I Don't Want to Forget

            I have been feeling so good lately and having such a good life and although I am sad and I do miss my husband I have started to just live life normally. I am not sure how else to put it, I am back to just living my life and doing things without such an overwhelming fear. Not to say that I don’t have bad days and not to say that there aren’t times where I just want to end life or start it over but mostly I am good. A lot of days I am so busy with life and I have good nights and I just feel like this is my new normal. This is my life right now. I cannot go back to the past and I cannot fast forward to the future and I can’t even think about what could happen in the future…I just live right now. It has been so good and I have plans to go away in a little over a week and I haven’t thought about the bad and the scary in a consistent fashion for quite some time. The biggest problem is realizing this, that I am ok. I really think that I am afraid to be ok without my husband. I am afraid to say that I am happy and smiling while he is not around. I am afraid to admit that there are days where I am so glad that I do not have to talk to him because then for that day I can just ignore what we were and what we had. I am afraid to say that I am moving on because I am concerned that if I say that and acknowledge that then I am saying that I don’t love him anymore. I am afraid that moving on means forgetting and I don’t want to forget him. I am acting like he is dead right? Like I am so panicked to forget the great love of my life, like I lost the one man who understood me and who loved me with all he had. It’s more like I am talking about my hero that died rather than the man that willingly looked at me crying and alone and walked out. Let me clarify, he did not die he is still very much alive. I still have to communicate with him on a weekly basis concerning business we have. The great hero did not die and leave his beautiful bride in a tragic romance. My story is more like…My great hero gave up on himself and decided to walk away from something that should have lasted forever. No matter how it ended I am still afraid to forget the man I married. Not so much the man who walked away but definitely the man I married. The “man” that walked away was no longer the man that I gave my heart to. I had a moment where I was upset because I couldn’t remember certain songs that had been in my wedding. I mean I remember the day collectively but I have forgotten some details and that really scares me. I am afraid to forget one of the happiest days of my life but I am not sure why I am so afraid to forget something that no longer exists. Yesterday I finally realized why I am so afraid to forget the love we had. I was going through my purses and cleaning them out because my best friend wanted to borrow one. I have mild pack rat syndrome and to alleviate that when I switch purses I put some of the stuff I don’t need but I can’t throw away into another purse. I grabbed a bunch of papers out of one purse and found a letter and a card that my husband had given me pre marriage. It was from one of the times that we dated. The time before we got married and at this time we had already dated once and then broken up (his choice again) and then we started dating again. The letter basically was an apology of everything he had put me through because during our time apart he had been through some painful situations and he realized how what he had done to me must have hurt. It was also an acknowledgement of what I was for him, someone who was always on his side always loving him and trusting him no matter what and last but not least it was a declaration of what he wanted to be for me and what he wanted for us in the future. I got to the end of letter and cried. I wasn’t sobbing or hyperventilating. I was not devastated and torn apart all over again. I was sad and I missed that man. I missed the man that wanted the best out of life. I felt a loss for what he wanted to be and to this day has not accomplished. I also felt so relieved. I could finally look at myself and say ‘ yes he did care about you and he did love you, you are not crazy.’ I seriously had gotten to the point where I was thinking maybe I made it all up in my head. Maybe I should have seen the signs and not married him. Maybe I shouldn’t have put my trust in him. Maybe he never really cared and I was just a stop on the way. I was thinking that I must be crazy to think he loved me. I must be so stupid. How could I have possibly thought that this marriage was really what he ever wanted? The letter hurt for a minute but mostly that letter set me free. The letter gave me proof that I didn’t go into this like an idiot. I did it right by loving him and trusting him and hoping for us. I know things ended and not in a good way but I am not a fool. He was not a fool; he did what he wanted to do. He did the right thing when he married me; the marriage is never going to be a mistake. I was so sad thinking that it was a huge mistake but it wasn’t. It was the best thing and the right thing. It was not a lie. I guess I just needed to be reminded of that, and that’s why I am afraid to forget. I don’t want to forget the good because the good was right and the good was the truth. I don’t think that moving on has to mean forgetting although sometimes it will happen. I can still want to have good days and be happy; I don’t want that to change. I already know that with or without him, no matter what happens I want to have love and be happy and share my life with someone. I don’t doubt that it will happen for me, but I also don’t want to completely forget a part of my life that was so good.