Last week was overall not my best week for working out
and eating great and although by Thursday I was getting back in the game, I did
not really love it anymore and I felt FAT! I tell ya, a girl takes like two
days off from her routine and her whole life just ends. For a few days I even
thought that since I am going to be fat anyways I should just keep eating like
the human garbage can…luckily I didn’t follow through with that thought and I continued
to make healthier (not always fully healthy but definitely healthier) choices. I
mean I got frozen yogurt instead of ice cream but I did that both Friday and Saturday.
I was intent that I would just eat better and healthier and not necessarily
worry about the calorie count as long as I was getting nutrition…this worked up
until yesterday. Yesterday I decided that I had to do more! I had to get myself
actually losing the weight and not just maintaining…I really love food guys! I
am not kidding knowing that I am eating healthier and now cutting back on
calories actually makes me sad. I feel a little depressed and I know that
mentally this is gonna be even worse. It’s a bikini or brownies and I want to
choose the brownies, at least I tell myself I do until I get naked that night
and then I want to throw up the brownies. Even Sunday night I was battling and I
didn’t eat consistently enough so by nine at night I was sitting in my friend’s
living room…starving! When I left there about quarter to ten I was driving home
telling myself that this is not worth it. I need to eat to be happy and nice to
people and I need to eat whatever I want in the moment and so I admit I failed Sunday
night. It was a huge fail! Like a McDonald’s sized fail. So not only did I eat
McDonalds but I got the soda and fries with it and I ate it at like 10:00pm!! Oh
my goodness I did not even feel too bad about it, I was feeling so tired and
hungry and like my working out wasn’t making a difference anyway. I was hoping
that my motivation to be sexy and healthy would come back but I figured if it didn’t
I would just be a fat girl. I am not even kidding when I say that I started to
imagine my life as more of a plus sized girl and how I would have to find a guy
who liked chubby girls. The thought didn’t even make me shudder…until Monday morning.
I woke up and I somehow felt like my motivation was back! I had my lunch packed
and ready to go and it was a lot of smaller, healthier snacks. I was so
psyched! Then I remembered my relapse from the night before and I was like
uggh! NOOO!!! So it was then I decided that I needed even more discipline and a
little more critical motivation in the right direction. I downloaded My Fitness
Pal…for like the 10th time. Every time that I decide to lose weight I
download this thing and it demotivates (not even a word but it describes what I
mean in the best way) me. It sucks the motivation and happiness right out of my
life and people swear by this thing and it makes me sick. It counts every
single tiny little calorie you put into your body and the minute you go over
you feel like you have disappointed the whole world. It makes you feel like the
fattest fatty in the world and follows that up by a summary of your day.
Seriously it says ‘if you eat like this everyday then you will be X amount of
pounds by whatever date. Now this is meant to encourage you but when it tells
you that by the way you are eating and how much you exercise you will lose 5
pounds in two months it actually does the opposite. It encourages you to commit
suicide and makes you feel psychologically that you should not only kill
yourself but that you should order a plus sized coffin. I am not even sure that
“plus sized coffins” are a thing but it cant be one size fits all. I watched a
documentary on a 900 pound woman that dies while having surgery to lose weight.
She definitely didn’t go in a standard coffin. So yeah, I am not a fan. Well I am
also not a fan of being fat and someday really having to be buried in a plus
sized coffin so I downloaded it again. I watched that little app load and I felt
a deep loathing but also a lot of fear. This thing makes a liar out of me…I want
to lie to it so that it tell me I’ll be smaller a lot faster. I want to pretend
I did not eat everything I ate and I don’t want to add in calories for
condiments, it’s not fair to count something like that. There is only one way
to use that stupid, somewhat helpful, mostly depressing app, and that is the
right way. I realize that’s its whole intent and purpose is to help you realize
what you are eating and what you are burning and to get that at least well
balanced so you are not consuming more calories than you can manage to burn
off. I am going to stick to this little plan and help myself really lose
weight. Yeah, I wanna be healthy but I also have a goal weight and I need to
tweak my lifestyle just a little bit more so that I can get there. Yesterday was
good and today has been good as well. Last night I did a 3.5 mile power walk
and I would like to do another 2-3 again tonight. I would say jog but that is a
lie. Jogging hurts my legs (lower legs) in a way that I am pretty sure is not a
healthy burn and more of a you’re not wearing the right shoes kind of way, or a
you’re too fat for your legs to hold you up kind of way. LOL either way it’s a sucky
feeling but I will tell you that after last night in the park I am more willing
to go buy good shoes and do what I need to do to at least be a decent jogger. Two
things happened that left me in awe and wonder and it all started off like
this:
Last weekend or actually the one before
that on Friday it rained on and off all day! I was so disappointed because I was
still really motivated to get out and do my jogging and I could not do it in
the park if it was pouring. Well when I left work there was a break in the rain
and I was like ‘yeah! I am totally going right to the park and getting this jog
in before it rains again.’ Big mistake! I should have known…I got to the park
and no one else was there…there is always at least one other car in the parking
lot and usually a few more people who are riding their bikes. There was no one
at all. At first this actually made me happy because I hate feeling like I am
working out around other people. I totally know that they are judging me and
that they can see my stuff jiggle all over and it makes me so uncomfortable. Well
I started strong and was coming around to the side of the trail with the pond
and my luck changed. I had my headphones in and I was just truckin’ along and
suddenly I passed the geese. I am not one of those people who are afraid of
geese but as I walked by them I heard a horrible hissing sound, mind you this
was over the sound of my loud music blaring right into my ears. Apparently my
being the only human in the park made that goose uncomfortable and she was
freaking out! I say “she” because she was surrounded by cute fuzzy baby geese
and she was in protective mother mode. I didn’t want to run and startle her
into an attack but I also didn’t want to just stroll past and give her the
chance to come at me. I just started saying “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” as I walked
by and hoped that what they say about us having dominion over the animals was
true. I got away from the geese and right there decided that round two was not
going to be anywhere near the pond. I would stick to the more wooded area and
just do that part twice. So I was almost to the safe wooded area when it
started to rain. Yeah, the rest of the world knew not to go to the park and I was
all like ‘nope still doing it’! This is how much of my life goes. I figured I would
keep going since in the woods the trees would be covering a lot of the area and
the rain wouldn’t hit as hard. I felt really proud of myself for being so
determined even though I now had two signs that I should go home. I was walking
along and look up to realize that about three feet in front of me are two deer,
females, and they are just staring at me. Obviously I was not paying good
enough attention because I almost came right up on them. I figured that deer
are gentle creatures and I could pass them without a problem. I walked towards
them and the one deer took a step at me like a challenge!!! Oh My Goodness
Gracious! I finally just decided to take a hint and turn around with my heart
pounding and my legs shaking! So last night when I was heading to the park I kinda
got nervous. The animals do not like me!! It was a beautiful night and I expected
that there would be others there so I still went but I was a little
apprehensive. Well let me tell you happily, last night went beautifully. Like I
said I did my 3.5 miles and I felt great! I also saw two people jogging along
side each other and actually having a conversation…that was my first awwww
moment. I am not even jogging and I am breathing too heavily to even really say
hi as I pass other people. I must say it did not make me feel like a fail and
it was more inspiring. I want to get there! I want to be able to be seriously
moving and be able to talk. Ok so second amazing thing, a man. Haha I am not
even kidding. This guy ran past me and I was like ‘oh baby, baby’! yeah he was
a runner and he was serious, like with the gear serious but he was so hot!
Sweat on him didn’t look horrible it was that glistening, manly look. So yeah I
spent the next mile or so thinking about him and purposely bouncing as I walked
to get that cute pony tail bounce going in case he came up on me again. Well when
I didn’t see him I figured he was done and gone and so I am standing at the end
of this branch off trail kind of stalking because I noticed that it ended at an
entrance to a neighborhood and that just amused me. I was standing there trying
to figure out if it was a private community and someone came up behind me and
startled me. Before I could realize it was my running lover, I screeched. I mean
he scared me coming up like that out of nowhere. Well he was gracious and
apologized and even touched my arm apologetically. I was in my element! So yes
last night was a super awesome experience. I will keep moving forward ☺
OMG! I was laughing so hard.
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