More lately than ever I am acutely aware that I have been afraid for far too long. Im not sure how I realized this because its not the kind of fear where I sit shaking waiting for the boogey man to jump out at me. It is more of a fear of life. Life is not guaranteed to anyone...at least not in this physical body. At any given moment you can be taken from this life. So many people I know have, in the past few years, been diagnosed with some horrible life threatening illness or have died suddenly in some sort of accident. It is true that you know you are.getting older when the number of people you know who have died is getting bigger. In my husbands family alone two people he was close to have passed away and another one is fighting cancer. Those are just the most recent people there have been so many more that I know of. Apart from death there are other things in life that can forever change the way you live. Something physically dehabilitating can alter even the smallest aspects of your life. Someone you love can betray you and hurt you, leaving scars (yes wounds heal but scars are a reminder that some type of damage was done) that you will always live with. Just simply getting up every single day puts you at risk in some way. Is that cynical of me? Yes it is. Why is it that everytime you hear of something horrible happening to a person you automatically put yourself in that situation? Like how would I ever survived if that happened to me or my family? That almost brings on depression because for a minute you can imagine what that other person or family is feeling and its never good. Constant reminders of how fragile life is can be stressful. It brings on an amazing amount of anxiety. I am so incredibly guilty of doing this. Playing into the fear and letting lies take over. Why should I be upset and angry and almost treating my husband badly because I may know some husbands out there that are being less than honorable? I absolutely should not! Why should I start looking for signs of sickenss in my body because someone I know is ill. I cannot! These are not Gods wake up calls for your life! Its not like he is screaming for you to look at these peoples hardships and try to remedy your own life. He is still in complete control of every situation and he doesn't need help from peoples personal tradgedies to get your attention. There is such an obsession in this world to know peoples business and try to fix fix fix! You alone will never fix anyone so why stress out trying to. There is a difference between having care and love for someone and wanting to control someones life. I want to love and care for people without feeling like I have to fix people. Its when I begin to try and fix situations that I become fearful and fret. I want to live freely. I don't want to wake up every single day wondering what tradgedy may befall me. I want to wake up everyday and thank God for another day to live completely in him. In him there is no fear of anything...not even life.

Am I insane? oh no I am a woman!

Today when I woke up I was in the Thousand Islands with my husband, father in law, and my little sister in law. I realized with a yawn that in a few short hours the vacation would be done and I would be back home to my clean, air conditioned, comfortable home. I was thrilled to be able to get back to my huge pillow top queen sized bed. Let me interrupt myself for a moment by saying that this was not quite the vacation I had been expecting. this was supposed to be a family trip to Ohio and then into Cedar Point! Woohoo!!!! I had never been and thought that this would be an amazingly fun experience for me! Well Cedar point turned into the Thousand Islands. Still exciting but not Cedar Point exciting. I was then told that I may be tent camping! Eeeek! I am in no way a tent camper. I like clean showers and easily accessible bathrooms. Well my fears were calmed when it was decided we would spend the two nights in a hotel (notice the word hotel). Yay me! I was getting my own way in this area. Monday morning as I headed into work at 4:30am for my short shift I kept the thought that this was the day we would go on our vacation. I day dreamed (if you can call that hour of the morning day time...I honestly don't call anything before the sun comes up day) about how amazing it would be to get to the Thousand Islands and walk around the beautiful Alexandria Bay. We would peruse the little shops and restaurants and be totally relaxed. Go see Boldt Castle in all its glory and eat good food. Then end our vacation days by hugging my father and sister in law good night and head to our own hotel rooms. Then Mark and I would get some alone time ;) and fall asleep cuddling and probably watching some lame but just amusing enough tv show. All morning long this kept me going. I did small things at work to expedite our take off time. I wrote a list of what still had to be packed and I picked up a few items for the road. Yes!!!!! I was going on vacation. I arrived home to be greeted by silence...apparently my husband and his father had their own last minute errands. So I quickly showered, changed, and packed. Waiting and waiting for this vacation to take place. Finally the boys and Gabby came and we grabbed our bags and headed out. Nothing could deter my mood at this point...not even staying in the Greece area for another hour for a trip to wegmans and the library. I even kept my voice somewhat cheerful when I announced to everyone that it was not Vacation for me until we were somewhere I didn't recognize. I wasn't even too put off that I spent the three hour trip in the back seat. It was only about an hour away rrom our destination when a small feeling of dread pushed its way into my fantasy. Apparently we hadn't booked any hotel (again notice the word hotel) and we were gonna find one when we got there. The catch was we had to find one that we could afford to stay at and have money for food throughout this vacation. Then I noticed my father in law kept saying the word room and not rooms. The feeling of dread grew! Part of me wanted to stop the car and tell them there was no way we could all share a room. When I mentioned the part of the day dream where Mark and I had alone time I didn't mean alone time talking! I also hadn't packed terribly appropriate pajamas due to the fact that I had anticipated some time away from others at night. Luckily I had brought one pair of pants in case it got chilly...well chilly or not those pants were the pjs I was wearing! I am a brat and in most cases this situation would have brought me to tears but I was sittong in the back seat next to my twelve year old sister! I mean I am a grown woman for goodness sake. I contemplated texting my husband a WTF but that didn't seem wholly appropriate either. He also has this thing where he would have blurted out something to call me out. Horror number 2 came about as I realized that in man speak the word hotel and motel mean the same thing. They do not in anyway mean the same thing. Motels are generally more skeevy and well...small. Let me tell you small didn't do our motel room justice. Two twin beds a mini fridge and microwave shoved into a room the size of my apartments dining room with a bathroom the size of my tub for 4 people was just enough to break me. I stood in the room already scratching my head trying not to think of all the small creatures God has created that live in motel rooms. I went into the uh...bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. It was only after I whacked my elbow on the wall after merely turning slightly to wash my hands that I realized I had a choice. This was my vacation like it or not. This was an opportunity to let go of all of my pre determined ideas of what my vacation would be like. I could enjoy the time of no work and spending all day with people I adored and jsut relax or I could spaz out about my now throbbing elbow and the oddly stained sheets (no we didn't sleep on them). I chose to shut my mouth and relax. I chose to be positive and ya know what? I had a good time for these past two days. I learned that although it wasn't what I had first decided would be the best time ever it was something to appreciate. For the first time ever I spendpt a good deal of time with Gabby. We joked and danced around and laughed and annoyed the guys and I love that girl. I learned to appreciate my family...the best family I could ever ask for. We all stayed in that room and no one fought about anything or got in each others way. So although this morning I woke up looking forward to my own bed and bathroom I also felt a little depressed. I felt little tears well up when I hugged gabby goodbye. I sighed a bit as I stood there watching my father in law pull away and even slamming Mark in the arm and yelling PT Bruiser didn't completely offset the lonely feeling. Now Im sitting on my couch writing this and realizing life is what you personally make it. Yes life is what it is...but according to you, not what people tell you it is.