Should I break? What am I fighting for?

The first thing on my mind is this: Very recently a situation came up in my life and for all of the things that I have been dealing with that I thought I never would, this is the only one I knew I would never be able to change. This is the one thing that I figured I would never be able to handle…and yet somehow I did. I shouldn't say somehow, I know exactly how I made it through. God. That is it that is the only answer I have for all of life’s issues and questions, God does it all and he does it perfectly. Through this situation I have had peace and I have been able to keep my head up and I definitely learned again that when I love someone no matter what kind of relationship it is, I will always fight for them. I was discussing some things with my older sister and she said to me “you’re wondering how long you can go before you break.” Immediately I brushed it off and I said I am not made to break I am made to fight, but what she said hit home with me. Am I really not made to break? I mean I would never call myself delicate or fragile but doesn't everything have a breaking point? I don’t know if what I said to her is true at all. Am I not made to break or am I too afraid of what will happen if I do break. I am afraid to break because there are already so many broken people in my life. I feel the need to be strong for them and to be there for them. I feel like if I do break then they do not have a fighting chance. If they cannot fight for themselves then who else is going to? I want to fight for them. I want to bust the gates of hell wide open and take these people out. For that reason alone I am afraid to fall completely apart or completely break down. I shouldn't be so afraid that I put up a shield that nothing can penetrate. I should be able to feel, no not live by the feelings but I should still be able to feel. I don’t ever want to become numb. There is nothing worse than being an empty shell with nothing left and sometimes you have to be broken open so that things can be changed. No, I do not think that I am made to break when things in life happen. I do not have to fall apart every time the wind blows but how far am I taking this before its too far? There is one way we are most definitely supposed to be broken and that is before God. Do I get to the point that I am so afraid to break that I don’t even let God in to fix what needs to be fixed? I don’t want to do that anymore. Because I want to be strong there will be times that it requires me being broken. Because I know that God is in control and my life is his then there will be times that I will have to be broken so that I can give him that complete control.

The second thing that I have been thinking about is this: What am I fighting for and I am fighting for the right things. There is something right now that I am fighting for and no, not punching people in the throats kind of fighting. I am fighting for my life and for other people’s lives and I am doing it by prayer and by living in truth. Through all of this I have thought am I crazy? Should I even be fighting at this point? What are people going to think when they find out? What should I prepare myself for in this long battle? I have so many unanswered questions about this and I do not want to make a mistake and battle for something not worth fighting for. I would say right now that I am fighting for people’s lives because I care more about them then maybe they care about themselves. People are always worth you fighting for. Standing by someone you care about is always going to be worth it. Loving someone is never wrong. There are wrong ways to go about it and there are things that change the dynamics of love but love is never wrong. Fighting to make sure other people have the best life and sacrificing your own comfort to stand by someone’s side is what love is all about. I completely understand that we have always looked at life where there is a certain point where you have to walk away and you have to take care of you and you have to respect yourself and I agree to a point. Like I said the dynamics of love can change and what sacrifices you make for someone can change but the love itself should never change. I disagree that true love for someone ever goes away, it never does. You may learn how to better represent that love depending on the nature of that particular relationship but no, it never goes away. What I am fighting for is right and how I choose to fight for it shouldn't be dependent on how others feel about it. No one is worthless, no one should be left behind, no one is unimportant, and no one should ever be rejected. Are you afraid to be used? Why? Why can’t someone use you if you love them? Why not be completely and utterly used to better someone else’s life? To show them what real love is? What do you have to do with your love that is better than that? Why do you have love or even life if you are not willing to give it all completely away? You cannot hoard love. You cannot save your own life? This is not a video game where the person with the most life left wins. Let it go, give yourself to something worth having.