Unapologetic

       Today's post like many of my posts lately is on the subject of my husband. I write this knowing that this may be one of the last posts I write where he can just be my husband, not my ex husband. This evening I have something on my mind that I cannot get away from. This is something that has bothered me for quite a while. I am tired of feeling guilty for loving my husband. I have never loved anyone like I love him and at this point in time I cannot imagine loving someone else like I love him. I do not want my marriage to end and it breaks my heart every single day that this is the way it is going. I am sad that when we talk details it will be about our divorce and not about the plans for our future together. I am devastated that he no longer wants to be in my life. I miss him. I miss the way he would sing songs in the car and how he would do dorky dances and then look at me to make sure I saw him. I am hurt when I think about my future children and I can't say with 100% certainty that he will be their father. I do not think that this is wrong or that it is a bad thing. I think that this is right and it should be that way when you marry someone but somehow I am left feeling guilty for this. I should not have to apologize for the fact that I love him completely. I am sick that I lay awake so much of the time at night trying to convince myself that I am over him. I hate that when I have good dreams about him, I wake up sad. Why should I feel bad for loving the man that I committed my life to? People, without meaning to, make me feel guilty for caring about him. I get it, really I do because before I was in this situation I did the same thing to other people. I know that they do it out of love for me. I know that they don't want me hurting anymore, I know that they believe that I am so much more and that I deserve so much more and I am thankful for their belief in me. I appreciate that someone loves me and cares about me so much that it hurts them to see me hurt but let's face it, I have never been more hurt in my entire life. This is no where near being over. I lost the love of my life because of his choice. That makes me feel like crap. I know that people think it is time for me to put on my big girl pants and get this done. I know that they would have done this so differently and they do not understand what I do. People act like I should know what to do and just get it done. I want to scream at them "This is already happening! My marriage is ending. Isn't that enough for you? Am I not moving the divorce along fast enough for you? Have you stopped living your life waiting for me to make the next move on my life? On top of being broken hearted should I also be bitter and angry and mean to the man I love? Should I have a lawyer in my corner trying to get him for every penny he has"? I do not say these things because I know this is not really what they mean. Instead I see my list of people that I talk to openly getting smaller and smaller. I just get exhausted because I am already fighting this battle and I already know what he did to me. When I say something about him I do not need his list of sins brought up and along with that a lecture on what I should do about it. I should not have to apologize for the fact that when I planned my wedding I did not plan my divorce. When I was so busy picking out colors and wedding favors I didn't even stop to think what I would do if my husband ever walked out. When I was standing at the altar committing my life to him I meant forever and I did not have a backup plan for what would happen if the marriage ended. I refuse to be sorry for that. If you ever start to plan a wedding and you are planning the end of that marriage then do NOT get married. That is such a disgusting way to look at marriage. I no longer want to talk to someone and get the look when I say my husband's name. He is a real part of my life and he was a big part of my life and he has been for years. That is not going away anytime soon. If you hate him or feel angry at him then you do it all on your own, do not drag me down with you. I am living my life the way I feel is right and whatever happens in my future is ok. I am not there yet. I do not know what is going to happen. Once again, I make no promises to anyone about my plans for this. I cannot even make promises to myself, I break them every day. I will do what I need to do, but I will not give you time limits or say what it is exactly that needs to happen. I will no longer feel guilty for loving my husband. My love for him is what has given me the strength to get through what I have been through. My love for him is what keeps me fighting for him and being on his side even when he has rejected me. Divorce or not this man will always be worth fighting for to me. I will always want him to have a good life and I will always be on his team. That is what love is...it is not given because it is deserved, it is given as a gift from someone who is selfless. It is given in life as a necessity to keep living.