Make a Choice

                Peace you don’t understand, I always kind of wondered what that meant exactly and now I feel like I know a little better. Every time I get scared, or sad, or worry about something it tends cripple me. I find myself not wanting to get up or leave the house and I always sit there thinking OK you have to do this. You don’t have a choice, but I actually do. I made the choice, good life over a life with regrets. I made the choice to be happy and I made the choice to let God have control so that I really can have a happy life. I was talking with my sister recently and the conversation actually made me think, before I could respond to what she was saying I really had to think about what I believe, not what I have been told. We were talking about how God is in control of everything and yet he gave us free will, meaning we make choices on our own and he doesn't force us. He does not force us to do right or love him and he does not force other people to treat us the right way. God still has all the power and can do whatever he wants but he gave us the choice. He wants us to love him and give him control over our lives because we are not slaves; we are cherished as his children. People will still make decisions and mistakes that affect us, and even hurt us but that does not mean God is not in control. If you have given him control than he has all power in your life by your choice. He could force it, but I don’t think he would, Then its not about love, it’s about an unhealthy fear. In saying that I think that really loving God and having faith in him and having peace all go hand in hand. Now, peace you don’t understand…how can there be a peace that you don’t understand? I think it tends to happen when there is a situation you do not understand. When you are hurting and you don’t understand why, I mean for me the reason I don’t understand the hurt and the fear I have sometimes is because I am not sure how when I love God I can still fear. I should never have to be afraid, I should never have to be depressed and yet there are days when I really do. I have horrible feelings and I get anxiety and I know it’s not right and I know I need to pray and I don’t understand why I have it. I feel like I fail God every single time because I feel like if I love him and if I trust him then I shouldn't have to deal with the negative feelings. Well that’s when peace I don’t understand comes in. Peace in a situation where you don’t know why you are even in the situation. Peace when you should be going crazy and peace even when you feel like a fail as a human being. Its not that the bad feelings go away and stay away it’s the ability to get up and keep going because you know you don’t live by the feelings. It’s the assurance you have that you will always be ok. It’s the fact that you can just say “Jesus” and suddenly you have strength. It’s the fact that when I am alone I can still smile and say “Thank you for this day, thank you for my life.”

                People will tell me how strong I am and I always have this somewhat bitter thought…well I don’t have a choice but once again I do have a choice. I need to stop acting like I live my life because I have to; I live my life because I want to. I live my life because life is a gift. Life is not guaranteed, life is beautiful and it is always worth it to choose life. There were a few times this past weekend where strong was the last thing I wanted to be. Those scared and hurt feelings started and then I started feeling angry and I knew that it wasn't OK; I knew that I was wrong but it felt so serious. I wanted yell at people and hurt people back who have made me feel like I am less or that I wasn't good enough. I wanted to lash out at the person that I feel like took my happiness and took my dreams. I wanted to question them and demand answers and make them fix what they have done and then I remembered again, it’s not about me. It’s not about what I think has been done to me, I don’t want that life. I don’t want any part of that, I just want to love life and love people. I choose to be happy and I choose to be right. This is my decision and no one gets to make that choice for me.