For the past few days I have been having the most scandalous
thought, which of course I just had to share. Let me just say a head of time
that I know I am wrong and no, I would never do this but I have days where it
seems like a simple solution to a complicated life. The thought is this: I see
the benefit to having a “baby daddy.” A no strings attached sperm donor,
someone to give me the beautiful babies that I want without having to take care
of a grown adult too. See, I told you… scandalous! I am even scandalized at
myself for having this thought and it makes me feel really evil and a lot
trashy. Like I said I would never really want this in the end and, I would
never even think to do this in real life, just in my head sometimes when I am
planning my life I think yeah this is a good way to get what I want without
getting what I don’t want. The thing is, even typing the words “baby daddy”
made me cringe. I actually heard someone use that term in an interview and I
was thinking ‘ok if this person gets hired then I am quitting’! It is such a
trashy and ghetto term that people use to describe the father of their children
and the worst part of it is that a lot of times this “baby daddy” is still
their significant other. So I guess if you are trashy enough and have kids with
this guy then the word boyfriend or fiancé doesn’t cut it. I mean I guess if
you are not with the father then the term kind of works except for the fact
that a) it is not a grammatically correct term and b) it is sooooo ghetto. I
mean just be like “yes I am dropping Junior off with his father,” not “I am
taking junior to my baby daddy.” Uggh see how much more class you can bring to
a pretty classless situation by just changing the way you say it? I feel the
same way about “baby mama” but as I am female, I don’t need one of those. For
the sake of this post I used the term baby daddy at first as a humorous
introduction, more to make fun of the situation then to actually describe what
I want. This is why I feel like a lot of days I can see the benefit to the
afore mentioned position. This is entirely my crazy feelings and in no way
something I think people should actually go off of but here goes:
I have already been the wife who cared for a husband who
had the idea that she would have a family and that it would be her and her
husband starting that family. No one else mattered and no other plans were made
for the “just in cases.” My marriage as it was and as it is right now has
definitely matured me and has helped me to grow as a person and I feel like I
am still at a point as far as maturity where becoming a mother is the next
logical step. This dream however is temporarily (or not so temporarily) out of
my reach. I am in no way ready to love someone like I loved my husband and if
its not a love like that then I am not doing it. I know love grows and I know
it can happen and that it probably will happen but I am just not there yet,
believe me. I know myself. I sometimes put myself in that frame of mind where I
am like ‘someday you’re going to have an awesome husband and beautiful babies
and life is going to be everything you imagined it would be.’ It doesn’t make
me happy or ready for the future yet. It doesn’t make me want to start planning
a second wedding or start dating some guy. It doesn’t make me feel comforted,
it scares me and makes me panic! I have gone that route mentally and ended up
in tears on my couch or in bed for hours. I do however think to myself quite
often ‘I want a baby’ and no, it’s not ideal but I feel like I could do it
alone if I have to. I would rather do that than go through a whole relationship
again. Well obviously I cannot do “it” alone so I would need a guy for his
uh…product LOL. I did the whole cleaning up after my husband and taking care of
him and washing his underwear and that was all well and good because he was my
love but I am NOT doing that for another guy just so I can have a baby that I
also have to clean up after. I am not ready (I say ready and not that I am
never because I know this will change when it needs to) to go through a
relationship where I date someone and get engaged and deal with a wedding. That
is some stressful and not always fun business and doing it once was so cool but
doing it again seems exhausting! I am not ready to learn to live with someone and
their habits and have them learn to love me for all of my faults. I would still
at this time be constantly comparing him and our life to the life I had before
and that is not fair to him or to me. So yes I want a beautiful baby, I have
names picked out and bedroom themes and cute clothes that they will wear. I
even have a baby bib so that my baby can fully rep the football team that I
follow, this is the football team I became a fan of because of my current
husband. That’s not gonna work in a new relationship and let me tell you
something that bib was not cheap and needs to be used! So yeah the solution to
all of this is a “baby daddy.” Of course he would have to be amazing looking, I
do have standards for what I want my babies to look like haha. Like I said at
the start this would never happen in real life and even in my head it is
scandalous but now you see my point…sometimes this seems like a brilliant plan!
Double points if he has money and can make you a stay at home mom ;) I will say that I have considered my other options and there was adoption. This one is a NO right away. It is so costly and time consuming that I could get remarried and have my own kids with that kind of money and time. The second option was kidnapping and although it is free, it is also frowned upon in polite society ;-P
I am pretty certain that if you follow this blog and you don’t
judge me yet, you do now! You don’t have to keep reading if you don’t want to
but I promise not all of my posts are going to be so anti- everything I believe.
This post was just a little description of what happens in my brain at times
when I get really bad baby fever. To keep things kosher for all you crazies
reading this blog I will state rather firmly that the only way I will start a
family is the way God intended it to be. I will have a husband and my kiddos
will have both of their parents in one household and be raised to know and
revere the sanctity of marriage and family. As far off as it seems at times I would
never want to screw up a child’s life and stability by doing this any other
way. I was raised in home with two great parents who loved each other very much
and that has been my rock no matter what I go through in my own life. I know
what a good family looks like and that’s the only way my future family will
happen. For now I will be content with all of my nieces and nephews and loving
on them♥
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