Looking Back

I was just looking over my posts from last year because I wanted to see where I was a year ago and what has changed in my life. Alot has changed. I do not like to look back very often because you cannot change the past and there are no such things and do overs in life. When I see the changes it breaks my heart and hurts a little bit but as I looked at some of my past posts I was so relieved to find that I am a much better person than I was a year ago. I have grown up alot and have learned lessons in life and love that I may have not wanted to learn but that helped me grow. When I look back I see how small and unimportant I felt most of the time and how I never felt like I measured up. I was trying to be the standard of woman that I thought people wanted and not realizing my potential was so much more! I did so many things that I am not proud of to try to keep people in my life and to keep things the way I thought they should be. I am still learning and still healing but I am so different from who I was then. I am so thankful for all the people who have really stood by me and helped me through this past year. All of my family and alot of friends. I have an entire church family who has fought many of my battles with me by praying. My life is not what I though it would be and so many of my plans and my dreams were shot down but I am finally realizing that it is all ok. My goals and my aspirations are nothing if they are not backed by God and I want to do what he wants me to do and be who he wants me to be so that I have no identity in what I think I should be. I still believe in love and life and fighting for the people you love and being completely right, no one has been able to steal that from me. I know what is right and when I don't know, I know how to find out. I look at areas of my life and start to perceive them as incomplete when thats just not true. My life is good. My life is perfect.

Stop Trying

Lately I have heard over and over again that people are trying...or in some cases not trying. This train of thought seems to be more damaging to people than actually helpful. I have thought about this a lot and have wondered if I am just being judgmental or if I am not giving people enough credit for what they are doing but that is the problem. People are so busy trying that they have completely stopped doing. I have come to realize that in my own life I am no longer trying and I am just doing. I was not given the choice to just try. It was literally do or die. Telling someone you are trying is a safety net for you. When you are doing something that you think is wrong and you are telling people that you are trying to do what is right...that is a cop out. You are not supposed to try to be right. You are either right or you are wrong. I have had people tell me that they are "not trying" to hurt me, scare me, tell me what to do. You do not try not to hurt someone you just don't do it. You do not try to do anything, you do it. Even if you do it and it was a failed attempt just do it. Recently I have had someone tell me that they were trying and that just by telling me that they were going to try was them trying. That person almost got a  knife stuck in the jugular. That was the worst cop out that I have ever heard in my entire life and it showed what kind of coward I was dealing with. It also showed me that I had no desire to try. If that is what trying is all about then I want no part of it. Trying is for cowards. Doing is for those of us fight the battle for real. If you are not ready to fight the battle then go home and hide under your covers. If you want to come to war with me do not even say the word try. I do not want to die because you are trying. Stop trying and start doing.

Girl on Fire

I want to be a girl on fire...or woman, I'm not picky. I just know that I do not want to be sad and alone and pushed into a corner. I know that I want people to look at me and see that life has not knocked me down. I know that I am strong and I know that I am a survivor but I want to be so much more. I am not just referring to the fact that I want my physical to be super hot although I am taking steps in that direction ;) I am saying that I am so much more than what you see. In the past few months I have been told things and seen things that could have destroyed me but they did not. In the past week I have lost someone that I thought would stand by my side no matter what and that could have destroyed me but it did not. I am on fire and I am coming up stronger and better than ever. Because of the situations I am dealing with I am becoming a new me. The new me is not angry or mean or depressed. The new me is beautiful and strong and the new me has faith that the old me could never know. I want to be new everyday and by new I will be better everyday. I am not doing this on my, I am nothing on my own but the power that I have is amazing and it is life changing. I am not keeping it to myself and I am ready to change other people's lives. Everyone around me is going to be influenced in one direction or the other, my influence is going to be positive. I know what love is and I have experienced it over and over and I believe in it. I believe that love can change any situation for both people involved. If I love you or have loved you then you will never be the same. I believe in kindness and charity and hope even when it looks like someone does not deserve it. Life has never been more beautiful to me and there have never been more opportunities to love and live completely. So much is changing all around me and all of it is for the better. I am ready for life and I am ready to live it fully. I know in whom I have believed and I know what my destiny is. I know that in the end I win! So when I say I want to be a girl on fire and that I want to set the world on fire I know that I can. I have been given the ability and there is nothing stopping me.

You Do Not Know How Strong You Are Until You Have To Be Strong.

I read that quote somewhere recently and I could never have understood that better than I do now. I have come to realize that there are things that seem like the end of the world but, they will not kill me. I have dealt with issues that I would never have imagined that I would deal with. This has been the hardest six months of my life without a doubt, some of the things that I have heard and things that have been said to me I will remember forever. I do not have to let it make me bitter and I do not have to let it determine what kind of person I am but there are some things that are said to you that will change your life forever. I want to be changed for the better. I do not want to look back at this time (honestly I do not want to have to look back at this time ever again. I wish that it could just be erased) and feel that this time in my life made me a weak person. If I have to look back at this and I know I will then I will look back this time and know for sure that I came out stronger than ever. I will have come out of this learning how to love better than I have ever loved, trusted more that I have ever trusted, given more than I have ever given, and lived more abundantly than I ever have before. This will be for me an experience that will shape who I am into something more beautiful and wonderful than I could have imagined ever being. I think that already I have learned some things and that yes the trial may still be going on but I am different than I was before it started. I have learned what love really is and that I know how to love someone unconditionally. You don't have to lose love for someone just because they do not have the same love for you. Love, real love is never ending and it does not go away. Real love does not allow you to be selfish, real love is putting someone else's needs before your own. I am sure that I have learned this but not only that I have also applied this to how I love. I have also learned how to just be quiet. Sometimes there are no words for the feelings that you feel and sometimes telling someone the truth over and over again is more damaging to them than it is good for them. Honesty is always key and you should not have to lie but if you have said the truth then let it stand on it's own. You do not always need to scream it at someone for them to hear you. Sometimes opening your mouth when you do not know what to say is damaging to you and to the other person. Sometimes fighting about something that is not about you or is not a permanant issue can break a relationship. In all of these things I have trialed and errored my way into the knowledge that somethings you just need to be quiet about. Silence is not always acceptance, silence can generally make a bigger statement than running your mouth out of anger. I have learned to be patient. You cannot rush something or rid yourself of something that you have no control over. I have prayed about things over and over and over again and I know that every time God as heard me and is taking care of me and evern though I do not see the results I want, I can wait. I know that what I am waiting for is exactly what I need. I have learned to trust comepletely and I have learned that trust in someone can be ripped away from you with one word. I know that sounds odd because how can you trust completely when its being ripped away from you. Trust is an action. You have to put things into trusting someone and you can do that completely whether they take it away every single day or not. My pastor said something a few weeks ago that has helped me tremendously. God believes every day that people are going to make the right decisions and when they don't he still believes that they will because he has created all of us and we are his children and when people are not living in the way that he designed for them then they are living a lie. If they are living a lie and you believe the lie about them then how will they ever live in the truth  of who they are. If you cannot believe the truth about someone then they probably never will. So yes people do dumb things and sometimes these things affect me because I am involved in their lives but what they are doing is not who they are. When they do wrong things that is them living the lie and I believe eveytime that they will live in the truth and do the right thing. So yes today you said something that broke my heart and took my trust in you away but as soon as I put this into perspective I will trust you again because the truth is that you are a good person and you are doing the best you can and that I can trust you. I also want to live in the truth and do the best that I know how. Because of this I am strong and I am stronger than I ever thought that I could be. I would never have known the power that I have unless I had to have it. I would never have known that I was a fighter unless I had to fight and I will not have known true victory if I had never had to be victorious over something.

Let It Go

      Have you ever had soemone tell you that the decisions that they make are not about you and that it has nothing to do with you and just like that magically you should feel all  better about what you know is wrong? Have you ever struggled so hard with someone's decisions because you do feel like although it is not directly related to you it will affect you? This is something that I have been living with for the past few months and it is making me crazy. I do not want it anymore and by it I mean I do not want the resposibility or stress of your decisions bad or good. I want to live my life the way I know is right and not have anything questionable that could eventually hurt me. It is so hard for me to let this go because what the people that you love do can really end up hurting you too. I can honestly say that I am sick and my heart is broken and I do not want to live like that anymore. How about when someone is sitting there telling you that what they are doing is ok and it's fine and all that you can think is...if it's hurting me then how is it ok? If you look at me and you see that I am broken and I am scared and I am hurting because of what you are doing then please tell me how it is not my problem?? It is! When people are careless with your heart and your life but they are supposed to be protecting you and loving you it makes you feel worthless and alone. It makes me question everything because I want to know why I was not important enough to make you think twice before you said something and did things that ripped me apart? Why did it not matter how I felt? Why am I not good enough for you to love so much that you would do whatever you had to do to make this relationship better? Will I never be enough for you? Are we ever going to be ok? There are things that have happened recently that have hurt worse than anything I have ever felt in my entire life and I have been lied to and cheated on and betrayed before so you think that would have been the worst thing. It's not. Giving your all to someone and expecting them to give back and then getting nothing is worse. Thinking that someone has your back and then realizing your fighting your battles alone can tear you apart. The saddest part in all of this is I can only blame me because I was putting my identity in this and now that it's been blown apart I really feel like I am nothing...or at the very least I am a shattered broken piece of what I used to be. I guess that means its time to change for me. Like I said when I started this post...I am done with living other people's lives and feeling like everytime they make a mistake I have to be that much stronger to fix it. So to anyone in my life that I have this issues with I want to say: I cannot fix you, I cannot heal you, and I certainly cannot save you. There is a freedom that comes in that because even though I want to and I am afraid that if I don't do it for you then you won't get to a place where it can happen; I am wrong in thinking that I ever could and I was hurting myself the most by allowing myself to believe that I could. This does not mean that I do not love you completely and that I would not do whatever I can to help you and support you and be the one that gives it all up to make you happy but I am taking my hands off of your life. I am going to finally let go of you in the way where I feel like I own you and I will pray everyday that when you wake up you live the right way and that you make your decisions knowing that they do not just affect you. The things that you say and the things that you do will impact people either positively or negatively and I hope for you that you do not affect people in a negative way that would cause them pain or heartache. I want the best in life for you and I always will.
     Having said all of that let me say that I think many people are dealing with these types of issues whether it be with husbands, wives, parents, children, friends, etc. I know that obvioulsy when you have young children you do shape them and help them learn right from wrong but when you are dealing with adults you cannot live their life. It is not good for them and it is even worse for you. Let it go.

Where did Friday Fun go?

          My Parents have recently moved out of my childhood home and by doing so they have discarded many years of unnecessary items. Because of this my mom told me that if there is anything that I left at their house that I wanted then I would need to come collect it. I did not think there was anything there. If there were things there then to me they were not important and I did not care if they were thrown out...so imagine my surprise when I went to my sisters at the beginning of the week and she had a pile of my stuff that she thought I would want. As I went through journal after journal...none completed but many started I realized how much I used to do in my early teenage years. It seemed like the one day I never skipped in my journals was Friday. Most entries were from Fridays and they would always start with: Tonight I am... most of the I ams were going to youth meetings at church or going to the mall. I remember loving Fridays with everything within me because for some reason I always felt like it was a magical start to a fun weekend. This did not change as I got older. I was out constantly and that included, shopping, dinners, sleep overs, run away weekends. On weekend my friend and I literally left straight from work to head to Scranton, P.A. We got there around 8pm ate dinner slept in a hotel and headed back home the next morning. It seems a but ridiculous now when I think about what I spent on a hotel and gas and food for a trip that lasted all 20 hours but back then thats what I did. I loved being out. If I was hoem for too long it was an epic fail on my end. The weekends were mine and I took them by storm. I would say that in the past 2 years this has changed durastically. Now by the time I leave work on a Friday I am wondering what bills I need to pay ( or not pay without being cancelled), what house work needs to be done (before it goes on 2 weeks of the bathroom not being scrubbed and just being wiped down), and can I take a nap? Yeah that is what my Fridays have turned in to. This is the saddest thing that has ever happened to me. I am not even a mom yet! I shouldn't be saying that my fulfilling comes from wiping snotty noses and changing diapers because it does not and yet somehow I am not the cute, getting dresses up to gout girl anymore. It is rather depressing that now my usual attire on Fridays is my pajamas!
            Tonight my husnad wanted to have the guys over for a "Call of Duty Night" and so I thought that this would be my chance to get back to the fun me. I was so wrong. Not one of my friends is avaialble to do anything...they all have kids now or at leats husbands and so yeah they are all home bound and then my besties that do not have families of their own have numerous other things going on. I was sitting at work desperately wondering what I could do to make this a fun Friday when I got a text. My little brother in law was asking me to come babysit him and his brother tonight... at this point I am holding up my white flag of surrender and asking forgiveness for trying to be that fun girl I used to be. I will go home and don my pajamas or at least my comfy clothes and then head to the in-laws for a night of baby sitting. Yay me!

I Never...

These are the negative "I Nevers"

1. I never thought that I took "I love you" for granted. I mean sure alot of the times it was shouted as I ran out the door and I barely waited for a reply but I never actually thought I was taking it for granted. I was.

2. I never thought that quick kisses hello and goodbye meant anything. I was always waiting for the big romantic ones. I never thought the little kisses meant so much. They do.

3. I never thought that I would be questioning everything that was promised to me almost 2 years ago. I am.

4. I never realized how fragile your heart still is even when you are married. It can still break.

5. I never knew that you could cry for hours and feel like you have nothing left only to burst into tears again. You can.

6. I never knew that I would be calling my big sister asking her what I am supposed to do because I know she went through similar issues. I did.

7. I never realized how dependant you can be on someone's love and affection for you. Now I know.

8. I never thought that I would have anxiety trying to leave my home and yet be too depressed to stay home. I did.

9. I never knew that you could need someone so bad when they were the one pushing you away. You can.

10. I never knew thought soemthing like this was coming. It was.

These are the Positive Ones

1. I never realized how strong I am with God. Nothing can stop me.

2. I never thought I had it in me to fight this kind of battle. I do.

3. I never realized how many people understand where I am right now. There are alot of you.

4. I have never seen someone walk out of work and come rescue their friend. It happened on Friday.

5. I never expected my sister to get to my house and drive me out to a completely different place because I was having a nervous break down. She did on Thursday.

6. I never knew that I could give so much love to someone that was breaking my heart. I can.

7. I never expected to wake up this morning with strength and joy. I did.

Babies, babies, babies!

      It is no surprise to anyone that knows me that I want a baby. It's not like I have been trying and trying with no results, at this point we are not trying but that does not diminsh my desire to have my own baby. I have been married for 1 year and 8 months now and I do not think that is too soon to get pregnant. It has been about a year since I decided that I actually wanted a baby. Sometimes there are issues in life that prevent you from being able to have a baby apart from physical issues and this past year has been quite an adventure with those "issues". I have yet to broach this particular subject on my blog because for a while now I have thought of it as something small and not worth writing about. It also has nothing funny in it and for me it seems all too daunting. The thing is that this is where I write down how I feel and I do not hold back about anything else. I have talked about marriage, family, death, even my uncles girlfriend who happened to be a prostitute and yet somehow when I think about writing down this particular struggle of mine I, I push it off. Something within me has needed to change for quite some time including my perspective, I feel like it has changed or is changing and so now I feel like I can write about this with a clear perspective.
       In september it will have been one year since I tossed my last pack of birth control and set out thinking that this was a "Baby Year". This was with the full consent of my husband. It was the day of his grandmother's funeral and although we had been talking about the idea for a little bit this was the day it was actually decided that we were going to start a family. I remember that later in that evening we had been messing around and I threatedned to go and get the birth control out of my purse and take it. He grabbed it and took off with it, I now know that he just threw it away. Then for about a month and a half we "tried". It was not anything serious and there was no schedule or plan we just kind of figured it would happen when it happened. Well nothing happened in that 6 weeks or so and then shortly after that there was an issue that required use of some protection. That was fine with me and I figured it would give my body time to regulate if needed. I do have to say that while on and also when I stopped taking birth control I had no issues with my cycle whatsoever. I feel truly blessed because of that, I know many women who had issues with that and I can't imagine that feeling. I can say most sincerely that I am so thankful that my body had no lasting effects one me. So for me the break felt like the prime time to start getting healthy and eating right and taking vitamins because if I did get pregnant then I would be better physically prepared to handle pregnancy. My brain went one place with the time off and my husbnands went completely the other way. Yoiu have to understand that for us this was like we switched places completely. When we first got married all he talked about was me getting pregnant and the very thought made me want to remain a virgin. I am in full support of just enjoying time together for a year of marriage. For some people that is not needed and for some people it takes longer. He seemed like he was so ready for big things and he was so mature and he spent alot of time at home and although he was ready, I was feeling greedy. I couldn't imagine giving up the attention that I was getting from my husband, it was definitely a maturity issue for me. Life got more comfortable for us and while for me that meant my maternal instinct kicked in for my husband it meant that while he is a married man and a great husband he realized that he needed his independence as well. So back to the break...during that period of time I was getting myself all psyched for a baby and he was realizing that he was nowhere near baby time. I remember the night that I found out that he changed his mind. It felt like to me that he rejected me and it broke my heart. I balled my eyes out and ended up leaving the bed and laying on the couch. in my head he was going to come and get me and say "Just Kidding"! or at least give me a good reason (I do not believe money to be a good reason) and tell me that soon we could get back to trying. No such luck. Mark never has been and may never be that kind of guy. I sometimes feel like he can be heartless when in fact he is realistic. He is also not as sensitive in the same ways that I am and he sees no point in prolonging my dramatics. I can't always say that I blame him. He definitely took my princess card and ran it through a shredder. The issue with this is that this time I am not throwing a fit because I want new clothes or because he is going out all night, this time I was seriously broken because I felt betrayed. It is hard for me to communicate this with him in a good way because I know that he did nothing wrong intentionally. Sometimes when people break your heart they do it innocently. Sometimes when your heart is broken it is more your fault than anyone elses, not always or even most times but sometimes. So lets just say for the past six or seven months I have been dealing with this. I have not been dealing well with this. I bring it up all of the time. We have argued about it numerous times and everytime that I hear that someone else is pregnant I feel a part of myself break down again. I am not angry or jealous of these people and I know that God makes babies and that there are no accidents. I am happy that these woman have been blessed with something so incredible, the ability to give life. That doesn't mean that it doesn't sting a little. I mentioned above that I felt betrayed when my husband changed his mind. I know that then and even until every recently I had that feeling and that feeling was in error. But this is how I felt: I am the one who took the chance on screwing up my body and just quit taking those pills. I am the one who was risking my body by being willing to get pregnant. I am the one who will be getting up most of the time with a new baby. I will be feeling the labor. I will be breast feeding the baby. I will be sick and nauseas. I am the one who has that undeniable maternal instinct that screams out for a baby. I am the one who already loves my children although they are not even here and I am the one who worries and frets about things that they may have to go through. I am the one who has all the friends having them. I am the main one that gets asked "are you next"? all of the time. I am the one and yet one word from him and my whole dream was shattered. Then I felt lied to, why would he have told me that we could try and then changed his mind? Why did he let me get all excited about something that and then just walk away from it like it was never an option? I also mentioned above that while I matured and was ready for motherhood my husband seemed to backtrack down immaturity lane. Suddenly he had to go out with the guys all of the time and he had to have a motorcycle and he had to have a regular car and a project car and then his job started sucking and he had alot by that time and then I was told that there was no money for a baby. I prayed for God to strike that bike with lightening...thankfully he did not listen to my vengeful prayers. All I could see was the dollar amounts of everything that he had bougt or the gifts that I gave him and I wanted to scream. For months now this has been a constant struggle of mine. Up until a day ago I truly felt like alot of times I resented him and all that he had when I felt so lacking. In part because of this issue and then because of other life issues I feel like our marriage has been tested. I am more than a little disappointed to know that this has been in part because of my own anger and resentment towards a man that I am in love with. Yesterday I got a bit of a reality check...I have known the truth for so long and yet I let my own feelings get in the way. The truth is this: God is in control of every situation not just the ones that we want him to control. He is in control regardless and its when you take matters into your own hands that things fall apart. So if my God is in control then why I am I so upset about a situation that is not in my area of control. I do believe that God give us means to handle situations on our own but still if he is the one giving us the ability or wisdom to get through something then he is still the one controlling it. I also fully believe that things happen when we pray that would not have happened if we did not pray. We have power with God and we have the ability to change situtaions in our lives. Knowing that and maybe taking that into doing my own thing I now know that I have been praying the wrong way about the baby struggle. I literally would pray for immaculate conception...not even kidding about that one. Then my brain went to "oh if that happens would it still look like me and Mark"? Yeah that just goes to show how messed up my thinking really was. When I finally figured out that I was wrong on that end I would pray that the condoms would leak or break or something unexpected. Like maybe trickery would make all of this better. I guess what I didn't realize was that through all of this when I was struggling maybe Mark was too. Maybe in a completely different way and about completely different things but obviously if something in him changed that much there would be a reason. I will admit that lately I have been praying more for him and less for me, but I still had so much hurt and resentment in my heart about the baby thing. I finally realized that my husband will not be ready for a baby until he has life straightened out and until God gives him that ability. I know it sounds off but Mark will not be the man I need without God and when he gives everything over to God then all things fall into place. All things. So what I have realized is that I need to be more concerned about the welfare of my husband. I need to pray for him like never before and pray that God gives him strength and grace every single day. I need to help him fight that battles that he deals with by praying more than ever before. When we have a family (and I still hope it is soon) I want to them to have the best mother and the best father that they can have. Parenting is not one sided and that is where I was so wrong. This baby is not just about me it is about us. I am still praying that God gives me the ability to have a child and I am praying that we can have a baby soon. This is my hearts desire. I am also not telling God how to make it happen and I am praying more that my husband will be ready to be a father. This has been a long post but I feel like it was necessary for me to get all of this out. I feel so much better knowing that God ca handle this for me and give me what I need to deal with it and that I do not have to work it out on my own. I am blessed.

Oppression amd Defeat

The definition of Oppression is: Prolonged cruel or unjust treatment or control. What is controlling you that has you oppressed and why would you allow it? Why wouldn't you get up and fight and defeat the control of something oppressive? If a situation you are in is oppressive why are you still allowing this to go on? Do you feel weak, or useless? How can this be when you have been given a promise that God will go before you and defeat the enemy. That leaves no room for any kind of fear or oppression unless you take control away from God and put in somewhere else. Oppression is mostly self inflicted. What are you allowing yourself to be apart of that is putting negativity and doubts into your mind? Why would you have the offer of peace and joy and choose darkness and fear? What is it about being oppressed that seems easier than standing up and defeating the enemy? Why would you sit in church where truth is being spoken and then let something else control your home, your family, your salvation? I really have been wondering about this as far as my own life is concerned and the only answer I have is because it is easier in this world to be a coward and to let something control you then to fight for your life. Obviously I'm speaking about the spiritual aspect not physical. Depending on what oppresses you it could become a physical battle for your life. I really thought that people including myself must not believe that the battle is already won? There is no other reason why you would find defeat impossible. The truth is that nothing can harm you and that no one is in control of you. You do not bow down to anyone except your God and when you do you let in oppression and cruelty. Wouldn't it be so much easier to engage an enemy that is already defeated than to hide in the shadows and be defeated? I need to live in the reality that this battle is won and there is none defeated on God's side.

A case of the "Mondays"

       Today I feel like I have a case of the Mondays. I am not sure what it is about a Monday that feels so much longer than any other day. I actually feel like Mondays and Wednesdays are the longest day ever!! I know that they have the same amount of hours as every other day but for some reason my eight hour shift at work feels like my whole day is spent at work. I feel restless and for some reason every Monday I have major catching up to do on the home front. I can admit that I have sorely neglected my home duties this past week and pretty much every week for the past month but this morning when I was scared to shower in my own tub I knew the time had come for a major scrub down. I mean how hard is it really for a man to shave over the sink and then rinse it out? Why does it have to be that you shave your head over my sink and leave the little hairs all over my sink and counter and then do not rinse it out so it sticks to the ceramic tiles? Then you move onto my shower and shave your face on the day that the tub is backing up so it mixes with all of the soap scum and then when the water finally drains out it leaves a nice layer of slimy hair all over the tub? Yeah my bathroom is in major trouble. The department of health would have a field day in my home right now and yet somehow I have to go in there bare hands and all get this place sanitized. I need a hazmat suit! On top of that I did laundry and now I have 3 baskets of folded clothes in random parts of my house. I do not like putting clothes away... yeah and those things are on top of the regular cleaning thast needs to get done. Now this is completely my fault and I know that so I am not blaming anyone but I am complaining. Why do I do this to myself every month?? I need to get a plan in action where I deep clean one or two rooms a week and then maintain so that everytime I do it it is not horrible. So yeah that is how my Monday is going so far. I am leaving work in 20 minutes and I am headed straight home to get down to business. Wish me luck!

This morning I woke up with a case of the "Grumps." I completely blame Taco Bell. The thing is yesterday I was feeling pretty good and thinking that life was so amzing and so in all my good spirit I went to Taco Bell with my family. For me being happy gives me an appetite. I am not sure why but I think it's because when I am stressed out about something I start to feel sick and when I feel sick I do not want to eat. Then when everything is all better I feel super hungry. Since this is the way my body works then everytime that I am happy or peaceful, I eat. So I downed a supreme Nachos thing from Taco Bell. This morning I woke up feeling like I would be better off dead. So of course I vowed to never eat again...as I write this I am having lunch. Granted today's lunch is a delicious sald with tuna and a light dressing on it so its not all that harsh fast food crap but hey its food. So yeah back to me waking up and wishing all noise and light would cease and that I could hide under my covers all day long. No such luck! Mark was awake and on the move and harrassing me! Hello?? If I am not out of bed and I am not talking to you do you feel like thats an ok to bother me? It's more like a kiss me when you are leaving but do not keep talking to me thing. Then he had to go and point out that I only felt crappybecause of Taco Bell. Gee thanks next time you are sick and acting like an invalid I am going to point out that this is yor fault. Let me point out that while I am trying to breathe deeply so that I do not puke I am not saying a whole lot to him but oh boy was my brain coming up with the best one liners! The worst part is...he was not even being mean or annoying but in my state at that time it felt as though he was being the biggest jerk in the world. I was so grumpy from A. not feeling good. B. Not going to bed before midnight. C. Its gonna be "that time" soon. All of these things combined and I have been on a bit of a rampage for 2 days. So I am trying to keep quiet and move slowly to get ready for work so as not to upset anything in my body and he starts in on the laundry. Mind you not in a mean or demanding way but it was so annoying to me and I wanted to just scream "Shut up"! at him to get him to well...shut up. He is literally holding up one shirt a freaking time and inspecting it and then being like "hey can you wash this shirt today"? he did it about 3 times before I lost it. I mean really if you think about it since when do you pick and choose what to was when its laundry day. I am not retarded! If it is in the dirty laundry pile then it will eventually get washed. Common sense dictates that you do not have to go through each indiviual piece of clothing to ask for it to be washed. I have donemy chores like that and I never will. I am pretty sure that he was just making sure that I am doing laundry today so that he will have clean clothes but it seemed like nagging to me. So for the thrid time as he is holding up a shirt asking if I can was that particular shirt and waiting for a response before he puts in with the dirty clothes I snap at him "Whatever you put in the laundry is going to get washed you dont have to keep asking"! That set him off a bit. So then I tried to back track and sort of apologize but I still don't feel sorry. I felt like puking and he lityerally wanted me to point at each sock and be like yeah that puppies getting washed tonight. Now as I think back it seems almost comical but this morning I wanted to cry...or punch someone in the face. So what I really want to say is thank you Taco Bell for having disgustingly bad for you food and putting crack into it so that we keep coming back, also thank you for turning me into the grumpiest wife ever this morning! I also have a few words to that laundry pile awaiting my return home but I will keep that between me and the 3 shirts that I am defintiely washing tonight ;)

I Can Handle That!

Let me preface this post with the following "just so you know" statements so you can leave all judgement and wondering where it belongs: 1. I do not have children. 2. I have my own car. 3. My husband likes to go do his own thing. 4. My housework has been sadly neglected all week. When you read this keep in mind that I am not on here to complain or make my life seem miserable. I am also not on here to flaunt my successes or freedoms to make it seem like I am so much better off than you. I am on here to express how I feel about everything from marriage to driving on 390. For the past two weekends I have had one night that was a total girls night! These nights did not involve me being out past midnight (I rarely see that hour these days) nor did it involve me getting crazy drunk to be "who I really am". I really am me all of the time and like it or not who I really am changes minute to minute. I love my girls nights because it does involve real friends, lots of laughing, story sharing, good food, and of course like any good party thrown by a pentecostal it involves "Mocktails." Tonight's variety was a Lusty Lime Virgin LOL. Last weekend was a virgin Piña Colada! Haha thank God that virgin for me and virgin for these drinks means two very different things. If virgin for me meant without alcohol I would be one for the rest of my life ;) There have been so many things that I wanted and I thought I was working towards and because of that there have been some wake up calls and some disappointments. Let me be completely frank...I want a baby. I would love to find out tonight that I am pregnant and I would love to be holding my own little baby and kissing their soft fuzzy head. I am not so sure the whole being up all night and battling more pounds to lose is what I want but if its part of the package then I readily except. I really thought by now Mark and I would be settling into that lets start a family phase and while he was a while ago...I was NOT. Now that I am he is not and I just hope that eventually we can meet up on baby lane. I actually have no doubt that we will. I also want to not be broke. I want to have money to go grocery shopping and pay my bills and then not look at my account in horror because I forgot that some payment was auto deducted. I thought surely by now we would be further along in this area...nope! We are worse off now then when we first got married. I want to be a stepford wife...seriously I do! I want the body, the hair, the ability to cook amazing meals, the pearls while vacuuming, and most of all the ability to please my husband all of the time day or night. Above all of that I want to go to heaven. I want my life to be good because I am living it fully and not because I have a baby, money, or a 100% in Wifing (just made that word right up). I dont have to wait to have all of those things to have a happy perfect life. My sister and I have been praying for each other and our marriages and let me tell you I am not the same. Nothing has changed with my circumstances but I have changed. I love, love, love life. So what Mark went out again tonight...I had a lovely evening and I am learning who I am. So what rent is due again...I am going to heaven. So what I am not a mommy yet...God is the creator of babies, I will get one in the perfect time. Tonight I enjoyed not just endured a night with the girls. Next weekend it can be a different group all together. The past two girls nights have been totally different people but hey I am willing to go for 3 in a row :) I am just so happy to be living and so yes, I will take that!

One Step at a Time

     Yesterday I was feeling like I could not get out of a funk and thankfully one of my friends e-mailed me and reminded me that I only had to take one step at a time and that I did not have to take a giant leap even. Just one foot in front of the other and not to even think about the step after that. Some people say to take it one breath at a time and that sounds good to me too.
      It has been quite a while since I have had the time to sit down and write a blog and although nothing major has changed in my life I feel about 100 years older. Sometimes I feel as if so much is happening to the people all around e whether good or bad and I am somehow involved a little bit in each situation. I have friends that are about to give birth or just found out that they are pregnant. I have friends that have had major battles in their jobs, marriages, etc. I have family members that are getting married or dropping their husbands off for basic training and then I have my own personal situations happening everyday. Lately my emotional state has been a roller coaster. Saturday I woke up loving life and feeling so much energy and peace. it was a beautiful sunny day and everything seemed to be looking up. By 12:30AM on Sunday morning I was ready to check myself in at the psych ward. I sent numerous psychotic texts to my husband before falling asleep (yes he was out which started the texts so I blame him on that one). Sunday i woke up thinking that everything was ok and that I had just been overtired from the night before. By sunday evening I wanted to move back home. Sunday night I sobbed for about 30 minutes over something that most people would shake their heads at. When I fell asleep that night I had horrible dreams about my husband leaving me. Monday I was exhausted and grumpy at work but happy to be there and not be stuck at home with nothing but my thoughts. I came home from work and managed to throw some comfy pants on before crawling unde the covers and praying to God that I could sleep until my life changed durastically. I fell asleep for about two hours which was not all together planned. Yes I did want to ignore life but I didn't plan on falling into a deep sleep and I did not plan on being knocked out utnil 7:15pm. I woke up for some reason and realized I needed to get my butt up and moving. I did the up and moving thing long enough to pick up the kitchen and make a grilled cheese sandwich then I went to the couch. It was then that I noticed that my pants were inside out, my hair wast sticking out all over the place and my eyes had that puffy I just woke up look. It had been a nap not a full nights sleep and I still looked a hot mess. It was then for the first time that I thanked God Mark was not home from work yet. Seeing me like that in the mornings is inevitablem, seeing me like that at 7pm on monday might be detrimental to the relationship. Today has been good. I do not feel like life is going to get me and I am in love with my husband ( I always love him but I do not know if I am always in love with him) and I got to eat an awesome lucnh thanks to my awesome job. I still ahve that overly tired feeling that has been around for most of the past two weeks but tonight I am not going to crawl into my bed at 5 and want to die. I am going to see my favorite sister in law and my little nephew and maybe take a walk. My mind is screaming at me to go home and take a nap but I do not want to be home all night alone and my husband has stuff going on tonight. My first step was getting up this morning and my next step was getting to work and handling things here. I am not thinking too much about the steps after that because I am not there yet. Not to say that I dont have some plans but I do not have them mapped out step by step. I want to get through one thing at a time and if at some point I feel like running or leaping instead of just stepping then I will but that is not the case right now. Right now I am taking it one step at a time :)

Easter Morning

It's Easter Sunday and I am laying in bed thinking about this past week and how ridiculous it has been. I want today to be better and different, not just because it's Easter but because its a brand new day! I love Easter and I know all the meaning that goes into this holiday but honestly I celebrate resurrection everyday of my life when I wake up brand new. I guess that maybe with it being Easter and it being the holiday where we celebrate resurrection it has made me realize a few things. First I have not been living in this revelation for quite a while. I do not think that I have woken up once this week living like I was brand new and having a fresh start. I have dragged every issue that accumulated right in to the next day to the point where it was so heavy that getting out of bed was depressing. I could not see living life to the fullest and letting the stress go, I could only see the negative. It has been a tough week or rather tough couple of weeks. There have been moments where I am so stressed or worried that my heart literally pounds and I am panicked. I would ask myself "Is God in control"? And I would literally say "yes he is." Then two seconds later I would be freaking out again. This morning there has already challenges and I have felt that feeling of Oh My God I Give Up coming over me but really God is in control. If he has complete control and he is not dropping the ball then everything is ok. So everything is ok and I can breathe normally and have good days. I also do not have to bring everything that happened yesterday into today. Today is a brand new day and it's sunny and beautiful so far. Happy Easter!

Connected by DROID on Verizon Wireless

Another Day, Another cold!

This morning I woke up much like every other morning...annoyed at the alarm and my bladder. Do you ever find that your bladder wakes you up when you only have 10-20 minutes left of sleep? It's like C'mon! Really?? You can't just wait to wake me up until the annoying alarm buzzes a million times? As I lay there trying to ignore the ever growing urge to pee, I realized that my mouth was all dried out and my lips had that nasty crusty film over them. Ewww! It was right then and there that I knew today I am going to be grumpy. Sure enough I sat up and one of my nose holes started dripping snot and the other one was so plugged that no air was coming in or out. I just got over a cold at the end of last week and granted we are coming to the end of this week, but I do not feel the need for this at all. I love that our weather has been so mild and believe me I appreciate the early spring like WHOA but going from 70 degrees to 30 degrees in a matter of 12 hours makes my body freak out! Alot of people are telling me that this could be allergies and I kind of hope it is. So far nothing has helped me be able to breath better. I took some Sudafed and a Zinc tablet and then some Airborne or whatever it's called. I think it may be worse after all of that LOL. Around 12pm I texted my husband trying t get some sympathy and ask him to take care of me and  the response I get is grim: "but babe tonight I wanted to go ride my bike" so I resorted to whining because for once I had to have my own way. I also cut him a deal. "Be home by eight to take care of me and you will not die". That actually seemed to do the trick. I currently cannot breathe through either of my nasal passages and so I am siytting at work with my mouth slightly open trying to circulate some air. I am not gonna sugar coat it when I say that I want to ask God why he designed a part of the body that allows us to breathe but then it turn can get swollen and stuffy and not work. Why not just let us use our mouths to breathe and let us talk out of our ears? I know each body part has a function that is a part of God's great plan but hey my mouth was not meant to be open all  day long. My throat is so dried out right now and even drinking tea is not changing anything. I am considering shoving needles up my nose to make air ways up there, of course then there is the whole bleeding issue...  My current plan is to head home right after I am done working/ infecting the office with my disease, and go lay on my couch. Also I will be cleaning up some dishes unless Mark did them...yeah I will be doing some dishes. Oh I have another thought! Why dont they make napquil. If I take Dayquil it doesn't touch my symptoms. If I take Nyquil it takes me the whole eights hours plus to get rid of that sleepy groggy feeling. How bout something so that when I wanna go home and take a nap without feeling like this I can pop some napquil. It can last like 1 to 3 hours instead of 4 to 6! Yay me! Maybe I should look into getting a pantent on that ;) 

The Joys of Single...Wifehood?

I know that the title of this blog is an oxymoron. You cannot, obviously, be single and a wife at the same time. I could preach on that for a while… so when I say the Joys of single wifehood I am not describing it as the following:
1. A married person who does not want to be married so they whore around and act single.
2. Not being fully committed to someone but living with them and acting married.

I am however talking about those of us women who love and adore their husbands and are completely faithful to them and yet never see them. I am in this position right now. The biggest problem with never seeing someone is that the limited time you do have together has so much more potential to end negatively. Think of it this way…you are two people in a partnership and when you are together you feel the need to make up for all the lack and to fix all problems. Well since marriage is a lifetime commitment you cannot fix a lifetime of speed bumps in an hour less of time. This is the time when he comes home from work, the gym, etc and I am either already in bed or cooking chicken up so that I can go to bed. So I manage to keep myself awake long enough to..well argue with him. What about you say? Well everything. The beautiful and infuriating thing about being a wife is that you are in charge of keeping your home a clean and happy environment. My biggest issue is that I am a wife that works full time out of the home. Then I come home and clean or ignore the mess and then run errands to help keep my home clean or a mess LOL. Then I try to pretend that I am a good wife by attempting to cook or bake something and if I ever go out and do something for me then my home suffers that neglect. If I have a day off then I am running around paying rent and making sure RGE is paid and doing laundry. If my husband has a day off he is at the gym or riding his bike or hanging out with friends. Yeah I am gonna get pissy! Whether this is my job or not I sometimes feel l like a maid. I live there to get stuff done but I never see the man that I moved in with. I do not have these feelings all of the time but we go through periods of time where this happens and I feel burned out. Granted the man that I wanna scream at as soon as he walks in the door has spent a lot if not all of his day working. I easily forget that when I am feeling like the forgotten servant. Sure he is out providing for me with his full time job but at this point we are equal providers and I also have a full time job at home. As much as we need the money my biggest stress is when I am sitting at work and I am thinking of all the things that I need to get accomplished at home. Sure my boss is paying me but when I go home and I need a sanctuary and there are dishes up to my ceiling I want to stomp my feet. I don’t just wanna stomp my feet I want to put holes in my floor! This week I have been looking at them and running to hide in my messy bedroom where I can’t see the dishes. Then I see the laundry piled in the closets and I want to set my apartment on fire. This is a sure indication that instead of running around and putting workouts as a priority I need to clean my home and get it back to that relaxing realm.
I have thought about refusing to make any more chicken or pasta until the existing dishes get cleaned but I feel like Mark would rather starve himself than put a dish in the dishwasher. Tonight I have church so when I leave work and head home I will have about an hour before I need to get myself ready for church. I like to nap in that hour but I am trying to psych myself to get the kitchen cleaned up. I am not sure if that is going to happen because that is what we argued about this morning, I may leave it until later tonight when I get home and I know that he will be home so maybe I will finally get some help ;)
I wonder what it is going to feel like when I have kids someday…Yikes. The joys of single motherhood. Oh well I am not pregnant yet so that’s not a concern at this time.

Physical Fitness = Mental Issues

Ok so aybe it is just me but there is something bad that happens to me mentally when I am trying to get physically in shape. I mentioned in my last blog that I would update my blog and tell all of you readers bow its been going so here it is:
My first day was last tuesday the 7th and it started off bad and almost ruined me. I went home and changed my clothes and headed straight for the gym. I was very enthused and ready to go and I burst into the room only to find that all of the machines were being used and on top of that everyone in the gym room just stared at me. I stood there for about 30 seconds and all of my enthusiasm drained away. I had to head home defeated and tell my usband that I couldnt even get on a treadmill and that just made me grumpy. Now mind you my husband has off from work on tuesdays so he was home and had been expecting me gone for at least 30 minutes. By the time I stomped back up the stairs to my apartment i was fuming at the world! How dare tehy ruin my plans to get in shape and be healthy and sexy! The people in the gym were all middle aged and just taking up space lol! at least in my mind I deserved to be there way more. When I got home I immediately started whining to my husband about not being able to work out and of course he had all of these suggestions none of which worked for me. I told him that I would wait until he left and then jsut do things at home. When he left I still sat on my couch pouting and thinking horrible thoughts about what a waste of time this was. I will never have the body I want and I will never be good enough and I just want to curl up on the couch and sleep and I want to eat whatever i want without counting he calories....on and on my misery went until I thought about the real reason I had started this. I ws doing this to be healthy not be a crazed maniac. So i got my butt off of the the couch and I did my workout. it was only about 30 minutes long and did not even involve alot of cardio and yet when I got done I could barely breathe and I was all red faced. I felt like I was going to throw up and I was even more grumpy than before. This was not at all how I pictured things going and it killed my attitude and any drive I had. i stood in the shower and balled because after putting myself through hell when I looked in the mirror I still hated what I saw. Luckily my husband was not home for any of this or he would have had me locked up for sure. Miraculously the next morning I woke up sore and that cured me. i finally realized that I had done something and that my body was feeling it. It renewed my desire to do the work out and to eat better. So the next day I did it again this time actually gping outside to jog and walk and ever since it has been going well and I have been doing good in eating and mentally i felt fine and happy...until today. I am tired today and its wednesday which means that it is a work out day for me but I do not want to do it. I did not last night because it was a night off for me and it was valentines and today I am thinking that I just want to relax and lay down. This may ahve something to do with the fact that I have my period but I am just not feeling the whole workout thing. I am determined to do something but I am not committing to a full routine today. I do not want to be coe one of those psychotic poeple who panic when they can't do what they feel like they need to do. You see last night I didn't eat so good because my husband made dinner for me and I made brownies and we had ice cream and today I feel fat and disgusting and sluggish. I shouldn't have to freak out if I have a treat or if I go over my allotted 1200 calories.I do not want this to be an obsession. I do want this to work out for me but if my pace is not meeting peoples expectations I do not want to feel like a failure. I am hoping that my physical and mental health will come together and that I will be just fine. Today I am going to hang out with a friend and just chat and I think that will do wonders for my mental stability. Also she has been through this whole workout ordeal and I know that she will have advice and wisdom. Any ideas or comments on how to get over this blah attitude would be greatly appreciated.

Workout Worries

I have decided that I want to start working out. I want a good body, although it may never be model worthy, and I want to be and feel healthy. When I get pregnant I want to already be practicing good habits and I want to be in shape. I think that I will feel better during pregnancy if I start being active now and keep that going. Plus I want my husband to LOVE and yeah LUST for my body. I mean he is my husband its not like I would be causing him to sin ;) I am not saying that he doesn't already but I know I can get better and I know that he will absolutely appreciate it. I have been drinking a butt load...or would that be bladder load...of water. I have also been peeing like a pregnant woman! I can't stop there. I have also been trying to make healthier choices in my meal decisions. I will admit that is going about 40% well lol! The other 60% is going to get whipped into submission. The first time I lost weight I did it the more popular and extremely dangerous way. I worked out a little and ate even less. I literally cut my food intake by half and changed what I did eat. It worked! I lost weight and I got some attention that I had been seeking. I wasn't married back then and I was young and being healthy was right below being beautiful on my list of priorities. I managed to keep the weight off too but I also didn't feel energized or super great...that didn't matter back then. Years later after promising myself that I would work out and eat, but eat healthy over and over I have finally decided on it. I have a determination and mostly because I know that shortly my husband and I want to start a family. I want my body to be at its best so that I can provide a healthy habitat for my future lima bean (reference to another post). So I have turned to the person I trust the most who has experience in this area, my husband! Now we are talking about a man that used to do hardcore workouts daily, I am not there yet! So he finally writes my workout and then zips off to redbox. I sit on the couch to check out my new activities and I am staring in fear! I swear he wrote down every exercise he knows! For example: CARDIO- Speed Walk, Jog, Run. ARMS- Curls, Tricep Extensions, Dips, and Push ups....the list goes on for all of my body! I don't even know what most of these are! It is an evil list! The list of my undoing! I am doomed! Why did I ever go to the freakin muscle man for a workout???
I have had about seven conversations with myself and now he is home and I cautiously approached him about it. He said something about me pushing myself in everything I do and I was like "I can"! Let me tell you that when I am doing his workout its going to be more like the little engine that could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." Well darn it I think that I can. I am going to give it my best shot. I am sure you, my faithful reader, will be having some interesting stories to come. My game plan is to start tomorrow and if my arms aren't broken you should have an update in a day or two. I will just tell myself this is for the healthy future of my babies and my sex life and that will be my motivation.

Life...is not what I thought it was

To anyone reading this blog, I am forewarning you. The subject I am speaking on is somewhat delicate and involves a prostitute and some of my family members. This blog is my own view on my life and my revelation and we live in America so I have the freedom to feel and say whatever I want (at least for now) ;) If you feel uncomfortable in any way do not read it and honestly if truth makes you uncomfortable you should probably delete my blog from your list. For anyone whose interest was sparked read on...

Today I went to my parents house to see my sister and get her help and expert advice on Valentines Day card making. The house is always somewhat chaotic with at least 3 young children there at all times. Today was no different and in fact it was the first time in a long time kids and loud noises didn't just irritate me. The little princess (Eva) is sick and my sister is currently without a car. She took mine and I stayed with my parents and the kids while she went to get medicine. Unfortunately Wal-Mart during the first week of month on super bowl weekend meant the thirty minute trip took two hours. During this two hours something happened. Let me give you a quick run down on my uncle's recent activity so you can better understand the story. In the past year or more, I believe it has been longer, he left his family, started dating a prostitute he met, and was no longer hush hush about his various addictions. I have felt disgusted for my aunt and cousins and just disturbed that a man who called himself a man of God could go that low. Let me just interject a belief of mine...at your lowest you are in the best position to be rescued. I haven't thought of it that way at all until now. I felt simply disgusted. He had a family! He broke their hearts and tore that family apart for a woman who made money by doing various acts of intimacy with many, many men. I would shudder and be repulsed just thinking about it. I would speak out in anger when someone mentioned it and I didn't want her near me or my family. Without even meeting this woman I had her branded and hell bound. My life is no cake walk and my attitude just sucks most of the time but I am a faithful wife and I couldn't imagine a man leaving a faithful wife for something so broken. I still do not understand and I never want to have to know that feeling. I talk so much about unconditional love and true love and not judging people and yet I never had to put it to practice with someone that I didn't know. As I write this there are literally tears in my eyes because something in me is finally breaking and finally realizing.
My uncle and who, until today I referred to as the prostitute that ruined my cousins lives, showed up at my parents. She sat in the car while my uncle came in. He looked skinny to me and beat down and I stared at the man who's house I had grown up in. He is not that man anymore. He was hungry, almost starved and they had no money so he was picking up some things my dad was holding for him and he was going to pawn it. He said for gas and food but it could have been drugs and cigarettes. I don't even care what it is anymore. Him and my dad talked and went from the garage to the house getting things ready. When they came back in my dad said that my uncles girlfriend wouldn't come in. She didn't feel comfortable. After all we were the family of the people who's home was wrecked. When my dad said she wouldn't come in I didn't even feel relieved I felt broken. I felt what she must feel every day of her life. Drugs and sex are not who she is, it is what she does because she is bound by sin. It's no different than the pretty girl who drinks all night with her friends and has sex with many boys but who holds a normal job and lives a seemingly happy life. The only difference is that this woman chose prostitution as her way to get money for her next fix and so they labeled her with the name 'Prostitute.' My dad asked me to get my uncle some food while they finished up in the garage and before I could stop myself I said "What should I make for...." I am not going to write her name on here. I don't think that's important after all I don't have their permission to write this so some anonymity is probably necessary. My uncle just said that if I didn't mind making two of what he was having then she might eat that. I fully expected them to take it out to the car for her but God knows. She came into the house a few minutes later cautiously and with no reserve I went up to her and welcomed her into the house. She didn't even look that old and she just started going on and on about how beautiful my parents house was and how much she adored my niece and nephews. Whatever I expected from a prostitute was not what I saw. Now I obviously know that they are human but I never pictured them as people. Sure she has scars, wounds even and she is broken. That's ok with me because that just means she can be fixed and rescued. Her and my uncle both. My dad said that when they were leaving she kept saying how nice we were. I would much rather that than her having had to sit in the car eating a bowl of chili alone. God knows what he is doing and I am going with that rather than my own self justified ideas. I'm not saying that God made my uncle mess up his families life so a prostitute had a chance to meet Jesus. I am saying that God can make any situation into something good and perfect. Now my uncle and his girlfriend and my aunt and my cousins have a chance to finally be saved. They all already thought they were and yes God can have mercy on anyone he chooses but now I believe that they have an even greater chance to get what they really need.
I do not ever want to look at a person at just assume I know their life story. How can I know what hurts and fears a person has, I can't. How can I know why they live the way they do? Today I learned something about myself. I learned something about a woman that I had pre judged. We all want love but more than that we all need love.

I have no idea what is wrong with me...

Lately and by lately I mean since monday night there has been something seriously wrong with me. There are small things that have been happening that are normally minor annoyances, not so much these past two days. These things have been devestating to me. Monday night I was practically in a rage. There is nothing that should make me act like this. I am not PMSing and I am not currently on my period, in fact this didnt start until my period was ending. I don't even have that as an excuse. I'm not pregnant and that I know for sure unless Im going to be the second woman in history to experience immaculate conception. I was not terribly stressed out about anything. I am just flying off the handle for no good reason. It all started Monday night as I began to clean my home. I knew it hadn't been done in a while and I knew that it was nopt going to just be a pick up and go kind of thing. I had myself armed with windex, pledge, numerous rags, and a vacuum. I started off my mission in the kitchen. My husband does not clean up after himself by any definition of the meaning. I think that at one point I asked him to start putting his dirty dishes into the dish washer or at the very least bring them from the living room into the kitchen. For the most part they make it to the kitchen sink now, not what I orginally asked for but better than nothing. This being the case I expected a sink full of dishes so that was not what set me off. The one other thing that I ask my husband to do to help me in our home is to take the garbage out. That means not only the huge back we pull out of the garbage can twice a week but also the things we recycle. The bags go out without too much cajoling on my end. The stuff we supposedly recycle is another matter all together and that, my friends, is what started off the rage! Counters were cleaned, dishes were done and put away and my next mission was the floor. I stared at the rather full garbage can and the random cans, bottles, and pizza boxes piled up agianst my wall and debated with myself: "Should I just clean around it? Should I give in like I do evry other time and just take it out? Should I text angry texts to Mark and tell him that I am going on strike?" All of these thoughts ran through my head. I decided that once again i will take the higher road and do it myself. I was annoyed at this point because all of that could have been avoided if what I asked for was taken care of. Lets just say that after struggling got get the recycled crap all into a trash bag without ripping the entire thing open my annoyance was at a bit of higher level. Then I turned to the garbage can. Easy Peesy Lemon Squeezy??? NOT SO MUCH! The bag did not want to come out of the grabage can and as I was yanking the bag over and over again it started to rip. The convenient red handles were literally ripping through the freaking bag. Im huffing and puffing and red faced by now and hopping mad. Finally the bag comes out and it has quite a few holes and tears along the top of the bag. I set it on the floor so that I can wipe out the grabage can and put a new bag in. I may have actually benn calming down when I finally grabbed the two bags of garbage( remember the struggle with recycled, or not recycled in this case, bag) and head out the door. Thats when I notice that something liquid and light brown has leaked out of one of the bags and is all over my kitchen floor and it smells rotten. That feeling of calm disappeared so fast that to this day I do not know if it was ever really there or if I just imagined it. Im not sure what excatly I yelled out at the bag but Im pretty sure that I cannot repeat it on here or ever again. I swear there were tears in my eyes at this point. I managed to get down the apartment stairs without tripping or getting the foul smelling, leaking liquid all over me. I walked to the other end of the parking lot before I realized that my pant legs were dragging through the wet parking lot the entire time. Now they were hanging low and also were dragged through the nasty building that the garbage cans are in. I toss both bags into the nearest trash can whether it was for recycling or not and sprint back to my home. I roll up my pant legs and go to town on the kitchen floor. I am in no way clam but I am also trying to tell myself that this is not serious and it is not my husband's fault. I should not lash out irrationally at him and I should just get over it because honestly this is my life. I go through this every time I clean my home. I take a good 3 hours out of my day when I want to clean. This night was different, this night it enraged me. My rage may have helped spurr me forward and my living room was spotless and the couches were all vacuumed and pillows fluffed. I had just started on the bedroom when my poor unsuspecting husband walked in. I thought that I was going to be ok. I was still pissy but i figured I could be pissy and not direct it at him and maybe still ahve a decent night. Oh how wrong I was. He came in complaining about how sore he was while I sat sweaty on the floor folding up my clothes. Then he flings himself onto the nice clean bed that I had just made up and I bit my tongue. I tired to tell him that I was exhausted and sore as well and he laughed me off. I told him that I felt like cleaning up the house had been a work out and he just laughed at me. The blood began to boil. So I started with the snapping: "yeah well i had alot to do because Im the only one that does it"! and "I work a full time job too and then have a home to take care of" and "You can't even handle the one thng that I ask you to do...garbage"! He managed all of this pretty well. I tried to calm down so I weakly throw out there..." can you just go into your closet and get out what needs to be cleaned tonight" His reply "everything in there needs to be cleaned" I say "can you separate it into piles of whites and colors"? he says "sure". Then I notice that I have no empty baskets because the last time I did the laundry he left all of his clothes in them and they were still sitting there. I then kindly tell him I will separate the clothes if he can put his clothes away. He agrees and I think that we are getting somewhere and that maybe now I will get some help. I start sorting his clothes and he walks out of the room. I go "hey babe I need these baskets tonight". He tells me to put the clothes in them on the floor. OMG this defeats the whole dang purpose of cleaning up so I try in my best mom voice ( yeah I used the mom voice on my husband *giggle*) to get him back in the room to get the job done. I say " I want this done right now, not tomorrow". Yeah epic fail on that one. He came rigt back into the room but not to obey my commands. Basically he said no and left no room for argument. I slammed a couple of doors and threw his clothes in a pile in front of his dresser. I am brat. I admit this openly and I also admit that it gets the better of me most of the time. I decide to get into the shower before I start the laundy and I am standing there naked when he drops the bomb that really blows me up and ruins the evening. He asks if he should make bacon and eggs for dinner or mac and cheese. I tell him whatever he wants and he says mac and cheese. I say ok and then he says the dreaded words: "I was kind of hoping that you would make it" Insert explosion! I literally yell "KInd of like I was hoping you could help me out today??? I guess we are both disappointed"! Then as he yells whatever I hop into the shower and stay in there until I know that he has already eaten. Then I sat in my room all night with a book until i went to bed. So life went on and I apologized and it was over but then last night the ridiculous rage reared its head. I was finishing up some laundry and the drier didnt dry one of my loads. I was out of quarters and completely out of patience for house work. I run upstairs to ask mark if he has more quarters and he is just laying there staring at me. I mean he didn't have quarters but he didnt come up with any solutions. I am at my breaking point and he is sitting there watching the smurfs movie while I am missing it trying to come up with a solution. So when I come back up with abasket of wet clothes and I snap "Is it too much work for you to pause the movie whole i hang these up"? The poor man didn't even respond. he just paused the movie and waited. My husband is an incredible man. I yell and yell at him and he mostly takes it. So as I was sitting on the couch pouting he nudges me and asks me if I want a smurf! Haha! This is why I love my husband. I can be in a complete rage and he knows how to make me smile. I wonder what is it about these past few days that have small issues sending me into a rage. Hopefully whatever it is goes away soon or I learn how to better deal with it.

New Year's Resolutions...

...I do not have any. There are things that I would like to change, but not just because it is a new year. These are things that I have been wanting to change forever. Things that I dislike about myself, things that I wish I did better. There are people I want to love more and some people that I do not want in my life anymore. If that sounds wrong somehow then keep reading and I will explain.
1. Things that I dislike about myself: I want to be thinner and I want to be more tan and I want perfect eyebrows and naturally bright red lips and soft shiny hair. I want to have the image of a Victoria's Secret model. Probably because their fantastic bodies are splashed all over the place and it may have something to do with the fact that my husband one time mentioned one as being beautiful... (If Adriana Lima is ever found dead and I can't be fopund in this country then you know why). These images make me feel inadequate. I also realize that these pictures are airbrushed and there is a lot of make up and fake everything involved. Am I a horrible person to admit that I would take some pretty durastic measures if I knew I could look like that. Instead I sit on my couch and watch netflix and eat snacks because that is what I enjoy doing. People tell me that once I start working out I will enjoy it. Obsess over it is a more accurate description. I have been there before. I may or may not start taking that up soon. I will not make a resolution about it because then I will feel like it is a chore and like people are expecting something from me.
Things I wish I did better: I wish that I was the kind of wife that loved to come home and make dinner and have the whole house in order before her husbnad got home. I am not. I hate cooking and I clean about once a week. Usually my husbnad comes home late and when he gets home I am in bed or on the couch. On the noights that he is home before nine I want to sit there and hang out with him not be in the kitchen the whole night. I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that I work a full time job. If I didn't then I would have no excuses and I would be able to work out and clean and at least attempt to cook. So basically I wish that I did my wifely duties better and that I didnt use all of my energy and resources in the working world.
People that I wish I loved more: I wish that I loved people more completely. I wish that I didnt have alot of the hang ups that I have and that I was able to just completely let go of anything nef=gative. Thats not to sy that people I love wont continue to let me down whether intentional or not, but I don't want the ways people have let me down in the past get in the way of how I treat people now. The people that are probably affected most by this are: My husband and my family. My husband the most. When I say that I wish I loved these people more I do not mean that I do not love them with everything that I have now. I do wish that somehow that love could be bigger and better and I know that, that will only happen when things change inside of me.
People that I do not want in my life anymore: There are people that simply bring you down. Sometimes you do not even realize that they are until you leave the situation. Negativity is a no no. Trying to constantly one up is you is a no no. You need to surround yourself with truth and love and there has been too many instances for me where that is not the case. Then you find yourself falling into that pattern and becoming the negative one. Influence is subtle but it is lasting and to get rid of it you need to cut that person( or rather the spirit) off. That person doesn't even have to be a physical entity in your life. The simple memory of a person can be almost as bad. I want to cut them off completely and not have any part opf the negative those people have left behind. So no I do not have new years resolutions. These things may or may not happen in this year for me a new year is not a new start. A new day is a new start. Everyday I will live with detremination to be the best that I can be and forget yesteday and not worry about tomorrow.