My week so far

                My week so far has been pretty good…depending on what your calculations are on. As far as my working out and eating good foods it was a fail…such a fail. I was not home and I was tired out and I have not worked out since Saturday and Sunday was mother’s day and then the second part of Monday and all day Tuesday and Wednesday I was at my mother in laws making less than healthy choices. I am back at it today and I am going to drink a lot of water and probably cut back on my calories for today to get myself back in the game. I will also do some of my workout when I get home. I know it’s going to be so much harder since I had nearly three days off and I feel like it ruined me. My week as far as other things goes like emotions and mental state of mind has been decent…not awesome and flying high but up until last night (more on that in a minute) I hadn’t cried or felt depressed all week. Also right now the girls at work are talking about ordering Chinese food for lunch and I feel like that’s not fair. I love Chinese food and I have not had it in so long but today I have to be good and Chinese is not a good and healthy choice. It is actually making me feel grumpy cause I could totally go for some delicious Chinese food…and instead I have freaking snow peas and grapes and nuts and that kind of stuff. I mean I am really wanting to lose the weight so no one is telling me I cannot order the Chinese food except myself, I am really mad at myself! LOL. So back to my week…I spent a good amount of the week with people. I am better when I am around people most of the time. I have a few moments where too many people are overwhelming but generally they are a helpful distraction. I spent pretty much from Saturday until last night with family every single night and it was good. I did come to the conclusion that baby sitting for days at a time is a sneak preview of stay at home motherhood and that right there is…exhausting! I was with my sister in law so its not like I was doing it alone at all and honestly she did a lot of the work but I tried to help her and be up at the same time as her and just make it more of a team thing and it really kicked my butt. Even with the two boys at school for a good part of the day it was like wow! Being at stay at home mom and homeschooling your kids must be insane and I give major props to all moms out there that stay home with your kids. I still want to do it with my future babies and no, it did not ruin me in the least, but it definitely gave me an appreciation for that kind of thing. There were parts of the week where I was like OMG I need a nap right now or I might die and then there were moments where it was the most fulfilling feeling to be caring for kids…even someone else’s. I mean they were my little brother in laws so of course I love them like family but if I felt all good making sure they were ok throughout the day then I can only imagine the feeling of protecting and loving your own child. Well yesterday when we were waiting for the parents to arrive so we could leave I kept thinking how happy I would be to get home. I wanted quite and sleep and a good nights sleep. I know my house has to be cleaned and although I knew it wouldn’t get done last night I just felt like being at home would be good. So finally the parents came back home and I bundled my sister in law and nephew into my car and realized…I was going home alone. My sister was so happy to get home so her son would sleep normally and eat on his schedule and all kinds of things, she was excited to get home to her husband and I completely get that. There would have been a time where that would have been me but not now. I pushed off my sudden feelings of distress as being over tired then I got my sister and nephew home and into the door of their apartment and I got back in my car and it felt eerily silent. The noise that had previously been a little obnoxious was all gone and it left me feeling lonely not relieved. I felt really crappy and discouraged and also tired so it didn’t help. I could not get myself all happy and there was nothing to look forward to and so I started feeling so sad. I wasn’t sobbing and my eyes were not all blurred with tears, no this was not a dramatic display of my overwrought emotions, but then all of the sudden a tear ran down my cheek. It was then that I was thinking ‘ok go home and lay down.’ As usual when I start feeling like this I end up relapsing into why I am so upset and it all comes down to one thing. I am not where I want to be. I envisioned my life completely different from where it ended up. I am not building a strong marriage and starting a family and when I go home I am not going home to take care of anyone and I am not even going to a home that’s really mine. This is really hard to swallow sometimes. It’s not everyday and it is better than it used to be but it still hurts and upsets me. Then, the thing is I do not get angry with my husband, I do not start blaming him and hating him, I start missing him and wishing our life was so different.  I start feeling like I want to talk to him and I want him to tell me its all going to work out and that things look so bad right now but that he is always gonna be there for me and that we will make it. That’s not reality at all and it’s not the way it is, not even a little bit but because he was my hero, my protector and my love I still always think that maybe he can be the one that can make this all go away. Nope he is the one that made this all happen, this was his choice, his decision and so no, I don’t call him or text him or beg him to change. I got home and decided to rest and even though it was evening I figured a little nap wouldn’t hurt and I would end up feeling so much better. what actually happened was that I laid in my bed for 30 minutes feeling like life was too much. I cried a little and missed my husband a lot and then lamented the fact that I just can’t say that to anyone. Most people don’t understand how you miss someone that caused you so much pain. They try to pretend to understand but always follow it up with the famous line of “you’re better off now.” ok yes in some ways I am so they are right but they don’t get it and so I keep all of it to myself. I keep locked deep inside and it hurts sometimes more than it should. I let it get too far before I realize I have a remedy. I have a protector and a love that will never leave me. I have a God who can change things and make my life good and yet sometimes I sit there and just let the pain happen and the tears flow and I let myself feel how bad it hurts. I think that it may be sick but sometimes I feel like if I cant feel the pain anymore then I don’t care like I should and the love I have for him is dwindling…I don’t want the love to go away. I forget that I can love him and live my life without him. I forget that God wants my life to be full of love but not full of sorrow and that loving someone doesn’t mean mourning them. I forget that God cares about my husband too and that I can pray about it and talk to him and he listens and he cares. So yesterday with my face buried in the pillow so that I wouldn’t start screaming I realized I have to talk to God about it. So I did and I then I got off of my bed and I started some laundry. I felt better but I still felt lonely so I called my older sister and this is where I give her a shout out and tell you how awesome she is:

                My older sister Rachel moved 4,000+ miles away back in February and almost every week since then I have listed a new reason why I need her to come home. Just yesterday I asked her to come home because I needed someone to go on a walk with me. I miss her so much because I relied on her when I was at my lowest. Even if I was not with her physically she was always there for me and she would always drop whatever she was doing and come to me or take my call. We would go out to dinners and get food all of the time and have pedicures and all kinds of stuff. She has the three kids that stole my heart even though they may be demons. With her and her kids on my side there was never a dull moment. She is also my sister that has gone through more and some similar things to what I have been through and so she is the one that understands. She is the one that says things that a lot of times annoy me because she is blunt. She is point blank and she doesn’t always communicate it in the best way but she always says the truth and if she feels like she is wrong she has no problem retracting what she has said. She can make me so mad but can also calm me down like no one else. The biggest problem is that I am like her, maybe a more watered down version but we are definitely alike. She has always been there for me and supported me and losing her company has been horrorific. I miss her every single day and I still wish she lived here. Since she has been gone she has still been the best friend and sister. We text almost every single day all throughout the day and I talk to her on the phone pretty frequently. When I am losing my mind I go to her and she has learned how to talk me down and she never makes me feel stupid for why I am upset. She has been a supporter for me even when she is going through her own issues and she has put me first. I have a lot of supporters and so I don’t know if she is the biggest supporter because there are a few that have been supportive through everything but she is definitely my most vocal supporter. I love her and I miss her every single day and I am so happy that distance does not stop her from being my big sister. Last night she was there again and she just talked and told me funny stories about my niece and made my whole night much better♥