Wake up Call

            I have been going through life these past few weeks and really just trying to warrior princess through anything uncomfortable and difficult without breaking down. Not because something new and horrible has happened but just because I am finally looking at some things and thinking ‘yes now is the time.’ I would say that deep inside I have been dealing with this for about a month now. In my last post I talk about this and how I am ready for some change and how scary it is and yet how excited I am. I really am excited because I know that no matter what happens in the end it is going to be perfect. I always say that I don’t know what the outcome is going to be or where I am going to end up because I really don’t know. What I want changes so often and the change comes so ferociously that sometimes I am not ready for it. It’s like an out of body experience…kind of like you are watching yourself from some high vantage point and you’re yelling ‘hey you down there stop doing that!’ The thing is, I believe that change is necessary to living and so I am chasing it. I think I have been doing pretty well… yeah I think a lot of things that aren't so true. I will admit that during this past month I have been really happy and really excited and yet there is an underlying panic that settles in when I am alone. There is an overwhelming desire to hide and to just say ‘I quit.’ I just keep doing what I am doing because I have to but I have to wonder why if I am doing something good for me am I so fidgety with nervous excitement? I literally sit at work and jiggle my leg…the whole day. I could blame it on caffeine or lack of sleep or anything but I think…actually I know that it’s something inside of me that is unsettled. Today I realized what that was…I haven’t been praying about anything outside of when I am at church. How sad is that?! I love God and I haven’t lost my faith…this has not been a conscious effort to give up praying, this is just me letting life get in the way. Life is not as good when I am not connected to God. I keep living of course and he keeps loving me and giving me good things but I feel a lack inside of myself. I feel like I am doing it alone and that is where the stress and fear and anxious feelings come from. I think I understand the reason why I haven’t prayed as much and I am ashamed to admit this but, here it is:

            I prayed every day for my husband…every single time I would talk to God the only thing that I would want to talk to him about was my husband. I would start praying for someone else or something else or just try and talk to God and I would the whole time be thinking OK, I want to be done with that now so I can beg God to help my husband. I would just want to close my eyes and cry and tell God how scared I was for him, for us, for his future. Anything else seemed so second place to me. I still did pray for other people, its not like I cut people off or lied and said I would pray about something that I didn't pray for but seriously I would start off praying about my husband, then a break in the middle to pray for him again and then finish off with him. I couldn't get it out of my brain or my heart and I just had to tell God over and over what I wanted to see, what I was hoping for and how I felt. Then slowly life seeped in and I think I started to get…and still am a little bitter. I wouldn't say I was bitter towards God, mostly towards the constant unchanging love I had for my husband. Then I had a realization that yes, I could live without my husband and that turned into me feeling like I didn't want to pray about him anymore. I didn't want to pray for something I wasn't even sure that I wanted anymore. I mean in my heart I still want him OK and to go to heaven but suddenly I wasn't begging God to have him in my life forever. This is my biggest fail yet. Since the need for him to be with me forever was not as constant my prayer for him stopped being constant and slowly trickled down to nothing. I went from daily praying for someone to kind of just wanting the whole issue to disappear.  This really happened in a matter of weeks. I think I became a little angry…OK a lot angry with the situation. I just didn't want to deal with him and the memories and because of that I didn't pray for him. My whole prayer life in the past year revolved around him and so I guess I just stopped praying. I mean yes at church I prayed…like I said this wasn't a conscious effort to not pray, it’s just the way it happened. I wouldn't find time to go somewhere and pray because I didn't feel like talking about my husband or anything to do with him to anyone; I just want to forget it happened. Unfortunately right now that’s just where I am at with that. The thing is, I cannot just be there. I can never be in the place where I am not praying, really praying about everything. I cannot stop telling God that I love him and that I am so thankful for my life. I can’t forget all the good things he has given me and how happy he has kept me even when I felt my lowest. I cannot forget that he still knows my heart and my fears and that he wants to give me all things. I cannot let even the smallest amount of bitterness seep in and take over the unconditional love I have for the man I married. I still don’t want him hurting and going to hell. I want him to go to heaven and although right now I don’t want him as is he, I still love the man I married and I want good things for his life. I don’t know why or how I let this happen, I think that in the process of finding myself and taking steps forward I forgot about the most important thing…souls. His, mine, everyone's. That is the most important thing. Not what they have done to us, for us, or with us but the fact that love is above all else. Loving someone doesn't mean holding there hand while they hurt you it just means wanting them to succeed and I forgot that. I pushed so hard so quickly that I let the hurt be the thing that pushed me forward. I am thankful for the wake up call and the chance to move forward but I want to make sure I am doing it right. I want to move up not down. I want to know what it really means to love someone even when they can’t offer you any part of themselves. I can separate from love “the feeling” and all the pain that is attached and move into love “the action”, the real form of love. I want this for everyone not just for my husband. This is a battle for me, it’s hard to push myself that far away and not let my flesh and feelings get involved but I know one area where I can get help with that. I can pray. I can pray about everything, I know where my help comes from and it is time to start accessing that again.