My Fight

I know lately that a lot of my posts have been about fighting…fighting to do better and fighting to be better and fighting for the people you love and I guess that’s just because that’s where I am at in my life. The one thing I have realized is that even people who are not doing what’s right are fighting too. They are fighting a downhill battle and it seems easier but it’s still a fight and the end result is hell…forever. I think a lot about people and why they do what they do and I don’t have nay answers and I probably never will but there is something that I know for sure, we are all fighting a fight and there can only be one side that is victorious. God made people to love him and to serve him and when we do that we are doing what is right and we will conquer in the end and that is why I keep fighting every single day. I fight for what is right. I fight to be more than what I was and I fight to go further than where I was. This is the right fight and because of this I have God on my side and I know I win. I fight to keep being right and I conquer every single day but if it’s true that this is the way God made me then I have to think when someone is doing what is wrong it must be a battle. If God created you to be something that you are not being then you are fighting a bigger battle and the end result of that is burning in hell forever. I recently questioned someone and asked them why if you are going to fight anyways would you pick the wrong fight. I am fighting to be who God made me and I know that when I win I get to be in heaven forever. People fighting against what God wants are basically fighting their way to hell and I have to wonder how that makes sense. The only logical answer that I could come up with was that fighting a downhill battle is a lot easier than fighting an uphill battle. I don’t doubt that and I get that people tend to live in the moment and yes in the moment fighting a downhill battle seems so much easier but I cant get past what the end of that battle will be. Eternity is…well its is forever and to have a temporarily harder battle to be somewhere good forever makes more sense to me than a temporarily easy battle to be tormented forever.

            Now I would have to say that I recently realized what my biggest fight is. I fight against being the person that society says I should be. I fight against being a society stereotype and most of the time I barely know how to fight that. I am 26 years old and already have a failed marriage, eviction, horrible debt, etc going against me. I don’t have any kids and have never even been pregnant and it seems like there is no end in sight to the dilemmas of life. I don’t want to be that girl. The way I fight against this is a lot of times by hiding. I don’t want to see people that I used to know that doesn't already know what has happened in my life in the past year because I don’t want to have to once again acknowledge the damage. I fight against being the damaged person, the one who can never trust or love again, and the one that ends up single with cats. I fight against confirming the damage that every single day tries to attach itself to me. I fight to be happy and I fight to feel alive and some days this is easy and some days this is the hardest fight to get through. I love going to bed and closing my eyes and having the dreams that make me happy, but I hate waking up and remembering those dreams. Those same happy dreams make reality seem so broken. I have that person in my life that I miss and I want to talk to and I want to see every single day but then when I do I am exhausted just from their very existence and I fight against putting up walls to block feelings. I fight against putting up walls to block people and their opinions. I don’t really have to fight to not sin, I have seen what sin does first hand and I don’t want that in my life. My fight is just to not be what people expect me to be and just be who I should be.