I Am a Lover

            I always thought that I was a fighter. I was never sure if it was by nature or by force but I always felt like I had to fight to get what I want. It wasn't like I grew up fighting for my food or for clean clothes… my parents did provide for us and I don’t remember lacking in anything however as I grew older I felt like I fought so much to get where I was, for my marriage, my image, my lifestyle, my job and so on. Then once I had those things it was a fight to keep them. I still fight to keep some of them and yes this is a confession…I sometimes still fight for a marriage that no one else seems to think is a good idea, including the person I married. Somehow it’s not in me to just give up or let go…not on situations or on people. I definitely do not give up on people even when I think I should or when they think I should…I just hate to see people fail. Defeat should not be an option and I feel as though people need help and lots of support to live up to their full potential. I get that it’s a choice and people live the life they think they deserve but I wish they knew what they really deserved and what was available for them. No matter what has happened, what they have done or who they are I know that it can be better. I was thinking about this the other night and it hit me…I am not a fighter, I am a lover and I think that lovers have to be fighters. I think that love is the hardest battle you will ever fight. First of all you have to learn how to love yourself before you can really love someone else and that’s just a crazy amount of fighting because you are usually your biggest enemy. Then once you have reached that point and you begin to love people you realize that loving people is so different from liking people or lusting for people and then it’s a whole new battle to really love people and all of this time you are battling yourself. You are fighting what you thought you knew about life and love and people. You are fighting against what other people have told you love is and what you see in movies or read in books. In the end of all of that you fight an incredible disappointment you have in what love really is. It’s not a feel good emotion, it’s not a party all day long with hearts coming out of your eyes, it is complete care and concern for someone else and sometimes it actually feels horrible. Sometimes what hurts the most is really loving someone because you hurt when they hurt and you hurt when they hurt you, and all of this time that you are fighting you never realize that one of the biggest battle is yet to come. I've actually found that some of these battles you never really over come, or at least I don’t. I think I have something conquered and then I get hurt or I get scared and I want to run away and hide, I forget that it just means I really love them. So every time I get hurt or every time I see a scar I fight that battle again. I fight to learn what true love is. The last battle you learn how to fight is the one where people reject your love, or maybe they reject you and immediately you want to cancel out that love you have for them because suddenly it’s scary or unsure but by now you know that will never happen. If you love them then it’s settled, you can’t “un-love” someone. I have said it before because its true…the kind of care and concern you have for them may change but the love never will, it will just seem like a different kind of love. So you fight that battle, you fight to love people because people don’t think they deserve it. They are ashamed because they can’t give you what you give them. Maybe they don’t really want to or maybe they don’t know how to love you like that but either way they will push the love away or make it seem smaller than it is. It can be really discouraging and it can make loving someone that much harder but if you’re anything like me you wont let it ruin love for you and definitely wont stop loving them. It sounds exhausting, it actually is but it’s so much better to fight for love then to fight just to live. Loving people is the best thing in the world. It makes you a better person and a lot of times it makes them a better person. So maybe I am not really a fighter and I am definitely a lover but one thing I know is that every single day I fight for love. I would say that in the end, at the end of the day I am stronger because I love not because I fight. 

Calling Home

            So today at work we were discussing what happens when you are upset and you call back “home.”  Home in this case is not so much a place but more like a person. For instance when you call your parents or a brother or sister and those are the people that you have a “home” with, a safe place. It is the person that you call when you don’t know what else to do. I have friends that are like this for me too, it doesn't have to be someone related to you it is just that person or group of people that you call family. It is an amazing feeling to have this but there is that one rule…when you call them about something going really right or really wrong then you will cry your eyes out. You could be over the situation completely but as soon as you call home and hear that voice it is like you have never grieved or rejoiced at all. Something about calling home makes everything feel more real. I remember the last time I had to do this and just remembering makes me feel vulnerable. Since then I have called friends and ended up sobbing but it’s not the same. So the last time I called home…

            The night before I found out that my husband had been planning on leaving me. I was all prepared to ignore this and just keep pretending, it’s easier for me to pretend then to deal with life. I was also still thinking that I would wake up one morning and it would be so different. Things would get better and I would wake up from this horrible nightmare and no one would ever have to know how scared I was. Well when I woke up that morning it had not gone away, in fact it had been published to the wonderful world of Facebook. It’s not like I was humiliated or hurt enough now my private life had to be publicized and I had to hear about the morons who actually thought that they had a say in this. I was devastated, I was betrayed and suddenly I was not able to ignore the problem. Not only could I not hide it all but now I could not hide it from my family and I had to call my parents so that they would hear it from me and not from an extended relative. When I remember this I actually feel like human shaming should be allowed and that the person who has wrecked a life should have to stand up in front of the family with a sign that says what they did. It saves those of us reeling from the devastation from having to make some seriously sucky calls.  I remember thinking I would have to call my mom first since she was the one that had the cell phone and then I thought that she would tell my dad and it would be better because even though I would be crying I wouldn't have to deal with telling my dad. When I called she didn't answer and so I left her a voice mail just saying that something had happened and I wanted her to hear it from me. I was still composed at this point (I think now it’s because I thought there was still a chance that this could all go away). When she called me back I got nervous…really nervous but I was ready to get it done. When I answered I heard my dad’s voice. He said “hey Sarah its daddy. I have mom’s phone what’s wrong”? I just started sobbing. I don’t even think that I could answer him, in fact I know I couldn't because my sister in law took the phone from me for a minute. When I stopped sobbing and was just crying I tried to explain to him what was wrong. I remember him asking where I was and telling me he was coming to get me and I remember sobbing again. I remember that as I sobbed it was quiet for a minute and that when he started talking again he was crying too and I remember not really being able to say it but thinking how sorry I was. I know it wasn't my fault but I knew that his heart was breaking because my heart was broken. I will never forget that. I had been hiding some of the issues with my marriage for quite some time now and this just wasn't something that could stay hidden. Telling my dad that my marriage was ending was probably harder than anything else I have ever done. I was never gonna be that girl. I was going to have the kind of life and husband that made him and my mom proud. My parents have had issues over the years, things have gone wrong, our lives have been turned upside down and yet I have never ever seen my mom or dad walk away from each other. No matter what they have always been in it together. I was going to live in that second generation of a marriage that made it through anything. I never imagined making the call to my dad to let him know that it was over. I thought that even when it got bad we were going to come through it and we could tell our parents years later how we had struggled and how we were more in love than ever. I’ll make it clear right now, that should have been the case. It should have turned into that, it didn't and I am learning to be OK with that. If I cannot change it then I cannot and I still have my whole life in front of me waiting to be lived. Having said that I will now say that I know my dad wasn't thinking then that I was a failure but I felt so horrible. I felt like a failure. It didn't have to be my fault; I still didn't want him disappointed. I didn't even want him disappointed in my husband. I also didn't want to break my dad’s heart. He has always wanted nothing but the best for his daughters, his little lambs. I know that life has been tough and sometimes you watch your hero turn human and there are disappointments and regrets but the one thing I know for sure is that my dad would have moved heaven and earth that day to make it all OK for me. When I heard him crying for me I knew he was hurting for me and I don’t think there is any other way to show such love and passion. If your heart breaks for someone then you can be sure that you love them more than anything else in the world. My dad has that kind of love and it grew from him loving my mom to him loving me, my sisters, and my brother to him loving his grand kids. It keeps growing. Calling my mom or my dad is calling home for me. I kind of wondered why calling home is the hardest and I think I know why. You are most afraid to disappoint the people that love you. It is scary to know that someone loves you so much that what hurts you will hurt them but you know they wouldn't have it any other way. You know that no matter how hard it is going to be for you to tell them that you cannot do it without them. Talking about this today is just a huge reminder of the legacy of love that I have been handed. My siblings and I could be any of the things that my parents have struggled with throughout their lives. Whether my parents dealt with it directly or whether their parents dealt with it they say addiction runs through generations. We could be addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling…a lot of horrible things but instead my parents gave us something else. They gave us love, they gave us hope and they gave us life. 

Love

            So it happened…there was one thing that I was waiting on, one thing that I knew could actually break me down. It’s like a ticking time bomb and you just wait it out and hope you come out on the other end without too much damage and yet you wonder at what point is it going to happen and how will you react. I don’t want to go into too much detail about what it is but let’s just call it “The One Thing.” I have known for quite a while now that this was going to happen and I prepared myself the best I could but I knew that when it happened I wouldn't be able to plan my reaction. My reaction would just be whatever it was and I would deal with it at that time. So it happened and my reaction was basically to run. I seriously go everywhere and do everything to not have to think about it. I don’t have to deal with it, it’s not my thing to deal with but at the same time it was going to affect me. I guess I wasn't going to come out of this completely untouched but I didn't want it to leave me with any real damage. I think it did. I think that no matter how hard I tried it did leave a blemish on me. Actually now I know for sure that it did. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that it hadn't really affected me but more likely I was just keeping the break down at bay. Well the break down happened and it happened almost two weeks after “The One Thing” happened. It started off as something else small that went wrong and when I lost it, I knew. It wasn't about that bill not getting paid, it wasn't about tired I was, I mean sure those things all contributed but the real issue was “The One Thing.” I hate it. I hate all of it and this past Thursday as I sat there crying and losing my mind I couldn't even pretend that I didn't feel so alone. I couldn't pretend that I thought it was all going to be OK. I called my best friend and told her she needed to come home and that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't do it alone. I begged her to come home. Thank God for friends that know the truth. Thank God for people who can speak to you and calm your mind and put you back where you need to be. I guess maybe I just needed that. I needed to cry it out and say that I am not OK. I am not happy with the way things are. I know I will be OK but I want to be OK right now. I don’t want it to hurt anymore and I know it hurts because it matters but I don’t want it to. It gets better, I know this from experience but I want it better now. I want to wake up and have all the bad stuff gone. I want to be with a man who loves me and takes care of me. I want to get that nervous excited feeling because we have decided to start trying to have a baby. I want to have that feeling that I miss someone so much and I can’t wait for them to get home. I want all of the things that I am missing out on because of someone else’s foolishness. I want to come home to my own place and have to hurry and clean it up because the in laws are coming over. I want a beautiful life that I share with someone. I should have that. I know it sounds spoiled or crazy but I should have that right now. I should be at work today thinking about what I am making my husband for dinner. Thursday all of these feelings came to a head and erupted into a melt down. It’s been a while since I have indulged myself in one of those but when it came it made up for the months that I have been strong. My best friend was able to calm me down and get me to a better place mentally. Emotionally I was still completely drained. I sat in service with a headache and exhaustion. Friday I got up and went to work but I couldn't help but think about “The One Thing” and randomly get tears in my eyes. Friday night I spent time with another one of my best friends and I had a good time and I felt even better but when I went home it was still there. Saturday I wanted to stay in bed, keep the covers over my head and dream beautiful dreams where life is different. I didn't. I got up and did stuff and that night went out again and had a good time. All throughout the weekend I talked about stuff with various people that know and understand the situation. With each conversation I managed to pull enough strength to keep smiling. I just wanted to know, what is the one thing that is going to completely heal this? I got my answer…

Yesterday at church my sister in law asked me to hold my nephew while she sang in choir. He was all wrapped up like a baby burrito and he was looking at me with his big eyes. I knew he was sleepy and should have been napping because his mom wraps him up like that for naps. I held him close and looked at his perfect face. I couldn't help it I kissed his chubby cheeks about five times. I cuddled him and I just adored him. He did fall asleep all nestled up to me. When the choir was done my sister asked me if I would mind keeping him since he was asleep…would I mind? Never. I had him until the end of the service he stayed asleep content and peaceful in my arms. Every time I looked at his face or felt him breathe there was an incredible healing that happened in me. I love him so much. I love him without expecting anything in return. I love him fully. There is no agenda. It is a completely pure love. That is what can help. That is what can heal. Love can heal so much when you love someone or someone loves you there is so much good that happens. For the first time in three days I finally felt OK. I know that someday when I have someone in my life who loves me, that’s what can heal all the pain. It will take away all of the past and it will make a beautiful life for me, the one I want, and the one I deserve. I know I can’t wait for that to happen for me to happy. I’m not saying that I am not happy now; I am just saying that there are some things that will not be fully healed until then. There have been some things damaged and it will take the love of a good man to heal that completely. It takes love to change a person, to change a world. The thing is that I don’t have that kind of love from someone today but it’s worth waiting for. It’s worth holding on for and meanwhile I have the love from so many friends and that can be enough right now to calm the storm and to make me smile. It’s not the end but it’s a start and I can deal with starting somewhere. “The One Thing” may hurt me now but someday it will just be a piece of my past that is there. It may leave a scar but it won’t leave a wound that can’t be healed. It will be one of those things where I look back and I thank God for taking me out and bringing me so far. 

Wake up Call

            I have been going through life these past few weeks and really just trying to warrior princess through anything uncomfortable and difficult without breaking down. Not because something new and horrible has happened but just because I am finally looking at some things and thinking ‘yes now is the time.’ I would say that deep inside I have been dealing with this for about a month now. In my last post I talk about this and how I am ready for some change and how scary it is and yet how excited I am. I really am excited because I know that no matter what happens in the end it is going to be perfect. I always say that I don’t know what the outcome is going to be or where I am going to end up because I really don’t know. What I want changes so often and the change comes so ferociously that sometimes I am not ready for it. It’s like an out of body experience…kind of like you are watching yourself from some high vantage point and you’re yelling ‘hey you down there stop doing that!’ The thing is, I believe that change is necessary to living and so I am chasing it. I think I have been doing pretty well… yeah I think a lot of things that aren't so true. I will admit that during this past month I have been really happy and really excited and yet there is an underlying panic that settles in when I am alone. There is an overwhelming desire to hide and to just say ‘I quit.’ I just keep doing what I am doing because I have to but I have to wonder why if I am doing something good for me am I so fidgety with nervous excitement? I literally sit at work and jiggle my leg…the whole day. I could blame it on caffeine or lack of sleep or anything but I think…actually I know that it’s something inside of me that is unsettled. Today I realized what that was…I haven’t been praying about anything outside of when I am at church. How sad is that?! I love God and I haven’t lost my faith…this has not been a conscious effort to give up praying, this is just me letting life get in the way. Life is not as good when I am not connected to God. I keep living of course and he keeps loving me and giving me good things but I feel a lack inside of myself. I feel like I am doing it alone and that is where the stress and fear and anxious feelings come from. I think I understand the reason why I haven’t prayed as much and I am ashamed to admit this but, here it is:

            I prayed every day for my husband…every single time I would talk to God the only thing that I would want to talk to him about was my husband. I would start praying for someone else or something else or just try and talk to God and I would the whole time be thinking OK, I want to be done with that now so I can beg God to help my husband. I would just want to close my eyes and cry and tell God how scared I was for him, for us, for his future. Anything else seemed so second place to me. I still did pray for other people, its not like I cut people off or lied and said I would pray about something that I didn't pray for but seriously I would start off praying about my husband, then a break in the middle to pray for him again and then finish off with him. I couldn't get it out of my brain or my heart and I just had to tell God over and over what I wanted to see, what I was hoping for and how I felt. Then slowly life seeped in and I think I started to get…and still am a little bitter. I wouldn't say I was bitter towards God, mostly towards the constant unchanging love I had for my husband. Then I had a realization that yes, I could live without my husband and that turned into me feeling like I didn't want to pray about him anymore. I didn't want to pray for something I wasn't even sure that I wanted anymore. I mean in my heart I still want him OK and to go to heaven but suddenly I wasn't begging God to have him in my life forever. This is my biggest fail yet. Since the need for him to be with me forever was not as constant my prayer for him stopped being constant and slowly trickled down to nothing. I went from daily praying for someone to kind of just wanting the whole issue to disappear.  This really happened in a matter of weeks. I think I became a little angry…OK a lot angry with the situation. I just didn't want to deal with him and the memories and because of that I didn't pray for him. My whole prayer life in the past year revolved around him and so I guess I just stopped praying. I mean yes at church I prayed…like I said this wasn't a conscious effort to not pray, it’s just the way it happened. I wouldn't find time to go somewhere and pray because I didn't feel like talking about my husband or anything to do with him to anyone; I just want to forget it happened. Unfortunately right now that’s just where I am at with that. The thing is, I cannot just be there. I can never be in the place where I am not praying, really praying about everything. I cannot stop telling God that I love him and that I am so thankful for my life. I can’t forget all the good things he has given me and how happy he has kept me even when I felt my lowest. I cannot forget that he still knows my heart and my fears and that he wants to give me all things. I cannot let even the smallest amount of bitterness seep in and take over the unconditional love I have for the man I married. I still don’t want him hurting and going to hell. I want him to go to heaven and although right now I don’t want him as is he, I still love the man I married and I want good things for his life. I don’t know why or how I let this happen, I think that in the process of finding myself and taking steps forward I forgot about the most important thing…souls. His, mine, everyone's. That is the most important thing. Not what they have done to us, for us, or with us but the fact that love is above all else. Loving someone doesn't mean holding there hand while they hurt you it just means wanting them to succeed and I forgot that. I pushed so hard so quickly that I let the hurt be the thing that pushed me forward. I am thankful for the wake up call and the chance to move forward but I want to make sure I am doing it right. I want to move up not down. I want to know what it really means to love someone even when they can’t offer you any part of themselves. I can separate from love “the feeling” and all the pain that is attached and move into love “the action”, the real form of love. I want this for everyone not just for my husband. This is a battle for me, it’s hard to push myself that far away and not let my flesh and feelings get involved but I know one area where I can get help with that. I can pray. I can pray about everything, I know where my help comes from and it is time to start accessing that again.

Moving on to Being Wanted

            Moving on…this phrase seems so ominous; so much of it is unknown. I am not even sure that, that is the phrase I would use to describe what I want now. I just know that as of lately I am done with where I am and what I have allowed so far. I guess “moving forward” has a more positive ring to it. I think in reality what I want, what I have decided that I need is to be wanted. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where I wonder if I am wanted and yet seeing by action that I am not. I shouldn't have to wonder at all, I should know for a fact that if I had been wanted then I would have been kept. So I here I am at another phase of life and I have decided that its time to get up and its time to act on what I want out of the future. I think I have been doing this all along really, maybe in my own way and in my own time but I know that not one day has gone by that I have stayed the same. I know that recently I took a look back and suddenly where I had been and where I am now seemed like miles apart. When I realized this I was not comforted, I was scared. I still am. I am not necessarily fearful and shaking but I am leery…I am cautious. I am stepping out and I am thinking, this may not be exactly what you wanted either. I just know that sitting here hoping to be wanted is not where I want to stay. I have branched out a little, made some new friends, let some new people in to my life, allowed myself to be open and for the first time last night I knew for a fact that I was not the same. My feelings and my opinions have changed and my hopes and dreams aren't far behind that and when I knew this I cried my eyes out. You see there is comfort in knowing for sure what you want and waiting for it but there is a difference in that and being comfortable enough to not let life happen. I was there. I was living but all the while there was a part of me that was dying, there was a part of me that I was keeping secret and safe. The hoping was becoming my deception because what I hoped for I was staying for and you cannot stay the same. Your life will change you and your circumstances will shape you and yes you can choose how they do but not changing, that’s dangerous. So yes, I suddenly realize I had to change, that I had been changing all along and that now my heart and my mind were finally catching up with this and I hated it. I berated myself for the all the statements that I have made that I don’t even know if I agree with anymore. I cried as I felt every dream I kept safe and hidden finally being washed away to make room for new dreams. Part of me does not want the new; I want the old to be OK, to be right. Of course those of you who know me know what I am referring to. My husband, my marriage, the one thing that has stalled me in my life. I don’t know how every single day up until this point I have said ‘I love him and I cannot leave him. I cannot let him do this alone. Do what alone? Leave? Damage himself as well as others? What do I honestly feel like I am leaving him alone to do? Am I leaving him alone to survive? I know he did it to me, I know none of the failure is my fault. I know and yet I have held on with all of my might. I think for a while it was necessary to still feel like I could help him, like I could be there for him. I think it kept me sane for a lot of this past year but then I remember…it has been a year. Nothing is better with us, thing have in a way gotten worse and I feel like part of me has just kept living except this one part. There is this one part that just needed to be where it was at but, no more. This part of me is trying so hard to catch up with the rest of me and just keep moving forward. I hate and I love looking back. I love that there is good behind and there are lessons but I hate that it makes me hurt and it makes me cry. When I look back now at last year all I can see is pain. I have to go further back then a year ago to see happiness and when you can’t even see a good memory in the past year you start to realize that its time. I don’t mean that there are no good memories in any part of my life, I just mean in my marriage. I just mean in the one thing that has been my constant battle. Life in general has been good, life is good but this one thing needs to be done. When you finally take a breath and look someone in the eye and tell that them that you are ready to feel wanted again they’re reactions vary but none of them help or make you feel better. You can go from sympathetic smiles to shouts of victory and you know they mean well but you can’t imagine how they feel happy when you feel so scared. People have literally said ‘oh I am so happy that you’re FINALLY there.’ I kind of nod and smile because I think yeah…thanks, but do they know what they are saying? I am so happy that you’re finally over your husband leaving you and humiliating you? I’m not… or oh I am so happy that you’re finally not in love with that person anymore…I am. I don’t think they know that I am no where near over him I am just getting over just life we had together. I am not ready to marry the first guy that smiles at me. I am just finally ready to be wanted again. I am ready to be worthy to someone. That doesn't mean today or tomorrow it just means that I have learned that you can want and feel like you need someone and that someone can not need or want you at all. They can live without you no matter how many tears and prayers have gone out on their behalf. I have learned that, I may have even accepted that. It doesn't make the love go away but it puts the love in perspective and it lets you take that step. The moving forward really hurts; it causes some confusion such as…how can I move without my everything? He was my everything. And then you remember that in the past year you have gotten up every single day and handled life without your “everything.” At one time he was everything I wanted but I was not everything he wanted. That needs to be mutual. The love is not lost it is just different now because I am different now. I can’t say that there will not be times of hope, that I won’t sometimes feel the loss and beg God for another miracle. I cannot even say that I am not still praying for a miracle every single day but I can say that no matter where I go from here, I am going completely. I am moving forward in every single way and I moving on to being wanted. 

I don't Know

            I wore make-up to work today, I never do that. I had a rough night last night and I wasn't even awake. I know that sounds crazy but somehow in my sleep last night I kind of lost it. It was so bad that I woke myself up this morning because I was sobbing..in my sleep, because of my dream but it transferred into a physical reality. I woke and had tears in my eyes felt like I had been awake and crying all night. When I woke up I just stayed in bed thinking ‘OK you’re awake now. This dream cannot hurt you, it wasn't real, that didn't happen.’ The problem is the situation in the dream is going to happen. It will be a reality for me, I am going to have to deal with it and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and wish somehow it would all go away. What scared me the most when I finally woke up was how badly I reacted to the situation in my dream. Some things you just cannot prepare yourself for and this is one of those things. Now I’m scared…what if that’s how it really goes down? Wonder if I lose it and spend days and days of my life sobbing and crying and undoing all the careful planning and work I have put into protecting my heart and my mind. Wonder if I don’t handle this as well as I thought I was going to? Wonder if I am not OK after this? In my dream I felt completely betrayed by people that I know love me and that I know are on my side. I knew they weren't trying to hurt me and that what they did was not wrong on their part but it felt like I wasn't considered at all in the situation. The feeling and the problem was mine and I am worried that I may feel that way in real life. Needless to say I didn't wake up and then breathe a sigh of relief, I woke up with puffy red eyes from crying in my sleep and then cried some more. One more time I begged God to please make it all go away…literally all of it. The other kicker was that in my dream my older sister was here and she was taking care of me and making sure that I was OK. She sat by me while I was crying my eyes out. In real life when this happens she won’t be here. She is thousands of miles away. That reminder made me cry even more because a lot of times she has been the one who forces me to be strong, to go out, and to not wallow. It brought me to another thought; I don’t know if what I thought I wanted is really what I want. I have spent the past year of my life praying for a miracle, a specific miracle and now after all of that time I don’t know if that’s what I want. I mean I do, but what I want comes with all kinds of conditions like, I only want it if this happens or if it’s not this way and so on and so forth. I mean I know a miracle is all encompassing but wonder if its not the way I want it? Wonder if yeah, I get what I wanted but it comes at a high price that I am too tired and too worn out to pay? Its just one of those days, I have a lot of questions and I am exhausted. I hope this passes and that tomorrow I wake up knowing exactly what I want again and I go after that. I hate the not knowing and the seeming confusion. It just feels so wrong; it feels like I am fighting a battle that I shouldn't even be fighting. This is my life; this is what I have been living with and its one of those things that I hide away. Its going to get harder to hide, soon its going to be something that I am facing head on and the biggest fear is that I don’t know how I am going to get through it. I have gotten through so much in my life in this past year and I have made it, I have really made it. Now here comes something else, a different thing but still stemming from the same situation and I am just sick and tired of it. I think what I really want is to be done; I just want to be done with it all. I want to walk away and never look back. I just know that when I walk away I will lose something and in this moment right now I think I am OK with that but when I wake up tomorrow I may not feel the same. I may wake up fine and ready to fight for that again. You see for me staying in this is costing me but walking away will cost me too. For now I will keep living in hope, hope for the future, hope for a better tomorrow. I don’t know if it will come from walking away or from sitting this out and waiting but whatever way it goes I am going to need the strength to do it. 

You Get Better

            Something happens that breaks your heart and its something that you think you will never get through or get over. It’s something that haunts you day and night, in your dreams, while you are at work, in the store, everywhere and every second. Sometimes the days after it happens are actually harder and it’s not like within the first week you will start to feel better. Depending on the kind of heart break you may not even feel better in the first few months but someday you will wake up and realize that you can breathe a little easier and suddenly you start to understand that you will get better.

            One night you will go to bed and be crying your eyes out and begging God for a miracle and you will cry so hard that you will wake up with a sore throat and eyes that are swollen shut and as you look at yourself even though you look like you just battled your way through hell you remember that the tears you cried last night were the first ones in a couple of days and although it still hurts you begin to notice that you are getting better.

            There will be a time when you are looking in the mirror and you will be thinking how beautiful you are and how whole you are and you will feel invincible and it will feel like freedom but just as quickly you will be reminded of why this is a new feeling. You will be reminded that something hurt you and took away your confidence and for a moment you will get tears in your eyes and suck in your breath so you don’t cry and when that feeling of hurt passes you can go back to knowing you are complete and you have worth. Even though there was a moment of fear you will know for sure that just thinking about how beautiful you are is proof that you are getting better.

            There will be things that you ignore and that you lock up carefully somewhere deep inside so that they can no longer hurt you and yet at times people will say or do something that is a reminder of what you have hidden away. In that moment there will be a panic unlike any other because you are being reminded of something that you put away so you wouldn't have to deal with it and now its in your face and you still don’t think you can deal with it. Its sitting right there like some kind of gift from the pits of hell and the fear you feel is real. In that moment you will remember that the secret things that break your heart do not change the truth. The truth is that God holds you and he knows what is hidden and he is still taking care of that and he is still in control. When you have remembered this and the panic subsides you can know that having that assurance means that you are getting better.

            Sometimes you will be hanging out with friends and you will be laughing and smiling and living, really living and because of that and because you are getting better you start to feel guilty. It makes you sick to your stomach to know that something that changed your life and broke your heart was so far back in your mind that you were actually OK. That’s actually more scary than the thought of never being OK again…I don’t know why but I understand that. I also know that when it happens it is OK, it’s OK to feel what you are feeling but just remember that it means every single day you are getting better.

            Some days you will feel like you don’t want to get better and that getting better means forgetting and forgetting is scary so you sit in a dark room and finally let yourself feel all of the negative things. The thoughts that you have when it’s quite and your brain is not in a million other directions and you know that’s unhealthy and you know that this is something that could send you over the edge but you just want to feel pain again. You want to feel it again so you can remind yourself that something important that you loved was ripped away from you. You don’t ever want to forget how important it was. Its not what you should be doing but its what you want to  do and no one else has to get that, no one else has to understand but something you should know is that you are getting better. You will find other, less harmful ways to feel and remember but it takes time to sort it out. It takes time to understand that something important that you loved was at one time the best thing in your life and there are good memories and you can use those to feel and remember. The bad can be put away forever. When you finally reach this point it will be so clear that you are getting better.

            The thing about getting better is that it happens… it doesn't happen in a way where you are suddenly better. It is gradual, it is slow and it is really painful but it does happen. You will learn that other people can help you and sometimes with words or hugs there is a temporary feeling of you being OK, but you don’t have a cheerleader squad on your side 24/7 and sometimes you are going to hit a low. When you hit those lows you almost feel the need to be alone and so in truth sometimes you are the one who makes you better. You have to learn how to handle this and it takes some time but you really do learn. And even though this feels like an impossibility one day you will realize that every breath, every tear cried, every scream of frustration, every high and every low is just a road to you getting better.