Moving on to Being Wanted

            Moving on…this phrase seems so ominous; so much of it is unknown. I am not even sure that, that is the phrase I would use to describe what I want now. I just know that as of lately I am done with where I am and what I have allowed so far. I guess “moving forward” has a more positive ring to it. I think in reality what I want, what I have decided that I need is to be wanted. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where I wonder if I am wanted and yet seeing by action that I am not. I shouldn't have to wonder at all, I should know for a fact that if I had been wanted then I would have been kept. So I here I am at another phase of life and I have decided that its time to get up and its time to act on what I want out of the future. I think I have been doing this all along really, maybe in my own way and in my own time but I know that not one day has gone by that I have stayed the same. I know that recently I took a look back and suddenly where I had been and where I am now seemed like miles apart. When I realized this I was not comforted, I was scared. I still am. I am not necessarily fearful and shaking but I am leery…I am cautious. I am stepping out and I am thinking, this may not be exactly what you wanted either. I just know that sitting here hoping to be wanted is not where I want to stay. I have branched out a little, made some new friends, let some new people in to my life, allowed myself to be open and for the first time last night I knew for a fact that I was not the same. My feelings and my opinions have changed and my hopes and dreams aren't far behind that and when I knew this I cried my eyes out. You see there is comfort in knowing for sure what you want and waiting for it but there is a difference in that and being comfortable enough to not let life happen. I was there. I was living but all the while there was a part of me that was dying, there was a part of me that I was keeping secret and safe. The hoping was becoming my deception because what I hoped for I was staying for and you cannot stay the same. Your life will change you and your circumstances will shape you and yes you can choose how they do but not changing, that’s dangerous. So yes, I suddenly realize I had to change, that I had been changing all along and that now my heart and my mind were finally catching up with this and I hated it. I berated myself for the all the statements that I have made that I don’t even know if I agree with anymore. I cried as I felt every dream I kept safe and hidden finally being washed away to make room for new dreams. Part of me does not want the new; I want the old to be OK, to be right. Of course those of you who know me know what I am referring to. My husband, my marriage, the one thing that has stalled me in my life. I don’t know how every single day up until this point I have said ‘I love him and I cannot leave him. I cannot let him do this alone. Do what alone? Leave? Damage himself as well as others? What do I honestly feel like I am leaving him alone to do? Am I leaving him alone to survive? I know he did it to me, I know none of the failure is my fault. I know and yet I have held on with all of my might. I think for a while it was necessary to still feel like I could help him, like I could be there for him. I think it kept me sane for a lot of this past year but then I remember…it has been a year. Nothing is better with us, thing have in a way gotten worse and I feel like part of me has just kept living except this one part. There is this one part that just needed to be where it was at but, no more. This part of me is trying so hard to catch up with the rest of me and just keep moving forward. I hate and I love looking back. I love that there is good behind and there are lessons but I hate that it makes me hurt and it makes me cry. When I look back now at last year all I can see is pain. I have to go further back then a year ago to see happiness and when you can’t even see a good memory in the past year you start to realize that its time. I don’t mean that there are no good memories in any part of my life, I just mean in my marriage. I just mean in the one thing that has been my constant battle. Life in general has been good, life is good but this one thing needs to be done. When you finally take a breath and look someone in the eye and tell that them that you are ready to feel wanted again they’re reactions vary but none of them help or make you feel better. You can go from sympathetic smiles to shouts of victory and you know they mean well but you can’t imagine how they feel happy when you feel so scared. People have literally said ‘oh I am so happy that you’re FINALLY there.’ I kind of nod and smile because I think yeah…thanks, but do they know what they are saying? I am so happy that you’re finally over your husband leaving you and humiliating you? I’m not… or oh I am so happy that you’re finally not in love with that person anymore…I am. I don’t think they know that I am no where near over him I am just getting over just life we had together. I am not ready to marry the first guy that smiles at me. I am just finally ready to be wanted again. I am ready to be worthy to someone. That doesn't mean today or tomorrow it just means that I have learned that you can want and feel like you need someone and that someone can not need or want you at all. They can live without you no matter how many tears and prayers have gone out on their behalf. I have learned that, I may have even accepted that. It doesn't make the love go away but it puts the love in perspective and it lets you take that step. The moving forward really hurts; it causes some confusion such as…how can I move without my everything? He was my everything. And then you remember that in the past year you have gotten up every single day and handled life without your “everything.” At one time he was everything I wanted but I was not everything he wanted. That needs to be mutual. The love is not lost it is just different now because I am different now. I can’t say that there will not be times of hope, that I won’t sometimes feel the loss and beg God for another miracle. I cannot even say that I am not still praying for a miracle every single day but I can say that no matter where I go from here, I am going completely. I am moving forward in every single way and I moving on to being wanted.