages and let me tell you I am not the same. Nothing has changed with my circumstances but I have changed. I love, love, love life. So what Mark went out again tonight...I had a lovely evening and I am learning who I am. So what rent is due again...I am going to heaven. So what I am not a mommy yet...God is the creator of babies, I will get one in the perfect time. Tonight I enjoyed not just endured a night with the girls. Next weekend it can be a different group all together. The past two girls nights have been totally different people but hey I am willing to go for 3 in a row :) I am just so happy to be living and so yes, I will take that!

One Step at a Time

     Yesterday I was feeling like I could not get out of a funk and thankfully one of my friends e-mailed me and reminded me that I only had to take one step at a time and that I did not have to take a giant leap even. Just one foot in front of the other and not to even think about the step after that. Some people say to take it one breath at a time and that sounds good to me too.
      It has been quite a while since I have had the time to sit down and write a blog and although nothing major has changed in my life I feel about 100 years older. Sometimes I feel as if so much is happening to the people all around e whether good or bad and I am somehow involved a little bit in each situation. I have friends that are about to give birth or just found out that they are pregnant. I have friends that have had major battles in their jobs, marriages, etc. I have family members that are getting married or dropping their husbands off for basic training and then I have my own personal situations happening everyday. Lately my emotional state has been a roller coaster. Saturday I woke up loving life and feeling so much energy and peace. it was a beautiful sunny day and everything seemed to be looking up. By 12:30AM on Sunday morning I was ready to check myself in at the psych ward. I sent numerous psychotic texts to my husband before falling asleep (yes he was out which started the texts so I blame him on that one). Sunday i woke up thinking that everything was ok and that I had just been overtired from the night before. By sunday evening I wanted to move back home. Sunday night I sobbed for about 30 minutes over something that most people would shake their heads at. When I fell asleep that night I had horrible dreams about my husband leaving me. Monday I was exhausted and grumpy at work but happy to be there and not be stuck at home with nothing but my thoughts. I came home from work and managed to throw some comfy pants on before crawling unde the covers and praying to God that I could sleep until my life changed durastically. I fell asleep for about two hours which was not all together planned. Yes I did want to ignore life but I didn't plan on falling into a deep sleep and I did not plan on being knocked out utnil 7:15pm. I woke up for some reason and realized I needed to get my butt up and moving. I did the up and moving thing long enough to pick up the kitchen and make a grilled cheese sandwich then I went to the couch. It was then that I noticed that my pants were inside out, my hair wast sticking out all over the place and my eyes had that puffy I just woke up look. It had been a nap not a full nights sleep and I still looked a hot mess. It was then for the first time that I thanked God Mark was not home from work yet. Seeing me like that in the mornings is inevitablem, seeing me like that at 7pm on monday might be detrimental to the relationship. Today has been good. I do not feel like life is going to get me and I am in love with my husband ( I always love him but I do not know if I am always in love with him) and I got to eat an awesome lucnh thanks to my awesome job. I still ahve that overly tired feeling that has been around for most of the past two weeks but tonight I am not going to crawl into my bed at 5 and want to die. I am going to see my favorite sister in law and my little nephew and maybe take a walk. My mind is screaming at me to go home and take a nap but I do not want to be home all night alone and my husband has stuff going on tonight. My first step was getting up this morning and my next step was getting to work and handling things here. I am not thinking too much about the steps after that because I am not there yet. Not to say that I dont have some plans but I do not have them mapped out step by step. I want to get through one thing at a time and if at some point I feel like running or leaping instead of just stepping then I will but that is not the case right now. Right now I am taking it one step at a time :)

Easter Morning

It's Easter Sunday and I am laying in bed thinking about this past week and how ridiculous it has been. I want today to be better and different, not just because it's Easter but because its a brand new day! I love Easter and I know all the meaning that goes into this holiday but honestly I celebrate resurrection everyday of my life when I wake up brand new. I guess that maybe with it being Easter and it being the holiday where we celebrate resurrection it has made me realize a few things. First I have not been living in this revelation for quite a while. I do not think that I have woken up once this week living like I was brand new and having a fresh start. I have dragged every issue that accumulated right in to the next day to the point where it was so heavy that getting out of bed was depressing. I could not see living life to the fullest and letting the stress go, I could only see the negative. It has been a tough week or rather tough couple of weeks. There have been moments where I am so stressed or worried that my heart literally pounds and I am panicked. I would ask myself "Is God in control"? And I would literally say "yes he is." Then two seconds later I would be freaking out again. This morning there has already challenges and I have felt that feeling of Oh My God I Give Up coming over me but really God is in control. If he has complete control and he is not dropping the ball then everything is ok. So everything is ok and I can breathe normally and have good days. I also do not have to bring everything that happened yesterday into today. Today is a brand new day and it's sunny and beautiful so far. Happy Easter!

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Another Day, Another cold!

This morning I woke up much like every other morning...annoyed at the alarm and my bladder. Do you ever find that your bladder wakes you up when you only have 10-20 minutes left of sleep? It's like C'mon! Really?? You can't just wait to wake me up until the annoying alarm buzzes a million times? As I lay there trying to ignore the ever growing urge to pee, I realized that my mouth was all dried out and my lips had that nasty crusty film over them. Ewww! It was right then and there that I knew today I am going to be grumpy. Sure enough I sat up and one of my nose holes started dripping snot and the other one was so plugged that no air was coming in or out. I just got over a cold at the end of last week and granted we are coming to the end of this week, but I do not feel the need for this at all. I love that our weather has been so mild and believe me I appreciate the early spring like WHOA but going from 70 degrees to 30 degrees in a matter of 12 hours makes my body freak out! Alot of people are telling me that this could be allergies and I kind of hope it is. So far nothing has helped me be able to breath better. I took some Sudafed and a Zinc tablet and then some Airborne or whatever it's called. I think it may be worse after all of that LOL. Around 12pm I texted my husband trying t get some sympathy and ask him to take care of me and  the response I get is grim: "but babe tonight I wanted to go ride my bike" so I resorted to whining because for once I had to have my own way. I also cut him a deal. "Be home by eight to take care of me and you will not die". That actually seemed to do the trick. I currently cannot breathe through either of my nasal passages and so I am siytting at work with my mouth slightly open trying to circulate some air. I am not gonna sugar coat it when I say that I want to ask God why he designed a part of the body that allows us to breathe but then it turn can get swollen and stuffy and not work. Why not just let us use our mouths to breathe and let us talk out of our ears? I know each body part has a function that is a part of God's great plan but hey my mouth was not meant to be open all  day long. My throat is so dried out right now and even drinking tea is not changing anything. I am considering shoving needles up my nose to make air ways up there, of course then there is the whole bleeding issue...  My current plan is to head home right after I am done working/ infecting the office with my disease, and go lay on my couch. Also I will be cleaning up some dishes unless Mark did them...yeah I will be doing some dishes. Oh I have another thought! Why dont they make napquil. If I take Dayquil it doesn't touch my symptoms. If I take Nyquil it takes me the whole eights hours plus to get rid of that sleepy groggy feeling. How bout something so that when I wanna go home and take a nap without feeling like this I can pop some napquil. It can last like 1 to 3 hours instead of 4 to 6! Yay me! Maybe I should look into getting a pantent on that ;)