Depression- Being pressed down

     Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was one of those random days that happens to me whether I try to be ok or not. I looked up the definition off depression before writing this blog and the most common meanings are: 1. To be pressed down 2. Sadness and gloom. Yup both of those apply when I have these days. I know that people with clinical depression probably deal with it every single day and for that I am sympathetic. For me one day every couple months or so is bad enough. I can't fight it so I have stopped trying. That's not to say I don't smile fakely or try to pretend Im just tired, I definitely do both of those things. Its easier for me than saying "im feeling broken right now and I would take feeling numb over wanting to hide away forever" faking an ok attitude and just pushing it off as a blah day seems to work. My husband thinks I have random days of being moody. This is because rather than be balling to him without an explanation handy, I act bratty. I get snappy and irritable because inside im screaming for help but on the outside I don't know how to ask. I guess maybe I don't need help as much as I need understanding. I need people to realize that something in me is a mess, but I don't know what that is. If I can't tell you what's wrong I guess I can't expect for you to help me. Still being human and stubborn I wait for someone, anyone to tell me its gonna be ok. It will pass. Things will change and maybe tomorrow I will be feeling fine again and laughing. I have two problems which probably make this  situation worse. First of all, I do not know how to just say that I need help or that I am not ok. I can communicate how much I love someone or try to help other people figure out what they need. I can pray with understanding for someone else and believe with everything in me that they will make it. I cannot simply raise my hand and ask for help from the only people that can give it to me. I guess saying this right now is more of a revelation and maybe now I will pray not for my problems but for my faith and trust in people to be restored so I can get help from the body when I need it. Maybe if I can explain a little more in this writing form than even I will understand what it is I need.
I am not about to jump off of a bridge and no I do not want to harm myself or other people. In truth I am an incredibly blessed person and I live most of my days in complete happiness! I have been given so much and I do not disregard any of that. I affirm it. On those bad days, however, I lose touch of what I know is true and I can only think about what I feel. It feels like sin...it may be sin. We know that feelings can lie so how come on the bad depression days do I only let that in? I know better but the feelings are so strong and they affect my entire aspect on life. For me there is no explanation as to why these days randomly pop up. I would love to blame it on the hormone changes running rampant in my body, but this has been going on for quite a few years now. Its different than just being upset. When im upset alot of the symptoms are the same but the outcome is hugely different. When im upset I get over it in a matter of minutes. When  im at a low point (I don't know if its safe to even call it depression) it could take a day or more for me to get back up. When im just upset I can pinpoint what upset me. I know (even if I act like its nothing) what has really upset me. Not with the bad days. On those days I couldn't tell you what set me off. I couldn't tell myself. Its an unknown force dragging me under. Its a mixture of loneliness and fear...but its not because something horrible is happening. Its not because im alone alot. It just happens.
Today I feel better. I barely got any sleep last night and woke up horribly nauseas and drive heaved in the back at work just from the smell of the sanitizer we use. This job is a psychotic hell and im so exhausted that im not sure ill be able to function, but I don't feel like sobbing uncontrollably today. That is a plus!! I should be able to take a nap and then hopefully wake up refreshed and not groggy. Im going to a friends baby shower tonight so it will be a nice night. All of this hopefully means the depression is easing and ill be back to normal! I wont think about next time because I refuse to dwell on that. Plus maybe by the next time ill have learned to ask for help and then there can be fewer bad days :)