You Get Better

            Something happens that breaks your heart and its something that you think you will never get through or get over. It’s something that haunts you day and night, in your dreams, while you are at work, in the store, everywhere and every second. Sometimes the days after it happens are actually harder and it’s not like within the first week you will start to feel better. Depending on the kind of heart break you may not even feel better in the first few months but someday you will wake up and realize that you can breathe a little easier and suddenly you start to understand that you will get better.

            One night you will go to bed and be crying your eyes out and begging God for a miracle and you will cry so hard that you will wake up with a sore throat and eyes that are swollen shut and as you look at yourself even though you look like you just battled your way through hell you remember that the tears you cried last night were the first ones in a couple of days and although it still hurts you begin to notice that you are getting better.

            There will be a time when you are looking in the mirror and you will be thinking how beautiful you are and how whole you are and you will feel invincible and it will feel like freedom but just as quickly you will be reminded of why this is a new feeling. You will be reminded that something hurt you and took away your confidence and for a moment you will get tears in your eyes and suck in your breath so you don’t cry and when that feeling of hurt passes you can go back to knowing you are complete and you have worth. Even though there was a moment of fear you will know for sure that just thinking about how beautiful you are is proof that you are getting better.

            There will be things that you ignore and that you lock up carefully somewhere deep inside so that they can no longer hurt you and yet at times people will say or do something that is a reminder of what you have hidden away. In that moment there will be a panic unlike any other because you are being reminded of something that you put away so you wouldn't have to deal with it and now its in your face and you still don’t think you can deal with it. Its sitting right there like some kind of gift from the pits of hell and the fear you feel is real. In that moment you will remember that the secret things that break your heart do not change the truth. The truth is that God holds you and he knows what is hidden and he is still taking care of that and he is still in control. When you have remembered this and the panic subsides you can know that having that assurance means that you are getting better.

            Sometimes you will be hanging out with friends and you will be laughing and smiling and living, really living and because of that and because you are getting better you start to feel guilty. It makes you sick to your stomach to know that something that changed your life and broke your heart was so far back in your mind that you were actually OK. That’s actually more scary than the thought of never being OK again…I don’t know why but I understand that. I also know that when it happens it is OK, it’s OK to feel what you are feeling but just remember that it means every single day you are getting better.

            Some days you will feel like you don’t want to get better and that getting better means forgetting and forgetting is scary so you sit in a dark room and finally let yourself feel all of the negative things. The thoughts that you have when it’s quite and your brain is not in a million other directions and you know that’s unhealthy and you know that this is something that could send you over the edge but you just want to feel pain again. You want to feel it again so you can remind yourself that something important that you loved was ripped away from you. You don’t ever want to forget how important it was. Its not what you should be doing but its what you want to  do and no one else has to get that, no one else has to understand but something you should know is that you are getting better. You will find other, less harmful ways to feel and remember but it takes time to sort it out. It takes time to understand that something important that you loved was at one time the best thing in your life and there are good memories and you can use those to feel and remember. The bad can be put away forever. When you finally reach this point it will be so clear that you are getting better.

            The thing about getting better is that it happens… it doesn't happen in a way where you are suddenly better. It is gradual, it is slow and it is really painful but it does happen. You will learn that other people can help you and sometimes with words or hugs there is a temporary feeling of you being OK, but you don’t have a cheerleader squad on your side 24/7 and sometimes you are going to hit a low. When you hit those lows you almost feel the need to be alone and so in truth sometimes you are the one who makes you better. You have to learn how to handle this and it takes some time but you really do learn. And even though this feels like an impossibility one day you will realize that every breath, every tear cried, every scream of frustration, every high and every low is just a road to you getting better. 

My Fight

I know lately that a lot of my posts have been about fighting…fighting to do better and fighting to be better and fighting for the people you love and I guess that’s just because that’s where I am at in my life. The one thing I have realized is that even people who are not doing what’s right are fighting too. They are fighting a downhill battle and it seems easier but it’s still a fight and the end result is hell…forever. I think a lot about people and why they do what they do and I don’t have nay answers and I probably never will but there is something that I know for sure, we are all fighting a fight and there can only be one side that is victorious. God made people to love him and to serve him and when we do that we are doing what is right and we will conquer in the end and that is why I keep fighting every single day. I fight for what is right. I fight to be more than what I was and I fight to go further than where I was. This is the right fight and because of this I have God on my side and I know I win. I fight to keep being right and I conquer every single day but if it’s true that this is the way God made me then I have to think when someone is doing what is wrong it must be a battle. If God created you to be something that you are not being then you are fighting a bigger battle and the end result of that is burning in hell forever. I recently questioned someone and asked them why if you are going to fight anyways would you pick the wrong fight. I am fighting to be who God made me and I know that when I win I get to be in heaven forever. People fighting against what God wants are basically fighting their way to hell and I have to wonder how that makes sense. The only logical answer that I could come up with was that fighting a downhill battle is a lot easier than fighting an uphill battle. I don’t doubt that and I get that people tend to live in the moment and yes in the moment fighting a downhill battle seems so much easier but I cant get past what the end of that battle will be. Eternity is…well its is forever and to have a temporarily harder battle to be somewhere good forever makes more sense to me than a temporarily easy battle to be tormented forever.

            Now I would have to say that I recently realized what my biggest fight is. I fight against being the person that society says I should be. I fight against being a society stereotype and most of the time I barely know how to fight that. I am 26 years old and already have a failed marriage, eviction, horrible debt, etc going against me. I don’t have any kids and have never even been pregnant and it seems like there is no end in sight to the dilemmas of life. I don’t want to be that girl. The way I fight against this is a lot of times by hiding. I don’t want to see people that I used to know that doesn't already know what has happened in my life in the past year because I don’t want to have to once again acknowledge the damage. I fight against being the damaged person, the one who can never trust or love again, and the one that ends up single with cats. I fight against confirming the damage that every single day tries to attach itself to me. I fight to be happy and I fight to feel alive and some days this is easy and some days this is the hardest fight to get through. I love going to bed and closing my eyes and having the dreams that make me happy, but I hate waking up and remembering those dreams. Those same happy dreams make reality seem so broken. I have that person in my life that I miss and I want to talk to and I want to see every single day but then when I do I am exhausted just from their very existence and I fight against putting up walls to block feelings. I fight against putting up walls to block people and their opinions. I don’t really have to fight to not sin, I have seen what sin does first hand and I don’t want that in my life. My fight is just to not be what people expect me to be and just be who I should be. 

Keep Fighting

            I had a dream a while ago, probably about six months ago, and it was a dream that I will never forget. I dream all the time and vividly! I remember the most insignificant details about my dreams; I am a dreamer…literally. I never put much stock into my dreams. I attribute a lot of the craziness to the fact that I eat an unreal amount of junk and then go straight to bed. This dream however was in a completely different category. This dream happened a little while after I moved into my new home without my husband. In short the dream involved me and a friend and then our husbands. In my dream my friend and I were together and we were headed out to meet our husbands somewhere and as we were getting into the car I was aware of an evil demonic presence. This demon was on top of my car and trying to get into my car. I remember my friend on the passenger side with her door closed and I was yelling for her to get her phone and call her husband because this demon was going to kill us and then go after our husbands. I was trying to slam my door shut but the demon stuck its claws into the door and was stopping it from shutting all of the way. I remember being more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life and it wasn't for me and it wasn't for my friend. I was afraid for our husbands because I knew in my dream that the demon needed to kill us before it could get to our husbands and that if we were out of the way it would have an easy access. I remember looking over at my friend as I slammed the door again and again just hoping it would close and she was trying to call her husband. I remember this feeling of despair as I realized it was too late and that we were going to die. Then I turned back to my door and this female demonic spirit was leaning over my car and staring into my window. I can’t explain to you how I knew it was a female or how I knew it really just wanted our husbands but I knew that my death wouldn't be the victory for this creature, it would just be small step towards getting to the real victims. The last thing I remember about the dream is seeing that evil face leering at me. Then I woke up. I was scared out of my mind in my dream but what was worse is that when I woke up the feeling did not leave and I could feel something holding on even while I was awake. I remember laying there with my heart pounding afraid to look around my room and afraid to see anything that was trying to attack me. Finally I just whispered or maybe whimpered “Jesus”. That was it but I knew it was more than enough. Suddenly the paralyzing fear was gone and I was able to sit up in my bed and know that nothing could harm me, that even in a dream I couldn't be defeated. I started praying for all of us who had been in the dream because I fully believe that there had been attempt of an attack on all of us. I know that looking at my life in the past year and seeing how my marriage has ended in every way except legally you would think that whatever the attack was in my dream had happened in real life but that’s not true. The reason I know this is because I was already separated from my husband. Once it has happened it cannot happen again so I was not fighting for that in my dream. This was on a whole other level. Also my friend and her husband are doing awesome and they are expecting their first child in a month. So if they were in my dream because they were fighting a similar fight then they won that. Also I am not defeated, I am stronger than ever. I could not be killed in my dream or in real life so there is no way that this evil spirit got past me. I know that I am undefeated and that I have all power and there is no way there was a victory for the demon that night. I’m not crazy and I do not believe in the boogey man or zombies or anything like that but I do believe in spirits and I know for a fact that there are evil spirits that attach themselves to people. The one thing that this evil spirit didn't count on was the greater spirit that I have. I have the Holy Ghost and absolutely nothing evil can touch me. The reason that I have been thinking about this dream today is because this was a fight in the spiritual and the church is fighting every single day and we are winning. I start to feel so exhausted at times and do not want to fight anymore. I get so caught up in everything else in life and I start battling people. Then that the fight becomes more than I can handle. The thing is…I want to fight. There are people that I love so much that are spiritually dying and I don’t want to sit back and watch that happen. I don’t want to be fighting the wrong fight and end up watching everyone I love die in the process. I don’t want anyone going to hell. That goes for people I know, people I don’t know, people that feel like they don’t deserve it, everyone! I mean I am fighting my own fight and you cannot really fight someone else’s fight but you can pray. You can start loosing things and setting people free. Obviously I am speaking about the church, the people with the power. We tend to make statements, even in innocence and then think that they have no repercussions. They do. If we have the power to bind things or loose things I don’t want to say that anyone is going to hell, or that they can never change. I don’t want to be binding them up in chains when I could be claiming their salvation and loosing them to be free and have an amazing life. I want to fight the real fight, the spiritual fight and just love people. I want the kind of love for everyone that can set them free. I don’t want to be in control of them or feel like I have to save them on my own, but I want to be fight off any evil thing binding them. I don’t want to be weary or exhausted in this, I want to excel and be what I am supposed to be. When I think about that dream I think about the fact that in those very moments there was a fight happening. I may have been asleep but there was fight anyways. I don’t even want to be unprepared; I want to do what I have to do to be ready. The thing is…the battle is already won. I am already victorious, I win! I want to live like I win. I want to warrior through this with the knowledge that this is a done deal. I don’t have to be afraid. I don’t want anyone who has the power that I have to be afraid. You are not doing something that will not be victorious. You are winning every single day. Say that prayer for someone you love or better yet for someone you can’t stand. Speak the truth and stand up for what is right. Don’t lose hope. Fight the fight! We will come, we will fight, and we will conquer!