Yesterday I was feeling like I could not get out of a funk and thankfully one of my friends e-mailed me and reminded me that I only had to take one step at a time and that I did not have to take a giant leap even. Just one foot in front of the other and not to even think about the step after that. Some people say to take it one breath at a time and that sounds good to me too.
It has been quite a while since I have had the time to sit down and write a blog and although nothing major has changed in my life I feel about 100 years older. Sometimes I feel as if so much is happening to the people all around e whether good or bad and I am somehow involved a little bit in each situation. I have friends that are about to give birth or just found out that they are pregnant. I have friends that have had major battles in their jobs, marriages, etc. I have family members that are getting married or dropping their husbands off for basic training and then I have my own personal situations happening everyday. Lately my emotional state has been a roller coaster. Saturday I woke up loving life and feeling so much energy and peace. it was a beautiful sunny day and everything seemed to be looking up. By 12:30AM on Sunday morning I was ready to check myself in at the psych ward. I sent numerous psychotic texts to my husband before falling asleep (yes he was out which started the texts so I blame him on that one). Sunday i woke up thinking that everything was ok and that I had just been overtired from the night before. By sunday evening I wanted to move back home. Sunday night I sobbed for about 30 minutes over something that most people would shake their heads at. When I fell asleep that night I had horrible dreams about my husband leaving me. Monday I was exhausted and grumpy at work but happy to be there and not be stuck at home with nothing but my thoughts. I came home from work and managed to throw some comfy pants on before crawling unde the covers and praying to God that I could sleep until my life changed durastically. I fell asleep for about two hours which was not all together planned. Yes I did want to ignore life but I didn't plan on falling into a deep sleep and I did not plan on being knocked out utnil 7:15pm. I woke up for some reason and realized I needed to get my butt up and moving. I did the up and moving thing long enough to pick up the kitchen and make a grilled cheese sandwich then I went to the couch. It was then that I noticed that my pants were inside out, my hair wast sticking out all over the place and my eyes had that puffy I just woke up look. It had been a nap not a full nights sleep and I still looked a hot mess. It was then for the first time that I thanked God Mark was not home from work yet. Seeing me like that in the mornings is inevitablem, seeing me like that at 7pm on monday might be detrimental to the relationship. Today has been good. I do not feel like life is going to get me and I am in love with my husband ( I always love him but I do not know if I am always in love with him) and I got to eat an awesome lucnh thanks to my awesome job. I still ahve that overly tired feeling that has been around for most of the past two weeks but tonight I am not going to crawl into my bed at 5 and want to die. I am going to see my favorite sister in law and my little nephew and maybe take a walk. My mind is screaming at me to go home and take a nap but I do not want to be home all night alone and my husband has stuff going on tonight. My first step was getting up this morning and my next step was getting to work and handling things here. I am not thinking too much about the steps after that because I am not there yet. Not to say that I dont have some plans but I do not have them mapped out step by step. I want to get through one thing at a time and if at some point I feel like running or leaping instead of just stepping then I will but that is not the case right now. Right now I am taking it one step at a time :)
