I don't Know

            I wore make-up to work today, I never do that. I had a rough night last night and I wasn't even awake. I know that sounds crazy but somehow in my sleep last night I kind of lost it. It was so bad that I woke myself up this morning because I was sobbing..in my sleep, because of my dream but it transferred into a physical reality. I woke and had tears in my eyes felt like I had been awake and crying all night. When I woke up I just stayed in bed thinking ‘OK you’re awake now. This dream cannot hurt you, it wasn't real, that didn't happen.’ The problem is the situation in the dream is going to happen. It will be a reality for me, I am going to have to deal with it and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and wish somehow it would all go away. What scared me the most when I finally woke up was how badly I reacted to the situation in my dream. Some things you just cannot prepare yourself for and this is one of those things. Now I’m scared…what if that’s how it really goes down? Wonder if I lose it and spend days and days of my life sobbing and crying and undoing all the careful planning and work I have put into protecting my heart and my mind. Wonder if I don’t handle this as well as I thought I was going to? Wonder if I am not OK after this? In my dream I felt completely betrayed by people that I know love me and that I know are on my side. I knew they weren't trying to hurt me and that what they did was not wrong on their part but it felt like I wasn't considered at all in the situation. The feeling and the problem was mine and I am worried that I may feel that way in real life. Needless to say I didn't wake up and then breathe a sigh of relief, I woke up with puffy red eyes from crying in my sleep and then cried some more. One more time I begged God to please make it all go away…literally all of it. The other kicker was that in my dream my older sister was here and she was taking care of me and making sure that I was OK. She sat by me while I was crying my eyes out. In real life when this happens she won’t be here. She is thousands of miles away. That reminder made me cry even more because a lot of times she has been the one who forces me to be strong, to go out, and to not wallow. It brought me to another thought; I don’t know if what I thought I wanted is really what I want. I have spent the past year of my life praying for a miracle, a specific miracle and now after all of that time I don’t know if that’s what I want. I mean I do, but what I want comes with all kinds of conditions like, I only want it if this happens or if it’s not this way and so on and so forth. I mean I know a miracle is all encompassing but wonder if its not the way I want it? Wonder if yeah, I get what I wanted but it comes at a high price that I am too tired and too worn out to pay? Its just one of those days, I have a lot of questions and I am exhausted. I hope this passes and that tomorrow I wake up knowing exactly what I want again and I go after that. I hate the not knowing and the seeming confusion. It just feels so wrong; it feels like I am fighting a battle that I shouldn't even be fighting. This is my life; this is what I have been living with and its one of those things that I hide away. Its going to get harder to hide, soon its going to be something that I am facing head on and the biggest fear is that I don’t know how I am going to get through it. I have gotten through so much in my life in this past year and I have made it, I have really made it. Now here comes something else, a different thing but still stemming from the same situation and I am just sick and tired of it. I think what I really want is to be done; I just want to be done with it all. I want to walk away and never look back. I just know that when I walk away I will lose something and in this moment right now I think I am OK with that but when I wake up tomorrow I may not feel the same. I may wake up fine and ready to fight for that again. You see for me staying in this is costing me but walking away will cost me too. For now I will keep living in hope, hope for the future, hope for a better tomorrow. I don’t know if it will come from walking away or from sitting this out and waiting but whatever way it goes I am going to need the strength to do it.