Calling Home

            So today at work we were discussing what happens when you are upset and you call back “home.”  Home in this case is not so much a place but more like a person. For instance when you call your parents or a brother or sister and those are the people that you have a “home” with, a safe place. It is the person that you call when you don’t know what else to do. I have friends that are like this for me too, it doesn't have to be someone related to you it is just that person or group of people that you call family. It is an amazing feeling to have this but there is that one rule…when you call them about something going really right or really wrong then you will cry your eyes out. You could be over the situation completely but as soon as you call home and hear that voice it is like you have never grieved or rejoiced at all. Something about calling home makes everything feel more real. I remember the last time I had to do this and just remembering makes me feel vulnerable. Since then I have called friends and ended up sobbing but it’s not the same. So the last time I called home…

            The night before I found out that my husband had been planning on leaving me. I was all prepared to ignore this and just keep pretending, it’s easier for me to pretend then to deal with life. I was also still thinking that I would wake up one morning and it would be so different. Things would get better and I would wake up from this horrible nightmare and no one would ever have to know how scared I was. Well when I woke up that morning it had not gone away, in fact it had been published to the wonderful world of Facebook. It’s not like I was humiliated or hurt enough now my private life had to be publicized and I had to hear about the morons who actually thought that they had a say in this. I was devastated, I was betrayed and suddenly I was not able to ignore the problem. Not only could I not hide it all but now I could not hide it from my family and I had to call my parents so that they would hear it from me and not from an extended relative. When I remember this I actually feel like human shaming should be allowed and that the person who has wrecked a life should have to stand up in front of the family with a sign that says what they did. It saves those of us reeling from the devastation from having to make some seriously sucky calls.  I remember thinking I would have to call my mom first since she was the one that had the cell phone and then I thought that she would tell my dad and it would be better because even though I would be crying I wouldn't have to deal with telling my dad. When I called she didn't answer and so I left her a voice mail just saying that something had happened and I wanted her to hear it from me. I was still composed at this point (I think now it’s because I thought there was still a chance that this could all go away). When she called me back I got nervous…really nervous but I was ready to get it done. When I answered I heard my dad’s voice. He said “hey Sarah its daddy. I have mom’s phone what’s wrong”? I just started sobbing. I don’t even think that I could answer him, in fact I know I couldn't because my sister in law took the phone from me for a minute. When I stopped sobbing and was just crying I tried to explain to him what was wrong. I remember him asking where I was and telling me he was coming to get me and I remember sobbing again. I remember that as I sobbed it was quiet for a minute and that when he started talking again he was crying too and I remember not really being able to say it but thinking how sorry I was. I know it wasn't my fault but I knew that his heart was breaking because my heart was broken. I will never forget that. I had been hiding some of the issues with my marriage for quite some time now and this just wasn't something that could stay hidden. Telling my dad that my marriage was ending was probably harder than anything else I have ever done. I was never gonna be that girl. I was going to have the kind of life and husband that made him and my mom proud. My parents have had issues over the years, things have gone wrong, our lives have been turned upside down and yet I have never ever seen my mom or dad walk away from each other. No matter what they have always been in it together. I was going to live in that second generation of a marriage that made it through anything. I never imagined making the call to my dad to let him know that it was over. I thought that even when it got bad we were going to come through it and we could tell our parents years later how we had struggled and how we were more in love than ever. I’ll make it clear right now, that should have been the case. It should have turned into that, it didn't and I am learning to be OK with that. If I cannot change it then I cannot and I still have my whole life in front of me waiting to be lived. Having said that I will now say that I know my dad wasn't thinking then that I was a failure but I felt so horrible. I felt like a failure. It didn't have to be my fault; I still didn't want him disappointed. I didn't even want him disappointed in my husband. I also didn't want to break my dad’s heart. He has always wanted nothing but the best for his daughters, his little lambs. I know that life has been tough and sometimes you watch your hero turn human and there are disappointments and regrets but the one thing I know for sure is that my dad would have moved heaven and earth that day to make it all OK for me. When I heard him crying for me I knew he was hurting for me and I don’t think there is any other way to show such love and passion. If your heart breaks for someone then you can be sure that you love them more than anything else in the world. My dad has that kind of love and it grew from him loving my mom to him loving me, my sisters, and my brother to him loving his grand kids. It keeps growing. Calling my mom or my dad is calling home for me. I kind of wondered why calling home is the hardest and I think I know why. You are most afraid to disappoint the people that love you. It is scary to know that someone loves you so much that what hurts you will hurt them but you know they wouldn't have it any other way. You know that no matter how hard it is going to be for you to tell them that you cannot do it without them. Talking about this today is just a huge reminder of the legacy of love that I have been handed. My siblings and I could be any of the things that my parents have struggled with throughout their lives. Whether my parents dealt with it directly or whether their parents dealt with it they say addiction runs through generations. We could be addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling…a lot of horrible things but instead my parents gave us something else. They gave us love, they gave us hope and they gave us life.