No God, not that Miracle!

Author’s Note: I had this entire post almost written out last night on my phone and then out of no where it completely erased. I think this was a good thing although I was super irritated in the moment.  I had written out something that I thought was awesome and it expressed how I was feeling exactly. The only problem was that last night I was feeling so sad, so lonely, and so exhausted. I cried the entire time that I was writing the post. I think that my emotion allows me to be a better writer however with what I wanted to blog about I need to get emotion out of the way and let truth be the foundation of this post. So today I am starting over, not to say that this subject will not cause some kind of emotion for me but today I can write with a clear mind.

             There was a time about eight or so months ago where I knew my relationship was failing and I did not want it to. I still do not and I never will but at that point I thought I still had a chance to fight for it. I thought we could get through a rough patch and be able to come out stronger. I thought that I could help that process by changing who I was and how I reacted to life. The kind of changing that took place was actually something that caused me to go with compromise over conviction. Slowly but steadily I allowed things into my home that I would have never thought I would be dealing with. I would not say that I was living in sin but I was definitely living with sin and it took a toll on me. I hated what I saw going on but I pretended that it was ok because I didn't want to fight and I didn't want to be looked at like a nag. The whole feeling in my home was just the feeling of a broken home. I still believed that something good could happen and something could be changed so I did the only thing I knew I could do. I prayed, I prayed for a miracle. I would pray constantly for a miracle to take place in my home, in my relationship, and in my life. At one point I was so tired of fighting alone and I had my best friend come over and pray in the apartment with me. We prayed against sin and we prayed for change to take my place and we prayed for God to protect me and not allow me to be affected by what was going on. We prayed that hearts and minds would be changed and we believed God to take care of the whole situation. I haven’t realized until recently that, that is exactly what God did. He took a broken situation and made a miracle happen. At the time of it happening I remember not acknowledging it as any kind of miracle. In fact I was more angry and scared than I ever have been before and I had the kind of anxiety that made me ill. The way I planned it out God would fix my relationship and bless my home and things would be all better. I expected it to take time and I didn't think that it would be an easy fix. Sometimes damage takes time to heal. That was my first mistake putting a limit or a time frame on God’s miracle. The day sin left my home for good so did my husband. He moved out and with that I no longer had to pretend like things were ok. I did not go home that night and feel any kind of instantaneous change. I did not go home and breathe a sigh of relief thinking that everything was finally ok. I went home and saw rooms missing parts of him and by default parts of me. I went home and decided that God had decided not to work any miracles in that area and that somehow I hadn't prayed enough or made it clear enough that what I wanted was everything to be fixed. I was so angry because I always believed and still do that God wanted my marriage to succeed, he never wanted it to fail so why hadn't he fixed it?! Why wasn't it ok? If you have read any of my other posts then you already know that I went through depression and fear and anxiety that would shut me down for days. I never saw the miracle. I never thanked him for what he had done because I felt like he hadn't done anything. To this day I believe that what God wanted and wants is for my marriage to have succeeded and been something awesome forever. I believe his will is for marriage to be sacred and that he would have made it better and beautiful but he also gives people the freedom of their own will. He wants us to serve him because we want to and not because he has forced us and with that freedom of our will comes the chance that some people will reject him and that some people will choose to live in a way that ruins them. Sometimes the decision you make in an instant will change the way things should have been forever. I am not saying there is no coming back to God and that he would ever reject someone. You can go to heaven having been a murder at one time because he changes you to be something holy and pure and when he does you are no longer a murderer. You can go to heaven after leaving your wife and getting a divorce or doing drugs, or tearing a family apart. God can save you from anything but honestly the decisions you made in sin can have lasting consequences on your body and your life on earth. I didn’t think that would be something that I would have to think about because my miracle should have taken place and I should have what I wanted. I was angry and somehow placed the blame everywhere except where it belonged. When I was evicted out of my home that seemed to be confirmation that my life should just end. Where was my miracle?? I had no idea then that God was doing just what I had asked for. Life got better and I got over myself enough to see that I was ok and that everything was going to be ok and it took time but it happened. I would say that the real revelation of my miracle didn’t happen until this weekend. I was talking to my brother in law and we were talking about how when you are in the will of God and your letting him lead you then your whole life is a miracle. When you get up in the morning and spend all day not sinning you are living a miraculous life. I started to think about my own life and the past 6-9 months and how much I have changed. My first thought was that God took me out of a situation that was damaging me. He put me in a home where I am completely protected. He gave me peace and he gave me joy. He put me into a situation where now I can start getting out of debt and every single day of my life is not a struggle to stay on top. He gave me the miracle I asked for, a better life. I don’t know that the miracle of my relationship being mended will happen but I do know if not that then I will be in another relationship and I will have everything I wanted. I do know that lately God has been moving and changing lives and that everything is ok because everyone who wants to do right will get the chance to be saved and go to heaven and that includes people who have walked away. As I sat there thinking about miracle after miracle that has happened to me my first thought was “No God! Not that miracle.” I didn't want that miracle, but I do. I want every day of my life to be a miracle. Whatever has to happen for me to see that and live in that is what I want. I don’t want to put a limitation on God’s miracles. The minute I start telling him how the miracle needs to happen then I am limiting the miracle and it is no longer a miracle. I still tell God what I want everyday. He knows my heart and I cannot hide my heart’s desires from him. I am not going to try and hide what I want. In the bible it says you have not because you ask not and I believe that. I also believe that God loves me enough to not only give me everything I need but he also cares about what I want. My biggest desire is to be right and to live my life completely for him and he is performing miracles every day so that I can do that.  I know that what has already happened this far has been amazing and I know that what is continuing to happen will be even greater.