Did you ever have one of those days where you are
just pushing through because the only other option is that you just cease to
exist? Today has been one of those days where on the surface it is smiles and
calm because maybe if I keep at it I will even trick myself into being happy
again. "Fake it till you make it" is actually something that tends to
work... for a while. It can get you through a day at work or a gathering with
friends and family and it helps keep you composed until you are home alone. I
get that faking it is not always an acceptable way to go about things, believe
me I am not saying it should become a life practice but it has its uses. When
something drastic changes in your life and it is perceived as a bad thing
people tend to go overboard on you. Encouraging you to death and helping until
they hurt. Things they say and do are all because they love you and they know
how wonderful you are and they want to prove it to you but, let's face it, it
is exhausting and overwhelming a lot of the time. A crisis occurs and suddenly everyone
else knows what is best for you and how you should run your life. They want to
tell you “No! Don’t do that”, or “this is exactly what you should say/ do.” So
this is one of those times when you fake it. Fake that you are ok most if not
all of the time and fake that you are living life and loving it better than
ever. Fake that you wake up every single day knowing how beautiful and amazing
you are. Fake it so that all the well doers finally leave you alone. This
works, I know that this works because this has been my life recently. Suddenly
you are not on suicide watch every single day and you find that sometimes you don’t
even have to fake it because you are learning by default what makes you really
happy and you chase those things. Sometimes while perfecting the art of faking
it you actually learn some things about yourself and you find things in life
that put a genuine smile on your face. This is why I find that for me
personally faking it just really means making it. I am doing what I have to do
to survive and to be the person I really want to be and even when I don’t feel
like it I try so hard to just focus on the positive and be a happy girl. I believe
that it is true that the prettiest girl is a happy girl. I love being pretty, I
want to be pretty all of the time and to achieve that I put time and effort
into looking physically pretty and then I try to be happy. You make your own happiness;
you are in charge of that and no one else. Many times you need a perspective
adjustment to realize that you really are happy and you let all the negative fall
away and you become so amazing. On days
like today you do not always feel happy because sometimes things just feel
wrong and you hurt inside. Sometimes the ache is deeper than buying new clothes
or eating chocolate, sometimes the ache is set so far inside and its then that
you realize it doesn’t matter if you feel like you can fake it or not. You have
to keep pushing on and you have to keep doing life. On days like today faking
it means I didn’t leave work early and go home and crawl into bed wishing that I
wouldn’t wake up ever again. Today faking it means I got up and I brushed my
teeth and I went to work and I smiled but on the inside I just want to be alone
and I want to be miserable. I know that’s the wrong attitude but I just want to
be left alone in my misery. Maybe I want to cry my eyes out or just scream,
maybe I want to sleep and not think at all, but I know that, that is not what I
am doing. Today faking it means living life when I would rather not. I am just
pushing through and I am doing it for myself and I am doing it well but I am
ready to be done. I am ready to go home and take off the fake and just be
nothing. I really will not have the chance to do this today and although that’s
what I want, I know it’s not best and I know that not doing it is better. I
know that I will go to sleep tonight happy to be away from the thoughts and
hurts of today and that tomorrow I will wake up and be ready to take on the
world again. Life will go on and I will be better again.
