I dont know

Since the last time I posted a blog on here a few things have changed.the biggest and most important change is my job. I quit the hell I called a job and started a brand new job. Its a completely different environment and a so much better! I love my job. I love the people I work with and there are many great benefits to having this new job. Things are changing all around me. The weather has changed drastically since my last post. Its now usually cold but the colors outdoors are amazing. The oranges and red are in full bloom and everything is so pretty. I despise winter yet I love fall. I like that it can be warmer in the day time and cool at night and I like that apple and pumpkin treats are abounding. I love apple cider and egg not and all of that. Im gonna especially love having this thanksgiving holiday off. Yay! Another score for the new job. For the most part everything is good. The one thing I feel as though im having a hard time balancing is yet another speed bump on the road to happily married. No, no my husband hasn't done anything horrendous. He isn't a horrible man and im not done with marriage. I just seem to realize that sometimes there is a fine line between providing for your family and tearing your relationship to shreds! I have to wonder how good is it for your husband to never be home because he works constantly. How much is it actually benefitting our family for him to not be around because he works from seven in the morning till midnight. So we have been paying our bills but we barely have communication. When we are together its like one of us is always exhausted and grumpy and the other is feeling so neglected that they don't have the patience to deal with it. Its not ok to go out and work hours upon hours and think you're servicing your family when you're really not doing any good for the family its also not ok for me to neglect my home just because i get home a little later from work now. I think the one thing that's so hard to balance is a good life and support system from just being a financial supporter. Its like wow I don't have a husband or wife...I have a financial sponsor of this union. Its funny because usually sponsors aren't in the actual event. When someone sponsors you for a walk-a-thon they aren't walking with you they just pay you for doing it. In marriage you need support but you also participation. Im not saying im doing this and my husbands not im saying that lately both of us have checked out of the relationship thinking we are doing some good by being more financially supportive. I do however feel like at this point im the one who realizes its a problem. Whenever I try to bring it up its not received very well. How do you tell a man that even though he thinks he is doing good that he is dead wrong? I would rather live in a cardboard box and have him with me more often then have to deal with this life everyday without him. When you scream this at him apparently its not considered sweet or caring...its judged as nagging and not appreciating him. I try to look at it like a labor of love but when I have a roommate more than I have a husband its really hard to see. What to do? I don't know. This post isn't going to end with me giving the answer or finding revelation. This post is gonna end with me wondering how something so fragile and breaking is gonna end up in a strong loving union.

Depression- Being pressed down

     Yesterday was a bad day for me. It was one of those random days that happens to me whether I try to be ok or not. I looked up the definition off depression before writing this blog and the most common meanings are: 1. To be pressed down 2. Sadness and gloom. Yup both of those apply when I have these days. I know that people with clinical depression probably deal with it every single day and for that I am sympathetic. For me one day every couple months or so is bad enough. I can't fight it so I have stopped trying. That's not to say I don't smile fakely or try to pretend Im just tired, I definitely do both of those things. Its easier for me than saying "im feeling broken right now and I would take feeling numb over wanting to hide away forever" faking an ok attitude and just pushing it off as a blah day seems to work. My husband thinks I have random days of being moody. This is because rather than be balling to him without an explanation handy, I act bratty. I get snappy and irritable because inside im screaming for help but on the outside I don't know how to ask. I guess maybe I don't need help as much as I need understanding. I need people to realize that something in me is a mess, but I don't know what that is. If I can't tell you what's wrong I guess I can't expect for you to help me. Still being human and stubborn I wait for someone, anyone to tell me its gonna be ok. It will pass. Things will change and maybe tomorrow I will be feeling fine again and laughing. I have two problems which probably make this  situation worse. First of all, I do not know how to just say that I need help or that I am not ok. I can communicate how much I love someone or try to help other people figure out what they need. I can pray with understanding for someone else and believe with everything in me that they will make it. I cannot simply raise my hand and ask for help from the only people that can give it to me. I guess saying this right now is more of a revelation and maybe now I will pray not for my problems but for my faith and trust in people to be restored so I can get help from the body when I need it. Maybe if I can explain a little more in this writing form than even I will understand what it is I need.
I am not about to jump off of a bridge and no I do not want to harm myself or other people. In truth I am an incredibly blessed person and I live most of my days in complete happiness! I have been given so much and I do not disregard any of that. I affirm it. On those bad days, however, I lose touch of what I know is true and I can only think about what I feel. It feels like sin...it may be sin. We know that feelings can lie so how come on the bad depression days do I only let that in? I know better but the feelings are so strong and they affect my entire aspect on life. For me there is no explanation as to why these days randomly pop up. I would love to blame it on the hormone changes running rampant in my body, but this has been going on for quite a few years now. Its different than just being upset. When im upset alot of the symptoms are the same but the outcome is hugely different. When im upset I get over it in a matter of minutes. When  im at a low point (I don't know if its safe to even call it depression) it could take a day or more for me to get back up. When im just upset I can pinpoint what upset me. I know (even if I act like its nothing) what has really upset me. Not with the bad days. On those days I couldn't tell you what set me off. I couldn't tell myself. Its an unknown force dragging me under. Its a mixture of loneliness and fear...but its not because something horrible is happening. Its not because im alone alot. It just happens.
Today I feel better. I barely got any sleep last night and woke up horribly nauseas and drive heaved in the back at work just from the smell of the sanitizer we use. This job is a psychotic hell and im so exhausted that im not sure ill be able to function, but I don't feel like sobbing uncontrollably today. That is a plus!! I should be able to take a nap and then hopefully wake up refreshed and not groggy. Im going to a friends baby shower tonight so it will be a nice night. All of this hopefully means the depression is easing and ill be back to normal! I wont think about next time because I refuse to dwell on that. Plus maybe by the next time ill have learned to ask for help and then there can be fewer bad days :)

Someday My Prince Will Come????

I believe there is a point in a girl's life where she really and truly expects to be swept off her feet by a prince on a white horse. As she gets older and sees how the real world works maybe she doesn't expect a prince, rather a financially well off handsome guy. Maybe she doesn't really think he will carry her off on a white stallion...unless you're counting the mustang he should be driving ;)However there is still that pipe dream of having someone amazing in every way. He is going to treat you like a queen, and he is going to have money, and he is gonna love your parents! Whatever you picture as the perfect man is what you wait in hope for. Then you get old enough to realize that even those dreams can be far off or seem impossible. You may date some losers that forever ruin your opinion of the male population. Just keep in mind they are speed bumps in the road to happily ever after but they are not road blocks!!! Believe me I know. At one point in time my very own prince charming was more of a speed bump than anything. I do realize now that biggest speed bump I dealt with was me. I allowed for some things to go on in my life that should have never taken place and that set me back further than any guy. Sometimes us girls have a desperate faze where we think we would marry almost anyone prince charming or not just to have someone to share life with. Let me tell you...you are not all together wrong. Let me back step for a moment to explain what I mean...
Sometimes early in the morning when I have to be up at the crack of dawn, and my husband is all snuggly safe in bed, I look at him in amazement. He really is my prince charming (even that cliche and corny title sounds too lame for him). He is my everything and I can never ever give him enough love. He is the perfect man for me and he is the person I love the absolute most in the entire world. We currently have no children so I can say that ;) He makes me laugh all of the time just to see me smile. He works even harder at it when he knows Im upset...especially with him. He is an amazing provider and works crazy hours and then comes home and tries to help me sort out all my problems. He proves to me every day that he loves me with his actions. I have never trusted someone with my heart the way that I trust him. This is a miracle. God worked a literal miracle for me to have this good marriage. As I mentioned above my husband was not always this to me. The first time we started dating I became obsessed with him. Mind you this is after coming off of a relationship that should have never ever happened. I don't know how you can fall truly in love with someone as fast as I did with him. Many people will say it wasn't true love yet...maybe it was not, however I believe that for as much as I could at the time I loved him with everything I had. Then he broke my heart and suddenly prince charming was gone. Out of my life for good or so I thought. The love was still there. I didn't fully get over him. Maybe a year or a little more later he came back into my life and I thought OMG another chance to be with him. Life had happened and I wasn't the same girl. By now reality had stepped all over my heart TWICE! But I thought this was my redeeming chance to have the love I wanted. We clicked right away almost picking up where we had left off. The only thing missing was maybe my level of trust and my clear judgment. This time when he walked away from me he left a bigger mess. Never fully being able to get over him from the first time only to have my heart crushed twice by the same person making it a third time that I was left emptied and emotionless by a guy just sent me into a downward spiral. I was older and I knew that there was no way I could ever trust someone ever again. I didn't even try to get into any other serious relationships. I had many flirt buddies and yeah I did get guys attention but it was to fill a void in my life. That's when the people started giving me lines like...the right guy is out there and the one guy for you will come along. Just wait for the perfect man. What a load of bull!!!!!!!!! To make matters worse every time I did think I had moved on he would show up again or randomly text me and just confuse me. I never did not answer him. He was still secretly the love of my life..or not so secretly depending on who you ask. I cared about him more than I cared about myself. I prayed for him every day, multiple times a day. Any time I imagined giving my heart to someone else I would start to panic! Not only did I not want to have to go through another relationship to only be let down but I also held on to a small hope that he would come back. This story has a happy ending. He did come back and he proved himself trustworthy and he fixed the brokenness that he had caused. he is my perfect man and he is my prince charming...but he didn't start off that way.
I said all that to say this: Many men can be the "perfect man" for you. Lets see< if you make a list of things you want in a man, more than one person is going to meet that criteria. So does that mean that there are 10 or more different perfect men for you...yeah it does. I could have probably married some other man who would have treated me amazing and given me a good life and love. I could have learned to love him...I just didn't. I waited for the man I loved...and yes now he is Mr. Perfect but was he always that? No. He is that because I chose him. You cant pick the wrong man and end up with Mr. Runner Up. The man you pick is going to be the perfect one. Don't wait around for some guy with a sign that says he's the one. I don't think they are just gonna come to you. Go work for him! Make it someone that you are completely committed to. My goodness do you think that some guy with a shimmery glow is gonna approach you and that you will know its him? First of all if that happens RUN FAST!!!! He is not human. Secondly don't be a lazy pants princess or you will end up with a schmuck! Be proactive and get a guy that will become your Mr. Perfect.