Just So You Know

Just so you know…

1. I think Batman is the best super hero and has the best movies. I mean think about it, he really doesn't have any super powers but he still kicks butt with all of his awesome gadgets. He has a lot of money and fame and although this is similar to Iron Man, what girl really likes a guy with a glowing chest?? Not me. Batman also has some of the coolest villains and his car…I love his car.
2. I was born and raised in home with two apostolic parents and grew up in the church knowing right from wrong and all about what we believe but it wasn't until the past couple of years that I can actually say that I really knew what was right or wrong for me. I can understand why growing up apostolic can almost be crippling because so many people never get their own walk.
3. I am in a much better mood when I go to bed at night than when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes the best part of my day is when I can get into bed and finally relax. The only downside is if I am not really tired because that’s when my brain is going crazy.
4. When I feel pretty I will take hundreds of pictures of myself and then only keep maybe two or three because I hate the rest.
5. When my husband first left I would sleep on his side of the bed because it made me feel more safe and OK.  Even though I don’t sleep in the same bed I still find myself gravitating toward that side of the bed because it’s a comfort thing for me.
6. I still have “sheepie” my blanket from when I was a baby and no, I do not sleep with it but I cannot bring myself to throw it out.
7. Sometimes when I am throwing a fit or being a brat I know exactly what I am doing and I still don’t make an effort to stop because sometimes I feel justified. It’s only later when I am thinking back that I really wish I had a better handle on that.
8. I can be pretty loud but I have learned by being around people like me, that loud and abrasive is not the way I want to be. I don’t think that fits in so well with being a lady and being classy and it even makes me uncomfortable when I am around women who are loud and obnoxious because I feel like it reflects badly on me.
9. I think its annoying when people are upset over the loss of animals whether it be a pet or not. I am not for animal cruelty in any way at all but animals and humans are NOT equal at all and it bothers me when people act like they are.
10. I love S’mores and s’more flavored things almost more than any other flavor because chocolate and Marshmallow are amazing. I probably gained most of my weight eating s’more pop tarts all of the time♥
11. I am not as excited to hang out with my friends if I know there is not going to be food involved. Even with eating healthier and losing weight I still like to eat when I socialize.
12.  I think being girly comes with the territory and I don’t think being girly means you need to be weak. It means that being strong doesn't mean that you need to look or act like a man and that liking pink hand guns is OK!  I think you should have the option to bedazzle everything and not get made fun of because a bedazzled pocket knife still has a blade 
13. I think that being a wife and/ or a mom is the most fulfilling kind of thing you can ever do as a woman.
14. I hate the idea of being fat or overweight but I cannot wait to have a baby bump and see how awesome it is to carry my baby and watch it grow before it is even born. If that is considered being overweight then I will take it!
15. The thought of living in the country or in a less populated area scares me more than the thought of living in the inner city.
16. Not all babies are cute and a lot of them are plain hideous but what matters more than their looks is their disposition. The ugliest baby can seem a lot cuter if they are happy babies.
17. If there is a mentally handicapped child/ young adult in a movie, no matter what the plot is, I will probably cry because I love them so much.
18. I do want to fall deeply in love with someone and have them love me back and be so happy in love but, I still can’t imagine falling in love again. I just hope that it does happen because it’s the best feeling in the world.
19. I love my younger sister and the scariest thought was that she looked up to me so much and watched everything I did because I feel like I have made so many mistakes. Every time I talk to her I try to make sure she know what was and wasn't OK.
20. Everyday when I wake up I want to try to be better than I was the day before in every single way.

You Will Judge Me Now...but read on!

For the past few days I have been having the most scandalous thought, which of course I just had to share. Let me just say a head of time that I know I am wrong and no, I would never do this but I have days where it seems like a simple solution to a complicated life. The thought is this: I see the benefit to having a “baby daddy.” A no strings attached sperm donor, someone to give me the beautiful babies that I want without having to take care of a grown adult too. See, I told you… scandalous! I am even scandalized at myself for having this thought and it makes me feel really evil and a lot trashy. Like I said I would never really want this in the end and, I would never even think to do this in real life, just in my head sometimes when I am planning my life I think yeah this is a good way to get what I want without getting what I don’t want. The thing is, even typing the words “baby daddy” made me cringe. I actually heard someone use that term in an interview and I was thinking ‘ok if this person gets hired then I am quitting’! It is such a trashy and ghetto term that people use to describe the father of their children and the worst part of it is that a lot of times this “baby daddy” is still their significant other. So I guess if you are trashy enough and have kids with this guy then the word boyfriend or fiancé doesn’t cut it. I mean I guess if you are not with the father then the term kind of works except for the fact that a) it is not a grammatically correct term and b) it is sooooo ghetto. I mean just be like “yes I am dropping Junior off with his father,” not “I am taking junior to my baby daddy.” Uggh see how much more class you can bring to a pretty classless situation by just changing the way you say it? I feel the same way about “baby mama” but as I am female, I don’t need one of those. For the sake of this post I used the term baby daddy at first as a humorous introduction, more to make fun of the situation then to actually describe what I want. This is why I feel like a lot of days I can see the benefit to the afore mentioned position. This is entirely my crazy feelings and in no way something I think people should actually go off of but here goes:

I have already been the wife who cared for a husband who had the idea that she would have a family and that it would be her and her husband starting that family. No one else mattered and no other plans were made for the “just in cases.” My marriage as it was and as it is right now has definitely matured me and has helped me to grow as a person and I feel like I am still at a point as far as maturity where becoming a mother is the next logical step. This dream however is temporarily (or not so temporarily) out of my reach. I am in no way ready to love someone like I loved my husband and if its not a love like that then I am not doing it. I know love grows and I know it can happen and that it probably will happen but I am just not there yet, believe me. I know myself. I sometimes put myself in that frame of mind where I am like ‘someday you’re going to have an awesome husband and beautiful babies and life is going to be everything you imagined it would be.’ It doesn’t make me happy or ready for the future yet. It doesn’t make me want to start planning a second wedding or start dating some guy. It doesn’t make me feel comforted, it scares me and makes me panic! I have gone that route mentally and ended up in tears on my couch or in bed for hours. I do however think to myself quite often ‘I want a baby’ and no, it’s not ideal but I feel like I could do it alone if I have to. I would rather do that than go through a whole relationship again. Well obviously I cannot do “it” alone so I would need a guy for his uh…product LOL. I did the whole cleaning up after my husband and taking care of him and washing his underwear and that was all well and good because he was my love but I am NOT doing that for another guy just so I can have a baby that I also have to clean up after. I am not ready (I say ready and not that I am never because I know this will change when it needs to) to go through a relationship where I date someone and get engaged and deal with a wedding. That is some stressful and not always fun business and doing it once was so cool but doing it again seems exhausting! I am not ready to learn to live with someone and their habits and have them learn to love me for all of my faults. I would still at this time be constantly comparing him and our life to the life I had before and that is not fair to him or to me. So yes I want a beautiful baby, I have names picked out and bedroom themes and cute clothes that they will wear. I even have a baby bib so that my baby can fully rep the football team that I follow, this is the football team I became a fan of because of my current husband. That’s not gonna work in a new relationship and let me tell you something that bib was not cheap and needs to be used! So yeah the solution to all of this is a “baby daddy.” Of course he would have to be amazing looking, I do have standards for what I want my babies to look like haha. Like I said at the start this would never happen in real life and even in my head it is scandalous but now you see my point…sometimes this seems like a brilliant plan! Double points if he has money and can make you a stay at home mom ;) I will say that I have considered my other options and there was adoption. This one is a NO right away. It is so costly and time consuming that I could get remarried and have my own kids with that kind of money and time. The second option was kidnapping and although it is free, it is also frowned upon in polite society ;-P

I am pretty certain that if you follow this blog and you don’t judge me yet, you do now! You don’t have to keep reading if you don’t want to but I promise not all of my posts are going to be so anti- everything I believe. This post was just a little description of what happens in my brain at times when I get really bad baby fever. To keep things kosher for all you crazies reading this blog I will state rather firmly that the only way I will start a family is the way God intended it to be. I will have a husband and my kiddos will have both of their parents in one household and be raised to know and revere the sanctity of marriage and family. As far off as it seems at times I would never want to screw up a child’s life and stability by doing this any other way. I was raised in home with two great parents who loved each other very much and that has been my rock no matter what I go through in my own life. I know what a good family looks like and that’s the only way my future family will happen. For now I will be content with all of my nieces and nephews and loving on them♥

New Motivations

       Last week was overall not my best week for working out and eating great and although by Thursday I was getting back in the game, I did not really love it anymore and I felt FAT! I tell ya, a girl takes like two days off from her routine and her whole life just ends. For a few days I even thought that since I am going to be fat anyways I should just keep eating like the human garbage can…luckily I didn’t follow through with that thought and I continued to make healthier (not always fully healthy but definitely healthier) choices. I mean I got frozen yogurt instead of ice cream but I did that both Friday and Saturday. I was intent that I would just eat better and healthier and not necessarily worry about the calorie count as long as I was getting nutrition…this worked up until yesterday. Yesterday I decided that I had to do more! I had to get myself actually losing the weight and not just maintaining…I really love food guys! I am not kidding knowing that I am eating healthier and now cutting back on calories actually makes me sad. I feel a little depressed and I know that mentally this is gonna be even worse. It’s a bikini or brownies and I want to choose the brownies, at least I tell myself I do until I get naked that night and then I want to throw up the brownies. Even Sunday night I was battling and I didn’t eat consistently enough so by nine at night I was sitting in my friend’s living room…starving! When I left there about quarter to ten I was driving home telling myself that this is not worth it. I need to eat to be happy and nice to people and I need to eat whatever I want in the moment and so I admit I failed Sunday night. It was a huge fail! Like a McDonald’s sized fail. So not only did I eat McDonalds but I got the soda and fries with it and I ate it at like 10:00pm!! Oh my goodness I did not even feel too bad about it, I was feeling so tired and hungry and like my working out wasn’t making a difference anyway. I was hoping that my motivation to be sexy and healthy would come back but I figured if it didn’t I would just be a fat girl. I am not even kidding when I say that I started to imagine my life as more of a plus sized girl and how I would have to find a guy who liked chubby girls. The thought didn’t even make me shudder…until Monday morning. I woke up and I somehow felt like my motivation was back! I had my lunch packed and ready to go and it was a lot of smaller, healthier snacks. I was so psyched! Then I remembered my relapse from the night before and I was like uggh! NOOO!!! So it was then I decided that I needed even more discipline and a little more critical motivation in the right direction. I downloaded My Fitness Pal…for like the 10^th time. Every time that I decide to lose weight I download this thing and it demotivates (not even a word but it describes what I mean in the best way) me. It sucks the motivation and happiness right out of my life and people swear by this thing and it makes me sick. It counts every single tiny little calorie you put into your body and the minute you go over you feel like you have disappointed the whole world. It makes you feel like the fattest fatty in the world and follows that up by a summary of your day. Seriously it says ‘if you eat like this everyday then you will be X amount of pounds by whatever date. Now this is meant to encourage you but when it tells you that by the way you are eating and how much you exercise you will lose 5 pounds in two months it actually does the opposite. It encourages you to commit suicide and makes you feel psychologically that you should not only kill yourself but that you should order a plus sized coffin. I am not even sure that “plus sized coffins” are a thing but it cant be one size fits all. I watched a documentary on a 900 pound woman that dies while having surgery to lose weight. She definitely didn’t go in a standard coffin. So yeah, I am not a fan. Well I am also not a fan of being fat and someday really having to be buried in a plus sized coffin so I downloaded it again. I watched that little app load and I felt a deep loathing but also a lot of fear. This thing makes a liar out of me…I want to lie to it so that it tell me I’ll be smaller a lot faster. I want to pretend I did not eat everything I ate and I don’t want to add in calories for condiments, it’s not fair to count something like that. There is only one way to use that stupid, somewhat helpful, mostly depressing app, and that is the right way. I realize that’s its whole intent and purpose is to help you realize what you are eating and what you are burning and to get that at least well balanced so you are not consuming more calories than you can manage to burn off. I am going to stick to this little plan and help myself really lose weight. Yeah, I wanna be healthy but I also have a goal weight and I need to tweak my lifestyle just a little bit more so that I can get there. Yesterday was good and today has been good as well. Last night I did a 3.5 mile power walk and I would like to do another 2-3 again tonight. I would say jog but that is a lie. Jogging hurts my legs (lower legs) in a way that I am pretty sure is not a healthy burn and more of a you’re not wearing the right shoes kind of way, or a you’re too fat for your legs to hold you up kind of way. LOL either way it’s a sucky feeling but I will tell you that after last night in the park I am more willing to go buy good shoes and do what I need to do to at least be a decent jogger. Two things happened that left me in awe and wonder and it all started off like this:

        Last weekend or actually the one before that on Friday it rained on and off all day! I was so disappointed because I was still really motivated to get out and do my jogging and I could not do it in the park if it was pouring. Well when I left work there was a break in the rain and I was like ‘yeah! I am totally going right to the park and getting this jog in before it rains again.’ Big mistake! I should have known…I got to the park and no one else was there…there is always at least one other car in the parking lot and usually a few more people who are riding their bikes. There was no one at all. At first this actually made me happy because I hate feeling like I am working out around other people. I totally know that they are judging me and that they can see my stuff jiggle all over and it makes me so uncomfortable. Well I started strong and was coming around to the side of the trail with the pond and my luck changed. I had my headphones in and I was just truckin’ along and suddenly I passed the geese. I am not one of those people who are afraid of geese but as I walked by them I heard a horrible hissing sound, mind you this was over the sound of my loud music blaring right into my ears. Apparently my being the only human in the park made that goose uncomfortable and she was freaking out! I say “she” because she was surrounded by cute fuzzy baby geese and she was in protective mother mode. I didn’t want to run and startle her into an attack but I also didn’t want to just stroll past and give her the chance to come at me. I just started saying “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” as I walked by and hoped that what they say about us having dominion over the animals was true. I got away from the geese and right there decided that round two was not going to be anywhere near the pond. I would stick to the more wooded area and just do that part twice. So I was almost to the safe wooded area when it started to rain. Yeah, the rest of the world knew not to go to the park and I was all like ‘nope still doing it’! This is how much of my life goes. I figured I would keep going since in the woods the trees would be covering a lot of the area and the rain wouldn’t hit as hard. I felt really proud of myself for being so determined even though I now had two signs that I should go home. I was walking along and look up to realize that about three feet in front of me are two deer, females, and they are just staring at me. Obviously I was not paying good enough attention because I almost came right up on them. I figured that deer are gentle creatures and I could pass them without a problem. I walked towards them and the one deer took a step at me like a challenge!!! Oh My Goodness Gracious! I finally just decided to take a hint and turn around with my heart pounding and my legs shaking! So last night when I was heading to the park I kinda got nervous. The animals do not like me!! It was a beautiful night and I expected that there would be others there so I still went but I was a little apprehensive. Well let me tell you happily, last night went beautifully. Like I said I did my 3.5 miles and I felt great! I also saw two people jogging along side each other and actually having a conversation…that was my first awwww moment. I am not even jogging and I am breathing too heavily to even really say hi as I pass other people. I must say it did not make me feel like a fail and it was more inspiring. I want to get there! I want to be able to be seriously moving and be able to talk. Ok so second amazing thing, a man. Haha I am not even kidding. This guy ran past me and I was like ‘oh baby, baby’! yeah he was a runner and he was serious, like with the gear serious but he was so hot! Sweat on him didn’t look horrible it was that glistening, manly look. So yeah I spent the next mile or so thinking about him and purposely bouncing as I walked to get that cute pony tail bounce going in case he came up on me again. Well when I didn’t see him I figured he was done and gone and so I am standing at the end of this branch off trail kind of stalking because I noticed that it ended at an entrance to a neighborhood and that just amused me. I was standing there trying to figure out if it was a private community and someone came up behind me and startled me. Before I could realize it was my running lover, I screeched. I mean he scared me coming up like that out of nowhere. Well he was gracious and apologized and even touched my arm apologetically. I was in my element! So yes last night was a super awesome experience. I will keep moving forward ☺

My week so far

                My week so far has been pretty good…depending on what your calculations are on. As far as my working out and eating good foods it was a fail…such a fail. I was not home and I was tired out and I have not worked out since Saturday and Sunday was mother’s day and then the second part of Monday and all day Tuesday and Wednesday I was at my mother in laws making less than healthy choices. I am back at it today and I am going to drink a lot of water and probably cut back on my calories for today to get myself back in the game. I will also do some of my workout when I get home. I know it’s going to be so much harder since I had nearly three days off and I feel like it ruined me. My week as far as other things goes like emotions and mental state of mind has been decent…not awesome and flying high but up until last night (more on that in a minute) I hadn’t cried or felt depressed all week. Also right now the girls at work are talking about ordering Chinese food for lunch and I feel like that’s not fair. I love Chinese food and I have not had it in so long but today I have to be good and Chinese is not a good and healthy choice. It is actually making me feel grumpy cause I could totally go for some delicious Chinese food…and instead I have freaking snow peas and grapes and nuts and that kind of stuff. I mean I am really wanting to lose the weight so no one is telling me I cannot order the Chinese food except myself, I am really mad at myself! LOL. So back to my week…I spent a good amount of the week with people. I am better when I am around people most of the time. I have a few moments where too many people are overwhelming but generally they are a helpful distraction. I spent pretty much from Saturday until last night with family every single night and it was good. I did come to the conclusion that baby sitting for days at a time is a sneak preview of stay at home motherhood and that right there is…exhausting! I was with my sister in law so its not like I was doing it alone at all and honestly she did a lot of the work but I tried to help her and be up at the same time as her and just make it more of a team thing and it really kicked my butt. Even with the two boys at school for a good part of the day it was like wow! Being at stay at home mom and homeschooling your kids must be insane and I give major props to all moms out there that stay home with your kids. I still want to do it with my future babies and no, it did not ruin me in the least, but it definitely gave me an appreciation for that kind of thing. There were parts of the week where I was like OMG I need a nap right now or I might die and then there were moments where it was the most fulfilling feeling to be caring for kids…even someone else’s. I mean they were my little brother in laws so of course I love them like family but if I felt all good making sure they were ok throughout the day then I can only imagine the feeling of protecting and loving your own child. Well yesterday when we were waiting for the parents to arrive so we could leave I kept thinking how happy I would be to get home. I wanted quite and sleep and a good nights sleep. I know my house has to be cleaned and although I knew it wouldn’t get done last night I just felt like being at home would be good. So finally the parents came back home and I bundled my sister in law and nephew into my car and realized…I was going home alone. My sister was so happy to get home so her son would sleep normally and eat on his schedule and all kinds of things, she was excited to get home to her husband and I completely get that. There would have been a time where that would have been me but not now. I pushed off my sudden feelings of distress as being over tired then I got my sister and nephew home and into the door of their apartment and I got back in my car and it felt eerily silent. The noise that had previously been a little obnoxious was all gone and it left me feeling lonely not relieved. I felt really crappy and discouraged and also tired so it didn’t help. I could not get myself all happy and there was nothing to look forward to and so I started feeling so sad. I wasn’t sobbing and my eyes were not all blurred with tears, no this was not a dramatic display of my overwrought emotions, but then all of the sudden a tear ran down my cheek. It was then that I was thinking ‘ok go home and lay down.’ As usual when I start feeling like this I end up relapsing into why I am so upset and it all comes down to one thing. I am not where I want to be. I envisioned my life completely different from where it ended up. I am not building a strong marriage and starting a family and when I go home I am not going home to take care of anyone and I am not even going to a home that’s really mine. This is really hard to swallow sometimes. It’s not everyday and it is better than it used to be but it still hurts and upsets me. Then, the thing is I do not get angry with my husband, I do not start blaming him and hating him, I start missing him and wishing our life was so different.  I start feeling like I want to talk to him and I want him to tell me its all going to work out and that things look so bad right now but that he is always gonna be there for me and that we will make it. That’s not reality at all and it’s not the way it is, not even a little bit but because he was my hero, my protector and my love I still always think that maybe he can be the one that can make this all go away. Nope he is the one that made this all happen, this was his choice, his decision and so no, I don’t call him or text him or beg him to change. I got home and decided to rest and even though it was evening I figured a little nap wouldn’t hurt and I would end up feeling so much better. what actually happened was that I laid in my bed for 30 minutes feeling like life was too much. I cried a little and missed my husband a lot and then lamented the fact that I just can’t say that to anyone. Most people don’t understand how you miss someone that caused you so much pain. They try to pretend to understand but always follow it up with the famous line of “you’re better off now.” ok yes in some ways I am so they are right but they don’t get it and so I keep all of it to myself. I keep locked deep inside and it hurts sometimes more than it should. I let it get too far before I realize I have a remedy. I have a protector and a love that will never leave me. I have a God who can change things and make my life good and yet sometimes I sit there and just let the pain happen and the tears flow and I let myself feel how bad it hurts. I think that it may be sick but sometimes I feel like if I cant feel the pain anymore then I don’t care like I should and the love I have for him is dwindling…I don’t want the love to go away. I forget that I can love him and live my life without him. I forget that God wants my life to be full of love but not full of sorrow and that loving someone doesn’t mean mourning them. I forget that God cares about my husband too and that I can pray about it and talk to him and he listens and he cares. So yesterday with my face buried in the pillow so that I wouldn’t start screaming I realized I have to talk to God about it. So I did and I then I got off of my bed and I started some laundry. I felt better but I still felt lonely so I called my older sister and this is where I give her a shout out and tell you how awesome she is:

                My older sister Rachel moved 4,000+ miles away back in February and almost every week since then I have listed a new reason why I need her to come home. Just yesterday I asked her to come home because I needed someone to go on a walk with me. I miss her so much because I relied on her when I was at my lowest. Even if I was not with her physically she was always there for me and she would always drop whatever she was doing and come to me or take my call. We would go out to dinners and get food all of the time and have pedicures and all kinds of stuff. She has the three kids that stole my heart even though they may be demons. With her and her kids on my side there was never a dull moment. She is also my sister that has gone through more and some similar things to what I have been through and so she is the one that understands. She is the one that says things that a lot of times annoy me because she is blunt. She is point blank and she doesn’t always communicate it in the best way but she always says the truth and if she feels like she is wrong she has no problem retracting what she has said. She can make me so mad but can also calm me down like no one else. The biggest problem is that I am like her, maybe a more watered down version but we are definitely alike. She has always been there for me and supported me and losing her company has been horrorific. I miss her every single day and I still wish she lived here. Since she has been gone she has still been the best friend and sister. We text almost every single day all throughout the day and I talk to her on the phone pretty frequently. When I am losing my mind I go to her and she has learned how to talk me down and she never makes me feel stupid for why I am upset. She has been a supporter for me even when she is going through her own issues and she has put me first. I have a lot of supporters and so I don’t know if she is the biggest supporter because there are a few that have been supportive through everything but she is definitely my most vocal supporter. I love her and I miss her every single day and I am so happy that distance does not stop her from being my big sister. Last night she was there again and she just talked and told me funny stories about my niece and made my whole night much better♥

My Mommy

                My mommy, yup sometimes I still call her mommy, she is the reason I am who I am today. I do not even know where to begin saying how much I admire her and love her. When I was a kid I used to think she was the mean one or maybe just the one who did not put up with a whole lot. She is not a dramatic, crazy over the top girly girl and so unwarranted melt downs and fits were not permitted or even acknowledged. If we wanted something or had to ball our eyes out my dad let us be the princesses. He would call us his little lambs and comfort us but probably sometimes to a fault. When I was younger I was a little tiny drama queen and I cried about everything. My mom was so patient with me and helped me and cared for me but she never let me be ridiculous. I was afraid of ants and flies…no lie. I remember clearly that a fly landed on my sandwich once at a picnic and I lost my mind. My mom just brushed it off and told me I was fine. I would say that the intense emotions and passion I have come more from my dad but I know that the strength I have comes from my mother. She is beautiful; strangers tell me how beautiful she is. She was and still is a stay at home mom and yet she never let herself go. She got up every single day and exercised and showered and got dressed and made breakfast. She was never ever lazy. She would do our school with us and clean the house at the same time. she took us to the park, and the museum, and the zoo and all of those fun things. They say hind sight is 20/20 and I do believe that. What I may have thought was sometimes mean was just discipline. She gave me and my sisters and my brother our best chance at life. She instilled values that are still in my life. She was the one who would make us turn off inappropriate movies or who monitored what we read, she was the one that would make us change if our outfits were ridiculous and sometimes I looked at those things like they were suffocating but now I see that she was just making us a benefit to society not monsters. We learned to clean and do laundry and all kinds of things that we would need to know for our adult life. She knew everything about us, what we liked what made us happy and what broke our hearts and she took time to do things to make us happy. I also remember my mom shutting herself in her room and praying and speaking in tongues and that is something priceless. The one thing that she did for me was be an example of complete love and strength. I love the way I love because of how I watcher her love. I was the wife I was because of the wife she was. If I have kids I will be the mother I am because of the mother she was. Without watching her come through her brokenness and come out stronger and without watching her care for and love my dad no matter what the past year of my life would have killed me. I would not know how to love someone who hurts you and I would not know how to pray for people that disappoint you. I would not know how to get up every single day and live my life even when I wanted to give up. Without her I would be more afraid than I am, more insecure than I can be and a lot of other negative things. She is selfless and brave and she is the very definition of love. Because of her I am a real lady. Because of her our family is still together and because of her the world has five amazing humans, no make that six…this includes my dad. Sometimes I am afraid to tell her how scared or broken I really am because I don’t want her to know how disappointed I am in myself and the way my life has gone but its like she knows and she always obliterates those fears and lets me know how amazing I really am. She has never looked on me in judgment whether I am yelling about something that I just said I didn't care about or whether I am crying about something like the wrong kind of ice cream. Just the other day I was texting her and mentioned me losing weight and how I am working so hard for it. She did not tell me not to do that but she just said that some people would kill for my curves. She just wanted me to know that to her I am already beautiful and that other people see it too. That was better than a compliment from anyone else because it was from her heart. I know that she is proud of us even if she doesn't scream it from the roof tops because she shows it in the way she treats us. I have always loved her but I don’t think I have ever valued her like I do now. I have gone through some things that I have watched her go through and I can appreciate all that she did and all of the strength that she portrayed. I know she probably won’t read this blog but I can tell her these things in person or write her a letter. I just hope that the rest of the world can see this and will know what kind of mother I have. I hope that if anyone who knows me or her reads this, that they get a new appreciation for motherhood. If anyone reading this loves me at all and thinks that I am anything then I hope you realize that I am what I am because I had the best kind of mom in the world♥

What's going on in my head today...Yikes

                TGIF!! I am actually pretty psyched that I made it through another week without A) killing anyone and B) messing up my fitness plan ♥ I feel like I have been doing pretty good in those areas…mainly because I want to be pretty sexy and also because killing people is against the law ;) So starting this week I started to regain some of the anxiety that I thought I was finally over. This really has nothing to do with my husband or any of our marital issues (although I am sure that as a background does not help) and it has to do with me. I feel overwhelmed by all the things that I want to accomplish and on top of that there are other extra things happening. My brain works something like this… ‘I have to work out Saturday, but I told my younger sister we could hang out for a while, but I have to make my mom a cake…omg I have to go to the store. I have no money! My cell bill is due, I need to work out and eat less, I wonder how long I am gonna be with my mom on Sunday so I can also make time for my mother in law? I can’t breathe…I am panicking. I’m so tired and I just want to sleep in on Saturday but I have to work out and I won’t have time to make a cake and work out and hang out with my sister in the morning…’ yeah so that’s how it goes until I am usually hyperventilating and then I realize that’s only like four thing I have to accomplish and I can go to the store tonight and get my cards and cake mix and the cake doesn’t have to be baked in the morning and I don’t have to work out in the morning. You know what is important? Getting my butt up and praying because if I can just pray and talk to God and know that he is holding me then nothing else matters. I am pretty adept at rolling with the punches, I don’t like to live like that and it can be uncomfortable but honestly I have a big God and he has never left me and he will not. This is something that I have to remind myself of daily because I am my biggest problem. Mostly I make the problems for myself but panicking over things that are just not in my control. So once again today and probably not for the first time today I am taking a deep breath and letting it go and asking God for help.

                Secondly have you ever heard people say that they don’t want their funerals to be sad or depressing and that they want it to be a celebration of the life lived…anyone who comes to my funeral better be balling. If I die young or if the rapture doesn’t come before I live a full long life and I have to have a funeral y’all better be losing your minds with grief! LOL JK…kind of. I mean I don’t want anyone suicidal over it and I know that over time you will forget me but my funeral is the last day about me and I want people mourning the loss of someone so wonderful. My oldest sister actually knows certain specifics I have about my funeral if I die young so she has to be in charge of that. If I die when I am old I guess I don’t really even care. Honestly if I make it to at least 75 (I prefer 100) then I don’t care too much how people mourn. If I have kids and a surviving spouse then I want them to be upset but old people die…that’s the way it goes so mainly I want it to be devastating if I die young. I know this is a morbid topic but honestly sometimes I imagine myself being hit by a car as I walk out into a parking lot and I always imagine myself as a young woman when that happens. I just feel like if I were going to die young I want people at my funeral in black and the women wearing those hats with the netted veils and those finger-less lace gloves and strands of pearls and tears streaming down their faces and the men in suits with handkerchiefs. I guess I kind of imagine a dark and romantic funeral for myself haha. I am pretty sure I will be convicted about that at some point because for us death is nothing. We live forever…but I am not super dramatic and this would be one heck of a way to send me off. Ok lets be real…if any of you have ever seen the music video for the song “Helena” by My Chemical Romance (totally not recommending this, just saying if you know what I’m talking about then you get this) then that is kind of the look I am going for. I know my brain is a hot mess because yes I have thought about this and yes I have put waaay too much thought into this so, I will move on now.

                I was going to put something about my mom in this post but it feels weird doing that right after discussing my funeral so I am going to do a separate post about that. Today I am going to be thankful on purpose. Knowing what you have and realizing your blessings is the remedy for overcoming stress and fear. I can be worried for what I don’t have or what I am unsure of or I can be so thankful for what I do have and what I know is true. Today I am living thankfully!

Workout Horrors!

                Yesterday was my worst workout day so far!! I didn’t think I would write another post so soon but I seriously almost lost it yesterday working out and I feel like I need to let it out. I knew that the hardest part of this weight loss battle would be mental but I don’t think it helps that I am already pretty mentally unstable. My brain is on a whole other level! Yesterday marked the first full week of my new healthy eating and working out life and I felt good about it all day. I was so ready to just get into it and burn more calories and get myself toned and I thought I was going to be on fire…nope. The issue is that I was already having a mental battle because I knew I needed to clean and I knew that if I cleaned first I would not want to workout but if I worked out first then I would be too tired to really clean. As a responsible adult I feel like cleaning my house should be a priority and taking care of my home is part of growing up and I do feel better when my home is clean. I neglected it all weekend to the point where I had to still put the clean sheets on my bed but I still felt my obsessive behavior coming through and I just knew I had to go on my walk/ jog and exercise or I would feel like such a fail. I decided that I would workout right away and still get the important cleaning handled and that no matter what I would just push through it all. I drove to the park…and feeling like the champ I parked at the farthest end to give myself a little more walking time. I didn’t know then that I was going to hate myself for it later. I waked down the little path headed to the trail and it hit me immediately, I was tired and it was hot and I was going to do at least two miles whether I wanted to or not. I did not want to do it at all! I wanted to turn right around and go home and pretend that cleaning my toilet was a workout. I was seriously halfway through my first mile and I was huffing and puffing from walking and I was sweaty and maybe even crying a little bit. Pandora wouldn’t work and although I have some music on my phone it’s not my normal workout music. My legs hurt, I felt a little light headed and it was just horrible but I kept going and even pushed myself to do some jogging sprints. It didn’t feel good; it didn’t feel like an accomplishment it just felt like hell. With tears in my eyes and heavy breathing I started to go down that horrible path in my mind. I was thinking ‘I have been doing this for a week and there is no change! I am gonna be one of those people who tries so hard and gets no where. If there is a difference it is that one of my many rolls may be one tenth smaller than it was and that’s not enough for a week of killing myself. I want cake.’ Yes I was having a pity party and so once again I pushed myself to do some more jogging. I still didn’t feel good and I still felt tired and it still wanted to go hide from the world. I finished my first mile and went in for my second and once again halfway through that I was like “I’m done”! The biggest problem is at that point I have to walk back to my car, so I can finish out the trail or turn around but either way I’m getting that whole mile in LOL. I just decided to keep going but to keep my pace up I started being nasty to myself. I was pushing myself but the things I was thinking to push myself could probably make someone suicidal. So then I got myself all upset in a whole different way and I was just like wow! Could this possibly go any worse? I think the fact that mere walking with a little jogging mixed in was making me so exhausted really killed it. I was so out of shape that just walking was making me want to die. It hits home when you realize how far gone your body really is at 25 years old. It just felt like such a tragedy and I felt so miserable. I finished my second mile in a jog…still didn’t feel proud. I felt tired and sweaty and then I looked out at the parking lot and wanted to collapse. What had I been thinking parking on the opposite side of the parking lot? I mean the parking lot isn’t even that big and I was still in despair. I half walked half sobbed my way to the car and dropped into my seat. I took some deep breaths and realized that I did it. I didn’t do it the way I wanted to and I didn’t do it with all that fire and passion but I didn’t quit either. Finally at that point I started to feel a little bit better. My legs were shaking and I felt like I was going to pass out but I had made it. I got home and even managed to do another 30 minutes of toning which was also a huge deal for me. I spent like five minutes on the floor hating my tummy. I was literally like OMG what am I doing?? Why am I still so blubbery?! I didn’t even feel like I was doing my crunches correctly, everything just felt so wrong but I was like ya know what? I have come this far today and I will keep going. So I did! I got through my whole workout and cleaned my bathroom and made my bed and made dinner. I definitely did not feel like I rocked it yesterday. I do not feel like I was conquering my weight but I guess how I feel doesn’t matter because I did it anyways and on the scale this morning the number was down. I am hoping that with it physically getting easier it will also get easier mentally. Like one of my besties told me today, “you shouldn’t think so negatively or do that to yourself because then working out will always have that negative feeling. Start thinking about the positive end and the good things that will happen when you have met your goals.” I agree. I should not tell myself how ugly I am, that’s not true. I shouldn’t tell myself that anything that has happened in my life that I don’t like or that hurt me is a result of me not being super model skinny, that’s a horrid lie. I should look at the fact that I will be healthy and happy and make some guy really happy someday when he sees me naked ;-) Today I am going on a hike with my friend and so I will not be alone with my thoughts and I will be in a different area and see different scenery and I think that today is going to be better. I am still fairly certain that I will never be that girl that loves to workout. I am pretty sure I kinda hate it, but I am determined. 

Happy Monday!

                Ok so I made it through my first full weekend of being healthy and trying to get myself into shape. I would say that Sunday was my worst day because I didn't really get in any real exercise and also I didn't eat super good. I did not eat a ton of junk and I managed to get three meals in but they were not the best. I would not call it a fail but I am not really proud of myself. I did really well on Friday and Saturday so I guess I mostly won this weekend. Saturday I actually busted my butt and so I kinda felt like taking a break on Sunday was not horrible but I still want to eat so good even if I don’t work out. I do not wanna start slipping because that’s when I find myself sitting on the couch with a whole package of cookies and that my friends would be an epic FAIL!!

                        So in the course of one week: My boss gave me a scratch off which I won $5 on and then one of my other bosses bet us office girls that his agency would make so much money and if he lost we each got $50. Well he lost…so yay $50 bucks richer!! Then my boss bought us a place in the Kentucky Derby bet so I picked the horse…he didn't win us anything. Apparently the name “Will Take Charge” does not mean that the horse really will take charge, whatevs! Well all of this happened and on Thursday night I was sitting in church when it hit me…I had a scratch off ticket in my purse and a check for $50 that I won in a bet. I started getting a little twitchy like I am not a gambler and I didn't put my own money into anything but OMG. I usually keep my purse unzipped especially in church because it means easier access and less noise when I need a mint or hand lotion or chapstick. Also I keep my purse on the seat right next to me. I am usually sitting alone in church now and I don’t like people being super close to me. I like to have a seat in between me and someone else unless it’s my husband or sister or someone like that. So there I am in church with my purse next to me all wide opened and showing off my sinner money! Lol now I am not really sure that anyone was even looking at my purse or if the ticket and check were showing but wow! I zipped up that purse so fast I almost pinched my fingers doing it. I must say that on Friday when I was able to go grocery shopping for all of my healthy food and not have to use most of my paycheck I was rather pleased!

                        The last thing I have to say is that I am so impressed with the way God loves us and how even though he doesn't have to he proves it over and over again every single day! There was a small part of this past weekend where I started to feel a little sad and a lot empty. I know that I don’t have to wait until church to get what I need but at the same time I just wanted to be there. So Saturday night I was lying in bed and just thinking God if I can just go to sleep when I wake up I will be going to church and it will be all better. I was trying to pray about certain situations and I guess I was not just trying I was actually doing it but I felt pretty disconnected from it and so out of it. I know it’s my fault; I had been so occupied with other things that I had not been focused on praying. So yes I still prayed and I know that God still heard me, you have to push through the dumb feelings and just know that he is God and he loves you no matter what you feel like. Still as I prayed I also prayed that something would happen Sunday morning, that I wouldn't leave without refreshing and that I wouldn't leave the same. Sunday morning was awesome and it was just what I needed and what everyone needed but I felt like yes! God really loves us and he doesn't want us to walk around feeling empty. He wants us to be full and have the best life and even when it is our fault he wants to help us. I am so impressed with the love. It gives me the hope and faith that I need to wake up every day and be the best me that I can be.

Accidental Adventure

                So I promised adventures and fun and without even trying I found myself in a situation worthy to write about. It all starts off as fun and games and then out of no where I find myself in less desirable situations. Like any other great adventure this started with a normal day. I got up and went to work and had a super boring work day. I went home and did some ab workouts (My new fitness plan in action) and then got ready to go to my cousin’s house. As soon as I got into the car I put on some good music to keep me pumped and put on my sunglasses. I was feeling pretty good and ready to go. Well as I was driving down the road about three minutes from my house I ended up behind this car, an older green Honda civic. He had kinda pulled out in front of me and so I was pleasantly surprised when instead of pulling out and slowing down he kept the pace up and we were good. As we are coming up to a light it turns yellow and he is not slowing down…at all so I am thinking yes! Let’s team work this and make it through this yellow light to keep going. I totally thought we were on the same page. I was dead wrong and actually almost dead by the time I realized it. He hits his brakes at the last second and I hit mine but mine are not new…at all. My tires literally did the squealing, smoking, skidding thing that you always see in movies and still even with my foot pushed all the way down I was not slowing down nearly enough. The only thing I could think of was ‘I am going to smash into this car.’ I am ashamed to say that Jesus was not the first thing I screamed. I will actually not repeat for all of my polite company what I screamed. Lets just say that afterwards I was thinking ‘yeah girl you better get prayed up cause you cant even testify that you called on the name of Jesus and he saved you, you cant even repeat what you just said within a ten mile radius of the church.’ I am not proud at all but hey! I was protected anyway cause here I am still alive and not in a neck brace. Somehow and I am not sure why but that stupid green Honda kinda moved up just as I was coming up to it. Obviously as my foot was smashing the brake down and I was screaming obscenities I was still slowing down and coming to a stop, I just knew that stop wouldn’t quite happen before my car and his car got all intimate. I would like to blame my car for this one, it sees Hondas and wants to be all close to them just because it was used to being in close proximity with my husbands car (also a Honda). I guess my car is all lonely and likes the look of Hondas cause it was going at that one like they were besties that needed to hug. Uggh! My hussy of a car is gonna have to learn that we cant chase all boys in Hondas and force ourselves on them. I guess this was a lesson learned for both of us ;) Well like I said somehow that Honda moved up a little bit. I am not sure if it was cause the guy heard my tires squealing or, if he kinda let up on the brake and just moved that few inches or, if he saw my wild crazy eyes in his rear view mirror. I guess I don’t care what the reason was I am just thankful because that saved me from injury, insurance problems, rental cars, telling my dad…all of those things that I hate dealing with. Well the light turns green and I realize that I am shaking so bad I can barely get my foot off of the brake enough to start going again. The music is still blasting but I realize that my phone had flown forward and hit me in the ankle and my hands are shaking and I am just like OMG go back home. I did not go back home. I pulled myself together and gave my car the worth the wait talk (you know its worth to wait at a red light rather than run a yellow light hehe) and continued on to my cousins house. Well I got there and it was smooth sailing. I had a good time and some yummy, healthy food, and we walked, and I got to see two super cute babies and it was just a nice night. I was over my near accident and thinking going home would be easy peesy. I knew where I was, knew how to get home and I figured less traffic would mean less hazard. Why am I always so wrong about everything??? I am heading home and realize I missed my ramp onto 590 and I am still driving on 490, no biggie I got this. I can continue on 490 to get to 390 and still get home. Yeah well maybe my music was blaring and maybe my window was down and maybe I was lost in my thoughts but whatever it was I got distracted again. I was not over far enough and as I realized the lane I am in is going towards some exit for downtown and not continuing on 490 it was too late and I was in the heart of downtown…in the dark. I can’t see that good in the dark but I was not worried yet. I know downtown a little and I figured I can get to a familiar place and still get home. Plus they are taping spider-man downtown! I thought maybe I would see something fun and so instead of scared I was pretty excited. I should not have been excited. I did not see anything remotely spider-man movie making. Nothing really seems super familiar to me in the dark and the people walking around downtown at night kinda blend in with the darkness if you know what I mean. I am driving slowly to try and see where I am and also so I don’t have vehicular manslaughter on my record. Then I realize I am driving slowly downtown with my music loud and my window down and my door unlocked, alone. I was not panicked yet, I mean I grew up in the city I can rock this better than any super girly white chick I know! Yeah, not so much. I could not seem to find a familiar place at all and so like any smart person I decided to just keep going straight. I headed out of the downtown area and into the city and I started getting a little nervous. I mean I totally knew that I could have pulled over and turned around at any point but that felt scary. I didn’t want to pull over anywhere! So I just kept going and I was looking at all the street signs hoping to God that my memory would be triggered and I would be like oh ok I can get home from here. Well the first street sign that I saw that sparked my memory was AVE D. It didn’t spark my memory like ‘oh I know this place’ it was more like ‘oh God I have heard of this place and now I am going to be gang raped and die’!!! Now to be fair I am not sure how bad this neighborhood actually is, I have only heard people say the street name in a very negative tone. This is when I got petrified! I had no one to call, who am I going to call and say “hey so don’t worry cause im fine but how do I get home from Avenue D”? Everyone I know would have asked a million questions or have been shocked or wondered if I was losing my mind and even though I was a little scared (or a lot ) I had to get myself home. I turned my music waaay down, rolled up the window and locked the door. I hit that lock button like seven times so I was definitely locked in. I just kept going straight for a while and then the area started to look a little more familiar. Then I realized why and I was feeling a little nervous for a whole different reason. The things is I saw some sign for 104 and I was psyched and so I kept going that way but from the way I came I was definitely headed that way in the area where my husband had moved to. I did not see his house or even look for it and I don’t think I was on his street at any point but uh…I was definitely in that area. It was almost ten at night and I had no reason on earth to be in that neighborhood and I knew if he or anyone who knows me had seen my car driving through that area I would have some explaining to do! I mean I was already scared and trying to get home and now without even knowing it I could have become a stalker. Please believe I never ever do that. I hate the thought of driving by the house he moved into to get away from me. I am the opposite of a stalker in that regard. I purposely stay away from that whole area. The only reason I even know remotely where he lives is because one time I had to take him home and even then I tried to erase the sight of that from my brain. So at that point I sped. I freaking hit the gas and sped towards 104. I finally got there and got to ridge road and then I was golden. Sure I had gone an hour out of my way to get home but I was finally going home. After that the adventure pretty much ended. I got home and showered and collapsed into bed. When I woke up this morning I made a conscious decision to have a low key day. I am staying in my area and I will take a nice relaxing walk in a nature park and then go home and get ready for church. I have to keep the adventures at a minimum for a few days because neither my heart nor my car can handle that kind of excitement every single day. Adventure #1 was a success! I made it out alive and I am still pretty and that’s good enough for me ♥♥♥