Ok so aybe it is just me but there is something bad that happens to me mentally when I am trying to get physically in shape. I mentioned in my last blog that I would update my blog and tell all of you readers bow its been going so here it is:
My first day was last tuesday the 7th and it started off bad and almost ruined me. I went home and changed my clothes and headed straight for the gym. I was very enthused and ready to go and I burst into the room only to find that all of the machines were being used and on top of that everyone in the gym room just stared at me. I stood there for about 30 seconds and all of my enthusiasm drained away. I had to head home defeated and tell my usband that I couldnt even get on a treadmill and that just made me grumpy. Now mind you my husband has off from work on tuesdays so he was home and had been expecting me gone for at least 30 minutes. By the time I stomped back up the stairs to my apartment i was fuming at the world! How dare tehy ruin my plans to get in shape and be healthy and sexy! The people in the gym were all middle aged and just taking up space lol! at least in my mind I deserved to be there way more. When I got home I immediately started whining to my husband about not being able to work out and of course he had all of these suggestions none of which worked for me. I told him that I would wait until he left and then jsut do things at home. When he left I still sat on my couch pouting and thinking horrible thoughts about what a waste of time this was. I will never have the body I want and I will never be good enough and I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep and I want to eat whatever i want without counting he calories....on and on my misery went until I thought about the real reason I had started this. I ws doing this to be healthy not be a crazed maniac. So i got my butt off of the the couch and I did my workout. it was only about 30 minutes long and did not even involve alot of cardio and yet when I got done I could barely breathe and I was all red faced. I felt like I was going to throw up and I was even more grumpy than before. This was not at all how I pictured things going and it killed my attitude and any drive I had. i stood in the shower and balled because after putting myself through hell when I looked in the mirror I still hated what I saw. Luckily my husband was not home for any of this or he would have had me locked up for sure. Miraculously the next morning I woke up sore and that cured me. i finally realized that I had done something and that my body was feeling it. It renewed my desire to do the work out and to eat better. So the next day I did it again this time actually gping outside to jog and walk and ever since it has been going well and I have been doing good in eating and mentally i felt fine and happy...until today. I am tired today and its wednesday which means that it is a work out day for me but I do not want to do it. I did not last night because it was a night off for me and it was valentines and today I am thinking that I just want to relax and lay down. This may ahve something to do with the fact that I have my period but I am just not feeling the whole workout thing. I am determined to do something but I am not committing to a full routine today. I do not want to be coe one of those psychotic poeple who panic when they can't do what they feel like they need to do. You see last night I didn't eat so good because my husband made dinner for me and I made brownies and we had ice cream and today I feel fat and disgusting and sluggish. I shouldn't have to freak out if I have a treat or if I go over my allotted 1200 calories.I do not want this to be an obsession. I do want this to work out for me but if my pace is not meeting peoples expectations I do not want to feel like a failure. I am hoping that my physical and mental health will come together and that I will be just fine. Today I am going to hang out with a friend and just chat and I think that will do wonders for my mental stability. Also she has been through this whole workout ordeal and I know that she will have advice and wisdom. Any ideas or comments on how to get over this blah attitude would be greatly appreciated.
2.15.2012
2.06.2012
Workout Worries
I have decided that I want to start working out. I want a good body, although it may never be model worthy, and I want to be and feel healthy. When I get pregnant I want to already be practicing good habits and I want to be in shape. I think that I will feel better during pregnancy if I start being active now and keep that going. Plus I want my husband to LOVE and yeah LUST for my body. I mean he is my husband its not like I would be causing him to sin ;) I am not saying that he doesn't already but I know I can get better and I know that he will absolutely appreciate it. I have been drinking a butt load...or would that be bladder load...of water. I have also been peeing like a pregnant woman! I can't stop there. I have also been trying to make healthier choices in my meal decisions. I will admit that is going about 40% well lol! The other 60% is going to get whipped into submission. The first time I lost weight I did it the more popular and extremely dangerous way. I worked out a little and ate even less. I literally cut my food intake by half and changed what I did eat. It worked! I lost weight and I got some attention that I had been seeking. I wasn't married back then and I was young and being healthy was right below being beautiful on my list of priorities. I managed to keep the weight off too but I also didn't feel energized or super great...that didn't matter back then. Years later after promising myself that I would work out and eat, but eat healthy over and over I have finally decided on it. I have a determination and mostly because I know that shortly my husband and I want to start a family. I want my body to be at its best so that I can provide a healthy habitat for my future lima bean (reference to another post). So I have turned to the person I trust the most who has experience in this area, my husband! Now we are talking about a man that used to do hardcore workouts daily, I am not there yet! So he finally writes my workout and then zips off to redbox. I sit on the couch to check out my new activities and I am staring in fear! I swear he wrote down every exercise he knows! For example: CARDIO- Speed Walk, Jog, Run. ARMS- Curls, Tricep Extensions, Dips, and Push ups....the list goes on for all of my body! I don't even know what most of these are! It is an evil list! The list of my undoing! I am doomed! Why did I ever go to the freakin muscle man for a workout???
I have had about seven conversations with myself and now he is home and I cautiously approached him about it. He said something about me pushing myself in everything I do and I was like "I can"! Let me tell you that when I am doing his workout its going to be more like the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Well darn it I think that I can. I am going to give it my best shot. I am sure you, my faithful reader, will be having some interesting stories to come. My game plan is to start tomorrow and if my arms aren't broken you should have an update in a day or two. I will just tell myself this is for the healthy future of my babies and my sex life and that will be my motivation.
I have had about seven conversations with myself and now he is home and I cautiously approached him about it. He said something about me pushing myself in everything I do and I was like "I can"! Let me tell you that when I am doing his workout its going to be more like the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Well darn it I think that I can. I am going to give it my best shot. I am sure you, my faithful reader, will be having some interesting stories to come. My game plan is to start tomorrow and if my arms aren't broken you should have an update in a day or two. I will just tell myself this is for the healthy future of my babies and my sex life and that will be my motivation.
2.04.2012
Life...is not what I thought it was
To anyone reading this blog, I am forewarning you. The subject I am speaking on is somewhat delicate and involves a prostitute and some of my family members. This blog is my own view on my life and my revelation and we live in America so I have the freedom to feel and say whatever I want (at least for now) ;) If you feel uncomfortable in any way do not read it and honestly if truth makes you uncomfortable you should probably delete my blog from your list. For anyone whose interest was sparked read on...
Today I went to my parents house to see my sister and get her help and expert advice on Valentines Day card making. The house is always somewhat chaotic with at least 3 young children there at all times. Today was no different and in fact it was the first time in a long time kids and loud noises didn't just irritate me. The little princess (Eva) is sick and my sister is currently without a car. She took mine and I stayed with my parents and the kids while she went to get medicine. Unfortunately Wal-Mart during the first week of month on super bowl weekend meant the thirty minute trip took two hours. During this two hours something happened. Let me give you a quick run down on my uncle's recent activity so you can better understand the story. In the past year or more, I believe it has been longer, he left his family, started dating a prostitute he met, and was no longer hush hush about his various addictions. I have felt disgusted for my aunt and cousins and just disturbed that a man who called himself a man of God could go that low. Let me just interject a belief of mine...at your lowest you are in the best position to be rescued. I haven't thought of it that way at all until now. I felt simply disgusted. He had a family! He broke their hearts and tore that family apart for a woman who made money by doing various acts of intimacy with many, many men. I would shudder and be repulsed just thinking about it. I would speak out in anger when someone mentioned it and I didn't want her near me or my family. Without even meeting this woman I had her branded and hell bound. My life is no cake walk and my attitude just sucks most of the time but I am a faithful wife and I couldn't imagine a man leaving a faithful wife for something so broken. I still do not understand and I never want to have to know that feeling. I talk so much about unconditional love and true love and not judging people and yet I never had to put it to practice with someone that I didn't know. As I write this there are literally tears in my eyes because something in me is finally breaking and finally realizing.
My uncle and who, until today I referred to as the prostitute that ruined my cousins lives, showed up at my parents. She sat in the car while my uncle came in. He looked skinny to me and beat down and I stared at the man who's house I had grown up in. He is not that man anymore. He was hungry, almost starved and they had no money so he was picking up some things my dad was holding for him and he was going to pawn it. He said for gas and food but it could have been drugs and cigarettes. I don't even care what it is anymore. Him and my dad talked and went from the garage to the house getting things ready. When they came back in my dad said that my uncles girlfriend wouldn't come in. She didn't feel comfortable. After all we were the family of the people who's home was wrecked. When my dad said she wouldn't come in I didn't even feel relieved I felt broken. I felt what she must feel every day of her life. Drugs and sex are not who she is, it is what she does because she is bound by sin. It's no different than the pretty girl who drinks all night with her friends and has sex with many boys but who holds a normal job and lives a seemingly happy life. The only difference is that this woman chose prostitution as her way to get money for her next fix and so they labeled her with the name 'Prostitute.' My dad asked me to get my uncle some food while they finished up in the garage and before I could stop myself I said "What should I make for...." I am not going to write her name on here. I don't think that's important after all I don't have their permission to write this so some anonymity is probably necessary. My uncle just said that if I didn't mind making two of what he was having then she might eat that. I fully expected them to take it out to the car for her but God knows. She came into the house a few minutes later cautiously and with no reserve I went up to her and welcomed her into the house. She didn't even look that old and she just started going on and on about how beautiful my parents house was and how much she adored my niece and nephews. Whatever I expected from a prostitute was not what I saw. Now I obviously know that they are human but I never pictured them as people. Sure she has scars, wounds even and she is broken. That's ok with me because that just means she can be fixed and rescued. Her and my uncle both. My dad said that when they were leaving she kept saying how nice we were. I would much rather that than her having had to sit in the car eating a bowl of chili alone. God knows what he is doing and I am going with that rather than my own self justified ideas. I'm not saying that God made my uncle mess up his families life so a prostitute had a chance to meet Jesus. I am saying that God can make any situation into something good and perfect. Now my uncle and his girlfriend and my aunt and my cousins have a chance to finally be saved. They all already thought they were and yes God can have mercy on anyone he chooses but now I believe that they have an even greater chance to get what they really need.
I do not ever want to look at a person at just assume I know their life story. How can I know what hurts and fears a person has, I can't. How can I know why they live the way they do? Today I learned something about myself. I learned something about a woman that I had pre judged. We all want love but more than that we all need love.
Today I went to my parents house to see my sister and get her help and expert advice on Valentines Day card making. The house is always somewhat chaotic with at least 3 young children there at all times. Today was no different and in fact it was the first time in a long time kids and loud noises didn't just irritate me. The little princess (Eva) is sick and my sister is currently without a car. She took mine and I stayed with my parents and the kids while she went to get medicine. Unfortunately Wal-Mart during the first week of month on super bowl weekend meant the thirty minute trip took two hours. During this two hours something happened. Let me give you a quick run down on my uncle's recent activity so you can better understand the story. In the past year or more, I believe it has been longer, he left his family, started dating a prostitute he met, and was no longer hush hush about his various addictions. I have felt disgusted for my aunt and cousins and just disturbed that a man who called himself a man of God could go that low. Let me just interject a belief of mine...at your lowest you are in the best position to be rescued. I haven't thought of it that way at all until now. I felt simply disgusted. He had a family! He broke their hearts and tore that family apart for a woman who made money by doing various acts of intimacy with many, many men. I would shudder and be repulsed just thinking about it. I would speak out in anger when someone mentioned it and I didn't want her near me or my family. Without even meeting this woman I had her branded and hell bound. My life is no cake walk and my attitude just sucks most of the time but I am a faithful wife and I couldn't imagine a man leaving a faithful wife for something so broken. I still do not understand and I never want to have to know that feeling. I talk so much about unconditional love and true love and not judging people and yet I never had to put it to practice with someone that I didn't know. As I write this there are literally tears in my eyes because something in me is finally breaking and finally realizing.
My uncle and who, until today I referred to as the prostitute that ruined my cousins lives, showed up at my parents. She sat in the car while my uncle came in. He looked skinny to me and beat down and I stared at the man who's house I had grown up in. He is not that man anymore. He was hungry, almost starved and they had no money so he was picking up some things my dad was holding for him and he was going to pawn it. He said for gas and food but it could have been drugs and cigarettes. I don't even care what it is anymore. Him and my dad talked and went from the garage to the house getting things ready. When they came back in my dad said that my uncles girlfriend wouldn't come in. She didn't feel comfortable. After all we were the family of the people who's home was wrecked. When my dad said she wouldn't come in I didn't even feel relieved I felt broken. I felt what she must feel every day of her life. Drugs and sex are not who she is, it is what she does because she is bound by sin. It's no different than the pretty girl who drinks all night with her friends and has sex with many boys but who holds a normal job and lives a seemingly happy life. The only difference is that this woman chose prostitution as her way to get money for her next fix and so they labeled her with the name 'Prostitute.' My dad asked me to get my uncle some food while they finished up in the garage and before I could stop myself I said "What should I make for...." I am not going to write her name on here. I don't think that's important after all I don't have their permission to write this so some anonymity is probably necessary. My uncle just said that if I didn't mind making two of what he was having then she might eat that. I fully expected them to take it out to the car for her but God knows. She came into the house a few minutes later cautiously and with no reserve I went up to her and welcomed her into the house. She didn't even look that old and she just started going on and on about how beautiful my parents house was and how much she adored my niece and nephews. Whatever I expected from a prostitute was not what I saw. Now I obviously know that they are human but I never pictured them as people. Sure she has scars, wounds even and she is broken. That's ok with me because that just means she can be fixed and rescued. Her and my uncle both. My dad said that when they were leaving she kept saying how nice we were. I would much rather that than her having had to sit in the car eating a bowl of chili alone. God knows what he is doing and I am going with that rather than my own self justified ideas. I'm not saying that God made my uncle mess up his families life so a prostitute had a chance to meet Jesus. I am saying that God can make any situation into something good and perfect. Now my uncle and his girlfriend and my aunt and my cousins have a chance to finally be saved. They all already thought they were and yes God can have mercy on anyone he chooses but now I believe that they have an even greater chance to get what they really need.
I do not ever want to look at a person at just assume I know their life story. How can I know what hurts and fears a person has, I can't. How can I know why they live the way they do? Today I learned something about myself. I learned something about a woman that I had pre judged. We all want love but more than that we all need love.
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