I Am a Lover

            I always thought that I was a fighter. I was never sure if it was by nature or by force but I always felt like I had to fight to get what I want. It wasn't like I grew up fighting for my food or for clean clothes… my parents did provide for us and I don’t remember lacking in anything however as I grew older I felt like I fought so much to get where I was, for my marriage, my image, my lifestyle, my job and so on. Then once I had those things it was a fight to keep them. I still fight to keep some of them and yes this is a confession…I sometimes still fight for a marriage that no one else seems to think is a good idea, including the person I married. Somehow it’s not in me to just give up or let go…not on situations or on people. I definitely do not give up on people even when I think I should or when they think I should…I just hate to see people fail. Defeat should not be an option and I feel as though people need help and lots of support to live up to their full potential. I get that it’s a choice and people live the life they think they deserve but I wish they knew what they really deserved and what was available for them. No matter what has happened, what they have done or who they are I know that it can be better. I was thinking about this the other night and it hit me…I am not a fighter, I am a lover and I think that lovers have to be fighters. I think that love is the hardest battle you will ever fight. First of all you have to learn how to love yourself before you can really love someone else and that’s just a crazy amount of fighting because you are usually your biggest enemy. Then once you have reached that point and you begin to love people you realize that loving people is so different from liking people or lusting for people and then it’s a whole new battle to really love people and all of this time you are battling yourself. You are fighting what you thought you knew about life and love and people. You are fighting against what other people have told you love is and what you see in movies or read in books. In the end of all of that you fight an incredible disappointment you have in what love really is. It’s not a feel good emotion, it’s not a party all day long with hearts coming out of your eyes, it is complete care and concern for someone else and sometimes it actually feels horrible. Sometimes what hurts the most is really loving someone because you hurt when they hurt and you hurt when they hurt you, and all of this time that you are fighting you never realize that one of the biggest battle is yet to come. I've actually found that some of these battles you never really over come, or at least I don’t. I think I have something conquered and then I get hurt or I get scared and I want to run away and hide, I forget that it just means I really love them. So every time I get hurt or every time I see a scar I fight that battle again. I fight to learn what true love is. The last battle you learn how to fight is the one where people reject your love, or maybe they reject you and immediately you want to cancel out that love you have for them because suddenly it’s scary or unsure but by now you know that will never happen. If you love them then it’s settled, you can’t “un-love” someone. I have said it before because its true…the kind of care and concern you have for them may change but the love never will, it will just seem like a different kind of love. So you fight that battle, you fight to love people because people don’t think they deserve it. They are ashamed because they can’t give you what you give them. Maybe they don’t really want to or maybe they don’t know how to love you like that but either way they will push the love away or make it seem smaller than it is. It can be really discouraging and it can make loving someone that much harder but if you’re anything like me you wont let it ruin love for you and definitely wont stop loving them. It sounds exhausting, it actually is but it’s so much better to fight for love then to fight just to live. Loving people is the best thing in the world. It makes you a better person and a lot of times it makes them a better person. So maybe I am not really a fighter and I am definitely a lover but one thing I know is that every single day I fight for love. I would say that in the end, at the end of the day I am stronger because I love not because I fight. 

Calling Home

            So today at work we were discussing what happens when you are upset and you call back “home.”  Home in this case is not so much a place but more like a person. For instance when you call your parents or a brother or sister and those are the people that you have a “home” with, a safe place. It is the person that you call when you don’t know what else to do. I have friends that are like this for me too, it doesn't have to be someone related to you it is just that person or group of people that you call family. It is an amazing feeling to have this but there is that one rule…when you call them about something going really right or really wrong then you will cry your eyes out. You could be over the situation completely but as soon as you call home and hear that voice it is like you have never grieved or rejoiced at all. Something about calling home makes everything feel more real. I remember the last time I had to do this and just remembering makes me feel vulnerable. Since then I have called friends and ended up sobbing but it’s not the same. So the last time I called home…

            The night before I found out that my husband had been planning on leaving me. I was all prepared to ignore this and just keep pretending, it’s easier for me to pretend then to deal with life. I was also still thinking that I would wake up one morning and it would be so different. Things would get better and I would wake up from this horrible nightmare and no one would ever have to know how scared I was. Well when I woke up that morning it had not gone away, in fact it had been published to the wonderful world of Facebook. It’s not like I was humiliated or hurt enough now my private life had to be publicized and I had to hear about the morons who actually thought that they had a say in this. I was devastated, I was betrayed and suddenly I was not able to ignore the problem. Not only could I not hide it all but now I could not hide it from my family and I had to call my parents so that they would hear it from me and not from an extended relative. When I remember this I actually feel like human shaming should be allowed and that the person who has wrecked a life should have to stand up in front of the family with a sign that says what they did. It saves those of us reeling from the devastation from having to make some seriously sucky calls.  I remember thinking I would have to call my mom first since she was the one that had the cell phone and then I thought that she would tell my dad and it would be better because even though I would be crying I wouldn't have to deal with telling my dad. When I called she didn't answer and so I left her a voice mail just saying that something had happened and I wanted her to hear it from me. I was still composed at this point (I think now it’s because I thought there was still a chance that this could all go away). When she called me back I got nervous…really nervous but I was ready to get it done. When I answered I heard my dad’s voice. He said “hey Sarah its daddy. I have mom’s phone what’s wrong”? I just started sobbing. I don’t even think that I could answer him, in fact I know I couldn't because my sister in law took the phone from me for a minute. When I stopped sobbing and was just crying I tried to explain to him what was wrong. I remember him asking where I was and telling me he was coming to get me and I remember sobbing again. I remember that as I sobbed it was quiet for a minute and that when he started talking again he was crying too and I remember not really being able to say it but thinking how sorry I was. I know it wasn't my fault but I knew that his heart was breaking because my heart was broken. I will never forget that. I had been hiding some of the issues with my marriage for quite some time now and this just wasn't something that could stay hidden. Telling my dad that my marriage was ending was probably harder than anything else I have ever done. I was never gonna be that girl. I was going to have the kind of life and husband that made him and my mom proud. My parents have had issues over the years, things have gone wrong, our lives have been turned upside down and yet I have never ever seen my mom or dad walk away from each other. No matter what they have always been in it together. I was going to live in that second generation of a marriage that made it through anything. I never imagined making the call to my dad to let him know that it was over. I thought that even when it got bad we were going to come through it and we could tell our parents years later how we had struggled and how we were more in love than ever. I’ll make it clear right now, that should have been the case. It should have turned into that, it didn't and I am learning to be OK with that. If I cannot change it then I cannot and I still have my whole life in front of me waiting to be lived. Having said that I will now say that I know my dad wasn't thinking then that I was a failure but I felt so horrible. I felt like a failure. It didn't have to be my fault; I still didn't want him disappointed. I didn't even want him disappointed in my husband. I also didn't want to break my dad’s heart. He has always wanted nothing but the best for his daughters, his little lambs. I know that life has been tough and sometimes you watch your hero turn human and there are disappointments and regrets but the one thing I know for sure is that my dad would have moved heaven and earth that day to make it all OK for me. When I heard him crying for me I knew he was hurting for me and I don’t think there is any other way to show such love and passion. If your heart breaks for someone then you can be sure that you love them more than anything else in the world. My dad has that kind of love and it grew from him loving my mom to him loving me, my sisters, and my brother to him loving his grand kids. It keeps growing. Calling my mom or my dad is calling home for me. I kind of wondered why calling home is the hardest and I think I know why. You are most afraid to disappoint the people that love you. It is scary to know that someone loves you so much that what hurts you will hurt them but you know they wouldn't have it any other way. You know that no matter how hard it is going to be for you to tell them that you cannot do it without them. Talking about this today is just a huge reminder of the legacy of love that I have been handed. My siblings and I could be any of the things that my parents have struggled with throughout their lives. Whether my parents dealt with it directly or whether their parents dealt with it they say addiction runs through generations. We could be addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling…a lot of horrible things but instead my parents gave us something else. They gave us love, they gave us hope and they gave us life. 

Love

            So it happened…there was one thing that I was waiting on, one thing that I knew could actually break me down. It’s like a ticking time bomb and you just wait it out and hope you come out on the other end without too much damage and yet you wonder at what point is it going to happen and how will you react. I don’t want to go into too much detail about what it is but let’s just call it “The One Thing.” I have known for quite a while now that this was going to happen and I prepared myself the best I could but I knew that when it happened I wouldn't be able to plan my reaction. My reaction would just be whatever it was and I would deal with it at that time. So it happened and my reaction was basically to run. I seriously go everywhere and do everything to not have to think about it. I don’t have to deal with it, it’s not my thing to deal with but at the same time it was going to affect me. I guess I wasn't going to come out of this completely untouched but I didn't want it to leave me with any real damage. I think it did. I think that no matter how hard I tried it did leave a blemish on me. Actually now I know for sure that it did. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that it hadn't really affected me but more likely I was just keeping the break down at bay. Well the break down happened and it happened almost two weeks after “The One Thing” happened. It started off as something else small that went wrong and when I lost it, I knew. It wasn't about that bill not getting paid, it wasn't about tired I was, I mean sure those things all contributed but the real issue was “The One Thing.” I hate it. I hate all of it and this past Thursday as I sat there crying and losing my mind I couldn't even pretend that I didn't feel so alone. I couldn't pretend that I thought it was all going to be OK. I called my best friend and told her she needed to come home and that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't do it alone. I begged her to come home. Thank God for friends that know the truth. Thank God for people who can speak to you and calm your mind and put you back where you need to be. I guess maybe I just needed that. I needed to cry it out and say that I am not OK. I am not happy with the way things are. I know I will be OK but I want to be OK right now. I don’t want it to hurt anymore and I know it hurts because it matters but I don’t want it to. It gets better, I know this from experience but I want it better now. I want to wake up and have all the bad stuff gone. I want to be with a man who loves me and takes care of me. I want to get that nervous excited feeling because we have decided to start trying to have a baby. I want to have that feeling that I miss someone so much and I can’t wait for them to get home. I want all of the things that I am missing out on because of someone else’s foolishness. I want to come home to my own place and have to hurry and clean it up because the in laws are coming over. I want a beautiful life that I share with someone. I should have that. I know it sounds spoiled or crazy but I should have that right now. I should be at work today thinking about what I am making my husband for dinner. Thursday all of these feelings came to a head and erupted into a melt down. It’s been a while since I have indulged myself in one of those but when it came it made up for the months that I have been strong. My best friend was able to calm me down and get me to a better place mentally. Emotionally I was still completely drained. I sat in service with a headache and exhaustion. Friday I got up and went to work but I couldn't help but think about “The One Thing” and randomly get tears in my eyes. Friday night I spent time with another one of my best friends and I had a good time and I felt even better but when I went home it was still there. Saturday I wanted to stay in bed, keep the covers over my head and dream beautiful dreams where life is different. I didn't. I got up and did stuff and that night went out again and had a good time. All throughout the weekend I talked about stuff with various people that know and understand the situation. With each conversation I managed to pull enough strength to keep smiling. I just wanted to know, what is the one thing that is going to completely heal this? I got my answer…

Yesterday at church my sister in law asked me to hold my nephew while she sang in choir. He was all wrapped up like a baby burrito and he was looking at me with his big eyes. I knew he was sleepy and should have been napping because his mom wraps him up like that for naps. I held him close and looked at his perfect face. I couldn't help it I kissed his chubby cheeks about five times. I cuddled him and I just adored him. He did fall asleep all nestled up to me. When the choir was done my sister asked me if I would mind keeping him since he was asleep…would I mind? Never. I had him until the end of the service he stayed asleep content and peaceful in my arms. Every time I looked at his face or felt him breathe there was an incredible healing that happened in me. I love him so much. I love him without expecting anything in return. I love him fully. There is no agenda. It is a completely pure love. That is what can help. That is what can heal. Love can heal so much when you love someone or someone loves you there is so much good that happens. For the first time in three days I finally felt OK. I know that someday when I have someone in my life who loves me, that’s what can heal all the pain. It will take away all of the past and it will make a beautiful life for me, the one I want, and the one I deserve. I know I can’t wait for that to happen for me to happy. I’m not saying that I am not happy now; I am just saying that there are some things that will not be fully healed until then. There have been some things damaged and it will take the love of a good man to heal that completely. It takes love to change a person, to change a world. The thing is that I don’t have that kind of love from someone today but it’s worth waiting for. It’s worth holding on for and meanwhile I have the love from so many friends and that can be enough right now to calm the storm and to make me smile. It’s not the end but it’s a start and I can deal with starting somewhere. “The One Thing” may hurt me now but someday it will just be a piece of my past that is there. It may leave a scar but it won’t leave a wound that can’t be healed. It will be one of those things where I look back and I thank God for taking me out and bringing me so far. 

Wake up Call

            I have been going through life these past few weeks and really just trying to warrior princess through anything uncomfortable and difficult without breaking down. Not because something new and horrible has happened but just because I am finally looking at some things and thinking ‘yes now is the time.’ I would say that deep inside I have been dealing with this for about a month now. In my last post I talk about this and how I am ready for some change and how scary it is and yet how excited I am. I really am excited because I know that no matter what happens in the end it is going to be perfect. I always say that I don’t know what the outcome is going to be or where I am going to end up because I really don’t know. What I want changes so often and the change comes so ferociously that sometimes I am not ready for it. It’s like an out of body experience…kind of like you are watching yourself from some high vantage point and you’re yelling ‘hey you down there stop doing that!’ The thing is, I believe that change is necessary to living and so I am chasing it. I think I have been doing pretty well… yeah I think a lot of things that aren't so true. I will admit that during this past month I have been really happy and really excited and yet there is an underlying panic that settles in when I am alone. There is an overwhelming desire to hide and to just say ‘I quit.’ I just keep doing what I am doing because I have to but I have to wonder why if I am doing something good for me am I so fidgety with nervous excitement? I literally sit at work and jiggle my leg…the whole day. I could blame it on caffeine or lack of sleep or anything but I think…actually I know that it’s something inside of me that is unsettled. Today I realized what that was…I haven’t been praying about anything outside of when I am at church. How sad is that?! I love God and I haven’t lost my faith…this has not been a conscious effort to give up praying, this is just me letting life get in the way. Life is not as good when I am not connected to God. I keep living of course and he keeps loving me and giving me good things but I feel a lack inside of myself. I feel like I am doing it alone and that is where the stress and fear and anxious feelings come from. I think I understand the reason why I haven’t prayed as much and I am ashamed to admit this but, here it is:

            I prayed every day for my husband…every single time I would talk to God the only thing that I would want to talk to him about was my husband. I would start praying for someone else or something else or just try and talk to God and I would the whole time be thinking OK, I want to be done with that now so I can beg God to help my husband. I would just want to close my eyes and cry and tell God how scared I was for him, for us, for his future. Anything else seemed so second place to me. I still did pray for other people, its not like I cut people off or lied and said I would pray about something that I didn't pray for but seriously I would start off praying about my husband, then a break in the middle to pray for him again and then finish off with him. I couldn't get it out of my brain or my heart and I just had to tell God over and over what I wanted to see, what I was hoping for and how I felt. Then slowly life seeped in and I think I started to get…and still am a little bitter. I wouldn't say I was bitter towards God, mostly towards the constant unchanging love I had for my husband. Then I had a realization that yes, I could live without my husband and that turned into me feeling like I didn't want to pray about him anymore. I didn't want to pray for something I wasn't even sure that I wanted anymore. I mean in my heart I still want him OK and to go to heaven but suddenly I wasn't begging God to have him in my life forever. This is my biggest fail yet. Since the need for him to be with me forever was not as constant my prayer for him stopped being constant and slowly trickled down to nothing. I went from daily praying for someone to kind of just wanting the whole issue to disappear.  This really happened in a matter of weeks. I think I became a little angry…OK a lot angry with the situation. I just didn't want to deal with him and the memories and because of that I didn't pray for him. My whole prayer life in the past year revolved around him and so I guess I just stopped praying. I mean yes at church I prayed…like I said this wasn't a conscious effort to not pray, it’s just the way it happened. I wouldn't find time to go somewhere and pray because I didn't feel like talking about my husband or anything to do with him to anyone; I just want to forget it happened. Unfortunately right now that’s just where I am at with that. The thing is, I cannot just be there. I can never be in the place where I am not praying, really praying about everything. I cannot stop telling God that I love him and that I am so thankful for my life. I can’t forget all the good things he has given me and how happy he has kept me even when I felt my lowest. I cannot forget that he still knows my heart and my fears and that he wants to give me all things. I cannot let even the smallest amount of bitterness seep in and take over the unconditional love I have for the man I married. I still don’t want him hurting and going to hell. I want him to go to heaven and although right now I don’t want him as is he, I still love the man I married and I want good things for his life. I don’t know why or how I let this happen, I think that in the process of finding myself and taking steps forward I forgot about the most important thing…souls. His, mine, everyone's. That is the most important thing. Not what they have done to us, for us, or with us but the fact that love is above all else. Loving someone doesn't mean holding there hand while they hurt you it just means wanting them to succeed and I forgot that. I pushed so hard so quickly that I let the hurt be the thing that pushed me forward. I am thankful for the wake up call and the chance to move forward but I want to make sure I am doing it right. I want to move up not down. I want to know what it really means to love someone even when they can’t offer you any part of themselves. I can separate from love “the feeling” and all the pain that is attached and move into love “the action”, the real form of love. I want this for everyone not just for my husband. This is a battle for me, it’s hard to push myself that far away and not let my flesh and feelings get involved but I know one area where I can get help with that. I can pray. I can pray about everything, I know where my help comes from and it is time to start accessing that again.

Moving on to Being Wanted

            Moving on…this phrase seems so ominous; so much of it is unknown. I am not even sure that, that is the phrase I would use to describe what I want now. I just know that as of lately I am done with where I am and what I have allowed so far. I guess “moving forward” has a more positive ring to it. I think in reality what I want, what I have decided that I need is to be wanted. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where I wonder if I am wanted and yet seeing by action that I am not. I shouldn't have to wonder at all, I should know for a fact that if I had been wanted then I would have been kept. So I here I am at another phase of life and I have decided that its time to get up and its time to act on what I want out of the future. I think I have been doing this all along really, maybe in my own way and in my own time but I know that not one day has gone by that I have stayed the same. I know that recently I took a look back and suddenly where I had been and where I am now seemed like miles apart. When I realized this I was not comforted, I was scared. I still am. I am not necessarily fearful and shaking but I am leery…I am cautious. I am stepping out and I am thinking, this may not be exactly what you wanted either. I just know that sitting here hoping to be wanted is not where I want to stay. I have branched out a little, made some new friends, let some new people in to my life, allowed myself to be open and for the first time last night I knew for a fact that I was not the same. My feelings and my opinions have changed and my hopes and dreams aren't far behind that and when I knew this I cried my eyes out. You see there is comfort in knowing for sure what you want and waiting for it but there is a difference in that and being comfortable enough to not let life happen. I was there. I was living but all the while there was a part of me that was dying, there was a part of me that I was keeping secret and safe. The hoping was becoming my deception because what I hoped for I was staying for and you cannot stay the same. Your life will change you and your circumstances will shape you and yes you can choose how they do but not changing, that’s dangerous. So yes, I suddenly realize I had to change, that I had been changing all along and that now my heart and my mind were finally catching up with this and I hated it. I berated myself for the all the statements that I have made that I don’t even know if I agree with anymore. I cried as I felt every dream I kept safe and hidden finally being washed away to make room for new dreams. Part of me does not want the new; I want the old to be OK, to be right. Of course those of you who know me know what I am referring to. My husband, my marriage, the one thing that has stalled me in my life. I don’t know how every single day up until this point I have said ‘I love him and I cannot leave him. I cannot let him do this alone. Do what alone? Leave? Damage himself as well as others? What do I honestly feel like I am leaving him alone to do? Am I leaving him alone to survive? I know he did it to me, I know none of the failure is my fault. I know and yet I have held on with all of my might. I think for a while it was necessary to still feel like I could help him, like I could be there for him. I think it kept me sane for a lot of this past year but then I remember…it has been a year. Nothing is better with us, thing have in a way gotten worse and I feel like part of me has just kept living except this one part. There is this one part that just needed to be where it was at but, no more. This part of me is trying so hard to catch up with the rest of me and just keep moving forward. I hate and I love looking back. I love that there is good behind and there are lessons but I hate that it makes me hurt and it makes me cry. When I look back now at last year all I can see is pain. I have to go further back then a year ago to see happiness and when you can’t even see a good memory in the past year you start to realize that its time. I don’t mean that there are no good memories in any part of my life, I just mean in my marriage. I just mean in the one thing that has been my constant battle. Life in general has been good, life is good but this one thing needs to be done. When you finally take a breath and look someone in the eye and tell that them that you are ready to feel wanted again they’re reactions vary but none of them help or make you feel better. You can go from sympathetic smiles to shouts of victory and you know they mean well but you can’t imagine how they feel happy when you feel so scared. People have literally said ‘oh I am so happy that you’re FINALLY there.’ I kind of nod and smile because I think yeah…thanks, but do they know what they are saying? I am so happy that you’re finally over your husband leaving you and humiliating you? I’m not… or oh I am so happy that you’re finally not in love with that person anymore…I am. I don’t think they know that I am no where near over him I am just getting over just life we had together. I am not ready to marry the first guy that smiles at me. I am just finally ready to be wanted again. I am ready to be worthy to someone. That doesn't mean today or tomorrow it just means that I have learned that you can want and feel like you need someone and that someone can not need or want you at all. They can live without you no matter how many tears and prayers have gone out on their behalf. I have learned that, I may have even accepted that. It doesn't make the love go away but it puts the love in perspective and it lets you take that step. The moving forward really hurts; it causes some confusion such as…how can I move without my everything? He was my everything. And then you remember that in the past year you have gotten up every single day and handled life without your “everything.” At one time he was everything I wanted but I was not everything he wanted. That needs to be mutual. The love is not lost it is just different now because I am different now. I can’t say that there will not be times of hope, that I won’t sometimes feel the loss and beg God for another miracle. I cannot even say that I am not still praying for a miracle every single day but I can say that no matter where I go from here, I am going completely. I am moving forward in every single way and I moving on to being wanted. 

I don't Know

            I wore make-up to work today, I never do that. I had a rough night last night and I wasn't even awake. I know that sounds crazy but somehow in my sleep last night I kind of lost it. It was so bad that I woke myself up this morning because I was sobbing..in my sleep, because of my dream but it transferred into a physical reality. I woke and had tears in my eyes felt like I had been awake and crying all night. When I woke up I just stayed in bed thinking ‘OK you’re awake now. This dream cannot hurt you, it wasn't real, that didn't happen.’ The problem is the situation in the dream is going to happen. It will be a reality for me, I am going to have to deal with it and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and wish somehow it would all go away. What scared me the most when I finally woke up was how badly I reacted to the situation in my dream. Some things you just cannot prepare yourself for and this is one of those things. Now I’m scared…what if that’s how it really goes down? Wonder if I lose it and spend days and days of my life sobbing and crying and undoing all the careful planning and work I have put into protecting my heart and my mind. Wonder if I don’t handle this as well as I thought I was going to? Wonder if I am not OK after this? In my dream I felt completely betrayed by people that I know love me and that I know are on my side. I knew they weren't trying to hurt me and that what they did was not wrong on their part but it felt like I wasn't considered at all in the situation. The feeling and the problem was mine and I am worried that I may feel that way in real life. Needless to say I didn't wake up and then breathe a sigh of relief, I woke up with puffy red eyes from crying in my sleep and then cried some more. One more time I begged God to please make it all go away…literally all of it. The other kicker was that in my dream my older sister was here and she was taking care of me and making sure that I was OK. She sat by me while I was crying my eyes out. In real life when this happens she won’t be here. She is thousands of miles away. That reminder made me cry even more because a lot of times she has been the one who forces me to be strong, to go out, and to not wallow. It brought me to another thought; I don’t know if what I thought I wanted is really what I want. I have spent the past year of my life praying for a miracle, a specific miracle and now after all of that time I don’t know if that’s what I want. I mean I do, but what I want comes with all kinds of conditions like, I only want it if this happens or if it’s not this way and so on and so forth. I mean I know a miracle is all encompassing but wonder if its not the way I want it? Wonder if yeah, I get what I wanted but it comes at a high price that I am too tired and too worn out to pay? Its just one of those days, I have a lot of questions and I am exhausted. I hope this passes and that tomorrow I wake up knowing exactly what I want again and I go after that. I hate the not knowing and the seeming confusion. It just feels so wrong; it feels like I am fighting a battle that I shouldn't even be fighting. This is my life; this is what I have been living with and its one of those things that I hide away. Its going to get harder to hide, soon its going to be something that I am facing head on and the biggest fear is that I don’t know how I am going to get through it. I have gotten through so much in my life in this past year and I have made it, I have really made it. Now here comes something else, a different thing but still stemming from the same situation and I am just sick and tired of it. I think what I really want is to be done; I just want to be done with it all. I want to walk away and never look back. I just know that when I walk away I will lose something and in this moment right now I think I am OK with that but when I wake up tomorrow I may not feel the same. I may wake up fine and ready to fight for that again. You see for me staying in this is costing me but walking away will cost me too. For now I will keep living in hope, hope for the future, hope for a better tomorrow. I don’t know if it will come from walking away or from sitting this out and waiting but whatever way it goes I am going to need the strength to do it. 

You Get Better

            Something happens that breaks your heart and its something that you think you will never get through or get over. It’s something that haunts you day and night, in your dreams, while you are at work, in the store, everywhere and every second. Sometimes the days after it happens are actually harder and it’s not like within the first week you will start to feel better. Depending on the kind of heart break you may not even feel better in the first few months but someday you will wake up and realize that you can breathe a little easier and suddenly you start to understand that you will get better.

            One night you will go to bed and be crying your eyes out and begging God for a miracle and you will cry so hard that you will wake up with a sore throat and eyes that are swollen shut and as you look at yourself even though you look like you just battled your way through hell you remember that the tears you cried last night were the first ones in a couple of days and although it still hurts you begin to notice that you are getting better.

            There will be a time when you are looking in the mirror and you will be thinking how beautiful you are and how whole you are and you will feel invincible and it will feel like freedom but just as quickly you will be reminded of why this is a new feeling. You will be reminded that something hurt you and took away your confidence and for a moment you will get tears in your eyes and suck in your breath so you don’t cry and when that feeling of hurt passes you can go back to knowing you are complete and you have worth. Even though there was a moment of fear you will know for sure that just thinking about how beautiful you are is proof that you are getting better.

            There will be things that you ignore and that you lock up carefully somewhere deep inside so that they can no longer hurt you and yet at times people will say or do something that is a reminder of what you have hidden away. In that moment there will be a panic unlike any other because you are being reminded of something that you put away so you wouldn't have to deal with it and now its in your face and you still don’t think you can deal with it. Its sitting right there like some kind of gift from the pits of hell and the fear you feel is real. In that moment you will remember that the secret things that break your heart do not change the truth. The truth is that God holds you and he knows what is hidden and he is still taking care of that and he is still in control. When you have remembered this and the panic subsides you can know that having that assurance means that you are getting better.

            Sometimes you will be hanging out with friends and you will be laughing and smiling and living, really living and because of that and because you are getting better you start to feel guilty. It makes you sick to your stomach to know that something that changed your life and broke your heart was so far back in your mind that you were actually OK. That’s actually more scary than the thought of never being OK again…I don’t know why but I understand that. I also know that when it happens it is OK, it’s OK to feel what you are feeling but just remember that it means every single day you are getting better.

            Some days you will feel like you don’t want to get better and that getting better means forgetting and forgetting is scary so you sit in a dark room and finally let yourself feel all of the negative things. The thoughts that you have when it’s quite and your brain is not in a million other directions and you know that’s unhealthy and you know that this is something that could send you over the edge but you just want to feel pain again. You want to feel it again so you can remind yourself that something important that you loved was ripped away from you. You don’t ever want to forget how important it was. Its not what you should be doing but its what you want to  do and no one else has to get that, no one else has to understand but something you should know is that you are getting better. You will find other, less harmful ways to feel and remember but it takes time to sort it out. It takes time to understand that something important that you loved was at one time the best thing in your life and there are good memories and you can use those to feel and remember. The bad can be put away forever. When you finally reach this point it will be so clear that you are getting better.

            The thing about getting better is that it happens… it doesn't happen in a way where you are suddenly better. It is gradual, it is slow and it is really painful but it does happen. You will learn that other people can help you and sometimes with words or hugs there is a temporary feeling of you being OK, but you don’t have a cheerleader squad on your side 24/7 and sometimes you are going to hit a low. When you hit those lows you almost feel the need to be alone and so in truth sometimes you are the one who makes you better. You have to learn how to handle this and it takes some time but you really do learn. And even though this feels like an impossibility one day you will realize that every breath, every tear cried, every scream of frustration, every high and every low is just a road to you getting better. 

My Fight

I know lately that a lot of my posts have been about fighting…fighting to do better and fighting to be better and fighting for the people you love and I guess that’s just because that’s where I am at in my life. The one thing I have realized is that even people who are not doing what’s right are fighting too. They are fighting a downhill battle and it seems easier but it’s still a fight and the end result is hell…forever. I think a lot about people and why they do what they do and I don’t have nay answers and I probably never will but there is something that I know for sure, we are all fighting a fight and there can only be one side that is victorious. God made people to love him and to serve him and when we do that we are doing what is right and we will conquer in the end and that is why I keep fighting every single day. I fight for what is right. I fight to be more than what I was and I fight to go further than where I was. This is the right fight and because of this I have God on my side and I know I win. I fight to keep being right and I conquer every single day but if it’s true that this is the way God made me then I have to think when someone is doing what is wrong it must be a battle. If God created you to be something that you are not being then you are fighting a bigger battle and the end result of that is burning in hell forever. I recently questioned someone and asked them why if you are going to fight anyways would you pick the wrong fight. I am fighting to be who God made me and I know that when I win I get to be in heaven forever. People fighting against what God wants are basically fighting their way to hell and I have to wonder how that makes sense. The only logical answer that I could come up with was that fighting a downhill battle is a lot easier than fighting an uphill battle. I don’t doubt that and I get that people tend to live in the moment and yes in the moment fighting a downhill battle seems so much easier but I cant get past what the end of that battle will be. Eternity is…well its is forever and to have a temporarily harder battle to be somewhere good forever makes more sense to me than a temporarily easy battle to be tormented forever.

            Now I would have to say that I recently realized what my biggest fight is. I fight against being the person that society says I should be. I fight against being a society stereotype and most of the time I barely know how to fight that. I am 26 years old and already have a failed marriage, eviction, horrible debt, etc going against me. I don’t have any kids and have never even been pregnant and it seems like there is no end in sight to the dilemmas of life. I don’t want to be that girl. The way I fight against this is a lot of times by hiding. I don’t want to see people that I used to know that doesn't already know what has happened in my life in the past year because I don’t want to have to once again acknowledge the damage. I fight against being the damaged person, the one who can never trust or love again, and the one that ends up single with cats. I fight against confirming the damage that every single day tries to attach itself to me. I fight to be happy and I fight to feel alive and some days this is easy and some days this is the hardest fight to get through. I love going to bed and closing my eyes and having the dreams that make me happy, but I hate waking up and remembering those dreams. Those same happy dreams make reality seem so broken. I have that person in my life that I miss and I want to talk to and I want to see every single day but then when I do I am exhausted just from their very existence and I fight against putting up walls to block feelings. I fight against putting up walls to block people and their opinions. I don’t really have to fight to not sin, I have seen what sin does first hand and I don’t want that in my life. My fight is just to not be what people expect me to be and just be who I should be. 

Keep Fighting

            I had a dream a while ago, probably about six months ago, and it was a dream that I will never forget. I dream all the time and vividly! I remember the most insignificant details about my dreams; I am a dreamer…literally. I never put much stock into my dreams. I attribute a lot of the craziness to the fact that I eat an unreal amount of junk and then go straight to bed. This dream however was in a completely different category. This dream happened a little while after I moved into my new home without my husband. In short the dream involved me and a friend and then our husbands. In my dream my friend and I were together and we were headed out to meet our husbands somewhere and as we were getting into the car I was aware of an evil demonic presence. This demon was on top of my car and trying to get into my car. I remember my friend on the passenger side with her door closed and I was yelling for her to get her phone and call her husband because this demon was going to kill us and then go after our husbands. I was trying to slam my door shut but the demon stuck its claws into the door and was stopping it from shutting all of the way. I remember being more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life and it wasn't for me and it wasn't for my friend. I was afraid for our husbands because I knew in my dream that the demon needed to kill us before it could get to our husbands and that if we were out of the way it would have an easy access. I remember looking over at my friend as I slammed the door again and again just hoping it would close and she was trying to call her husband. I remember this feeling of despair as I realized it was too late and that we were going to die. Then I turned back to my door and this female demonic spirit was leaning over my car and staring into my window. I can’t explain to you how I knew it was a female or how I knew it really just wanted our husbands but I knew that my death wouldn't be the victory for this creature, it would just be small step towards getting to the real victims. The last thing I remember about the dream is seeing that evil face leering at me. Then I woke up. I was scared out of my mind in my dream but what was worse is that when I woke up the feeling did not leave and I could feel something holding on even while I was awake. I remember laying there with my heart pounding afraid to look around my room and afraid to see anything that was trying to attack me. Finally I just whispered or maybe whimpered “Jesus”. That was it but I knew it was more than enough. Suddenly the paralyzing fear was gone and I was able to sit up in my bed and know that nothing could harm me, that even in a dream I couldn't be defeated. I started praying for all of us who had been in the dream because I fully believe that there had been attempt of an attack on all of us. I know that looking at my life in the past year and seeing how my marriage has ended in every way except legally you would think that whatever the attack was in my dream had happened in real life but that’s not true. The reason I know this is because I was already separated from my husband. Once it has happened it cannot happen again so I was not fighting for that in my dream. This was on a whole other level. Also my friend and her husband are doing awesome and they are expecting their first child in a month. So if they were in my dream because they were fighting a similar fight then they won that. Also I am not defeated, I am stronger than ever. I could not be killed in my dream or in real life so there is no way that this evil spirit got past me. I know that I am undefeated and that I have all power and there is no way there was a victory for the demon that night. I’m not crazy and I do not believe in the boogey man or zombies or anything like that but I do believe in spirits and I know for a fact that there are evil spirits that attach themselves to people. The one thing that this evil spirit didn't count on was the greater spirit that I have. I have the Holy Ghost and absolutely nothing evil can touch me. The reason that I have been thinking about this dream today is because this was a fight in the spiritual and the church is fighting every single day and we are winning. I start to feel so exhausted at times and do not want to fight anymore. I get so caught up in everything else in life and I start battling people. Then that the fight becomes more than I can handle. The thing is…I want to fight. There are people that I love so much that are spiritually dying and I don’t want to sit back and watch that happen. I don’t want to be fighting the wrong fight and end up watching everyone I love die in the process. I don’t want anyone going to hell. That goes for people I know, people I don’t know, people that feel like they don’t deserve it, everyone! I mean I am fighting my own fight and you cannot really fight someone else’s fight but you can pray. You can start loosing things and setting people free. Obviously I am speaking about the church, the people with the power. We tend to make statements, even in innocence and then think that they have no repercussions. They do. If we have the power to bind things or loose things I don’t want to say that anyone is going to hell, or that they can never change. I don’t want to be binding them up in chains when I could be claiming their salvation and loosing them to be free and have an amazing life. I want to fight the real fight, the spiritual fight and just love people. I want the kind of love for everyone that can set them free. I don’t want to be in control of them or feel like I have to save them on my own, but I want to be fight off any evil thing binding them. I don’t want to be weary or exhausted in this, I want to excel and be what I am supposed to be. When I think about that dream I think about the fact that in those very moments there was a fight happening. I may have been asleep but there was fight anyways. I don’t even want to be unprepared; I want to do what I have to do to be ready. The thing is…the battle is already won. I am already victorious, I win! I want to live like I win. I want to warrior through this with the knowledge that this is a done deal. I don’t have to be afraid. I don’t want anyone who has the power that I have to be afraid. You are not doing something that will not be victorious. You are winning every single day. Say that prayer for someone you love or better yet for someone you can’t stand. Speak the truth and stand up for what is right. Don’t lose hope. Fight the fight! We will come, we will fight, and we will conquer!

Just a thought

            I don’t get the women that say they don’t want a man to take care of them. I know from personal experience that this is not necessary, but to say that you don’t want that, makes you broken. I get the being broken part, I really do. It’s what I strive every single day not to be. I don’t want to be a broken and bitter mess and when I find myself falling into that I cringe. There is nothing more unattractive on a woman than the sick idea that she doesn’t need anyone in her life, that she doesn’t need help and that she doesn’t need the love of a man. I see a lot of women act like that and say that they don’t need someone to take care of them and guess what? I don’t often see those women in a relationship or at least a very happy one. If you have been hurt and betrayed it is so much easier to just look at life and think you’re better off on your own and doing it all yourself. That’s not the way that it should be. I have been “doing it alone” for almost a year now and I am exhausted and worn out every single day of my life. I want for someone to take care of me, I know I can do it myself, I have been proving that for the past year. I do not want to do it alone. I want help and I want someone to love me, and trust me, and be my best friend. The absence of that has been the worst part of the separation from my husband. For those of you married and in a good relationship, you know that feeling you get when you have been home alone or with the kids all day and then your husband walks in and just his presence alone makes you feel better? I miss that. I am a scaredy cat and being home alone at night just sucks. My imagination is super over active and I pretty much imagine myself being killed in my bed at least once a night. I never had those issues lying next to my husband…not ever. I hate horror movies, I don’t like aliens, ghosts, zombies, vampires, spiders, snakes…the list goes on. If I watch something remotely scary I have to follow it up with a kid’s movie or show just to fall asleep. I literally just put Sabrina the Teenage Witch on my hulu instant queue as a fall back for when I see something that makes me nervous. I didn’t have that problem with a man in my bed. In my household my husband was the physical strength, he liked and I liked it. I didn’t feel the need to emasculate him and make him feel like I was just as strong as he was. In the event of a zombie apocalypse I was completely safe ;) I built him up and confirmed his masculinity. I want someone who can fight for me and for our family if necessary. I want someone who can protect my home. I want someone who when they walk in I don’t think, yeah I could have handled this all on my own. I honestly think that women who set themselves up to be super independent and just as strong as any man have set themselves up for a disappointing life. I don’t think women should be uneducated and not able to work or vote or have a brain…this isn’t a third world country. I don’t even think that a woman shouldn’t know how to change a tire or hang a picture, but I think that there needs to be a balance between necessity and throwing away your femininity. Sure learn how to change that tire in case of an emergency but seriously don’t push a man away if he is willing to do it for you. It is in a man’s (a real man) make- up to provide care and protection. It is in a woman’s (a real woman) make- up to allow and accept that. My biggest fear for my life is that I would be too busy trying to do everything on my own that I don’t allow room for a man, that I will be 40 and too tough. I do what I have to do to live but as soon as my hero is ready to fly in rescue me, I will be ready and waiting. 

To the Husbands of the Good Wives

Dear Husbands,

                This is what we want you to know and sometimes cannot voice to you or, we cannot find the words to say to tell you because when we do it comes out sounding ridiculous or silly.

                First of all we love you; we love you more than we have ever loved anyone else. We love being with you all of the time and although “girl’s night” is fun we spend the whole night thinking about you and we are excited to get home and see you. We don’t really get what you mean when you say time apart is good because we do not feel that way. We don’t think you are a bad husband when you say you need to get out with the guys but it hurts a little when you act like you need time away from us. We make a big deal about things like that not because we think every time you go out you are lying to us but we make a big deal about it because it feels like rejection even when it isn’t. We said yes to marrying you because we loved being with you and we think time with you makes us better and makes our life amazing.

                We love doing things for you. We have a lot going on when we get married to you because we have to take on things that before us your mother did or sometimes you did yourself but not as well as we do it. So basically we take over being your mom in the way where we make sure you have clean clothes and a clean home and food to eat. Not only do we take over that but we also take on being your best friend and your lover. When you get sick we want to be the ones that nurse you back to health. We do make fun of you for the way a cold will keep you bed ridden for days at a time but that’s just a front. We love playing “nurse” for you. We hate that when you are sick sometimes your mom still tries to come take care of you. We feel like she is overstepping her boundaries and we want her gone. No, not dead but out of state or something. No, you are no longer her baby, you are our husband and we don’t call her to come clean the bathroom or cook your meals so we most certainly don’t want her help when you have the sniffles. We would rather be stressed out and moody than admit that we are having trouble keeping up with everything. We want to do it all and be it all for you and we wouldn’t change this for the world but it can be overwhelming. We want everything to be perfect for you and when its not we tend to lash out…at you. I know its crazy and you won’t get it but when something goes wrong and we feel like we have let you down we get really frustrated with everything. Sorry this probably won’t ever change just like your reaction to it probably won’t change.

                If we argue, no matter how big or small we want to make up in a big way. It has to be completely clear in our minds that the argument is over and that you like us again. We don’t need the silent treatment to know we were being a brat…we usually know while we are doing it. If the argument is your fault we do want an apology but mostly we just want to be happy and feel like you love us. Seriously, most of our bratty moods come from our insecurities.

                When you asked us to marry you, you gave us a gift. Yes the ring, and yes we care about the ring but not so much the size just that you gave us the best that you could because we are worth it. The best gift was the worth that you gave us, you set us apart and that meant more to us than anything. You gave us a confidence that only betrayal from you could shake. We felt like the luckiest girl in the world that day and we still do. Sometimes we wake up in the middle of the night and we see you next to us and we just smile. We feel like the chosen one…mostly because we are. The saying that a happy girl is the prettiest kind of girl is so true! When we feel loved and safe our whole personality is better and when we feel good we want to look good.

                We really do think you are the best looking guy in the world. We know you have seen better looking people than us and we know you are aware that we have seen better looking people but to us you are it. There is no one else in the world that can compare to you because Adam Levine has not loved us and taken care of us like you have. We are not as physically oriented as you are so yes, we are attracted to the man who takes care of us. You are our hero every single day. We will make comments about other guys to get back at you for talking about other girls but it’s not serious it is just retaliation. We are jealous (if there is a woman who says she isn’t she is lying and she is not a good wife). We are not jealous in the way where we think you even have a chance with Adriana Lima or Megan Fox but we are jealous in the way where we can’t airbrush our bodies for you and we like to eat. Once again we know that you being attracted to other people doesn’t make you a bad husband at all but we are still going to secretly (or not so secretly) hate that other girl. We feel less pretty when compared to others even if we know we are better looking.

                If you betray us or walk away from us you may as well have told us we are worthless. You have taken away something amazing and beautiful and we know it will get better but we don’t ever feel like we will be the same. Just because you may have decided that you didn’t love us doesn’t mean our love for you was able to disappear. We still have the same love and care for you and it’s haunting. If you don’t walk away but you have betrayed us and want to work things out with us it’s basically starting over. No, we don’t trust you anymore but we love you and we want to build that trust back up again. We know we can’t keep bringing the past up because or relationship is new but we have moments where the memory of your betrayal takes our breath away and we don’t know what to do. Give us time and don’t yell at us for being upset. Understand that if we didn’t want things to work out we wouldn’t be here trying but also realize that it’s going to take time and effort on your part and if we aren’t worth that then don’t come back.

                When we first get married and you get sick it scares us. We feel like you may die and since you act like you are going to die its easier for us to get worked up over. I guess we know a cold isn’t going to kill you but at the same time you are our hero and seeing you weak and sickly makes us worry. Sometimes we put on a brave face when we are handing you your Nyquil and then we get all teary eyed when we walk out of the room. It doesn’t help our mental state that we stayed up all night making sure you were sleeping and not dead. We know it’s crazy and uncalled for to be that worried but we love you and we don’t want anything bad to happen to you.

                We believe in you more than anyone else ever has. We may disagree with you about things but we think you can do anything. You are our husband and we seriously adore you.

                                                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                                                           The Good Wives

I Don't Want to Forget

            I have been feeling so good lately and having such a good life and although I am sad and I do miss my husband I have started to just live life normally. I am not sure how else to put it, I am back to just living my life and doing things without such an overwhelming fear. Not to say that I don’t have bad days and not to say that there aren’t times where I just want to end life or start it over but mostly I am good. A lot of days I am so busy with life and I have good nights and I just feel like this is my new normal. This is my life right now. I cannot go back to the past and I cannot fast forward to the future and I can’t even think about what could happen in the future…I just live right now. It has been so good and I have plans to go away in a little over a week and I haven’t thought about the bad and the scary in a consistent fashion for quite some time. The biggest problem is realizing this, that I am ok. I really think that I am afraid to be ok without my husband. I am afraid to say that I am happy and smiling while he is not around. I am afraid to admit that there are days where I am so glad that I do not have to talk to him because then for that day I can just ignore what we were and what we had. I am afraid to say that I am moving on because I am concerned that if I say that and acknowledge that then I am saying that I don’t love him anymore. I am afraid that moving on means forgetting and I don’t want to forget him. I am acting like he is dead right? Like I am so panicked to forget the great love of my life, like I lost the one man who understood me and who loved me with all he had. It’s more like I am talking about my hero that died rather than the man that willingly looked at me crying and alone and walked out. Let me clarify, he did not die he is still very much alive. I still have to communicate with him on a weekly basis concerning business we have. The great hero did not die and leave his beautiful bride in a tragic romance. My story is more like…My great hero gave up on himself and decided to walk away from something that should have lasted forever. No matter how it ended I am still afraid to forget the man I married. Not so much the man who walked away but definitely the man I married. The “man” that walked away was no longer the man that I gave my heart to. I had a moment where I was upset because I couldn’t remember certain songs that had been in my wedding. I mean I remember the day collectively but I have forgotten some details and that really scares me. I am afraid to forget one of the happiest days of my life but I am not sure why I am so afraid to forget something that no longer exists. Yesterday I finally realized why I am so afraid to forget the love we had. I was going through my purses and cleaning them out because my best friend wanted to borrow one. I have mild pack rat syndrome and to alleviate that when I switch purses I put some of the stuff I don’t need but I can’t throw away into another purse. I grabbed a bunch of papers out of one purse and found a letter and a card that my husband had given me pre marriage. It was from one of the times that we dated. The time before we got married and at this time we had already dated once and then broken up (his choice again) and then we started dating again. The letter basically was an apology of everything he had put me through because during our time apart he had been through some painful situations and he realized how what he had done to me must have hurt. It was also an acknowledgement of what I was for him, someone who was always on his side always loving him and trusting him no matter what and last but not least it was a declaration of what he wanted to be for me and what he wanted for us in the future. I got to the end of letter and cried. I wasn’t sobbing or hyperventilating. I was not devastated and torn apart all over again. I was sad and I missed that man. I missed the man that wanted the best out of life. I felt a loss for what he wanted to be and to this day has not accomplished. I also felt so relieved. I could finally look at myself and say ‘ yes he did care about you and he did love you, you are not crazy.’ I seriously had gotten to the point where I was thinking maybe I made it all up in my head. Maybe I should have seen the signs and not married him. Maybe I shouldn’t have put my trust in him. Maybe he never really cared and I was just a stop on the way. I was thinking that I must be crazy to think he loved me. I must be so stupid. How could I have possibly thought that this marriage was really what he ever wanted? The letter hurt for a minute but mostly that letter set me free. The letter gave me proof that I didn’t go into this like an idiot. I did it right by loving him and trusting him and hoping for us. I know things ended and not in a good way but I am not a fool. He was not a fool; he did what he wanted to do. He did the right thing when he married me; the marriage is never going to be a mistake. I was so sad thinking that it was a huge mistake but it wasn’t. It was the best thing and the right thing. It was not a lie. I guess I just needed to be reminded of that, and that’s why I am afraid to forget. I don’t want to forget the good because the good was right and the good was the truth. I don’t think that moving on has to mean forgetting although sometimes it will happen. I can still want to have good days and be happy; I don’t want that to change. I already know that with or without him, no matter what happens I want to have love and be happy and share my life with someone. I don’t doubt that it will happen for me, but I also don’t want to completely forget a part of my life that was so good. 

Another Day in My Life

            On Monday afternoon I got home from work and cleaned my bathroom and bedroom (these rooms were becoming hazardous) and then decided I would lay on my bed until I had to get up and get ready for church. Every time I leave work I feel exhausted and always think OK nap time! Well since I had been moving around right when I got home I actually managed to boost my energy and so when I finally got on my bed the desire to nap was gone. Sometimes I try and force myself to nap because I know that there will be a day when I really need one and I wont have the time and then I will regret all the days that I could have napped and didn't  The whole forcing thing was a fail! first I tried to get all cozy and wrapped up to make myself feel nice and calm and ready for sleep, instead I got hot and sweaty and irritated. Then I just sat there staring at the ceiling and willing myself to fall asleep, no good. That’s when I made a fat girl decision…get up and bake cookies! Yeah there was no get up and work out girl! By the way on a side note the whole working out and eating better thing has just been non existent in my life and I intend to walk tonight to get back into the groove and I also ate tuna on crackers (triscuits) for lunch. I wouldn't say I am back into it full throttle but I’m slowly climbing onto the healthy band wagon again. So, like I was saying it was not like ‘hey fatty lets go walk’ it was like ‘hey cutie go make some yummy cookies to keep on your curves’ LOL. I had this super simple recipe for Coffee Cake cookies and so I decided to that but the recipe called for a roll of pre-made sugar cookie dough, even I didn't have that on hand. I love to bake and I am good at it so I thought no biggy I will just make sugar cookie dough and do it that way and then the cookies will be even better! I found an easy sugar cookie dough recipe…thank you Google and went to the cupboard to get out all my ingredients. OK so not only did I not have the pre-made dough but I didn't have all of the ingredients I needed to make the dough and even worse I didn't really have any food. You would think that, that knowledge right there would have deterred my baking demons but no, instead of thinking ‘hey run to the store and get some real food and eat dinner.’ I thought ‘hey run to the store and get that roll of cookie dough’! Well I wasn't fully dressed and my hair was in a super messy (not in the cute way) bun and I just looked a mess. OK so I admit it, my lazy girl was just ruling my life that day and so I just decided that I would put a skirt on and a hoodie and some flip flops and the hair could stay as was because I was just gonna run into CVS and get the few things I needed. No one who goes there or works there would care and it was an in and out job. CVS let me down in a big way that night, CVS never lets me down! I stood there in the aisle contemplating my entire life as I realized they didn't have really anything that I needed. I wanted to complain to someone who would understand but my appearance stopped me from making eye contact with anyone to see if they would be able to relate. Yes, I wanted someone to relate to the lazy, messy cookie monster that I had become. I literally sulked my entire way out of CVS and decided I would go to Wegmans. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I mean when I say I had on a hoodie and skirt and flip flops you can imagine a cute outfit and messy buns aren't always that bad but this was not “cute girl grunge” this was more like “don’t leave your house because people with think you’re a crystal meth user grunge.” this was not a night for making good decisions and luckily for me I had to go to church so I didn't make any decisions that would be life shaming. I did however feel like it was appropriate to go into Wegmans looking like trash. I mean some people do it...ya know flannel pajama pants and an over sized t-shirt, I am not kidding when I say I would have looked better in that than what I had on. I flip flopped my way into Wegmans, nearly killing myself because it had been raining and Old Navy’s flip flops are not safe when soaked! I nearly broke my ankle slipping around like five times from the parking lot to the life saving carpets in the entrance. OMG I was not even walking with Grace and Dignity. Such a mess!! I did a decent job of getting what I needed and getting to the checkout and that’s when I realized, some really cute guys work at Wegmans. Some really cute guys who work at Wegmans now know what I look like when I am not trying and that right there hurts me in the worst way. I get into line and look up and momentarily forget that I am Cinderella before the fairy God Mother and drug rehab and think Ooooh he is such a cutie. He wasn't even a cutie in the ‘I am 16 and this is my first job’ kind of way so there was no guilt when my heart started beating all irregularly. I was all smiley and sweet and then I take a step forward and my darn slippery flip flops quickly brought me back to reality. It was too late to back down now but wow, I must have looked like a fool. I am acting like I just spent hours getting cute and realistically he is probably thinking wow, I should be nice to her so she doesn't do anything weird. I am sure the “cute” smile on my face made me look like a crazed stalker. I walked out of Wegmans with a wisdom that I never needed so much and that is this…do NOT ever go into Wegmans without looking good. The workers there are cute, the customers there are cute, and you will see people you know almost every time. Take those five minutes to find a cute and comfy outfit, do something semi decent with your hair or better yet only go when you have already been somewhere that you needed to look cute for. I usually go after church so this is not an issue I generally have but now I am aware and I want to make all of you aware. There should be a book on Wegman’s awareness and the first topic should be how to dress when you visit Wegmans. I guess maybe this would be a good practice for life no matter where you go. I am not over the top and I don’t think heels are necessary or even appropriate for a park but there is a standard of decency that should be in all of us. I apparently need to practice this more than I thought. I do wonder, if my flip flops had the diamond studs on the straps would this have helped my case at all…?

Time Will Not Stop

                I have realized that if there is one thing in life that breaks my heart the most it is the realization that time does not stop and wait for people and even if we do, life continues and time keeps on moving. Why does this break my heart? Because sometimes I am afraid that people are waiting too long to do what they should have done long before and eventually your life ends and sometimes people never make it to the place where they are what they should be and should have been all along. It breaks my heart because people I care about so much are in the process of ruining their lives and at any second it can just end. How many wake up calls and failures does it take for people to realize that this is not a game? I don’t get angry, I get sad. I am worried for them and I want them to be all better. My heart doesn't break that you have made a mistake or that while ruining your life you have hurt other people that love you so much, it breaks my heart that someday your life may end and when it ends you will not have become better, you have not been all that you should be. I am not kidding when I say that I wish I could pause time and let all of my friends and family get to a good place and then continue with them, always moving forward and none of us moving backward. I love people, I love people a lot! I want everyone to be ok and not just ok but happy and having a really good life. Once I invest in you I never want to see you hurt or scared or alone and what hurts me most is that sometimes people let themselves do that over and over. It’s like I can see them drowning but they don’t want help and so you walk away but you never forget the feeling of watching them fail. You can walk away from someone and not look back, you can move on with your life and you will because like I said time continues but that doesn't mean that you forget the way it looked to watch them waste their life. I will never forget that. I will never forget what it is like. To walk away does not mean to forget, to walk away means to not keep looking in that direction. Time continues and your life flies by and one day you wake up and realize that over six months have passed and you are better and you are alive and then you remember that not everyone walked out of this better. Someone stayed behind. If you are anything like me then that’s when your heart breaks all over again. You don’t like to watch someone fail; you don’t like to remember that they are ruining so many good things for themselves and for other people. I just want time to stop until they can get their crap together. Time does not stop. I mean I guess if it did it would be a horrible feeling for you. You would be stuck in that place of pain and fear just waiting for someone else and that’s not a good way to live, but watching time move on and their life waste away doesn't always seem like a better option. I know what the right thing to do is; I know that making sure I am where I should be takes precedence over putting you’re my life on hold. I know that being happy and living life is important and so I do what I have to do to make sure that’s where I am, but there are times when I am thinking about someone I left behind and it breaks my heart. There are moments where I am really sad knowing that not everyone I love is ok. I know I am right and I know I am ok, but sometimes knowing that is just a reminder that not everyone is and that sucks. 

Make a Choice

                Peace you don’t understand, I always kind of wondered what that meant exactly and now I feel like I know a little better. Every time I get scared, or sad, or worry about something it tends cripple me. I find myself not wanting to get up or leave the house and I always sit there thinking OK you have to do this. You don’t have a choice, but I actually do. I made the choice, good life over a life with regrets. I made the choice to be happy and I made the choice to let God have control so that I really can have a happy life. I was talking with my sister recently and the conversation actually made me think, before I could respond to what she was saying I really had to think about what I believe, not what I have been told. We were talking about how God is in control of everything and yet he gave us free will, meaning we make choices on our own and he doesn't force us. He does not force us to do right or love him and he does not force other people to treat us the right way. God still has all the power and can do whatever he wants but he gave us the choice. He wants us to love him and give him control over our lives because we are not slaves; we are cherished as his children. People will still make decisions and mistakes that affect us, and even hurt us but that does not mean God is not in control. If you have given him control than he has all power in your life by your choice. He could force it, but I don’t think he would, Then its not about love, it’s about an unhealthy fear. In saying that I think that really loving God and having faith in him and having peace all go hand in hand. Now, peace you don’t understand…how can there be a peace that you don’t understand? I think it tends to happen when there is a situation you do not understand. When you are hurting and you don’t understand why, I mean for me the reason I don’t understand the hurt and the fear I have sometimes is because I am not sure how when I love God I can still fear. I should never have to be afraid, I should never have to be depressed and yet there are days when I really do. I have horrible feelings and I get anxiety and I know it’s not right and I know I need to pray and I don’t understand why I have it. I feel like I fail God every single time because I feel like if I love him and if I trust him then I shouldn't have to deal with the negative feelings. Well that’s when peace I don’t understand comes in. Peace in a situation where you don’t know why you are even in the situation. Peace when you should be going crazy and peace even when you feel like a fail as a human being. Its not that the bad feelings go away and stay away it’s the ability to get up and keep going because you know you don’t live by the feelings. It’s the assurance you have that you will always be ok. It’s the fact that you can just say “Jesus” and suddenly you have strength. It’s the fact that when I am alone I can still smile and say “Thank you for this day, thank you for my life.”

                People will tell me how strong I am and I always have this somewhat bitter thought…well I don’t have a choice but once again I do have a choice. I need to stop acting like I live my life because I have to; I live my life because I want to. I live my life because life is a gift. Life is not guaranteed, life is beautiful and it is always worth it to choose life. There were a few times this past weekend where strong was the last thing I wanted to be. Those scared and hurt feelings started and then I started feeling angry and I knew that it wasn't OK; I knew that I was wrong but it felt so serious. I wanted yell at people and hurt people back who have made me feel like I am less or that I wasn't good enough. I wanted to lash out at the person that I feel like took my happiness and took my dreams. I wanted to question them and demand answers and make them fix what they have done and then I remembered again, it’s not about me. It’s not about what I think has been done to me, I don’t want that life. I don’t want any part of that, I just want to love life and love people. I choose to be happy and I choose to be right. This is my decision and no one gets to make that choice for me. 

Just So You Know

Just so you know…

1. I think Batman is the best super hero and has the best movies. I mean think about it, he really doesn't have any super powers but he still kicks butt with all of his awesome gadgets. He has a lot of money and fame and although this is similar to Iron Man, what girl really likes a guy with a glowing chest?? Not me. Batman also has some of the coolest villains and his car…I love his car.
2. I was born and raised in home with two apostolic parents and grew up in the church knowing right from wrong and all about what we believe but it wasn't until the past couple of years that I can actually say that I really knew what was right or wrong for me. I can understand why growing up apostolic can almost be crippling because so many people never get their own walk.
3. I am in a much better mood when I go to bed at night than when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes the best part of my day is when I can get into bed and finally relax. The only downside is if I am not really tired because that’s when my brain is going crazy.
4. When I feel pretty I will take hundreds of pictures of myself and then only keep maybe two or three because I hate the rest.
5. When my husband first left I would sleep on his side of the bed because it made me feel more safe and OK.  Even though I don’t sleep in the same bed I still find myself gravitating toward that side of the bed because it’s a comfort thing for me.
6. I still have “sheepie” my blanket from when I was a baby and no, I do not sleep with it but I cannot bring myself to throw it out.
7. Sometimes when I am throwing a fit or being a brat I know exactly what I am doing and I still don’t make an effort to stop because sometimes I feel justified. It’s only later when I am thinking back that I really wish I had a better handle on that.
8. I can be pretty loud but I have learned by being around people like me, that loud and abrasive is not the way I want to be. I don’t think that fits in so well with being a lady and being classy and it even makes me uncomfortable when I am around women who are loud and obnoxious because I feel like it reflects badly on me.
9. I think its annoying when people are upset over the loss of animals whether it be a pet or not. I am not for animal cruelty in any way at all but animals and humans are NOT equal at all and it bothers me when people act like they are.
10. I love S’mores and s’more flavored things almost more than any other flavor because chocolate and Marshmallow are amazing. I probably gained most of my weight eating s’more pop tarts all of the time♥
11. I am not as excited to hang out with my friends if I know there is not going to be food involved. Even with eating healthier and losing weight I still like to eat when I socialize.
12.  I think being girly comes with the territory and I don’t think being girly means you need to be weak. It means that being strong doesn't mean that you need to look or act like a man and that liking pink hand guns is OK!  I think you should have the option to bedazzle everything and not get made fun of because a bedazzled pocket knife still has a blade 
13. I think that being a wife and/ or a mom is the most fulfilling kind of thing you can ever do as a woman.
14. I hate the idea of being fat or overweight but I cannot wait to have a baby bump and see how awesome it is to carry my baby and watch it grow before it is even born. If that is considered being overweight then I will take it!
15. The thought of living in the country or in a less populated area scares me more than the thought of living in the inner city.
16. Not all babies are cute and a lot of them are plain hideous but what matters more than their looks is their disposition. The ugliest baby can seem a lot cuter if they are happy babies.
17. If there is a mentally handicapped child/ young adult in a movie, no matter what the plot is, I will probably cry because I love them so much.
18. I do want to fall deeply in love with someone and have them love me back and be so happy in love but, I still can’t imagine falling in love again. I just hope that it does happen because it’s the best feeling in the world.
19. I love my younger sister and the scariest thought was that she looked up to me so much and watched everything I did because I feel like I have made so many mistakes. Every time I talk to her I try to make sure she know what was and wasn't OK.
20. Everyday when I wake up I want to try to be better than I was the day before in every single way.

You Will Judge Me Now...but read on!

For the past few days I have been having the most scandalous thought, which of course I just had to share. Let me just say a head of time that I know I am wrong and no, I would never do this but I have days where it seems like a simple solution to a complicated life. The thought is this: I see the benefit to having a “baby daddy.” A no strings attached sperm donor, someone to give me the beautiful babies that I want without having to take care of a grown adult too. See, I told you… scandalous! I am even scandalized at myself for having this thought and it makes me feel really evil and a lot trashy. Like I said I would never really want this in the end and, I would never even think to do this in real life, just in my head sometimes when I am planning my life I think yeah this is a good way to get what I want without getting what I don’t want. The thing is, even typing the words “baby daddy” made me cringe. I actually heard someone use that term in an interview and I was thinking ‘ok if this person gets hired then I am quitting’! It is such a trashy and ghetto term that people use to describe the father of their children and the worst part of it is that a lot of times this “baby daddy” is still their significant other. So I guess if you are trashy enough and have kids with this guy then the word boyfriend or fiancé doesn’t cut it. I mean I guess if you are not with the father then the term kind of works except for the fact that a) it is not a grammatically correct term and b) it is sooooo ghetto. I mean just be like “yes I am dropping Junior off with his father,” not “I am taking junior to my baby daddy.” Uggh see how much more class you can bring to a pretty classless situation by just changing the way you say it? I feel the same way about “baby mama” but as I am female, I don’t need one of those. For the sake of this post I used the term baby daddy at first as a humorous introduction, more to make fun of the situation then to actually describe what I want. This is why I feel like a lot of days I can see the benefit to the afore mentioned position. This is entirely my crazy feelings and in no way something I think people should actually go off of but here goes:

I have already been the wife who cared for a husband who had the idea that she would have a family and that it would be her and her husband starting that family. No one else mattered and no other plans were made for the “just in cases.” My marriage as it was and as it is right now has definitely matured me and has helped me to grow as a person and I feel like I am still at a point as far as maturity where becoming a mother is the next logical step. This dream however is temporarily (or not so temporarily) out of my reach. I am in no way ready to love someone like I loved my husband and if its not a love like that then I am not doing it. I know love grows and I know it can happen and that it probably will happen but I am just not there yet, believe me. I know myself. I sometimes put myself in that frame of mind where I am like ‘someday you’re going to have an awesome husband and beautiful babies and life is going to be everything you imagined it would be.’ It doesn’t make me happy or ready for the future yet. It doesn’t make me want to start planning a second wedding or start dating some guy. It doesn’t make me feel comforted, it scares me and makes me panic! I have gone that route mentally and ended up in tears on my couch or in bed for hours. I do however think to myself quite often ‘I want a baby’ and no, it’s not ideal but I feel like I could do it alone if I have to. I would rather do that than go through a whole relationship again. Well obviously I cannot do “it” alone so I would need a guy for his uh…product LOL. I did the whole cleaning up after my husband and taking care of him and washing his underwear and that was all well and good because he was my love but I am NOT doing that for another guy just so I can have a baby that I also have to clean up after. I am not ready (I say ready and not that I am never because I know this will change when it needs to) to go through a relationship where I date someone and get engaged and deal with a wedding. That is some stressful and not always fun business and doing it once was so cool but doing it again seems exhausting! I am not ready to learn to live with someone and their habits and have them learn to love me for all of my faults. I would still at this time be constantly comparing him and our life to the life I had before and that is not fair to him or to me. So yes I want a beautiful baby, I have names picked out and bedroom themes and cute clothes that they will wear. I even have a baby bib so that my baby can fully rep the football team that I follow, this is the football team I became a fan of because of my current husband. That’s not gonna work in a new relationship and let me tell you something that bib was not cheap and needs to be used! So yeah the solution to all of this is a “baby daddy.” Of course he would have to be amazing looking, I do have standards for what I want my babies to look like haha. Like I said at the start this would never happen in real life and even in my head it is scandalous but now you see my point…sometimes this seems like a brilliant plan! Double points if he has money and can make you a stay at home mom ;) I will say that I have considered my other options and there was adoption. This one is a NO right away. It is so costly and time consuming that I could get remarried and have my own kids with that kind of money and time. The second option was kidnapping and although it is free, it is also frowned upon in polite society ;-P

I am pretty certain that if you follow this blog and you don’t judge me yet, you do now! You don’t have to keep reading if you don’t want to but I promise not all of my posts are going to be so anti- everything I believe. This post was just a little description of what happens in my brain at times when I get really bad baby fever. To keep things kosher for all you crazies reading this blog I will state rather firmly that the only way I will start a family is the way God intended it to be. I will have a husband and my kiddos will have both of their parents in one household and be raised to know and revere the sanctity of marriage and family. As far off as it seems at times I would never want to screw up a child’s life and stability by doing this any other way. I was raised in home with two great parents who loved each other very much and that has been my rock no matter what I go through in my own life. I know what a good family looks like and that’s the only way my future family will happen. For now I will be content with all of my nieces and nephews and loving on them♥