I was, I am, I will be

                        Last night I was so home sick. It hit me out of no where as I was lying in bed. My day was good, really good in fact and I was all motivated and ready to go. I am getting myself psyched to lose weight (More on that in a bit) and I was feeling so good and positive about getting healthy and happy. I spent some time walking in a nature park and it was beautiful and nice and I felt good. I cleaned up my house a little bit and went tanning and painted my nails and just did stuff that was “me stuff”. I love doing things that make me feel well groomed and fresh. I took a nice shower and just relaxed after watching my favorite shows. I even got into bed thinking wow I should sleep good! No, not at all, suddenly this overwhelming, suffocating feeling came out of the blue. I have no idea what triggered this because like I said…it was a good day. For the first time in months I felt like I needed to go home and by home I mean the apartment my husband and I shared for almost two years. The funny thing was that I didn't want to go there thinking that maybe he would be there and for the first few minutes last night it really didn't have anything to do with him, I just wanted to be where my home was. I know that where I live now is a good situation, it’s a safe place and I still believe that. I still remember that there were a good two months in my apartment where things were not good and I didn't feel super happy or comfortable with what was happening. I didn't forget all of that last night but I did want to go home to my bed and my couches and my things all around me. I miss having my place and knowing that its mine and that it looks good because I put the effort into it. I loved coming home and taking acre of my things and knowing exactly where stuff was. I loved that it was a home that started from scratch and I made it my own, or rather our own. I guess a lot of it was home because he was there and we made it together. Last night I didn't even care if he was there or not I just wanted to be there and I was lying in a bed that’s not really mine, in a room that’s not really mine, in a house that’s not mine at all. I know I can feel at home and do as I please and I love that and most days I can ignore the fact that I had a whole other life where I was on my own and I had my own things but last night I cried. I didn't even try to stop myself from letting the tears fall. I had no idea where the feeling came from and I didn't have time to prepare myself for the tears so I just cried. I thought about all the good things I have now and how blessed I am yet I still cried. I tried to tell myself how negative it would be to be back in the home that we had built together all alone and still I cried. I tried to remind myself that when I was there alone for that month that I would lay in my room and listen for Mark’s car to see if maybe he was coming back and that without thinking I would probably do that again. So then with all of those thoughts in my head I cried harder and I was like wow…time to stop. There is no way I can go back home, that place will never ever be home again. We made sure of that with an eviction and even if we hadn't that place could never be a home for me again. There would be too much, I mean I am moving forward with my life and what am I supposed to do? Should I go back to that exact apartment and take the furniture I have and try to set it up in the same exact way as before? Should I pretend that life isn’t 100% different now and that I can go back to what it was? I mean I can never go back to that and it made me so sad. I miss being the lady of my home. I miss being a wife in every way and not just in the legal sense and for a little while last night I wanted to go back to the place where I felt like I mattered. I finally fell asleep last night and I when I woke up this morning I felt better and not so devastated. Like I said I am not sure where it all came from last night but I think sometimes I will have relapses and I am not going to let it hurt me or get to me. I will just deal with it in that moment and move on.

            I am currently on my four billionth attempt to lose weight. I have started this and not followed through time and time again but now I really wanna get this done and I have some goals in sight. I have done this before and lost some weight and toned up and that is all well and good but the last time I did this was like a year ago and I didn't lose enough to make what I have gained in the past six months ok at all. Most people in crisis mode lose weight…not me. I think my friends were all so worried that I would stop eating that they over compensated and took me out for more food than one human could possibly need. I was constantly being asked if I was eating so I slammed pizza and garbage plates and ice cream like a champ to prove that I was just fine. Call it part of my faking it until I make it scheme however; I faked it so good that I gained a good 20 pounds and I am disgusted. I am dropping these twenty plus another ten at least and then I will see how it feels. On top of losing the weight I want to tone. I want to be able to rock a bikini…at a mall…in December and have people thinking “WOW.” Haha I know that seems ludicrous but I don’t care that is my goal. I will never be a tiny, skinny girl because I am not built like that but I can be a pretty, and fit girl. I can be healthier and put away some of the sugar. That is what I want to do and since I have nothing holding me back except my own discipline issues, I am going to drop some weight. I have already started by being more active this week and although today would be my first full day of eating better consciously I already feel like its all gonna be ok. I refuse to cut anything in particular out of my diet as far as sugars, carbs, and sodium but I can cut down on all of that in a huge way and up my intake of irons and proteins and vitamins. The biggest challenge for me is going to be mental. I know the minute I have a bad day and that cake is sitting there I am going to want to eat it, no not a slice, yes the whole thing. My first step will be to get an temptations out of my house so that way if I do have some candy or cake it will only be when I am out and as a special treat. I know I can do this and I do not need anyone else cheering me on because I am the only who sees me naked right now. So I do have some goals and I want to accomplish them 

            I will be ok. Every day I am getting better and better and even when things happen that should set me back I am so far from where I was that I can handle them way better. I am able to love simple things again and find the silliest things amusing or funny. For instance…teddy grahams. Has anyone else ever realized that these delicious little cookies have belly buttons??? That’s freaking adorable and I love it. I will be writing more light hearted posts. It is summer and it feels like a fresh start and I am ready to be funny again. I am sure I have had and will have many adventures to write about and you know me, a trip to Wegmans can be an adventure ;) 

Break My Heart

                Having your heart broken has always been looked at like a bad thing, a horrible thing, something you should run from. Coming from a girl who has had her heart broken over and over again I want to put heart break in a more positive light. Imagine that you are in a marriage, a friendship, dating someone, have a child, really any kind of relationship and that the person you are in the relationship with does something that can hurt you. If your heart did not break then it is safe to say that you did not even love that person. What kind of relationship would that be if you did not give your everything and someone could walk away or do something hurtful and you would just feel normal. It would be a disaster. It would be a sham of a relationship, something fake and something you were probably better off never being involved in. Now because I doubt anyone is really in this category no matter how much you fake it, take a look at the times that your heart has been truly broken. Is your heart broken because you are worried for you? Is the pain you feel all for yourself? Does it get hard for you to breathe because you think that somehow now your life is over? No, no matter how much it does hurt you and how much your life will be changed you are not as sad for you as you are for the person that broke your heart. If your heart is not involved then it cannot be broken however if your heart is involved then it’s not involved to better yourself. What I have learned is that having a broken heart means that you have experienced love that will never fail. It means that the person you love so much is living below the standard of what you know they can live. It means that you care about them so much and want so much more for them and when you watch them hurt themselves it breaks your heart. When your heart breaks it breaks for someone else not for you. Think about it this way, you loved them so much and believed in them so much and that is never wrong. We all want someone who believes in us and believes that we can be everything we should be and I am certain that at one point we have all fallen short of that and hurt someone, maybe even broken their heart, but if we could break their heart and if they could keep believing that we are so much more than what we have allowed ourselves to live in then it would give us the strength and the courage to become everything we should be. If we did not break hearts or if people did not break our hearts then that would mean there was no belief that we could have been better or there would be no hope that the person who hurt us could be what they were made to be and that would be a sad life to live. I may be reiterating here however the point I am trying to make is that when someone breaks your heart and does something that hurts you because you know it’s hurting them then there is so much hope. They have a future! They have a chance to be everything that God wants them to be because at one time that person was someone you believed in so much and that person had the potential to be your hero or your greatest love. You still have that hope for them and that’s what they need, that’s what we need. God believes every single day that when we wake up we are going to make the right decisions and live the way he intended us to live. I have said it in my blog before, if he believes that I want to believe what he believes about people. I would rather have someone break my heart for the rest of my life and know that because they could break my heart that I believed in them and that they had a chance every day to wake up and do what is right. I would say break my heart over and over and let me take it. God is on my side and I will never be defeated. People are not trying to hurt me and when they do it is because I love them so much and I want so much more for them. Please break my heart so that you have a chance to come back or to start living the right way. If you can break my heart then that means I will fight for you. It means that you are worth something to me and everyone, absolutely everyone has worth and value and should be fought for. Next time someone breaks your heart don’t run and hide from that. Be willing to fight for them and pray for them so that they have the chance to make it. 

Should I break? What am I fighting for?

The first thing on my mind is this: Very recently a situation came up in my life and for all of the things that I have been dealing with that I thought I never would, this is the only one I knew I would never be able to change. This is the one thing that I figured I would never be able to handle…and yet somehow I did. I shouldn't say somehow, I know exactly how I made it through. God. That is it that is the only answer I have for all of life’s issues and questions, God does it all and he does it perfectly. Through this situation I have had peace and I have been able to keep my head up and I definitely learned again that when I love someone no matter what kind of relationship it is, I will always fight for them. I was discussing some things with my older sister and she said to me “you’re wondering how long you can go before you break.” Immediately I brushed it off and I said I am not made to break I am made to fight, but what she said hit home with me. Am I really not made to break? I mean I would never call myself delicate or fragile but doesn't everything have a breaking point? I don’t know if what I said to her is true at all. Am I not made to break or am I too afraid of what will happen if I do break. I am afraid to break because there are already so many broken people in my life. I feel the need to be strong for them and to be there for them. I feel like if I do break then they do not have a fighting chance. If they cannot fight for themselves then who else is going to? I want to fight for them. I want to bust the gates of hell wide open and take these people out. For that reason alone I am afraid to fall completely apart or completely break down. I shouldn't be so afraid that I put up a shield that nothing can penetrate. I should be able to feel, no not live by the feelings but I should still be able to feel. I don’t ever want to become numb. There is nothing worse than being an empty shell with nothing left and sometimes you have to be broken open so that things can be changed. No, I do not think that I am made to break when things in life happen. I do not have to fall apart every time the wind blows but how far am I taking this before its too far? There is one way we are most definitely supposed to be broken and that is before God. Do I get to the point that I am so afraid to break that I don’t even let God in to fix what needs to be fixed? I don’t want to do that anymore. Because I want to be strong there will be times that it requires me being broken. Because I know that God is in control and my life is his then there will be times that I will have to be broken so that I can give him that complete control.

The second thing that I have been thinking about is this: What am I fighting for and I am fighting for the right things. There is something right now that I am fighting for and no, not punching people in the throats kind of fighting. I am fighting for my life and for other people’s lives and I am doing it by prayer and by living in truth. Through all of this I have thought am I crazy? Should I even be fighting at this point? What are people going to think when they find out? What should I prepare myself for in this long battle? I have so many unanswered questions about this and I do not want to make a mistake and battle for something not worth fighting for. I would say right now that I am fighting for people’s lives because I care more about them then maybe they care about themselves. People are always worth you fighting for. Standing by someone you care about is always going to be worth it. Loving someone is never wrong. There are wrong ways to go about it and there are things that change the dynamics of love but love is never wrong. Fighting to make sure other people have the best life and sacrificing your own comfort to stand by someone’s side is what love is all about. I completely understand that we have always looked at life where there is a certain point where you have to walk away and you have to take care of you and you have to respect yourself and I agree to a point. Like I said the dynamics of love can change and what sacrifices you make for someone can change but the love itself should never change. I disagree that true love for someone ever goes away, it never does. You may learn how to better represent that love depending on the nature of that particular relationship but no, it never goes away. What I am fighting for is right and how I choose to fight for it shouldn't be dependent on how others feel about it. No one is worthless, no one should be left behind, no one is unimportant, and no one should ever be rejected. Are you afraid to be used? Why? Why can’t someone use you if you love them? Why not be completely and utterly used to better someone else’s life? To show them what real love is? What do you have to do with your love that is better than that? Why do you have love or even life if you are not willing to give it all completely away? You cannot hoard love. You cannot save your own life? This is not a video game where the person with the most life left wins. Let it go, give yourself to something worth having. 

Unapologetic

       Today's post like many of my posts lately is on the subject of my husband. I write this knowing that this may be one of the last posts I write where he can just be my husband, not my ex husband. This evening I have something on my mind that I cannot get away from. This is something that has bothered me for quite a while. I am tired of feeling guilty for loving my husband. I have never loved anyone like I love him and at this point in time I cannot imagine loving someone else like I love him. I do not want my marriage to end and it breaks my heart every single day that this is the way it is going. I am sad that when we talk details it will be about our divorce and not about the plans for our future together. I am devastated that he no longer wants to be in my life. I miss him. I miss the way he would sing songs in the car and how he would do dorky dances and then look at me to make sure I saw him. I am hurt when I think about my future children and I can't say with 100% certainty that he will be their father. I do not think that this is wrong or that it is a bad thing. I think that this is right and it should be that way when you marry someone but somehow I am left feeling guilty for this. I should not have to apologize for the fact that I love him completely. I am sick that I lay awake so much of the time at night trying to convince myself that I am over him. I hate that when I have good dreams about him, I wake up sad. Why should I feel bad for loving the man that I committed my life to? People, without meaning to, make me feel guilty for caring about him. I get it, really I do because before I was in this situation I did the same thing to other people. I know that they do it out of love for me. I know that they don't want me hurting anymore, I know that they believe that I am so much more and that I deserve so much more and I am thankful for their belief in me. I appreciate that someone loves me and cares about me so much that it hurts them to see me hurt but let's face it, I have never been more hurt in my entire life. This is no where near being over. I lost the love of my life because of his choice. That makes me feel like crap. I know that people think it is time for me to put on my big girl pants and get this done. I know that they would have done this so differently and they do not understand what I do. People act like I should know what to do and just get it done. I want to scream at them "This is already happening! My marriage is ending. Isn't that enough for you? Am I not moving the divorce along fast enough for you? Have you stopped living your life waiting for me to make the next move on my life? On top of being broken hearted should I also be bitter and angry and mean to the man I love? Should I have a lawyer in my corner trying to get him for every penny he has"? I do not say these things because I know this is not really what they mean. Instead I see my list of people that I talk to openly getting smaller and smaller. I just get exhausted because I am already fighting this battle and I already know what he did to me. When I say something about him I do not need his list of sins brought up and along with that a lecture on what I should do about it. I should not have to apologize for the fact that when I planned my wedding I did not plan my divorce. When I was so busy picking out colors and wedding favors I didn't even stop to think what I would do if my husband ever walked out. When I was standing at the altar committing my life to him I meant forever and I did not have a backup plan for what would happen if the marriage ended. I refuse to be sorry for that. If you ever start to plan a wedding and you are planning the end of that marriage then do NOT get married. That is such a disgusting way to look at marriage. I no longer want to talk to someone and get the look when I say my husband's name. He is a real part of my life and he was a big part of my life and he has been for years. That is not going away anytime soon. If you hate him or feel angry at him then you do it all on your own, do not drag me down with you. I am living my life the way I feel is right and whatever happens in my future is ok. I am not there yet. I do not know what is going to happen. Once again, I make no promises to anyone about my plans for this. I cannot even make promises to myself, I break them every day. I will do what I need to do, but I will not give you time limits or say what it is exactly that needs to happen. I will no longer feel guilty for loving my husband. My love for him is what has given me the strength to get through what I have been through. My love for him is what keeps me fighting for him and being on his side even when he has rejected me. Divorce or not this man will always be worth fighting for to me. I will always want him to have a good life and I will always be on his team. That is what love is...it is not given because it is deserved, it is given as a gift from someone who is selfless. It is given in life as a necessity to keep living.

No God, not that Miracle!

Author’s Note: I had this entire post almost written out last night on my phone and then out of no where it completely erased. I think this was a good thing although I was super irritated in the moment.  I had written out something that I thought was awesome and it expressed how I was feeling exactly. The only problem was that last night I was feeling so sad, so lonely, and so exhausted. I cried the entire time that I was writing the post. I think that my emotion allows me to be a better writer however with what I wanted to blog about I need to get emotion out of the way and let truth be the foundation of this post. So today I am starting over, not to say that this subject will not cause some kind of emotion for me but today I can write with a clear mind.

             There was a time about eight or so months ago where I knew my relationship was failing and I did not want it to. I still do not and I never will but at that point I thought I still had a chance to fight for it. I thought we could get through a rough patch and be able to come out stronger. I thought that I could help that process by changing who I was and how I reacted to life. The kind of changing that took place was actually something that caused me to go with compromise over conviction. Slowly but steadily I allowed things into my home that I would have never thought I would be dealing with. I would not say that I was living in sin but I was definitely living with sin and it took a toll on me. I hated what I saw going on but I pretended that it was ok because I didn't want to fight and I didn't want to be looked at like a nag. The whole feeling in my home was just the feeling of a broken home. I still believed that something good could happen and something could be changed so I did the only thing I knew I could do. I prayed, I prayed for a miracle. I would pray constantly for a miracle to take place in my home, in my relationship, and in my life. At one point I was so tired of fighting alone and I had my best friend come over and pray in the apartment with me. We prayed against sin and we prayed for change to take my place and we prayed for God to protect me and not allow me to be affected by what was going on. We prayed that hearts and minds would be changed and we believed God to take care of the whole situation. I haven’t realized until recently that, that is exactly what God did. He took a broken situation and made a miracle happen. At the time of it happening I remember not acknowledging it as any kind of miracle. In fact I was more angry and scared than I ever have been before and I had the kind of anxiety that made me ill. The way I planned it out God would fix my relationship and bless my home and things would be all better. I expected it to take time and I didn't think that it would be an easy fix. Sometimes damage takes time to heal. That was my first mistake putting a limit or a time frame on God’s miracle. The day sin left my home for good so did my husband. He moved out and with that I no longer had to pretend like things were ok. I did not go home that night and feel any kind of instantaneous change. I did not go home and breathe a sigh of relief thinking that everything was finally ok. I went home and saw rooms missing parts of him and by default parts of me. I went home and decided that God had decided not to work any miracles in that area and that somehow I hadn't prayed enough or made it clear enough that what I wanted was everything to be fixed. I was so angry because I always believed and still do that God wanted my marriage to succeed, he never wanted it to fail so why hadn't he fixed it?! Why wasn't it ok? If you have read any of my other posts then you already know that I went through depression and fear and anxiety that would shut me down for days. I never saw the miracle. I never thanked him for what he had done because I felt like he hadn't done anything. To this day I believe that what God wanted and wants is for my marriage to have succeeded and been something awesome forever. I believe his will is for marriage to be sacred and that he would have made it better and beautiful but he also gives people the freedom of their own will. He wants us to serve him because we want to and not because he has forced us and with that freedom of our will comes the chance that some people will reject him and that some people will choose to live in a way that ruins them. Sometimes the decision you make in an instant will change the way things should have been forever. I am not saying there is no coming back to God and that he would ever reject someone. You can go to heaven having been a murder at one time because he changes you to be something holy and pure and when he does you are no longer a murderer. You can go to heaven after leaving your wife and getting a divorce or doing drugs, or tearing a family apart. God can save you from anything but honestly the decisions you made in sin can have lasting consequences on your body and your life on earth. I didn’t think that would be something that I would have to think about because my miracle should have taken place and I should have what I wanted. I was angry and somehow placed the blame everywhere except where it belonged. When I was evicted out of my home that seemed to be confirmation that my life should just end. Where was my miracle?? I had no idea then that God was doing just what I had asked for. Life got better and I got over myself enough to see that I was ok and that everything was going to be ok and it took time but it happened. I would say that the real revelation of my miracle didn’t happen until this weekend. I was talking to my brother in law and we were talking about how when you are in the will of God and your letting him lead you then your whole life is a miracle. When you get up in the morning and spend all day not sinning you are living a miraculous life. I started to think about my own life and the past 6-9 months and how much I have changed. My first thought was that God took me out of a situation that was damaging me. He put me in a home where I am completely protected. He gave me peace and he gave me joy. He put me into a situation where now I can start getting out of debt and every single day of my life is not a struggle to stay on top. He gave me the miracle I asked for, a better life. I don’t know that the miracle of my relationship being mended will happen but I do know if not that then I will be in another relationship and I will have everything I wanted. I do know that lately God has been moving and changing lives and that everything is ok because everyone who wants to do right will get the chance to be saved and go to heaven and that includes people who have walked away. As I sat there thinking about miracle after miracle that has happened to me my first thought was “No God! Not that miracle.” I didn't want that miracle, but I do. I want every day of my life to be a miracle. Whatever has to happen for me to see that and live in that is what I want. I don’t want to put a limitation on God’s miracles. The minute I start telling him how the miracle needs to happen then I am limiting the miracle and it is no longer a miracle. I still tell God what I want everyday. He knows my heart and I cannot hide my heart’s desires from him. I am not going to try and hide what I want. In the bible it says you have not because you ask not and I believe that. I also believe that God loves me enough to not only give me everything I need but he also cares about what I want. My biggest desire is to be right and to live my life completely for him and he is performing miracles every day so that I can do that.  I know that what has already happened this far has been amazing and I know that what is continuing to happen will be even greater.