Workout Horrors!

                Yesterday was my worst workout day so far!! I didn’t think I would write another post so soon but I seriously almost lost it yesterday working out and I feel like I need to let it out. I knew that the hardest part of this weight loss battle would be mental but I don’t think it helps that I am already pretty mentally unstable. My brain is on a whole other level! Yesterday marked the first full week of my new healthy eating and working out life and I felt good about it all day. I was so ready to just get into it and burn more calories and get myself toned and I thought I was going to be on fire…nope. The issue is that I was already having a mental battle because I knew I needed to clean and I knew that if I cleaned first I would not want to workout but if I worked out first then I would be too tired to really clean. As a responsible adult I feel like cleaning my house should be a priority and taking care of my home is part of growing up and I do feel better when my home is clean. I neglected it all weekend to the point where I had to still put the clean sheets on my bed but I still felt my obsessive behavior coming through and I just knew I had to go on my walk/ jog and exercise or I would feel like such a fail. I decided that I would workout right away and still get the important cleaning handled and that no matter what I would just push through it all. I drove to the park…and feeling like the champ I parked at the farthest end to give myself a little more walking time. I didn’t know then that I was going to hate myself for it later. I waked down the little path headed to the trail and it hit me immediately, I was tired and it was hot and I was going to do at least two miles whether I wanted to or not. I did not want to do it at all! I wanted to turn right around and go home and pretend that cleaning my toilet was a workout. I was seriously halfway through my first mile and I was huffing and puffing from walking and I was sweaty and maybe even crying a little bit. Pandora wouldn’t work and although I have some music on my phone it’s not my normal workout music. My legs hurt, I felt a little light headed and it was just horrible but I kept going and even pushed myself to do some jogging sprints. It didn’t feel good; it didn’t feel like an accomplishment it just felt like hell. With tears in my eyes and heavy breathing I started to go down that horrible path in my mind. I was thinking ‘I have been doing this for a week and there is no change! I am gonna be one of those people who tries so hard and gets no where. If there is a difference it is that one of my many rolls may be one tenth smaller than it was and that’s not enough for a week of killing myself. I want cake.’ Yes I was having a pity party and so once again I pushed myself to do some more jogging. I still didn’t feel good and I still felt tired and it still wanted to go hide from the world. I finished my first mile and went in for my second and once again halfway through that I was like “I’m done”! The biggest problem is at that point I have to walk back to my car, so I can finish out the trail or turn around but either way I’m getting that whole mile in LOL. I just decided to keep going but to keep my pace up I started being nasty to myself. I was pushing myself but the things I was thinking to push myself could probably make someone suicidal. So then I got myself all upset in a whole different way and I was just like wow! Could this possibly go any worse? I think the fact that mere walking with a little jogging mixed in was making me so exhausted really killed it. I was so out of shape that just walking was making me want to die. It hits home when you realize how far gone your body really is at 25 years old. It just felt like such a tragedy and I felt so miserable. I finished my second mile in a jog…still didn’t feel proud. I felt tired and sweaty and then I looked out at the parking lot and wanted to collapse. What had I been thinking parking on the opposite side of the parking lot? I mean the parking lot isn’t even that big and I was still in despair. I half walked half sobbed my way to the car and dropped into my seat. I took some deep breaths and realized that I did it. I didn’t do it the way I wanted to and I didn’t do it with all that fire and passion but I didn’t quit either. Finally at that point I started to feel a little bit better. My legs were shaking and I felt like I was going to pass out but I had made it. I got home and even managed to do another 30 minutes of toning which was also a huge deal for me. I spent like five minutes on the floor hating my tummy. I was literally like OMG what am I doing?? Why am I still so blubbery?! I didn’t even feel like I was doing my crunches correctly, everything just felt so wrong but I was like ya know what? I have come this far today and I will keep going. So I did! I got through my whole workout and cleaned my bathroom and made my bed and made dinner. I definitely did not feel like I rocked it yesterday. I do not feel like I was conquering my weight but I guess how I feel doesn’t matter because I did it anyways and on the scale this morning the number was down. I am hoping that with it physically getting easier it will also get easier mentally. Like one of my besties told me today, “you shouldn’t think so negatively or do that to yourself because then working out will always have that negative feeling. Start thinking about the positive end and the good things that will happen when you have met your goals.” I agree. I should not tell myself how ugly I am, that’s not true. I shouldn’t tell myself that anything that has happened in my life that I don’t like or that hurt me is a result of me not being super model skinny, that’s a horrid lie. I should look at the fact that I will be healthy and happy and make some guy really happy someday when he sees me naked ;-) Today I am going on a hike with my friend and so I will not be alone with my thoughts and I will be in a different area and see different scenery and I think that today is going to be better. I am still fairly certain that I will never be that girl that loves to workout. I am pretty sure I kinda hate it, but I am determined.