You Get Better

            Something happens that breaks your heart and its something that you think you will never get through or get over. It’s something that haunts you day and night, in your dreams, while you are at work, in the store, everywhere and every second. Sometimes the days after it happens are actually harder and it’s not like within the first week you will start to feel better. Depending on the kind of heart break you may not even feel better in the first few months but someday you will wake up and realize that you can breathe a little easier and suddenly you start to understand that you will get better.

            One night you will go to bed and be crying your eyes out and begging God for a miracle and you will cry so hard that you will wake up with a sore throat and eyes that are swollen shut and as you look at yourself even though you look like you just battled your way through hell you remember that the tears you cried last night were the first ones in a couple of days and although it still hurts you begin to notice that you are getting better.

            There will be a time when you are looking in the mirror and you will be thinking how beautiful you are and how whole you are and you will feel invincible and it will feel like freedom but just as quickly you will be reminded of why this is a new feeling. You will be reminded that something hurt you and took away your confidence and for a moment you will get tears in your eyes and suck in your breath so you don’t cry and when that feeling of hurt passes you can go back to knowing you are complete and you have worth. Even though there was a moment of fear you will know for sure that just thinking about how beautiful you are is proof that you are getting better.

            There will be things that you ignore and that you lock up carefully somewhere deep inside so that they can no longer hurt you and yet at times people will say or do something that is a reminder of what you have hidden away. In that moment there will be a panic unlike any other because you are being reminded of something that you put away so you wouldn't have to deal with it and now its in your face and you still don’t think you can deal with it. Its sitting right there like some kind of gift from the pits of hell and the fear you feel is real. In that moment you will remember that the secret things that break your heart do not change the truth. The truth is that God holds you and he knows what is hidden and he is still taking care of that and he is still in control. When you have remembered this and the panic subsides you can know that having that assurance means that you are getting better.

            Sometimes you will be hanging out with friends and you will be laughing and smiling and living, really living and because of that and because you are getting better you start to feel guilty. It makes you sick to your stomach to know that something that changed your life and broke your heart was so far back in your mind that you were actually OK. That’s actually more scary than the thought of never being OK again…I don’t know why but I understand that. I also know that when it happens it is OK, it’s OK to feel what you are feeling but just remember that it means every single day you are getting better.

            Some days you will feel like you don’t want to get better and that getting better means forgetting and forgetting is scary so you sit in a dark room and finally let yourself feel all of the negative things. The thoughts that you have when it’s quite and your brain is not in a million other directions and you know that’s unhealthy and you know that this is something that could send you over the edge but you just want to feel pain again. You want to feel it again so you can remind yourself that something important that you loved was ripped away from you. You don’t ever want to forget how important it was. Its not what you should be doing but its what you want to  do and no one else has to get that, no one else has to understand but something you should know is that you are getting better. You will find other, less harmful ways to feel and remember but it takes time to sort it out. It takes time to understand that something important that you loved was at one time the best thing in your life and there are good memories and you can use those to feel and remember. The bad can be put away forever. When you finally reach this point it will be so clear that you are getting better.

            The thing about getting better is that it happens… it doesn't happen in a way where you are suddenly better. It is gradual, it is slow and it is really painful but it does happen. You will learn that other people can help you and sometimes with words or hugs there is a temporary feeling of you being OK, but you don’t have a cheerleader squad on your side 24/7 and sometimes you are going to hit a low. When you hit those lows you almost feel the need to be alone and so in truth sometimes you are the one who makes you better. You have to learn how to handle this and it takes some time but you really do learn. And even though this feels like an impossibility one day you will realize that every breath, every tear cried, every scream of frustration, every high and every low is just a road to you getting better.