So today at
work we were discussing what happens when you are upset and you call back “home.” Home in this case is not so much a place but
more like a person. For instance when you call your parents or a brother or
sister and those are the people that you have a “home” with, a safe place. It
is the person that you call when you don’t know what else to do. I have friends
that are like this for me too, it doesn't have to be someone related to you it
is just that person or group of people that you call family. It is an amazing
feeling to have this but there is that one rule…when you call them about
something going really right or really wrong then you will cry your eyes out.
You could be over the situation completely but as soon as you call home and
hear that voice it is like you have never grieved or rejoiced at all. Something
about calling home makes everything feel more real. I remember the last time I had
to do this and just remembering makes me feel vulnerable. Since then I have
called friends and ended up sobbing but it’s not the same. So the last time I called
home…
The night
before I found out that my husband had been planning on leaving me. I was all
prepared to ignore this and just keep pretending, it’s easier for me to pretend
then to deal with life. I was also still thinking that I would wake up one
morning and it would be so different. Things would get better and I would wake
up from this horrible nightmare and no one would ever have to know how scared I
was. Well when I woke up that morning it had not gone away, in fact it had been
published to the wonderful world of Facebook. It’s not like I was humiliated or
hurt enough now my private life had to be publicized and I had to hear about
the morons who actually thought that they had a say in this. I was devastated, I
was betrayed and suddenly I was not able to ignore the problem. Not only could I
not hide it all but now I could not hide it from my family and I had to call my
parents so that they would hear it from me and not from an extended relative. When
I remember this I actually feel like human shaming should be allowed and that
the person who has wrecked a life should have to stand up in front of the
family with a sign that says what they did. It saves those of us reeling from
the devastation from having to make some seriously sucky calls. I remember thinking I would have to call my
mom first since she was the one that had the cell phone and then I thought that
she would tell my dad and it would be better because even though I would be
crying I wouldn't have to deal with telling my dad. When I called she didn't answer
and so I left her a voice mail just saying that something had happened and I wanted
her to hear it from me. I was still composed at this point (I think now it’s
because I thought there was still a chance that this could all go away). When she
called me back I got nervous…really nervous but I was ready to get it done. When
I answered I heard my dad’s voice. He said “hey Sarah its daddy. I have mom’s
phone what’s wrong”? I just started sobbing. I don’t even think that I could
answer him, in fact I know I couldn't because my sister in law took the phone
from me for a minute. When I stopped sobbing and was just crying I tried to
explain to him what was wrong. I remember him asking where I was and telling me
he was coming to get me and I remember sobbing again. I remember that as I sobbed
it was quiet for a minute and that when he started talking again he was crying
too and I remember not really being able to say it but thinking how sorry I was.
I know it wasn't my fault but I knew that his heart was breaking because my
heart was broken. I will never forget that. I had been hiding some of the
issues with my marriage for quite some time now and this just wasn't something
that could stay hidden. Telling my dad that my marriage was ending was probably
harder than anything else I have ever done. I was never gonna be that girl. I was
going to have the kind of life and husband that made him and my mom proud. My parents
have had issues over the years, things have gone wrong, our lives have been
turned upside down and yet I have never ever seen my mom or dad walk away from
each other. No matter what they have always been in it together. I was going to
live in that second generation of a marriage that made it through anything. I never
imagined making the call to my dad to let him know that it was over. I thought
that even when it got bad we were going to come through it and we could tell
our parents years later how we had struggled and how we were more in love than
ever. I’ll make it clear right now, that should have been the case. It should
have turned into that, it didn't and I am learning to be OK with that. If I cannot
change it then I cannot and I still have my whole life in front of me waiting
to be lived. Having said that I will now say that I know my dad wasn't thinking
then that I was a failure but I felt so horrible. I felt like a failure. It didn't
have to be my fault; I still didn't want him disappointed. I didn't even want
him disappointed in my husband. I also didn't want to break my dad’s heart. He has
always wanted nothing but the best for his daughters, his little lambs. I know
that life has been tough and sometimes you watch your hero turn human and there
are disappointments and regrets but the one thing I know for sure is that my
dad would have moved heaven and earth that day to make it all OK for me. When I
heard him crying for me I knew he was hurting for me and I don’t think there is
any other way to show such love and passion. If your heart breaks for someone
then you can be sure that you love them more than anything else in the world.
My dad has that kind of love and it grew from him loving my mom to him loving
me, my sisters, and my brother to him loving his grand kids. It keeps growing. Calling
my mom or my dad is calling home for me. I kind of wondered why calling home is
the hardest and I think I know why. You are most afraid to disappoint the
people that love you. It is scary to know that someone loves you so much that
what hurts you will hurt them but you know they wouldn't have it any other way.
You know that no matter how hard it is going to be for you to tell them that
you cannot do it without them. Talking about this today is just a huge reminder
of the legacy of love that I have been handed. My siblings and I could be any of
the things that my parents have struggled with throughout their lives. Whether my
parents dealt with it directly or whether their parents dealt with it they say
addiction runs through generations. We could be addicted to drugs, alcohol,
gambling…a lot of horrible things but instead my parents gave us something else.
They gave us love, they gave us hope and they gave us life.
