Confessions of a Fake

Did you ever have one of those days where you are just pushing through because the only other option is that you just cease to exist? Today has been one of those days where on the surface it is smiles and calm because maybe if I keep at it I will even trick myself into being happy again. "Fake it till you make it" is actually something that tends to work... for a while. It can get you through a day at work or a gathering with friends and family and it helps keep you composed until you are home alone. I get that faking it is not always an acceptable way to go about things, believe me I am not saying it should become a life practice but it has its uses. When something drastic changes in your life and it is perceived as a bad thing people tend to go overboard on you. Encouraging you to death and helping until they hurt. Things they say and do are all because they love you and they know how wonderful you are and they want to prove it to you but, let's face it, it is exhausting and overwhelming a lot of the time. A crisis occurs and suddenly everyone else knows what is best for you and how you should run your life. They want to tell you “No! Don’t do that”, or “this is exactly what you should say/ do.” So this is one of those times when you fake it. Fake that you are ok most if not all of the time and fake that you are living life and loving it better than ever. Fake that you wake up every single day knowing how beautiful and amazing you are. Fake it so that all the well doers finally leave you alone. This works, I know that this works because this has been my life recently. Suddenly you are not on suicide watch every single day and you find that sometimes you don’t even have to fake it because you are learning by default what makes you really happy and you chase those things. Sometimes while perfecting the art of faking it you actually learn some things about yourself and you find things in life that put a genuine smile on your face. This is why I find that for me personally faking it just really means making it. I am doing what I have to do to survive and to be the person I really want to be and even when I don’t feel like it I try so hard to just focus on the positive and be a happy girl. I believe that it is true that the prettiest girl is a happy girl. I love being pretty, I want to be pretty all of the time and to achieve that I put time and effort into looking physically pretty and then I try to be happy. You make your own happiness; you are in charge of that and no one else. Many times you need a perspective adjustment to realize that you really are happy and you let all the negative fall away and you become so amazing.  On days like today you do not always feel happy because sometimes things just feel wrong and you hurt inside. Sometimes the ache is deeper than buying new clothes or eating chocolate, sometimes the ache is set so far inside and its then that you realize it doesn’t matter if you feel like you can fake it or not. You have to keep pushing on and you have to keep doing life. On days like today faking it means I didn’t leave work early and go home and crawl into bed wishing that I wouldn’t wake up ever again. Today faking it means I got up and I brushed my teeth and I went to work and I smiled but on the inside I just want to be alone and I want to be miserable. I know that’s the wrong attitude but I just want to be left alone in my misery. Maybe I want to cry my eyes out or just scream, maybe I want to sleep and not think at all, but I know that, that is not what I am doing. Today faking it means living life when I would rather not. I am just pushing through and I am doing it for myself and I am doing it well but I am ready to be done. I am ready to go home and take off the fake and just be nothing. I really will not have the chance to do this today and although that’s what I want, I know it’s not best and I know that not doing it is better. I know that I will go to sleep tonight happy to be away from the thoughts and hurts of today and that tomorrow I will wake up and be ready to take on the world again. Life will go on and I will be better again.