What's going on in my head today...Yikes

                TGIF!! I am actually pretty psyched that I made it through another week without A) killing anyone and B) messing up my fitness plan ♥ I feel like I have been doing pretty good in those areas…mainly because I want to be pretty sexy and also because killing people is against the law ;) So starting this week I started to regain some of the anxiety that I thought I was finally over. This really has nothing to do with my husband or any of our marital issues (although I am sure that as a background does not help) and it has to do with me. I feel overwhelmed by all the things that I want to accomplish and on top of that there are other extra things happening. My brain works something like this… ‘I have to work out Saturday, but I told my younger sister we could hang out for a while, but I have to make my mom a cake…omg I have to go to the store. I have no money! My cell bill is due, I need to work out and eat less, I wonder how long I am gonna be with my mom on Sunday so I can also make time for my mother in law? I can’t breathe…I am panicking. I’m so tired and I just want to sleep in on Saturday but I have to work out and I won’t have time to make a cake and work out and hang out with my sister in the morning…’ yeah so that’s how it goes until I am usually hyperventilating and then I realize that’s only like four thing I have to accomplish and I can go to the store tonight and get my cards and cake mix and the cake doesn’t have to be baked in the morning and I don’t have to work out in the morning. You know what is important? Getting my butt up and praying because if I can just pray and talk to God and know that he is holding me then nothing else matters. I am pretty adept at rolling with the punches, I don’t like to live like that and it can be uncomfortable but honestly I have a big God and he has never left me and he will not. This is something that I have to remind myself of daily because I am my biggest problem. Mostly I make the problems for myself but panicking over things that are just not in my control. So once again today and probably not for the first time today I am taking a deep breath and letting it go and asking God for help.

                Secondly have you ever heard people say that they don’t want their funerals to be sad or depressing and that they want it to be a celebration of the life lived…anyone who comes to my funeral better be balling. If I die young or if the rapture doesn’t come before I live a full long life and I have to have a funeral y’all better be losing your minds with grief! LOL JK…kind of. I mean I don’t want anyone suicidal over it and I know that over time you will forget me but my funeral is the last day about me and I want people mourning the loss of someone so wonderful. My oldest sister actually knows certain specifics I have about my funeral if I die young so she has to be in charge of that. If I die when I am old I guess I don’t really even care. Honestly if I make it to at least 75 (I prefer 100) then I don’t care too much how people mourn. If I have kids and a surviving spouse then I want them to be upset but old people die…that’s the way it goes so mainly I want it to be devastating if I die young. I know this is a morbid topic but honestly sometimes I imagine myself being hit by a car as I walk out into a parking lot and I always imagine myself as a young woman when that happens. I just feel like if I were going to die young I want people at my funeral in black and the women wearing those hats with the netted veils and those finger-less lace gloves and strands of pearls and tears streaming down their faces and the men in suits with handkerchiefs. I guess I kind of imagine a dark and romantic funeral for myself haha. I am pretty sure I will be convicted about that at some point because for us death is nothing. We live forever…but I am not super dramatic and this would be one heck of a way to send me off. Ok lets be real…if any of you have ever seen the music video for the song “Helena” by My Chemical Romance (totally not recommending this, just saying if you know what I’m talking about then you get this) then that is kind of the look I am going for. I know my brain is a hot mess because yes I have thought about this and yes I have put waaay too much thought into this so, I will move on now.

                I was going to put something about my mom in this post but it feels weird doing that right after discussing my funeral so I am going to do a separate post about that. Today I am going to be thankful on purpose. Knowing what you have and realizing your blessings is the remedy for overcoming stress and fear. I can be worried for what I don’t have or what I am unsure of or I can be so thankful for what I do have and what I know is true. Today I am living thankfully!