Babies, babies, babies!

      It is no surprise to anyone that knows me that I want a baby. It's not like I have been trying and trying with no results, at this point we are not trying but that does not diminsh my desire to have my own baby. I have been married for 1 year and 8 months now and I do not think that is too soon to get pregnant. It has been about a year since I decided that I actually wanted a baby. Sometimes there are issues in life that prevent you from being able to have a baby apart from physical issues and this past year has been quite an adventure with those "issues". I have yet to broach this particular subject on my blog because for a while now I have thought of it as something small and not worth writing about. It also has nothing funny in it and for me it seems all too daunting. The thing is that this is where I write down how I feel and I do not hold back about anything else. I have talked about marriage, family, death, even my uncles girlfriend who happened to be a prostitute and yet somehow when I think about writing down this particular struggle of mine I, I push it off. Something within me has needed to change for quite some time including my perspective, I feel like it has changed or is changing and so now I feel like I can write about this with a clear perspective.
       In september it will have been one year since I tossed my last pack of birth control and set out thinking that this was a "Baby Year". This was with the full consent of my husband. It was the day of his grandmother's funeral and although we had been talking about the idea for a little bit this was the day it was actually decided that we were going to start a family. I remember that later in that evening we had been messing around and I threatedned to go and get the birth control out of my purse and take it. He grabbed it and took off with it, I now know that he just threw it away. Then for about a month and a half we "tried". It was not anything serious and there was no schedule or plan we just kind of figured it would happen when it happened. Well nothing happened in that 6 weeks or so and then shortly after that there was an issue that required use of some protection. That was fine with me and I figured it would give my body time to regulate if needed. I do have to say that while on and also when I stopped taking birth control I had no issues with my cycle whatsoever. I feel truly blessed because of that, I know many women who had issues with that and I can't imagine that feeling. I can say most sincerely that I am so thankful that my body had no lasting effects one me. So for me the break felt like the prime time to start getting healthy and eating right and taking vitamins because if I did get pregnant then I would be better physically prepared to handle pregnancy. My brain went one place with the time off and my husbnands went completely the other way. Yoiu have to understand that for us this was like we switched places completely. When we first got married all he talked about was me getting pregnant and the very thought made me want to remain a virgin. I am in full support of just enjoying time together for a year of marriage. For some people that is not needed and for some people it takes longer. He seemed like he was so ready for big things and he was so mature and he spent alot of time at home and although he was ready, I was feeling greedy. I couldn't imagine giving up the attention that I was getting from my husband, it was definitely a maturity issue for me. Life got more comfortable for us and while for me that meant my maternal instinct kicked in for my husband it meant that while he is a married man and a great husband he realized that he needed his independence as well. So back to the break...during that period of time I was getting myself all psyched for a baby and he was realizing that he was nowhere near baby time. I remember the night that I found out that he changed his mind. It felt like to me that he rejected me and it broke my heart. I balled my eyes out and ended up leaving the bed and laying on the couch. in my head he was going to come and get me and say "Just Kidding"! or at least give me a good reason (I do not believe money to be a good reason) and tell me that soon we could get back to trying. No such luck. Mark never has been and may never be that kind of guy. I sometimes feel like he can be heartless when in fact he is realistic. He is also not as sensitive in the same ways that I am and he sees no point in prolonging my dramatics. I can't always say that I blame him. He definitely took my princess card and ran it through a shredder. The issue with this is that this time I am not throwing a fit because I want new clothes or because he is going out all night, this time I was seriously broken because I felt betrayed. It is hard for me to communicate this with him in a good way because I know that he did nothing wrong intentionally. Sometimes when people break your heart they do it innocently. Sometimes when your heart is broken it is more your fault than anyone elses, not always or even most times but sometimes. So lets just say for the past six or seven months I have been dealing with this. I have not been dealing well with this. I bring it up all of the time. We have argued about it numerous times and everytime that I hear that someone else is pregnant I feel a part of myself break down again. I am not angry or jealous of these people and I know that God makes babies and that there are no accidents. I am happy that these woman have been blessed with something so incredible, the ability to give life. That doesn't mean that it doesn't sting a little. I mentioned above that I felt betrayed when my husband changed his mind. I know that then and even until every recently I had that feeling and that feeling was in error. But this is how I felt: I am the one who took the chance on screwing up my body and just quit taking those pills. I am the one who was risking my body by being willing to get pregnant. I am the one who will be getting up most of the time with a new baby. I will be feeling the labor. I will be breast feeding the baby. I will be sick and nauseas. I am the one who has that undeniable maternal instinct that screams out for a baby. I am the one who already loves my children although they are not even here and I am the one who worries and frets about things that they may have to go through. I am the one who has all the friends having them. I am the main one that gets asked "are you next"? all of the time. I am the one and yet one word from him and my whole dream was shattered. Then I felt lied to, why would he have told me that we could try and then changed his mind? Why did he let me get all excited about something that and then just walk away from it like it was never an option? I also mentioned above that while I matured and was ready for motherhood my husband seemed to backtrack down immaturity lane. Suddenly he had to go out with the guys all of the time and he had to have a motorcycle and he had to have a regular car and a project car and then his job started sucking and he had alot by that time and then I was told that there was no money for a baby. I prayed for God to strike that bike with lightening...thankfully he did not listen to my vengeful prayers. All I could see was the dollar amounts of everything that he had bougt or the gifts that I gave him and I wanted to scream. For months now this has been a constant struggle of mine. Up until a day ago I truly felt like alot of times I resented him and all that he had when I felt so lacking. In part because of this issue and then because of other life issues I feel like our marriage has been tested. I am more than a little disappointed to know that this has been in part because of my own anger and resentment towards a man that I am in love with. Yesterday I got a bit of a reality check...I have known the truth for so long and yet I let my own feelings get in the way. The truth is this: God is in control of every situation not just the ones that we want him to control. He is in control regardless and its when you take matters into your own hands that things fall apart. So if my God is in control then why I am I so upset about a situation that is not in my area of control. I do believe that God give us means to handle situations on our own but still if he is the one giving us the ability or wisdom to get through something then he is still the one controlling it. I also fully believe that things happen when we pray that would not have happened if we did not pray. We have power with God and we have the ability to change situtaions in our lives. Knowing that and maybe taking that into doing my own thing I now know that I have been praying the wrong way about the baby struggle. I literally would pray for immaculate conception...not even kidding about that one. Then my brain went to "oh if that happens would it still look like me and Mark"? Yeah that just goes to show how messed up my thinking really was. When I finally figured out that I was wrong on that end I would pray that the condoms would leak or break or something unexpected. Like maybe trickery would make all of this better. I guess what I didn't realize was that through all of this when I was struggling maybe Mark was too. Maybe in a completely different way and about completely different things but obviously if something in him changed that much there would be a reason. I will admit that lately I have been praying more for him and less for me, but I still had so much hurt and resentment in my heart about the baby thing. I finally realized that my husband will not be ready for a baby until he has life straightened out and until God gives him that ability. I know it sounds off but Mark will not be the man I need without God and when he gives everything over to God then all things fall into place. All things. So what I have realized is that I need to be more concerned about the welfare of my husband. I need to pray for him like never before and pray that God gives him strength and grace every single day. I need to help him fight that battles that he deals with by praying more than ever before. When we have a family (and I still hope it is soon) I want to them to have the best mother and the best father that they can have. Parenting is not one sided and that is where I was so wrong. This baby is not just about me it is about us. I am still praying that God gives me the ability to have a child and I am praying that we can have a baby soon. This is my hearts desire. I am also not telling God how to make it happen and I am praying more that my husband will be ready to be a father. This has been a long post but I feel like it was necessary for me to get all of this out. I feel so much better knowing that God ca handle this for me and give me what I need to deal with it and that I do not have to work it out on my own. I am blessed.