I Don't Want to Forget

            I have been feeling so good lately and having such a good life and although I am sad and I do miss my husband I have started to just live life normally. I am not sure how else to put it, I am back to just living my life and doing things without such an overwhelming fear. Not to say that I don’t have bad days and not to say that there aren’t times where I just want to end life or start it over but mostly I am good. A lot of days I am so busy with life and I have good nights and I just feel like this is my new normal. This is my life right now. I cannot go back to the past and I cannot fast forward to the future and I can’t even think about what could happen in the future…I just live right now. It has been so good and I have plans to go away in a little over a week and I haven’t thought about the bad and the scary in a consistent fashion for quite some time. The biggest problem is realizing this, that I am ok. I really think that I am afraid to be ok without my husband. I am afraid to say that I am happy and smiling while he is not around. I am afraid to admit that there are days where I am so glad that I do not have to talk to him because then for that day I can just ignore what we were and what we had. I am afraid to say that I am moving on because I am concerned that if I say that and acknowledge that then I am saying that I don’t love him anymore. I am afraid that moving on means forgetting and I don’t want to forget him. I am acting like he is dead right? Like I am so panicked to forget the great love of my life, like I lost the one man who understood me and who loved me with all he had. It’s more like I am talking about my hero that died rather than the man that willingly looked at me crying and alone and walked out. Let me clarify, he did not die he is still very much alive. I still have to communicate with him on a weekly basis concerning business we have. The great hero did not die and leave his beautiful bride in a tragic romance. My story is more like…My great hero gave up on himself and decided to walk away from something that should have lasted forever. No matter how it ended I am still afraid to forget the man I married. Not so much the man who walked away but definitely the man I married. The “man” that walked away was no longer the man that I gave my heart to. I had a moment where I was upset because I couldn’t remember certain songs that had been in my wedding. I mean I remember the day collectively but I have forgotten some details and that really scares me. I am afraid to forget one of the happiest days of my life but I am not sure why I am so afraid to forget something that no longer exists. Yesterday I finally realized why I am so afraid to forget the love we had. I was going through my purses and cleaning them out because my best friend wanted to borrow one. I have mild pack rat syndrome and to alleviate that when I switch purses I put some of the stuff I don’t need but I can’t throw away into another purse. I grabbed a bunch of papers out of one purse and found a letter and a card that my husband had given me pre marriage. It was from one of the times that we dated. The time before we got married and at this time we had already dated once and then broken up (his choice again) and then we started dating again. The letter basically was an apology of everything he had put me through because during our time apart he had been through some painful situations and he realized how what he had done to me must have hurt. It was also an acknowledgement of what I was for him, someone who was always on his side always loving him and trusting him no matter what and last but not least it was a declaration of what he wanted to be for me and what he wanted for us in the future. I got to the end of letter and cried. I wasn’t sobbing or hyperventilating. I was not devastated and torn apart all over again. I was sad and I missed that man. I missed the man that wanted the best out of life. I felt a loss for what he wanted to be and to this day has not accomplished. I also felt so relieved. I could finally look at myself and say ‘ yes he did care about you and he did love you, you are not crazy.’ I seriously had gotten to the point where I was thinking maybe I made it all up in my head. Maybe I should have seen the signs and not married him. Maybe I shouldn’t have put my trust in him. Maybe he never really cared and I was just a stop on the way. I was thinking that I must be crazy to think he loved me. I must be so stupid. How could I have possibly thought that this marriage was really what he ever wanted? The letter hurt for a minute but mostly that letter set me free. The letter gave me proof that I didn’t go into this like an idiot. I did it right by loving him and trusting him and hoping for us. I know things ended and not in a good way but I am not a fool. He was not a fool; he did what he wanted to do. He did the right thing when he married me; the marriage is never going to be a mistake. I was so sad thinking that it was a huge mistake but it wasn’t. It was the best thing and the right thing. It was not a lie. I guess I just needed to be reminded of that, and that’s why I am afraid to forget. I don’t want to forget the good because the good was right and the good was the truth. I don’t think that moving on has to mean forgetting although sometimes it will happen. I can still want to have good days and be happy; I don’t want that to change. I already know that with or without him, no matter what happens I want to have love and be happy and share my life with someone. I don’t doubt that it will happen for me, but I also don’t want to completely forget a part of my life that was so good. 

Another Day in My Life

            On Monday afternoon I got home from work and cleaned my bathroom and bedroom (these rooms were becoming hazardous) and then decided I would lay on my bed until I had to get up and get ready for church. Every time I leave work I feel exhausted and always think OK nap time! Well since I had been moving around right when I got home I actually managed to boost my energy and so when I finally got on my bed the desire to nap was gone. Sometimes I try and force myself to nap because I know that there will be a day when I really need one and I wont have the time and then I will regret all the days that I could have napped and didn't  The whole forcing thing was a fail! first I tried to get all cozy and wrapped up to make myself feel nice and calm and ready for sleep, instead I got hot and sweaty and irritated. Then I just sat there staring at the ceiling and willing myself to fall asleep, no good. That’s when I made a fat girl decision…get up and bake cookies! Yeah there was no get up and work out girl! By the way on a side note the whole working out and eating better thing has just been non existent in my life and I intend to walk tonight to get back into the groove and I also ate tuna on crackers (triscuits) for lunch. I wouldn't say I am back into it full throttle but I’m slowly climbing onto the healthy band wagon again. So, like I was saying it was not like ‘hey fatty lets go walk’ it was like ‘hey cutie go make some yummy cookies to keep on your curves’ LOL. I had this super simple recipe for Coffee Cake cookies and so I decided to that but the recipe called for a roll of pre-made sugar cookie dough, even I didn't have that on hand. I love to bake and I am good at it so I thought no biggy I will just make sugar cookie dough and do it that way and then the cookies will be even better! I found an easy sugar cookie dough recipe…thank you Google and went to the cupboard to get out all my ingredients. OK so not only did I not have the pre-made dough but I didn't have all of the ingredients I needed to make the dough and even worse I didn't really have any food. You would think that, that knowledge right there would have deterred my baking demons but no, instead of thinking ‘hey run to the store and get some real food and eat dinner.’ I thought ‘hey run to the store and get that roll of cookie dough’! Well I wasn't fully dressed and my hair was in a super messy (not in the cute way) bun and I just looked a mess. OK so I admit it, my lazy girl was just ruling my life that day and so I just decided that I would put a skirt on and a hoodie and some flip flops and the hair could stay as was because I was just gonna run into CVS and get the few things I needed. No one who goes there or works there would care and it was an in and out job. CVS let me down in a big way that night, CVS never lets me down! I stood there in the aisle contemplating my entire life as I realized they didn't have really anything that I needed. I wanted to complain to someone who would understand but my appearance stopped me from making eye contact with anyone to see if they would be able to relate. Yes, I wanted someone to relate to the lazy, messy cookie monster that I had become. I literally sulked my entire way out of CVS and decided I would go to Wegmans. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I mean when I say I had on a hoodie and skirt and flip flops you can imagine a cute outfit and messy buns aren't always that bad but this was not “cute girl grunge” this was more like “don’t leave your house because people with think you’re a crystal meth user grunge.” this was not a night for making good decisions and luckily for me I had to go to church so I didn't make any decisions that would be life shaming. I did however feel like it was appropriate to go into Wegmans looking like trash. I mean some people do it...ya know flannel pajama pants and an over sized t-shirt, I am not kidding when I say I would have looked better in that than what I had on. I flip flopped my way into Wegmans, nearly killing myself because it had been raining and Old Navy’s flip flops are not safe when soaked! I nearly broke my ankle slipping around like five times from the parking lot to the life saving carpets in the entrance. OMG I was not even walking with Grace and Dignity. Such a mess!! I did a decent job of getting what I needed and getting to the checkout and that’s when I realized, some really cute guys work at Wegmans. Some really cute guys who work at Wegmans now know what I look like when I am not trying and that right there hurts me in the worst way. I get into line and look up and momentarily forget that I am Cinderella before the fairy God Mother and drug rehab and think Ooooh he is such a cutie. He wasn't even a cutie in the ‘I am 16 and this is my first job’ kind of way so there was no guilt when my heart started beating all irregularly. I was all smiley and sweet and then I take a step forward and my darn slippery flip flops quickly brought me back to reality. It was too late to back down now but wow, I must have looked like a fool. I am acting like I just spent hours getting cute and realistically he is probably thinking wow, I should be nice to her so she doesn't do anything weird. I am sure the “cute” smile on my face made me look like a crazed stalker. I walked out of Wegmans with a wisdom that I never needed so much and that is this…do NOT ever go into Wegmans without looking good. The workers there are cute, the customers there are cute, and you will see people you know almost every time. Take those five minutes to find a cute and comfy outfit, do something semi decent with your hair or better yet only go when you have already been somewhere that you needed to look cute for. I usually go after church so this is not an issue I generally have but now I am aware and I want to make all of you aware. There should be a book on Wegman’s awareness and the first topic should be how to dress when you visit Wegmans. I guess maybe this would be a good practice for life no matter where you go. I am not over the top and I don’t think heels are necessary or even appropriate for a park but there is a standard of decency that should be in all of us. I apparently need to practice this more than I thought. I do wonder, if my flip flops had the diamond studs on the straps would this have helped my case at all…?

Time Will Not Stop

                I have realized that if there is one thing in life that breaks my heart the most it is the realization that time does not stop and wait for people and even if we do, life continues and time keeps on moving. Why does this break my heart? Because sometimes I am afraid that people are waiting too long to do what they should have done long before and eventually your life ends and sometimes people never make it to the place where they are what they should be and should have been all along. It breaks my heart because people I care about so much are in the process of ruining their lives and at any second it can just end. How many wake up calls and failures does it take for people to realize that this is not a game? I don’t get angry, I get sad. I am worried for them and I want them to be all better. My heart doesn't break that you have made a mistake or that while ruining your life you have hurt other people that love you so much, it breaks my heart that someday your life may end and when it ends you will not have become better, you have not been all that you should be. I am not kidding when I say that I wish I could pause time and let all of my friends and family get to a good place and then continue with them, always moving forward and none of us moving backward. I love people, I love people a lot! I want everyone to be ok and not just ok but happy and having a really good life. Once I invest in you I never want to see you hurt or scared or alone and what hurts me most is that sometimes people let themselves do that over and over. It’s like I can see them drowning but they don’t want help and so you walk away but you never forget the feeling of watching them fail. You can walk away from someone and not look back, you can move on with your life and you will because like I said time continues but that doesn't mean that you forget the way it looked to watch them waste their life. I will never forget that. I will never forget what it is like. To walk away does not mean to forget, to walk away means to not keep looking in that direction. Time continues and your life flies by and one day you wake up and realize that over six months have passed and you are better and you are alive and then you remember that not everyone walked out of this better. Someone stayed behind. If you are anything like me then that’s when your heart breaks all over again. You don’t like to watch someone fail; you don’t like to remember that they are ruining so many good things for themselves and for other people. I just want time to stop until they can get their crap together. Time does not stop. I mean I guess if it did it would be a horrible feeling for you. You would be stuck in that place of pain and fear just waiting for someone else and that’s not a good way to live, but watching time move on and their life waste away doesn't always seem like a better option. I know what the right thing to do is; I know that making sure I am where I should be takes precedence over putting you’re my life on hold. I know that being happy and living life is important and so I do what I have to do to make sure that’s where I am, but there are times when I am thinking about someone I left behind and it breaks my heart. There are moments where I am really sad knowing that not everyone I love is ok. I know I am right and I know I am ok, but sometimes knowing that is just a reminder that not everyone is and that sucks. 

Make a Choice

                Peace you don’t understand, I always kind of wondered what that meant exactly and now I feel like I know a little better. Every time I get scared, or sad, or worry about something it tends cripple me. I find myself not wanting to get up or leave the house and I always sit there thinking OK you have to do this. You don’t have a choice, but I actually do. I made the choice, good life over a life with regrets. I made the choice to be happy and I made the choice to let God have control so that I really can have a happy life. I was talking with my sister recently and the conversation actually made me think, before I could respond to what she was saying I really had to think about what I believe, not what I have been told. We were talking about how God is in control of everything and yet he gave us free will, meaning we make choices on our own and he doesn't force us. He does not force us to do right or love him and he does not force other people to treat us the right way. God still has all the power and can do whatever he wants but he gave us the choice. He wants us to love him and give him control over our lives because we are not slaves; we are cherished as his children. People will still make decisions and mistakes that affect us, and even hurt us but that does not mean God is not in control. If you have given him control than he has all power in your life by your choice. He could force it, but I don’t think he would, Then its not about love, it’s about an unhealthy fear. In saying that I think that really loving God and having faith in him and having peace all go hand in hand. Now, peace you don’t understand…how can there be a peace that you don’t understand? I think it tends to happen when there is a situation you do not understand. When you are hurting and you don’t understand why, I mean for me the reason I don’t understand the hurt and the fear I have sometimes is because I am not sure how when I love God I can still fear. I should never have to be afraid, I should never have to be depressed and yet there are days when I really do. I have horrible feelings and I get anxiety and I know it’s not right and I know I need to pray and I don’t understand why I have it. I feel like I fail God every single time because I feel like if I love him and if I trust him then I shouldn't have to deal with the negative feelings. Well that’s when peace I don’t understand comes in. Peace in a situation where you don’t know why you are even in the situation. Peace when you should be going crazy and peace even when you feel like a fail as a human being. Its not that the bad feelings go away and stay away it’s the ability to get up and keep going because you know you don’t live by the feelings. It’s the assurance you have that you will always be ok. It’s the fact that you can just say “Jesus” and suddenly you have strength. It’s the fact that when I am alone I can still smile and say “Thank you for this day, thank you for my life.”

                People will tell me how strong I am and I always have this somewhat bitter thought…well I don’t have a choice but once again I do have a choice. I need to stop acting like I live my life because I have to; I live my life because I want to. I live my life because life is a gift. Life is not guaranteed, life is beautiful and it is always worth it to choose life. There were a few times this past weekend where strong was the last thing I wanted to be. Those scared and hurt feelings started and then I started feeling angry and I knew that it wasn't OK; I knew that I was wrong but it felt so serious. I wanted yell at people and hurt people back who have made me feel like I am less or that I wasn't good enough. I wanted to lash out at the person that I feel like took my happiness and took my dreams. I wanted to question them and demand answers and make them fix what they have done and then I remembered again, it’s not about me. It’s not about what I think has been done to me, I don’t want that life. I don’t want any part of that, I just want to love life and love people. I choose to be happy and I choose to be right. This is my decision and no one gets to make that choice for me.