My father once told me that because I love deeply, I grieve deeply. At the time of this statement I didn't realize what kind of impact that would have. To be honest Im not sure it was a positive one. During this time I was upset, I felt as though my broken heart would never ever be the same. I was somewhat dramatic and so I was also feeling like I wanted life to end. There was my father, my hero trying to help me out of another situation in which I fell flat on my face and alls i was thinkinking the whole time was that life couldn't get worse. Like with every speech a parent gives, his words finally settled in. What he had meant as positive reinforcement I used, however subconsciously, as a way to shut down. Instead of feeling or grieving deeply I would try to feel nothing at all. I only allowed people in that had never ever in life hurt me. Thankfully there were a few. People I felt like were a threat were kept at arms length. That goes against what Pastor preaches and Im not proud that I took that stance but that's what happened. Eventually those pointless walls I had built started to come down. The love of my life and the man who probably hurt me the worst came back into my life and built my trust back up. He has now become not only my husband but my strongest ally and most trusted person. There is never a day where I think he will hurt me. Because of this I thought I was over my whole blocking emotion out phase. Not so much...during arguments with him I tend to still shut down, at least in small ways. I was more aware of how I do still shut down in extreme emotional times this past week. Marks grandma" Grammie" passed away. It was indirectly from lung cancer. We found out about it what seems like a few short months ago and last monday she was gone. By this point everyone knew it was happening and although they were devestated I think the family was less shocked than I. I just assumed that because we had all been praying she would eventually get better. My husband left the house at six in the morning to go meet his family. He told me to stay home and go to work, she was already gone. As soon as he left the house I started crying. I didn't know why but it broke my heart and I didn't know how to explain that to anyone. She was an amazing woman. She always told me she loved me and always made sure I was ok and I was just her grandson's wife. I hadn't been born her granddaughter but she never treated me differently than her grand kids. Infact one saturday afternoon before we knew how sick she was Mark and I went by her house. He was outside looking at her car and I stayed inside to talk with her and drink coffee. Mark and I had just been in a small financial struggle due to the stupidity of car insurance agencies. Without thinking it over at all she offered the money she had from her tax returns and we could pay her back when we git back on our feet. My husband wasn't even in the room it wasn't some show to achieve the best grandmother of the year award. She truly loved her family and she didn't want to see us struggle. In the year and a half or so that I ws around her I did love her. When she died I cried that one morning and figured it was due to being over tired. I wouldn't let it happen again. I wasn't feeling sad or devestated. I wasn't really feeling anything. I had run back to those shambles of a wall that I called protection. I had so many excuses in my own mind. I needed to be strong for Mark. I wasn't appart of the family long enough to warrant emotional turmoil. And for the next three days I played that game well. During the wake I sat there talking and trying to keep the mood as light as possible. I really didn't feel too much apart from exhaustion and I was almost proud of how well I was doing. The morning of the funeral I still felt ok...well emotionless. Most of the service was a boring catholic routine. The priest seemed like a moron. Like he barely knew her. But then her oldest son, Uncle David, got up and gave a tribute to his mother. It was the most heartfelt moment of the entire service and as he spoke about her I could finally feel the devestation that death has on a family. Then they played this song that they had picked out in her honor and I randomly started bawling. Finally some emotional release but even as. I sat there crying I remember thinking what am I doing? I have no right to do this. My little cousin Lauren whose grandmother was the one that had just died wrapped her arms around me and we cried together for a few minutes. I was almost so ashamed I couldnt even look at my husband. I felt like an intruder because throughout this whole ordeal i had been so closed off. It didn't seem to matter to anyone though. Everyone was grieving. That's when I started to realize that maybe without meaning to I had been holding back. Not just in this situation but in alot of ways. By not being completely open I was lying about who I was and what I felt. No one deserves that from me. My husband, my family, all the people I love should get all of me. It wont always be good and I am sure that there are times when I will still falter and want to hide myself away. They say acceptance is the first step to recovery. Its so cliche but Im hoping that now that I realize what the problem ha been, I can start to get past it. I wont be able to do it alone but the beautiful thing is that I wont have to. My dad didn't mean his speech to do damage to who I was. He was proud of what I was and how deeply I felt life's issues. He wanted me to know that it was ok to so broken because it meant that I was really loving people. So what I took and made negative I can turn around. I will make it something amazing. Well I will at least try. I don't want to ever have to hide my grief because it meant I cared. I don't ever want the people I care about to not know how much I love them.