I was, I am, I will be

                        Last night I was so home sick. It hit me out of no where as I was lying in bed. My day was good, really good in fact and I was all motivated and ready to go. I am getting myself psyched to lose weight (More on that in a bit) and I was feeling so good and positive about getting healthy and happy. I spent some time walking in a nature park and it was beautiful and nice and I felt good. I cleaned up my house a little bit and went tanning and painted my nails and just did stuff that was “me stuff”. I love doing things that make me feel well groomed and fresh. I took a nice shower and just relaxed after watching my favorite shows. I even got into bed thinking wow I should sleep good! No, not at all, suddenly this overwhelming, suffocating feeling came out of the blue. I have no idea what triggered this because like I said…it was a good day. For the first time in months I felt like I needed to go home and by home I mean the apartment my husband and I shared for almost two years. The funny thing was that I didn't want to go there thinking that maybe he would be there and for the first few minutes last night it really didn't have anything to do with him, I just wanted to be where my home was. I know that where I live now is a good situation, it’s a safe place and I still believe that. I still remember that there were a good two months in my apartment where things were not good and I didn't feel super happy or comfortable with what was happening. I didn't forget all of that last night but I did want to go home to my bed and my couches and my things all around me. I miss having my place and knowing that its mine and that it looks good because I put the effort into it. I loved coming home and taking acre of my things and knowing exactly where stuff was. I loved that it was a home that started from scratch and I made it my own, or rather our own. I guess a lot of it was home because he was there and we made it together. Last night I didn't even care if he was there or not I just wanted to be there and I was lying in a bed that’s not really mine, in a room that’s not really mine, in a house that’s not mine at all. I know I can feel at home and do as I please and I love that and most days I can ignore the fact that I had a whole other life where I was on my own and I had my own things but last night I cried. I didn't even try to stop myself from letting the tears fall. I had no idea where the feeling came from and I didn't have time to prepare myself for the tears so I just cried. I thought about all the good things I have now and how blessed I am yet I still cried. I tried to tell myself how negative it would be to be back in the home that we had built together all alone and still I cried. I tried to remind myself that when I was there alone for that month that I would lay in my room and listen for Mark’s car to see if maybe he was coming back and that without thinking I would probably do that again. So then with all of those thoughts in my head I cried harder and I was like wow…time to stop. There is no way I can go back home, that place will never ever be home again. We made sure of that with an eviction and even if we hadn't that place could never be a home for me again. There would be too much, I mean I am moving forward with my life and what am I supposed to do? Should I go back to that exact apartment and take the furniture I have and try to set it up in the same exact way as before? Should I pretend that life isn’t 100% different now and that I can go back to what it was? I mean I can never go back to that and it made me so sad. I miss being the lady of my home. I miss being a wife in every way and not just in the legal sense and for a little while last night I wanted to go back to the place where I felt like I mattered. I finally fell asleep last night and I when I woke up this morning I felt better and not so devastated. Like I said I am not sure where it all came from last night but I think sometimes I will have relapses and I am not going to let it hurt me or get to me. I will just deal with it in that moment and move on.

            I am currently on my four billionth attempt to lose weight. I have started this and not followed through time and time again but now I really wanna get this done and I have some goals in sight. I have done this before and lost some weight and toned up and that is all well and good but the last time I did this was like a year ago and I didn't lose enough to make what I have gained in the past six months ok at all. Most people in crisis mode lose weight…not me. I think my friends were all so worried that I would stop eating that they over compensated and took me out for more food than one human could possibly need. I was constantly being asked if I was eating so I slammed pizza and garbage plates and ice cream like a champ to prove that I was just fine. Call it part of my faking it until I make it scheme however; I faked it so good that I gained a good 20 pounds and I am disgusted. I am dropping these twenty plus another ten at least and then I will see how it feels. On top of losing the weight I want to tone. I want to be able to rock a bikini…at a mall…in December and have people thinking “WOW.” Haha I know that seems ludicrous but I don’t care that is my goal. I will never be a tiny, skinny girl because I am not built like that but I can be a pretty, and fit girl. I can be healthier and put away some of the sugar. That is what I want to do and since I have nothing holding me back except my own discipline issues, I am going to drop some weight. I have already started by being more active this week and although today would be my first full day of eating better consciously I already feel like its all gonna be ok. I refuse to cut anything in particular out of my diet as far as sugars, carbs, and sodium but I can cut down on all of that in a huge way and up my intake of irons and proteins and vitamins. The biggest challenge for me is going to be mental. I know the minute I have a bad day and that cake is sitting there I am going to want to eat it, no not a slice, yes the whole thing. My first step will be to get an temptations out of my house so that way if I do have some candy or cake it will only be when I am out and as a special treat. I know I can do this and I do not need anyone else cheering me on because I am the only who sees me naked right now. So I do have some goals and I want to accomplish them 

            I will be ok. Every day I am getting better and better and even when things happen that should set me back I am so far from where I was that I can handle them way better. I am able to love simple things again and find the silliest things amusing or funny. For instance…teddy grahams. Has anyone else ever realized that these delicious little cookies have belly buttons??? That’s freaking adorable and I love it. I will be writing more light hearted posts. It is summer and it feels like a fresh start and I am ready to be funny again. I am sure I have had and will have many adventures to write about and you know me, a trip to Wegmans can be an adventure ;)