I Can Handle That!

Let me preface this post with the following "just so you know" statements so you can leave all judgement and wondering where it belongs: 1. I do not have children. 2. I have my own car. 3. My husband likes to go do his own thing. 4. My housework has been sadly neglected all week. When you read this keep in mind that I am not on here to complain or make my life seem miserable. I am also not on here to flaunt my successes or freedoms to make it seem like I am so much better off than you. I am on here to express how I feel about everything from marriage to driving on 390. For the past two weekends I have had one night that was a total girls night! These nights did not involve me being out past midnight (I rarely see that hour these days) nor did it involve me getting crazy drunk to be "who I really am". I really am me all of the time and like it or not who I really am changes minute to minute. I love my girls nights because it does involve real friends, lots of laughing, story sharing, good food, and of course like any good party thrown by a pentecostal it involves "Mocktails." Tonight's variety was a Lusty Lime Virgin LOL. Last weekend was a virgin Piña Colada! Haha thank God that virgin for me and virgin for these drinks means two very different things. If virgin for me meant without alcohol I would be one for the rest of my life ;) There have been so many things that I wanted and I thought I was working towards and because of that there have been some wake up calls and some disappointments. Let me be completely frank...I want a baby. I would love to find out tonight that I am pregnant and I would love to be holding my own little baby and kissing their soft fuzzy head. I am not so sure the whole being up all night and battling more pounds to lose is what I want but if its part of the package then I readily except. I really thought by now Mark and I would be settling into that lets start a family phase and while he was a while ago...I was NOT. Now that I am he is not and I just hope that eventually we can meet up on baby lane. I actually have no doubt that we will. I also want to not be broke. I want to have money to go grocery shopping and pay my bills and then not look at my account in horror because I forgot that some payment was auto deducted. I thought surely by now we would be further along in this area...nope! We are worse off now then when we first got married. I want to be a stepford wife...seriously I do! I want the body, the hair, the ability to cook amazing meals, the pearls while vacuuming, and most of all the ability to please my husband all of the time day or night. Above all of that I want to go to heaven. I want my life to be good because I am living it fully and not because I have a baby, money, or a 100% in Wifing (just made that word right up). I dont have to wait to have all of those things to have a happy perfect life. My sister and I have been praying for each other and our marriages and let me tell you I am not the same. Nothing has changed with my circumstances but I have changed. I love, love, love life. So what Mark went out again tonight...I had a lovely evening and I am learning who I am. So what rent is due again...I am going to heaven. So what I am not a mommy yet...God is the creator of babies, I will get one in the perfect time. Tonight I enjoyed not just endured a night with the girls. Next weekend it can be a different group all together. The past two girls nights have been totally different people but hey I am willing to go for 3 in a row :) I am just so happy to be living and so yes, I will take that!

One Step at a Time

     Yesterday I was feeling like I could not get out of a funk and thankfully one of my friends e-mailed me and reminded me that I only had to take one step at a time and that I did not have to take a giant leap even. Just one foot in front of the other and not to even think about the step after that. Some people say to take it one breath at a time and that sounds good to me too.
      It has been quite a while since I have had the time to sit down and write a blog and although nothing major has changed in my life I feel about 100 years older. Sometimes I feel as if so much is happening to the people all around e whether good or bad and I am somehow involved a little bit in each situation. I have friends that are about to give birth or just found out that they are pregnant. I have friends that have had major battles in their jobs, marriages, etc. I have family members that are getting married or dropping their husbands off for basic training and then I have my own personal situations happening everyday. Lately my emotional state has been a roller coaster. Saturday I woke up loving life and feeling so much energy and peace. it was a beautiful sunny day and everything seemed to be looking up. By 12:30AM on Sunday morning I was ready to check myself in at the psych ward. I sent numerous psychotic texts to my husband before falling asleep (yes he was out which started the texts so I blame him on that one). Sunday i woke up thinking that everything was ok and that I had just been overtired from the night before. By sunday evening I wanted to move back home. Sunday night I sobbed for about 30 minutes over something that most people would shake their heads at. When I fell asleep that night I had horrible dreams about my husband leaving me. Monday I was exhausted and grumpy at work but happy to be there and not be stuck at home with nothing but my thoughts. I came home from work and managed to throw some comfy pants on before crawling unde the covers and praying to God that I could sleep until my life changed durastically. I fell asleep for about two hours which was not all together planned. Yes I did want to ignore life but I didn't plan on falling into a deep sleep and I did not plan on being knocked out utnil 7:15pm. I woke up for some reason and realized I needed to get my butt up and moving. I did the up and moving thing long enough to pick up the kitchen and make a grilled cheese sandwich then I went to the couch. It was then that I noticed that my pants were inside out, my hair wast sticking out all over the place and my eyes had that puffy I just woke up look. It had been a nap not a full nights sleep and I still looked a hot mess. It was then for the first time that I thanked God Mark was not home from work yet. Seeing me like that in the mornings is inevitablem, seeing me like that at 7pm on monday might be detrimental to the relationship. Today has been good. I do not feel like life is going to get me and I am in love with my husband ( I always love him but I do not know if I am always in love with him) and I got to eat an awesome lucnh thanks to my awesome job. I still ahve that overly tired feeling that has been around for most of the past two weeks but tonight I am not going to crawl into my bed at 5 and want to die. I am going to see my favorite sister in law and my little nephew and maybe take a walk. My mind is screaming at me to go home and take a nap but I do not want to be home all night alone and my husband has stuff going on tonight. My first step was getting up this morning and my next step was getting to work and handling things here. I am not thinking too much about the steps after that because I am not there yet. Not to say that I dont have some plans but I do not have them mapped out step by step. I want to get through one thing at a time and if at some point I feel like running or leaping instead of just stepping then I will but that is not the case right now. Right now I am taking it one step at a time :)

Easter Morning

It's Easter Sunday and I am laying in bed thinking about this past week and how ridiculous it has been. I want today to be better and different, not just because it's Easter but because its a brand new day! I love Easter and I know all the meaning that goes into this holiday but honestly I celebrate resurrection everyday of my life when I wake up brand new. I guess that maybe with it being Easter and it being the holiday where we celebrate resurrection it has made me realize a few things. First I have not been living in this revelation for quite a while. I do not think that I have woken up once this week living like I was brand new and having a fresh start. I have dragged every issue that accumulated right in to the next day to the point where it was so heavy that getting out of bed was depressing. I could not see living life to the fullest and letting the stress go, I could only see the negative. It has been a tough week or rather tough couple of weeks. There have been moments where I am so stressed or worried that my heart literally pounds and I am panicked. I would ask myself "Is God in control"? And I would literally say "yes he is." Then two seconds later I would be freaking out again. This morning there has already challenges and I have felt that feeling of Oh My God I Give Up coming over me but really God is in control. If he has complete control and he is not dropping the ball then everything is ok. So everything is ok and I can breathe normally and have good days. I also do not have to bring everything that happened yesterday into today. Today is a brand new day and it's sunny and beautiful so far. Happy Easter!

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Another Day, Another cold!

This morning I woke up much like every other morning...annoyed at the alarm and my bladder. Do you ever find that your bladder wakes you up when you only have 10-20 minutes left of sleep? It's like C'mon! Really?? You can't just wait to wake me up until the annoying alarm buzzes a million times? As I lay there trying to ignore the ever growing urge to pee, I realized that my mouth was all dried out and my lips had that nasty crusty film over them. Ewww! It was right then and there that I knew today I am going to be grumpy. Sure enough I sat up and one of my nose holes started dripping snot and the other one was so plugged that no air was coming in or out. I just got over a cold at the end of last week and granted we are coming to the end of this week, but I do not feel the need for this at all. I love that our weather has been so mild and believe me I appreciate the early spring like WHOA but going from 70 degrees to 30 degrees in a matter of 12 hours makes my body freak out! Alot of people are telling me that this could be allergies and I kind of hope it is. So far nothing has helped me be able to breath better. I took some Sudafed and a Zinc tablet and then some Airborne or whatever it's called. I think it may be worse after all of that LOL. Around 12pm I texted my husband trying t get some sympathy and ask him to take care of me and  the response I get is grim: "but babe tonight I wanted to go ride my bike" so I resorted to whining because for once I had to have my own way. I also cut him a deal. "Be home by eight to take care of me and you will not die". That actually seemed to do the trick. I currently cannot breathe through either of my nasal passages and so I am siytting at work with my mouth slightly open trying to circulate some air. I am not gonna sugar coat it when I say that I want to ask God why he designed a part of the body that allows us to breathe but then it turn can get swollen and stuffy and not work. Why not just let us use our mouths to breathe and let us talk out of our ears? I know each body part has a function that is a part of God's great plan but hey my mouth was not meant to be open all  day long. My throat is so dried out right now and even drinking tea is not changing anything. I am considering shoving needles up my nose to make air ways up there, of course then there is the whole bleeding issue...  My current plan is to head home right after I am done working/ infecting the office with my disease, and go lay on my couch. Also I will be cleaning up some dishes unless Mark did them...yeah I will be doing some dishes. Oh I have another thought! Why dont they make napquil. If I take Dayquil it doesn't touch my symptoms. If I take Nyquil it takes me the whole eights hours plus to get rid of that sleepy groggy feeling. How bout something so that when I wanna go home and take a nap without feeling like this I can pop some napquil. It can last like 1 to 3 hours instead of 4 to 6! Yay me! Maybe I should look into getting a pantent on that ;) 

The Joys of Single...Wifehood?

I know that the title of this blog is an oxymoron. You cannot, obviously, be single and a wife at the same time. I could preach on that for a while… so when I say the Joys of single wifehood I am not describing it as the following:
1. A married person who does not want to be married so they whore around and act single.
2. Not being fully committed to someone but living with them and acting married.

I am however talking about those of us women who love and adore their husbands and are completely faithful to them and yet never see them. I am in this position right now. The biggest problem with never seeing someone is that the limited time you do have together has so much more potential to end negatively. Think of it this way…you are two people in a partnership and when you are together you feel the need to make up for all the lack and to fix all problems. Well since marriage is a lifetime commitment you cannot fix a lifetime of speed bumps in an hour less of time. This is the time when he comes home from work, the gym, etc and I am either already in bed or cooking chicken up so that I can go to bed. So I manage to keep myself awake long enough to..well argue with him. What about you say? Well everything. The beautiful and infuriating thing about being a wife is that you are in charge of keeping your home a clean and happy environment. My biggest issue is that I am a wife that works full time out of the home. Then I come home and clean or ignore the mess and then run errands to help keep my home clean or a mess LOL. Then I try to pretend that I am a good wife by attempting to cook or bake something and if I ever go out and do something for me then my home suffers that neglect. If I have a day off then I am running around paying rent and making sure RGE is paid and doing laundry. If my husband has a day off he is at the gym or riding his bike or hanging out with friends. Yeah I am gonna get pissy! Whether this is my job or not I sometimes feel l like a maid. I live there to get stuff done but I never see the man that I moved in with. I do not have these feelings all of the time but we go through periods of time where this happens and I feel burned out. Granted the man that I wanna scream at as soon as he walks in the door has spent a lot if not all of his day working. I easily forget that when I am feeling like the forgotten servant. Sure he is out providing for me with his full time job but at this point we are equal providers and I also have a full time job at home. As much as we need the money my biggest stress is when I am sitting at work and I am thinking of all the things that I need to get accomplished at home. Sure my boss is paying me but when I go home and I need a sanctuary and there are dishes up to my ceiling I want to stomp my feet. I don’t just wanna stomp my feet I want to put holes in my floor! This week I have been looking at them and running to hide in my messy bedroom where I can’t see the dishes. Then I see the laundry piled in the closets and I want to set my apartment on fire. This is a sure indication that instead of running around and putting workouts as a priority I need to clean my home and get it back to that relaxing realm.
I have thought about refusing to make any more chicken or pasta until the existing dishes get cleaned but I feel like Mark would rather starve himself than put a dish in the dishwasher. Tonight I have church so when I leave work and head home I will have about an hour before I need to get myself ready for church. I like to nap in that hour but I am trying to psych myself to get the kitchen cleaned up. I am not sure if that is going to happen because that is what we argued about this morning, I may leave it until later tonight when I get home and I know that he will be home so maybe I will finally get some help ;)
I wonder what it is going to feel like when I have kids someday…Yikes. The joys of single motherhood. Oh well I am not pregnant yet so that’s not a concern at this time.

Physical Fitness = Mental Issues

Ok so aybe it is just me but there is something bad that happens to me mentally when I am trying to get physically in shape. I mentioned in my last blog that I would update my blog and tell all of you readers bow its been going so here it is:
My first day was last tuesday the 7th and it started off bad and almost ruined me. I went home and changed my clothes and headed straight for the gym. I was very enthused and ready to go and I burst into the room only to find that all of the machines were being used and on top of that everyone in the gym room just stared at me. I stood there for about 30 seconds and all of my enthusiasm drained away. I had to head home defeated and tell my usband that I couldnt even get on a treadmill and that just made me grumpy. Now mind you my husband has off from work on tuesdays so he was home and had been expecting me gone for at least 30 minutes. By the time I stomped back up the stairs to my apartment i was fuming at the world! How dare tehy ruin my plans to get in shape and be healthy and sexy! The people in the gym were all middle aged and just taking up space lol! at least in my mind I deserved to be there way more. When I got home I immediately started whining to my husband about not being able to work out and of course he had all of these suggestions none of which worked for me. I told him that I would wait until he left and then jsut do things at home. When he left I still sat on my couch pouting and thinking horrible thoughts about what a waste of time this was. I will never have the body I want and I will never be good enough and I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep and I want to eat whatever i want without counting he calories....on and on my misery went until I thought about the real reason I had started this. I ws doing this to be healthy not be a crazed maniac. So i got my butt off of the the couch and I did my workout. it was only about 30 minutes long and did not even involve alot of cardio and yet when I got done I could barely breathe and I was all red faced. I felt like I was going to throw up and I was even more grumpy than before. This was not at all how I pictured things going and it killed my attitude and any drive I had. i stood in the shower and balled because after putting myself through hell when I looked in the mirror I still hated what I saw. Luckily my husband was not home for any of this or he would have had me locked up for sure. Miraculously the next morning I woke up sore and that cured me. i finally realized that I had done something and that my body was feeling it. It renewed my desire to do the work out and to eat better. So the next day I did it again this time actually gping outside to jog and walk and ever since it has been going well and I have been doing good in eating and mentally i felt fine and happy...until today. I am tired today and its wednesday which means that it is a work out day for me but I do not want to do it. I did not last night because it was a night off for me and it was valentines and today I am thinking that I just want to relax and lay down. This may ahve something to do with the fact that I have my period but I am just not feeling the whole workout thing. I am determined to do something but I am not committing to a full routine today. I do not want to be coe one of those psychotic poeple who panic when they can't do what they feel like they need to do. You see last night I didn't eat so good because my husband made dinner for me and I made brownies and we had ice cream and today I feel fat and disgusting and sluggish. I shouldn't have to freak out if I have a treat or if I go over my allotted 1200 calories.I do not want this to be an obsession. I do want this to work out for me but if my pace is not meeting peoples expectations I do not want to feel like a failure. I am hoping that my physical and mental health will come together and that I will be just fine. Today I am going to hang out with a friend and just chat and I think that will do wonders for my mental stability. Also she has been through this whole workout ordeal and I know that she will have advice and wisdom. Any ideas or comments on how to get over this blah attitude would be greatly appreciated.

Workout Worries

I have decided that I want to start working out. I want a good body, although it may never be model worthy, and I want to be and feel healthy. When I get pregnant I want to already be practicing good habits and I want to be in shape. I think that I will feel better during pregnancy if I start being active now and keep that going. Plus I want my husband to LOVE and yeah LUST for my body. I mean he is my husband its not like I would be causing him to sin ;) I am not saying that he doesn't already but I know I can get better and I know that he will absolutely appreciate it. I have been drinking a butt load...or would that be bladder load...of water. I have also been peeing like a pregnant woman! I can't stop there. I have also been trying to make healthier choices in my meal decisions. I will admit that is going about 40% well lol! The other 60% is going to get whipped into submission. The first time I lost weight I did it the more popular and extremely dangerous way. I worked out a little and ate even less. I literally cut my food intake by half and changed what I did eat. It worked! I lost weight and I got some attention that I had been seeking. I wasn't married back then and I was young and being healthy was right below being beautiful on my list of priorities. I managed to keep the weight off too but I also didn't feel energized or super great...that didn't matter back then. Years later after promising myself that I would work out and eat, but eat healthy over and over I have finally decided on it. I have a determination and mostly because I know that shortly my husband and I want to start a family. I want my body to be at its best so that I can provide a healthy habitat for my future lima bean (reference to another post). So I have turned to the person I trust the most who has experience in this area, my husband! Now we are talking about a man that used to do hardcore workouts daily, I am not there yet! So he finally writes my workout and then zips off to redbox. I sit on the couch to check out my new activities and I am staring in fear! I swear he wrote down every exercise he knows! For example: CARDIO- Speed Walk, Jog, Run. ARMS- Curls, Tricep Extensions, Dips, and Push ups....the list goes on for all of my body! I don't even know what most of these are! It is an evil list! The list of my undoing! I am doomed! Why did I ever go to the freakin muscle man for a workout???
I have had about seven conversations with myself and now he is home and I cautiously approached him about it. He said something about me pushing myself in everything I do and I was like "I can"! Let me tell you that when I am doing his workout its going to be more like the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Well darn it I think that I can. I am going to give it my best shot. I am sure you, my faithful reader, will be having some interesting stories to come. My game plan is to start tomorrow and if my arms aren't broken you should have an update in a day or two. I will just tell myself this is for the healthy future of my babies and my sex life and that will be my motivation.