One Year

One year ago today I married the man of my dreams...literally. I dreamt of the day he would finally be mine. It's funny how women pray for a man with certain qualities and say that he needs to be this and that. I prayed for three years to marry Mark knowing that he didn't have the qualities that a good husband needed. Here's what I knew for sure I wouldn't marry him if he wasn't in the church and by in the church I didn't mean just coming to church, I meant being fully invested in the church and what we believe. So that being said I prayed to marry Mark and only Mark because I knew that if I married him he would have at some point possessed the qualities and virtues necessary to be a great man. On December 3rd of 2010 I married Mark. My life was forever changed. Alot of the changes were amazing and wonderful. Some of the changes were slightly painful growing experiences, all of the changes were life altering. I know we have so many more hurdles to overcome and so many things to look toward to, but I am happy to say that we came through this past year stronger and closer. They say the first year is the hardest and I believe that to be true for those of us who go about marriage and relationships the way God intended. Moving in with someone and becoming so intimately connected all at the same time is a culture shock. It is also a beautiful thing and I am so incredibly blessed to have been through the ups and downs with the man of dreams. He has been everything to me and he has without a doubt become my best friend. He makes me smile the biggest smile, laugh the hardest laugh, and love the best love I have in my heart. Because he is my other half I am complete with him. If there is one thing this past year has taught me it is this: True love is not always the mushy gushy things you say or the passionate feelings you have. It's not always the flowers or cards or the spoken affection that is easy to have when times are good. It is not sex no matter how "in love" you think you are afterwards. True love is all of the above mixed in to the complete commitment you have to your husband or wife. It is the ability to give all of yourself to someone and never be depleted because they have done the same for you. True love is the strength you have together in hard times because you have put God above everything else in life. Thank you to everyone who has helped me learn this. Thank you to my husband who has let me experience true love :-)

Warning: I do refer to unborn babies as Lima Beans.

How many women do you suppose got pregnant just so they would have something er...rather someone to blame for their emotional, hormonal train wreck of an existence? Heck at that point you have two people to blame. Your stud of a husband and the tiny lima bean looking thing that turns into a baby. Yes, yes I know it must be different when it's your lima bean and you're squealing about it like its already the gerber baby; but honestly that blob in the grainy black and white ultra sound pic looks like a lima bean and nothing more. I can openly admit that one day when I have that poor excuse for my babies first picture, I am going to show anyone I come in contact with. I will point out details that no one else notices because they don't know what they are looking for. I will also refer to my baby as this many weeks old even though no one throws the kid a party (no moms don't fool yourselves the shower was all about you and what you wanted. Junior doesn't know what he is gonna want to wear or what crib sheet he wants) until you start referring to them as at least a year old. Can you imagine telling people "today is Juniors 48 week birthday party"? I can't. I will however do these things with pride and you wanna know why? Because I will love that little lima bean the minute I know it exists, but I will also blame almost everything on him/her. I sometimes want to be pregnant just so I don't get asked the constant questions of: Is it just an off day? Are you PMSing? Is your husband treating you ok? Or my husbands favorite one: what's wrong with you now? To all these questions I would have an answer...Im Pregnant. That pretty much explains away any question when it comes to your sanity. Also when I wanna eat more than enough food for three of me at one meal. Ill just pat the baby belly and smile. When im tired ill say the pregnancy is making me tired. When I don't want to do something ill just say that its not good for the baby. "Oh babe you needed the clothes washed? The doc said its not good for me to pick up the clothes. Could hurt the baby you know?" Or "sorry I just slapped you when you asked how im feeling...its the pregnancy" shoot some people have told me they had to get up in the middle of the night and eat cause the baby was hungry! Its amazing the things you can do or say when you are pregnant and people just believe you and let it happen. So not that I ever turn my husband down, because I don't...EVER, but the next time he gets that "loving feeling" my answer is not just yes but heck yes! Knock me up and give me an excuse to make you work like a slave! Give me an excuse to eat alot, and cry alot, and get fat, and have you still supporting my every bad habit. Yay to all you expectant mothers out there loving your unborn child and making the world pay for it. I truly sometimes wish I was you :)

Retraction

First of all I would like to apologize to all of my readers. My last couple of posts have been super melodramatic. Not that I was not feeling those things. They were very real to me and very upsetting. I was going through alot of emotions and I do not apologize for that, I am more than anything apologizing for the way I went about posting them. The posts all seemed to bring a negative light to my husband, my marriage, and my life in general. I do apologize to any of you who may have read this and had to think twice about if I love my husband. He is my life. Everything I do, I do to make him happy and to help him. I would not want it to be any other way.I love doing things just for him that make him especially happy. I guess lately some things have been blinding me to reality. I have been letting feelings and lies get in the way of the truth. I do apologize for that. This post is just to say that there is nothing bad happening in my marriage. We are growing and some arguments and differences will happen. I have no doubt that they will make us stronger. I guess I was having doubts but I am now more sure than ever that we are ok and everything is right.

I dont know

Since the last time I posted a blog on here a few things have changed.the biggest and most important change is my job. I quit the hell I called a job and started a brand new job. Its a completely different environment and a so much better! I love my job. I love the people I work with and there are many great benefits to having this new job. Things are changing all around me. The weather has changed drastically since my last post. Its now usually cold but the colors outdoors are amazing. The oranges and red are in full bloom and everything is so pretty. I despise winter yet I love fall. I like that it can be warmer in the day time and cool at night and I like that apple and pumpkin treats are abounding. I love apple cider and egg not and all of that. Im gonna especially love having this thanksgiving holiday off. Yay! Another score for the new job. For the most part everything is good. The one thing I feel as though im having a hard time balancing is yet another speed bump on the road to happily married. No, no my husband hasn't done anything horrendous. He isn't a horrible man and im not done with marriage. I just seem to realize that sometimes there is a fine line between providing for your family and tearing your relationship to shreds! I have to wonder how good is it for your husband to never be home because he works constantly. How much is it actually benefitting our family for him to not be around because he works from seven in the morning till midnight. So we have been paying our bills but we barely have communication. When we are together its like one of us is always exhausted and grumpy and the other is feeling so neglected that they don't have the patience to deal with it. Its not ok to go out and work hours upon hours and think you're servicing your family when you're really not doing any good for the family its also not ok for me to neglect my home just because i get home a little later from work now. I think the one thing that's so hard to balance is a good life and support system from just being a financial supporter. Its like wow I don't have a husband or wife...I have a financial sponsor of this union. Its funny because usually sponsors aren't in the actual event. When someone sponsors you for a walk-a-thon they aren't walking with you they just pay you for doing it. In marriage you need support but you also participation. Im not saying im doing this and my husbands not im saying that lately both of us have checked out of the relationship thinking we are doing some good by being more financially supportive. I do however feel like at this point im the one who realizes its a problem. Whenever I try to bring it up its not received very well. How do you tell a man that even though he thinks he is doing good that he is dead wrong? I would rather live in a cardboard box and have him with me more often then have to deal with this life everyday without him. When you scream this at him apparently its not considered sweet or caring...its judged as nagging and not appreciating him. I try to look at it like a labor of love but when I have a roommate more than I have a husband its really hard to see. What to do? I don't know. This post isn't going to end with me giving the answer or finding revelation. This post is gonna end with me wondering how something so fragile and breaking is gonna end up in a strong loving union.

Depression- Being pressed down

     Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was one of those random days that happens to me whether I try to be ok or not. I looked up the definition off depression before writing this blog and the most common meanings are: 1. To be pressed down 2. Sadness and gloom. Yup both of those apply when I have these days. I know that people with clinical depression probably deal with it every single day and for that I am sympathetic. For me one day every couple months or so is bad enough. I can't fight it so I have stopped trying. That's not to say I don't smile fakely or try to pretend Im just tired, I definitely do both of those things. Its easier for me than saying "im feeling broken right now and I would take feeling numb over wanting to hide away forever" faking an ok attitude and just pushing it off as a blah day seems to work. My husband thinks I have random days of being moody. This is because rather than be balling to him without an explanation handy, I act bratty. I get snappy and irritable because inside im screaming for help but on the outside I don't know how to ask. I guess maybe I don't need help as much as I need understanding. I need people to realize that something in me is a mess, but I don't know what that is. If I can't tell you what's wrong I guess I can't expect for you to help me. Still being human and stubborn I wait for someone, anyone to tell me its gonna be ok. It will pass. Things will change and maybe tomorrow I will be feeling fine again and laughing. I have two problems which probably make this  situation worse. First of all, I do not know how to just say that I need help or that I am not ok. I can communicate how much I love someone or try to help other people figure out what they need. I can pray with understanding for someone else and believe with everything in me that they will make it. I cannot simply raise my hand and ask for help from the only people that can give it to me. I guess saying this right now is more of a revelation and maybe now I will pray not for my problems but for my faith and trust in people to be restored so I can get help from the body when I need it. Maybe if I can explain a little more in this writing form than even I will understand what it is I need.
I am not about to jump off of a bridge and no I do not want to harm myself or other people. In truth I am an incredibly blessed person and I live most of my days in complete happiness! I have been given so much and I do not disregard any of that. I affirm it. On those bad days, however, I lose touch of what I know is true and I can only think about what I feel. It feels like sin...it may be sin. We know that feelings can lie so how come on the bad depression days do I only let that in? I know better but the feelings are so strong and they affect my entire aspect on life. For me there is no explanation as to why these days randomly pop up. I would love to blame it on the hormone changes running rampant in my body, but this has been going on for quite a few years now. Its different than just being upset. When im upset alot of the symptoms are the same but the outcome is hugely different. When im upset I get over it in a matter of minutes. When  im at a low point (I don't know if its safe to even call it depression) it could take a day or more for me to get back up. When im just upset I can pinpoint what upset me. I know (even if I act like its nothing) what has really upset me. Not with the bad days. On those days I couldn't tell you what set me off. I couldn't tell myself. Its an unknown force dragging me under. Its a mixture of loneliness and fear...but its not because something horrible is happening. Its not because im alone alot. It just happens.
Today I feel better. I barely got any sleep last night and woke up horribly nauseas and drive heaved in the back at work just from the smell of the sanitizer we use. This job is a psychotic hell and im so exhausted that im not sure ill be able to function, but I don't feel like sobbing uncontrollably today. That is a plus!! I should be able to take a nap and then hopefully wake up refreshed and not groggy. Im going to a friends baby shower tonight so it will be a nice night. All of this hopefully means the depression is easing and ill be back to normal! I wont think about next time because I refuse to dwell on that. Plus maybe by the next time ill have learned to ask for help and then there can be fewer bad days :)

Someday My Prince Will Come????

I believe there is a point in a girl's life where she really and truly expects to be swept off her feet by a prince on a white horse. As she gets older and sees how the real world works maybe she doesn't expect a prince, rather a financially well off handsome guy. Maybe she doesn't really think he will carry her off on a white stallion...unless you're counting the mustang he should be driving ;)However there is still that pipe dream of having someone amazing in every way. He is going to treat you like a queen, and he is going to have money, and he is gonna love your parents! Whatever you picture as the perfect man is what you wait in hope for. Then you get old enough to realize that even those dreams can be far off or seem impossible. You may date some losers that forever ruin your opinion of the male population. Just keep in mind they are speed bumps in the road to happily ever after but they are not road blocks!!! Believe me I know. At one point in time my very own prince charming was more of a speed bump than anything. I do realize now that biggest speed bump I dealt with was me. I allowed for some things to go on in my life that should have never taken place and that set me back further than any guy. Sometimes us girls have a desperate faze where we think we would marry almost anyone prince charming or not just to have someone to share life with. Let me tell you...you are not all together wrong. Let me back step for a moment to explain what I mean...
Sometimes early in the morning when I have to be up at the crack of dawn, and my husband is all snuggly safe in bed, I look at him in amazement. He really is my prince charming (even that cliche and corny title sounds too lame for him). He is my everything and I can never ever give him enough love. He is the perfect man for me and he is the person I love the absolute most in the entire world. We currently have no children so I can say that ;) He makes me laugh all of the time just to see me smile. He works even harder at it when he knows Im upset...especially with him. He is an amazing provider and works crazy hours and then comes home and tries to help me sort out all my problems. He proves to me every day that he loves me with his actions. I have never trusted someone with my heart the way that I trust him. This is a miracle. God worked a literal miracle for me to have this good marriage. As I mentioned above my husband was not always this to me. The first time we started dating I became obsessed with him. Mind you this is after coming off of a relationship that should have never ever happened. I don't know how you can fall truly in love with someone as fast as I did with him. Many people will say it wasn't true love yet...maybe it was not, however I believe that for as much as I could at the time I loved him with everything I had. Then he broke my heart and suddenly prince charming was gone. Out of my life for good or so I thought. The love was still there. I didn't fully get over him. Maybe a year or a little more later he came back into my life and I thought OMG another chance to be with him. Life had happened and I wasn't the same girl. By now reality had stepped all over my heart TWICE! But I thought this was my redeeming chance to have the love I wanted. We clicked right away almost picking up where we had left off. The only thing missing was maybe my level of trust and my clear judgment. This time when he walked away from me he left a bigger mess. Never fully being able to get over him from the first time only to have my heart crushed twice by the same person making it a third time that I was left emptied and emotionless by a guy just sent me into a downward spiral. I was older and I knew that there was no way I could ever trust someone ever again. I didn't even try to get into any other serious relationships. I had many flirt buddies and yeah I did get guys attention but it was to fill a void in my life. That's when the people started giving me lines like...the right guy is out there and the one guy for you will come along. Just wait for the perfect man. What a load of bull!!!!!!!!! To make matters worse every time I did think I had moved on he would show up again or randomly text me and just confuse me. I never did not answer him. He was still secretly the love of my life..or not so secretly depending on who you ask. I cared about him more than I cared about myself. I prayed for him every day, multiple times a day. Any time I imagined giving my heart to someone else I would start to panic! Not only did I not want to have to go through another relationship to only be let down but I also held on to a small hope that he would come back. This story has a happy ending. He did come back and he proved himself trustworthy and he fixed the brokenness that he had caused. he is my perfect man and he is my prince charming...but he didn't start off that way.
I said all that to say this: Many men can be the "perfect man" for you. Lets see< if you make a list of things you want in a man, more than one person is going to meet that criteria. So does that mean that there are 10 or more different perfect men for you...yeah it does. I could have probably married some other man who would have treated me amazing and given me a good life and love. I could have learned to love him...I just didn't. I waited for the man I loved...and yes now he is Mr. Perfect but was he always that? No. He is that because I chose him. You cant pick the wrong man and end up with Mr. Runner Up. The man you pick is going to be the perfect one. Don't wait around for some guy with a sign that says he's the one. I don't think they are just gonna come to you. Go work for him! Make it someone that you are completely committed to. My goodness do you think that some guy with a shimmery glow is gonna approach you and that you will know its him? First of all if that happens RUN FAST!!!! He is not human. Secondly don't be a lazy pants princess or you will end up with a schmuck! Be proactive and get a guy that will become your Mr. Perfect.

My father once told me that because I love deeply, I grieve deeply. At the time of this statement I didn't realize what kind of impact that would have. To be honest Im not sure it was a positive one. During this time I was upset, I felt as though my broken heart would never ever be the same. I was somewhat dramatic and so I was also feeling like I wanted life to end. There was my father, my hero trying to help me out of another situation in which I fell flat on my face and alls i was thinkinking the whole time was that life couldn't get worse. Like with every speech a parent gives, his words finally settled in. What he had meant as positive reinforcement I used, however subconsciously, as a way to shut down. Instead of feeling or grieving deeply I would try to feel nothing at all. I only allowed people in that had never ever in life hurt me. Thankfully there were a few. People I felt like were a threat were kept at arms length. That goes against what Pastor preaches and Im not proud that I took that stance but that's what happened. Eventually those pointless walls I had built started to come down. The love of my life and the man who probably hurt me the worst came back into my life and built my trust back up. He has now become not only my husband but my strongest ally and most trusted person. There is never a day where I think he will hurt me. Because of this I thought I was over my whole blocking emotion out phase. Not so much...during arguments with him I tend to still shut down, at least in small ways. I was more aware of how I do still shut down in extreme emotional times this past week. Marks grandma" Grammie" passed away. It was indirectly from lung cancer. We found out about it what seems like a few short months ago and last monday she was gone. By this point everyone knew it was happening and although they were devestated I think the family was less shocked than I. I just assumed that because we had all been praying she would eventually get better. My husband left the house at six in the morning to go meet his family. He told me to stay home and go to work, she was already gone. As soon as he left the house I started crying. I didn't know why but it broke my heart and I didn't know how to explain that to anyone. She was an amazing woman. She always told me she loved me and always made sure I was ok and I was just her grandson's wife. I hadn't been born her granddaughter but she never treated me differently than her grand kids. Infact one saturday afternoon before we knew how sick she was Mark and I went by her house. He was outside looking at her car and I stayed inside to talk with her and drink coffee. Mark and I had just been in a small financial struggle due to the stupidity of car insurance agencies. Without thinking it over at all she offered the money she had from her tax returns and we could pay her back when we git back on our feet. My husband wasn't even in the room it wasn't some show to achieve the best grandmother of the year award. She truly loved her family and she didn't want to see us struggle. In the year and a half or so that I ws around her I did love her. When she died I cried that one morning and figured it was due to being over tired. I wouldn't let it happen again. I wasn't feeling sad or devestated. I wasn't really feeling anything. I had run back to those shambles of a wall that I called protection. I had so many excuses in my own mind. I needed to be strong for Mark. I wasn't appart of the family long enough to warrant emotional turmoil. And for the next three days I played that game well. During the wake I sat there talking and trying to keep the mood as light as possible. I really didn't feel too much apart from exhaustion and I was almost proud of how well I was doing. The morning of the funeral I still felt ok...well emotionless. Most of the service was a boring catholic routine. The priest seemed like a moron. Like he barely knew her. But then her oldest son, Uncle David, got up and gave a tribute to his mother. It was the most heartfelt moment of the entire service and as he spoke about her I could finally feel the devestation that death has on a family. Then they played this song that they had picked out in her honor and I randomly started bawling. Finally some emotional release but even as. I sat there crying I remember thinking what am I doing? I have no right to do this. My little cousin Lauren whose grandmother was the one that had just died wrapped her arms around me and we cried together for a few minutes. I was almost so ashamed I couldnt even look at my husband. I felt like an intruder because throughout this whole ordeal i had been so closed off. It didn't seem to matter to anyone though. Everyone was grieving. That's when I started to realize that maybe without meaning to I had been holding back. Not just in this situation but in alot of ways. By not being completely open I was lying about who I was and what I felt. No one deserves that from me. My husband, my family, all the people I love should get all of me. It wont always be good and I am sure that there are times when I will still falter and want to hide myself away. They say acceptance is the first step to recovery. Its so cliche but Im hoping that now that I realize what the problem ha been, I can start to get past it. I wont be able to do it alone but the beautiful thing is that I wont have to. My dad didn't mean his speech to do damage to who I was. He was proud of what I was and how deeply I felt life's issues. He wanted me to know that it was ok to so broken because it meant that I was really loving people. So what I took and made negative I can turn around. I will make it something amazing. Well I will at least try. I don't want to ever have to hide my grief because it meant I cared. I don't ever want the people I care about to not know how much I love them.

More lately than ever I am acutely aware that I have been afraid for far too long. Im not sure how I realized this because its not the kind of fear where I sit shaking waiting for the boogey man to jump out at me. It is more of a fear of life. Life is not guaranteed to anyone...at least not in this physical body. At any given moment you can be taken from this life. So many people I know have, in the past few years, been diagnosed with some horrible life threatening illness or have died suddenly in some sort of accident. It is true that you know you are.getting older when the number of people you know who have died is getting bigger. In my husbands family alone two people he was close to have passed away and another one is fighting cancer. Those are just the most recent people there have been so many more that I know of. Apart from death there are other things in life that can forever change the way you live. Something physically dehabilitating can alter even the smallest aspects of your life. Someone you love can betray you and hurt you, leaving scars (yes wounds heal but scars are a reminder that some type of damage was done) that you will always live with. Just simply getting up every single day puts you at risk in some way. Is that cynical of me? Yes it is. Why is it that everytime you hear of something horrible happening to a person you automatically put yourself in that situation? Like how would I ever survived if that happened to me or my family? That almost brings on depression because for a minute you can imagine what that other person or family is feeling and its never good. Constant reminders of how fragile life is can be stressful. It brings on an amazing amount of anxiety. I am so incredibly guilty of doing this. Playing into the fear and letting lies take over. Why should I be upset and angry and almost treating my husband badly because I may know some husbands out there that are being less than honorable? I absolutely should not! Why should I start looking for signs of sickenss in my body because someone I know is ill. I cannot! These are not Gods wake up calls for your life! Its not like he is screaming for you to look at these peoples hardships and try to remedy your own life. He is still in complete control of every situation and he doesn't need help from peoples personal tradgedies to get your attention. There is such an obsession in this world to know peoples business and try to fix fix fix! You alone will never fix anyone so why stress out trying to. There is a difference between having care and love for someone and wanting to control someones life. I want to love and care for people without feeling like I have to fix people. Its when I begin to try and fix situations that I become fearful and fret. I want to live freely. I don't want to wake up every single day wondering what tradgedy may befall me. I want to wake up everyday and thank God for another day to live completely in him. In him there is no fear of anything...not even life.

Am I insane? oh no I am a woman!

Today when I woke up I was in the Thousand Islands with my husband, father in law, and my little sister in law. I realized with a yawn that in a few short hours the vacation would be done and I would be back home to my clean, air conditioned, comfortable home. I was thrilled to be able to get back to my huge pillow top queen sized bed. Let me interrupt myself for a moment by saying that this was not quite the vacation I had been expecting. this was supposed to be a family trip to Ohio and then into Cedar Point! Woohoo!!!! I had never been and thought that this would be an amazingly fun experience for me! Well Cedar point turned into the Thousand Islands. Still exciting but not Cedar Point exciting. I was then told that I may be tent camping! Eeeek! I am in no way a tent camper. I like clean showers and easily accessible bathrooms. Well my fears were calmed when it was decided we would spend the two nights in a hotel (notice the word hotel). Yay me! I was getting my own way in this area. Monday morning as I headed into work at 4:30am for my short shift I kept the thought that this was the day we would go on our vacation. I day dreamed (if you can call that hour of the morning day time...I honestly don't call anything before the sun comes up day) about how amazing it would be to get to the Thousand Islands and walk around the beautiful Alexandria Bay. We would peruse the little shops and restaurants and be totally relaxed. Go see Boldt Castle in all its glory and eat good food. Then end our vacation days by hugging my father and sister in law good night and head to our own hotel rooms. Then Mark and I would get some alone time ;) and fall asleep cuddling and probably watching some lame but just amusing enough tv show. All morning long this kept me going. I did small things at work to expedite our take off time. I wrote a list of what still had to be packed and I picked up a few items for the road. Yes!!!!! I was going on vacation. I arrived home to be greeted by silence...apparently my husband and his father had their own last minute errands. So I quickly showered, changed, and packed. Waiting and waiting for this vacation to take place. Finally the boys and Gabby came and we grabbed our bags and headed out. Nothing could deter my mood at this point...not even staying in the Greece area for another hour for a trip to wegmans and the library. I even kept my voice somewhat cheerful when I announced to everyone that it was not Vacation for me until we were somewhere I didn't recognize. I wasn't even too put off that I spent the three hour trip in the back seat. It was only about an hour away rrom our destination when a small feeling of dread pushed its way into my fantasy. Apparently we hadn't booked any hotel (again notice the word hotel) and we were gonna find one when we got there. The catch was we had to find one that we could afford to stay at and have money for food throughout this vacation. Then I noticed my father in law kept saying the word room and not rooms. The feeling of dread grew! Part of me wanted to stop the car and tell them there was no way we could all share a room. When I mentioned the part of the day dream where Mark and I had alone time I didn't mean alone time talking! I also hadn't packed terribly appropriate pajamas due to the fact that I had anticipated some time away from others at night. Luckily I had brought one pair of pants in case it got chilly...well chilly or not those pants were the pjs I was wearing! I am a brat and in most cases this situation would have brought me to tears but I was sittong in the back seat next to my twelve year old sister! I mean I am a grown woman for goodness sake. I contemplated texting my husband a WTF but that didn't seem wholly appropriate either. He also has this thing where he would have blurted out something to call me out. Horror number 2 came about as I realized that in man speak the word hotel and motel mean the same thing. They do not in anyway mean the same thing. Motels are generally more skeevy and well...small. Let me tell you small didn't do our motel room justice. Two twin beds a mini fridge and microwave shoved into a room the size of my apartments dining room with a bathroom the size of my tub for 4 people was just enough to break me. I stood in the room already scratching my head trying not to think of all the small creatures God has created that live in motel rooms. I went into the uh...bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. It was only after I whacked my elbow on the wall after merely turning slightly to wash my hands that I realized I had a choice. This was my vacation like it or not. This was an opportunity to let go of all of my pre determined ideas of what my vacation would be like. I could enjoy the time of no work and spending all day with people I adored and jsut relax or I could spaz out about my now throbbing elbow and the oddly stained sheets (no we didn't sleep on them). I chose to shut my mouth and relax. I chose to be positive and ya know what? I had a good time for these past two days. I learned that although it wasn't what I had first decided would be the best time ever it was something to appreciate. For the first time ever I spendpt a good deal of time with Gabby. We joked and danced around and laughed and annoyed the guys and I love that girl. I learned to appreciate my family...the best family I could ever ask for. We all stayed in that room and no one fought about anything or got in each others way. So although this morning I woke up looking forward to my own bed and bathroom I also felt a little depressed. I felt little tears well up when I hugged gabby goodbye. I sighed a bit as I stood there watching my father in law pull away and even slamming Mark in the arm and yelling PT Bruiser didn't completely offset the lonely feeling. Now Im sitting on my couch writing this and realizing life is what you personally make it. Yes life is what it is...but according to you, not what people tell you it is.