Have you ever had soemone tell you that the decisions that they make are not about you and that it has nothing to do with you and just like that magically you should feel all better about what you know is wrong? Have you ever struggled so hard with someone's decisions because you do feel like although it is not directly related to you it will affect you? This is something that I have been living with for the past few months and it is making me crazy. I do not want it anymore and by it I mean I do not want the resposibility or stress of your decisions bad or good. I want to live my life the way I know is right and not have anything questionable that could eventually hurt me. It is so hard for me to let this go because what the people that you love do can really end up hurting you too. I can honestly say that I am sick and my heart is broken and I do not want to live like that anymore. How about when someone is sitting there telling you that what they are doing is ok and it's fine and all that you can think is...if it's hurting me then how is it ok? If you look at me and you see that I am broken and I am scared and I am hurting because of what you are doing then please tell me how it is not my problem?? It is! When people are careless with your heart and your life but they are supposed to be protecting you and loving you it makes you feel worthless and alone. It makes me question everything because I want to know why I was not important enough to make you think twice before you said something and did things that ripped me apart? Why did it not matter how I felt? Why am I not good enough for you to love so much that you would do whatever you had to do to make this relationship better? Will I never be enough for you? Are we ever going to be ok? There are things that have happened recently that have hurt worse than anything I have ever felt in my entire life and I have been lied to and cheated on and betrayed before so you think that would have been the worst thing. It's not. Giving your all to someone and expecting them to give back and then getting nothing is worse. Thinking that someone has your back and then realizing your fighting your battles alone can tear you apart. The saddest part in all of this is I can only blame me because I was putting my identity in this and now that it's been blown apart I really feel like I am nothing...or at the very least I am a shattered broken piece of what I used to be. I guess that means its time to change for me. Like I said when I started this post...I am done with living other people's lives and feeling like everytime they make a mistake I have to be that much stronger to fix it. So to anyone in my life that I have this issues with I want to say: I cannot fix you, I cannot heal you, and I certainly cannot save you. There is a freedom that comes in that because even though I want to and I am afraid that if I don't do it for you then you won't get to a place where it can happen; I am wrong in thinking that I ever could and I was hurting myself the most by allowing myself to believe that I could. This does not mean that I do not love you completely and that I would not do whatever I can to help you and support you and be the one that gives it all up to make you happy but I am taking my hands off of your life. I am going to finally let go of you in the way where I feel like I own you and I will pray everyday that when you wake up you live the right way and that you make your decisions knowing that they do not just affect you. The things that you say and the things that you do will impact people either positively or negatively and I hope for you that you do not affect people in a negative way that would cause them pain or heartache. I want the best in life for you and I always will.
Having said all of that let me say that I think many people are dealing with these types of issues whether it be with husbands, wives, parents, children, friends, etc. I know that obvioulsy when you have young children you do shape them and help them learn right from wrong but when you are dealing with adults you cannot live their life. It is not good for them and it is even worse for you. Let it go.
