Love

            So it happened…there was one thing that I was waiting on, one thing that I knew could actually break me down. It’s like a ticking time bomb and you just wait it out and hope you come out on the other end without too much damage and yet you wonder at what point is it going to happen and how will you react. I don’t want to go into too much detail about what it is but let’s just call it “The One Thing.” I have known for quite a while now that this was going to happen and I prepared myself the best I could but I knew that when it happened I wouldn't be able to plan my reaction. My reaction would just be whatever it was and I would deal with it at that time. So it happened and my reaction was basically to run. I seriously go everywhere and do everything to not have to think about it. I don’t have to deal with it, it’s not my thing to deal with but at the same time it was going to affect me. I guess I wasn't going to come out of this completely untouched but I didn't want it to leave me with any real damage. I think it did. I think that no matter how hard I tried it did leave a blemish on me. Actually now I know for sure that it did. I guess I fooled myself into thinking that it hadn't really affected me but more likely I was just keeping the break down at bay. Well the break down happened and it happened almost two weeks after “The One Thing” happened. It started off as something else small that went wrong and when I lost it, I knew. It wasn't about that bill not getting paid, it wasn't about tired I was, I mean sure those things all contributed but the real issue was “The One Thing.” I hate it. I hate all of it and this past Thursday as I sat there crying and losing my mind I couldn't even pretend that I didn't feel so alone. I couldn't pretend that I thought it was all going to be OK. I called my best friend and told her she needed to come home and that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't do it alone. I begged her to come home. Thank God for friends that know the truth. Thank God for people who can speak to you and calm your mind and put you back where you need to be. I guess maybe I just needed that. I needed to cry it out and say that I am not OK. I am not happy with the way things are. I know I will be OK but I want to be OK right now. I don’t want it to hurt anymore and I know it hurts because it matters but I don’t want it to. It gets better, I know this from experience but I want it better now. I want to wake up and have all the bad stuff gone. I want to be with a man who loves me and takes care of me. I want to get that nervous excited feeling because we have decided to start trying to have a baby. I want to have that feeling that I miss someone so much and I can’t wait for them to get home. I want all of the things that I am missing out on because of someone else’s foolishness. I want to come home to my own place and have to hurry and clean it up because the in laws are coming over. I want a beautiful life that I share with someone. I should have that. I know it sounds spoiled or crazy but I should have that right now. I should be at work today thinking about what I am making my husband for dinner. Thursday all of these feelings came to a head and erupted into a melt down. It’s been a while since I have indulged myself in one of those but when it came it made up for the months that I have been strong. My best friend was able to calm me down and get me to a better place mentally. Emotionally I was still completely drained. I sat in service with a headache and exhaustion. Friday I got up and went to work but I couldn't help but think about “The One Thing” and randomly get tears in my eyes. Friday night I spent time with another one of my best friends and I had a good time and I felt even better but when I went home it was still there. Saturday I wanted to stay in bed, keep the covers over my head and dream beautiful dreams where life is different. I didn't. I got up and did stuff and that night went out again and had a good time. All throughout the weekend I talked about stuff with various people that know and understand the situation. With each conversation I managed to pull enough strength to keep smiling. I just wanted to know, what is the one thing that is going to completely heal this? I got my answer…

Yesterday at church my sister in law asked me to hold my nephew while she sang in choir. He was all wrapped up like a baby burrito and he was looking at me with his big eyes. I knew he was sleepy and should have been napping because his mom wraps him up like that for naps. I held him close and looked at his perfect face. I couldn't help it I kissed his chubby cheeks about five times. I cuddled him and I just adored him. He did fall asleep all nestled up to me. When the choir was done my sister asked me if I would mind keeping him since he was asleep…would I mind? Never. I had him until the end of the service he stayed asleep content and peaceful in my arms. Every time I looked at his face or felt him breathe there was an incredible healing that happened in me. I love him so much. I love him without expecting anything in return. I love him fully. There is no agenda. It is a completely pure love. That is what can help. That is what can heal. Love can heal so much when you love someone or someone loves you there is so much good that happens. For the first time in three days I finally felt OK. I know that someday when I have someone in my life who loves me, that’s what can heal all the pain. It will take away all of the past and it will make a beautiful life for me, the one I want, and the one I deserve. I know I can’t wait for that to happen for me to happy. I’m not saying that I am not happy now; I am just saying that there are some things that will not be fully healed until then. There have been some things damaged and it will take the love of a good man to heal that completely. It takes love to change a person, to change a world. The thing is that I don’t have that kind of love from someone today but it’s worth waiting for. It’s worth holding on for and meanwhile I have the love from so many friends and that can be enough right now to calm the storm and to make me smile. It’s not the end but it’s a start and I can deal with starting somewhere. “The One Thing” may hurt me now but someday it will just be a piece of my past that is there. It may leave a scar but it won’t leave a wound that can’t be healed. It will be one of those things where I look back and I thank God for taking me out and bringing me so far.