Stop Trying

Lately I have heard over and over again that people are trying...or in some cases not trying. This train of thought seems to be more damaging to people than actually helpful. I have thought about this a lot and have wondered if I am just being judgmental or if I am not giving people enough credit for what they are doing but that is the problem. People are so busy trying that they have completely stopped doing. I have come to realize that in my own life I am no longer trying and I am just doing. I was not given the choice to just try. It was literally do or die. Telling someone you are trying is a safety net for you. When you are doing something that you think is wrong and you are telling people that you are trying to do what is right...that is a cop out. You are not supposed to try to be right. You are either right or you are wrong. I have had people tell me that they are "not trying" to hurt me, scare me, tell me what to do. You do not try not to hurt someone you just don't do it. You do not try to do anything, you do it. Even if you do it and it was a failed attempt just do it. Recently I have had someone tell me that they were trying and that just by telling me that they were going to try was them trying. That person almost got a  knife stuck in the jugular. That was the worst cop out that I have ever heard in my entire life and it showed what kind of coward I was dealing with. It also showed me that I had no desire to try. If that is what trying is all about then I want no part of it. Trying is for cowards. Doing is for those of us fight the battle for real. If you are not ready to fight the battle then go home and hide under your covers. If you want to come to war with me do not even say the word try. I do not want to die because you are trying. Stop trying and start doing.

Girl on Fire

I want to be a girl on fire...or woman, I'm not picky. I just know that I do not want to be sad and alone and pushed into a corner. I know that I want people to look at me and see that life has not knocked me down. I know that I am strong and I know that I am a survivor but I want to be so much more. I am not just referring to the fact that I want my physical to be super hot although I am taking steps in that direction ;) I am saying that I am so much more than what you see. In the past few months I have been told things and seen things that could have destroyed me but they did not. In the past week I have lost someone that I thought would stand by my side no matter what and that could have destroyed me but it did not. I am on fire and I am coming up stronger and better than ever. Because of the situations I am dealing with I am becoming a new me. The new me is not angry or mean or depressed. The new me is beautiful and strong and the new me has faith that the old me could never know. I want to be new everyday and by new I will be better everyday. I am not doing this on my, I am nothing on my own but the power that I have is amazing and it is life changing. I am not keeping it to myself and I am ready to change other people's lives. Everyone around me is going to be influenced in one direction or the other, my influence is going to be positive. I know what love is and I have experienced it over and over and I believe in it. I believe that love can change any situation for both people involved. If I love you or have loved you then you will never be the same. I believe in kindness and charity and hope even when it looks like someone does not deserve it. Life has never been more beautiful to me and there have never been more opportunities to love and live completely. So much is changing all around me and all of it is for the better. I am ready for life and I am ready to live it fully. I know in whom I have believed and I know what my destiny is. I know that in the end I win! So when I say I want to be a girl on fire and that I want to set the world on fire I know that I can. I have been given the ability and there is nothing stopping me.

You Do Not Know How Strong You Are Until You Have To Be Strong.

I read that quote somewhere recently and I could never have understood that better than I do now. I have come to realize that there are things that seem like the end of the world but, they will not kill me. I have dealt with issues that I would never have imagined that I would deal with. This has been the hardest six months of my life without a doubt, some of the things that I have heard and things that have been said to me I will remember forever. I do not have to let it make me bitter and I do not have to let it determine what kind of person I am but there are some things that are said to you that will change your life forever. I want to be changed for the better. I do not want to look back at this time (honestly I do not want to have to look back at this time ever again. I wish that it could just be erased) and feel that this time in my life made me a weak person. If I have to look back at this and I know I will then I will look back this time and know for sure that I came out stronger than ever. I will have come out of this learning how to love better than I have ever loved, trusted more that I have ever trusted, given more than I have ever given, and lived more abundantly than I ever have before. This will be for me an experience that will shape who I am into something more beautiful and wonderful than I could have imagined ever being. I think that already I have learned some things and that yes the trial may still be going on but I am different than I was before it started. I have learned what love really is and that I know how to love someone unconditionally. You don't have to lose love for someone just because they do not have the same love for you. Love, real love is never ending and it does not go away. Real love does not allow you to be selfish, real love is putting someone else's needs before your own. I am sure that I have learned this but not only that I have also applied this to how I love. I have also learned how to just be quiet. Sometimes there are no words for the feelings that you feel and sometimes telling someone the truth over and over again is more damaging to them than it is good for them. Honesty is always key and you should not have to lie but if you have said the truth then let it stand on it's own. You do not always need to scream it at someone for them to hear you. Sometimes opening your mouth when you do not know what to say is damaging to you and to the other person. Sometimes fighting about something that is not about you or is not a permanant issue can break a relationship. In all of these things I have trialed and errored my way into the knowledge that somethings you just need to be quiet about. Silence is not always acceptance, silence can generally make a bigger statement than running your mouth out of anger. I have learned to be patient. You cannot rush something or rid yourself of something that you have no control over. I have prayed about things over and over and over again and I know that every time God as heard me and is taking care of me and evern though I do not see the results I want, I can wait. I know that what I am waiting for is exactly what I need. I have learned to trust comepletely and I have learned that trust in someone can be ripped away from you with one word. I know that sounds odd because how can you trust completely when its being ripped away from you. Trust is an action. You have to put things into trusting someone and you can do that completely whether they take it away every single day or not. My pastor said something a few weeks ago that has helped me tremendously. God believes every day that people are going to make the right decisions and when they don't he still believes that they will because he has created all of us and we are his children and when people are not living in the way that he designed for them then they are living a lie. If they are living a lie and you believe the lie about them then how will they ever live in the truth  of who they are. If you cannot believe the truth about someone then they probably never will. So yes people do dumb things and sometimes these things affect me because I am involved in their lives but what they are doing is not who they are. When they do wrong things that is them living the lie and I believe eveytime that they will live in the truth and do the right thing. So yes today you said something that broke my heart and took my trust in you away but as soon as I put this into perspective I will trust you again because the truth is that you are a good person and you are doing the best you can and that I can trust you. I also want to live in the truth and do the best that I know how. Because of this I am strong and I am stronger than I ever thought that I could be. I would never have known the power that I have unless I had to have it. I would never have known that I was a fighter unless I had to fight and I will not have known true victory if I had never had to be victorious over something.

Let It Go

      Have you ever had soemone tell you that the decisions that they make are not about you and that it has nothing to do with you and just like that magically you should feel all  better about what you know is wrong? Have you ever struggled so hard with someone's decisions because you do feel like although it is not directly related to you it will affect you? This is something that I have been living with for the past few months and it is making me crazy. I do not want it anymore and by it I mean I do not want the resposibility or stress of your decisions bad or good. I want to live my life the way I know is right and not have anything questionable that could eventually hurt me. It is so hard for me to let this go because what the people that you love do can really end up hurting you too. I can honestly say that I am sick and my heart is broken and I do not want to live like that anymore. How about when someone is sitting there telling you that what they are doing is ok and it's fine and all that you can think is...if it's hurting me then how is it ok? If you look at me and you see that I am broken and I am scared and I am hurting because of what you are doing then please tell me how it is not my problem?? It is! When people are careless with your heart and your life but they are supposed to be protecting you and loving you it makes you feel worthless and alone. It makes me question everything because I want to know why I was not important enough to make you think twice before you said something and did things that ripped me apart? Why did it not matter how I felt? Why am I not good enough for you to love so much that you would do whatever you had to do to make this relationship better? Will I never be enough for you? Are we ever going to be ok? There are things that have happened recently that have hurt worse than anything I have ever felt in my entire life and I have been lied to and cheated on and betrayed before so you think that would have been the worst thing. It's not. Giving your all to someone and expecting them to give back and then getting nothing is worse. Thinking that someone has your back and then realizing your fighting your battles alone can tear you apart. The saddest part in all of this is I can only blame me because I was putting my identity in this and now that it's been blown apart I really feel like I am nothing...or at the very least I am a shattered broken piece of what I used to be. I guess that means its time to change for me. Like I said when I started this post...I am done with living other people's lives and feeling like everytime they make a mistake I have to be that much stronger to fix it. So to anyone in my life that I have this issues with I want to say: I cannot fix you, I cannot heal you, and I certainly cannot save you. There is a freedom that comes in that because even though I want to and I am afraid that if I don't do it for you then you won't get to a place where it can happen; I am wrong in thinking that I ever could and I was hurting myself the most by allowing myself to believe that I could. This does not mean that I do not love you completely and that I would not do whatever I can to help you and support you and be the one that gives it all up to make you happy but I am taking my hands off of your life. I am going to finally let go of you in the way where I feel like I own you and I will pray everyday that when you wake up you live the right way and that you make your decisions knowing that they do not just affect you. The things that you say and the things that you do will impact people either positively or negatively and I hope for you that you do not affect people in a negative way that would cause them pain or heartache. I want the best in life for you and I always will.
     Having said all of that let me say that I think many people are dealing with these types of issues whether it be with husbands, wives, parents, children, friends, etc. I know that obvioulsy when you have young children you do shape them and help them learn right from wrong but when you are dealing with adults you cannot live their life. It is not good for them and it is even worse for you. Let it go.

Where did Friday Fun go?

          My Parents have recently moved out of my childhood home and by doing so they have discarded many years of unnecessary items. Because of this my mom told me that if there is anything that I left at their house that I wanted then I would need to come collect it. I did not think there was anything there. If there were things there then to me they were not important and I did not care if they were thrown out...so imagine my surprise when I went to my sisters at the beginning of the week and she had a pile of my stuff that she thought I would want. As I went through journal after journal...none completed but many started I realized how much I used to do in my early teenage years. It seemed like the one day I never skipped in my journals was Friday. Most entries were from Fridays and they would always start with: Tonight I am... most of the I ams were going to youth meetings at church or going to the mall. I remember loving Fridays with everything within me because for some reason I always felt like it was a magical start to a fun weekend. This did not change as I got older. I was out constantly and that included, shopping, dinners, sleep overs, run away weekends. On weekend my friend and I literally left straight from work to head to Scranton, P.A. We got there around 8pm ate dinner slept in a hotel and headed back home the next morning. It seems a but ridiculous now when I think about what I spent on a hotel and gas and food for a trip that lasted all 20 hours but back then thats what I did. I loved being out. If I was hoem for too long it was an epic fail on my end. The weekends were mine and I took them by storm. I would say that in the past 2 years this has changed durastically. Now by the time I leave work on a Friday I am wondering what bills I need to pay ( or not pay without being cancelled), what house work needs to be done (before it goes on 2 weeks of the bathroom not being scrubbed and just being wiped down), and can I take a nap? Yeah that is what my Fridays have turned in to. This is the saddest thing that has ever happened to me. I am not even a mom yet! I shouldn't be saying that my fulfilling comes from wiping snotty noses and changing diapers because it does not and yet somehow I am not the cute, getting dresses up to gout girl anymore. It is rather depressing that now my usual attire on Fridays is my pajamas!
            Tonight my husnad wanted to have the guys over for a "Call of Duty Night" and so I thought that this would be my chance to get back to the fun me. I was so wrong. Not one of my friends is avaialble to do anything...they all have kids now or at leats husbands and so yeah they are all home bound and then my besties that do not have families of their own have numerous other things going on. I was sitting at work desperately wondering what I could do to make this a fun Friday when I got a text. My little brother in law was asking me to come babysit him and his brother tonight... at this point I am holding up my white flag of surrender and asking forgiveness for trying to be that fun girl I used to be. I will go home and don my pajamas or at least my comfy clothes and then head to the in-laws for a night of baby sitting. Yay me!

I Never...

These are the negative "I Nevers"

1. I never thought that I took "I love you" for granted. I mean sure alot of the times it was shouted as I ran out the door and I barely waited for a reply but I never actually thought I was taking it for granted. I was.

2. I never thought that quick kisses hello and goodbye meant anything. I was always waiting for the big romantic ones. I never thought the little kisses meant so much. They do.

3. I never thought that I would be questioning everything that was promised to me almost 2 years ago. I am.

4. I never realized how fragile your heart still is even when you are married. It can still break.

5. I never knew that you could cry for hours and feel like you have nothing left only to burst into tears again. You can.

6. I never knew that I would be calling my big sister asking her what I am supposed to do because I know she went through similar issues. I did.

7. I never realized how dependant you can be on someone's love and affection for you. Now I know.

8. I never thought that I would have anxiety trying to leave my home and yet be too depressed to stay home. I did.

9. I never knew that you could need someone so bad when they were the one pushing you away. You can.

10. I never knew thought soemthing like this was coming. It was.

These are the Positive Ones

1. I never realized how strong I am with God. Nothing can stop me.

2. I never thought I had it in me to fight this kind of battle. I do.

3. I never realized how many people understand where I am right now. There are alot of you.

4. I have never seen someone walk out of work and come rescue their friend. It happened on Friday.

5. I never expected my sister to get to my house and drive me out to a completely different place because I was having a nervous break down. She did on Thursday.

6. I never knew that I could give so much love to someone that was breaking my heart. I can.

7. I never expected to wake up this morning with strength and joy. I did.

Babies, babies, babies!

      It is no surprise to anyone that knows me that I want a baby. It's not like I have been trying and trying with no results, at this point we are not trying but that does not diminsh my desire to have my own baby. I have been married for 1 year and 8 months now and I do not think that is too soon to get pregnant. It has been about a year since I decided that I actually wanted a baby. Sometimes there are issues in life that prevent you from being able to have a baby apart from physical issues and this past year has been quite an adventure with those "issues". I have yet to broach this particular subject on my blog because for a while now I have thought of it as something small and not worth writing about. It also has nothing funny in it and for me it seems all too daunting. The thing is that this is where I write down how I feel and I do not hold back about anything else. I have talked about marriage, family, death, even my uncles girlfriend who happened to be a prostitute and yet somehow when I think about writing down this particular struggle of mine I, I push it off. Something within me has needed to change for quite some time including my perspective, I feel like it has changed or is changing and so now I feel like I can write about this with a clear perspective.
       In september it will have been one year since I tossed my last pack of birth control and set out thinking that this was a "Baby Year". This was with the full consent of my husband. It was the day of his grandmother's funeral and although we had been talking about the idea for a little bit this was the day it was actually decided that we were going to start a family. I remember that later in that evening we had been messing around and I threatedned to go and get the birth control out of my purse and take it. He grabbed it and took off with it, I now know that he just threw it away. Then for about a month and a half we "tried". It was not anything serious and there was no schedule or plan we just kind of figured it would happen when it happened. Well nothing happened in that 6 weeks or so and then shortly after that there was an issue that required use of some protection. That was fine with me and I figured it would give my body time to regulate if needed. I do have to say that while on and also when I stopped taking birth control I had no issues with my cycle whatsoever. I feel truly blessed because of that, I know many women who had issues with that and I can't imagine that feeling. I can say most sincerely that I am so thankful that my body had no lasting effects one me. So for me the break felt like the prime time to start getting healthy and eating right and taking vitamins because if I did get pregnant then I would be better physically prepared to handle pregnancy. My brain went one place with the time off and my husbnands went completely the other way. Yoiu have to understand that for us this was like we switched places completely. When we first got married all he talked about was me getting pregnant and the very thought made me want to remain a virgin. I am in full support of just enjoying time together for a year of marriage. For some people that is not needed and for some people it takes longer. He seemed like he was so ready for big things and he was so mature and he spent alot of time at home and although he was ready, I was feeling greedy. I couldn't imagine giving up the attention that I was getting from my husband, it was definitely a maturity issue for me. Life got more comfortable for us and while for me that meant my maternal instinct kicked in for my husband it meant that while he is a married man and a great husband he realized that he needed his independence as well. So back to the break...during that period of time I was getting myself all psyched for a baby and he was realizing that he was nowhere near baby time. I remember the night that I found out that he changed his mind. It felt like to me that he rejected me and it broke my heart. I balled my eyes out and ended up leaving the bed and laying on the couch. in my head he was going to come and get me and say "Just Kidding"! or at least give me a good reason (I do not believe money to be a good reason) and tell me that soon we could get back to trying. No such luck. Mark never has been and may never be that kind of guy. I sometimes feel like he can be heartless when in fact he is realistic. He is also not as sensitive in the same ways that I am and he sees no point in prolonging my dramatics. I can't always say that I blame him. He definitely took my princess card and ran it through a shredder. The issue with this is that this time I am not throwing a fit because I want new clothes or because he is going out all night, this time I was seriously broken because I felt betrayed. It is hard for me to communicate this with him in a good way because I know that he did nothing wrong intentionally. Sometimes when people break your heart they do it innocently. Sometimes when your heart is broken it is more your fault than anyone elses, not always or even most times but sometimes. So lets just say for the past six or seven months I have been dealing with this. I have not been dealing well with this. I bring it up all of the time. We have argued about it numerous times and everytime that I hear that someone else is pregnant I feel a part of myself break down again. I am not angry or jealous of these people and I know that God makes babies and that there are no accidents. I am happy that these woman have been blessed with something so incredible, the ability to give life. That doesn't mean that it doesn't sting a little. I mentioned above that I felt betrayed when my husband changed his mind. I know that then and even until every recently I had that feeling and that feeling was in error. But this is how I felt: I am the one who took the chance on screwing up my body and just quit taking those pills. I am the one who was risking my body by being willing to get pregnant. I am the one who will be getting up most of the time with a new baby. I will be feeling the labor. I will be breast feeding the baby. I will be sick and nauseas. I am the one who has that undeniable maternal instinct that screams out for a baby. I am the one who already loves my children although they are not even here and I am the one who worries and frets about things that they may have to go through. I am the one who has all the friends having them. I am the main one that gets asked "are you next"? all of the time. I am the one and yet one word from him and my whole dream was shattered. Then I felt lied to, why would he have told me that we could try and then changed his mind? Why did he let me get all excited about something that and then just walk away from it like it was never an option? I also mentioned above that while I matured and was ready for motherhood my husband seemed to backtrack down immaturity lane. Suddenly he had to go out with the guys all of the time and he had to have a motorcycle and he had to have a regular car and a project car and then his job started sucking and he had alot by that time and then I was told that there was no money for a baby. I prayed for God to strike that bike with lightening...thankfully he did not listen to my vengeful prayers. All I could see was the dollar amounts of everything that he had bougt or the gifts that I gave him and I wanted to scream. For months now this has been a constant struggle of mine. Up until a day ago I truly felt like alot of times I resented him and all that he had when I felt so lacking. In part because of this issue and then because of other life issues I feel like our marriage has been tested. I am more than a little disappointed to know that this has been in part because of my own anger and resentment towards a man that I am in love with. Yesterday I got a bit of a reality check...I have known the truth for so long and yet I let my own feelings get in the way. The truth is this: God is in control of every situation not just the ones that we want him to control. He is in control regardless and its when you take matters into your own hands that things fall apart. So if my God is in control then why I am I so upset about a situation that is not in my area of control. I do believe that God give us means to handle situations on our own but still if he is the one giving us the ability or wisdom to get through something then he is still the one controlling it. I also fully believe that things happen when we pray that would not have happened if we did not pray. We have power with God and we have the ability to change situtaions in our lives. Knowing that and maybe taking that into doing my own thing I now know that I have been praying the wrong way about the baby struggle. I literally would pray for immaculate conception...not even kidding about that one. Then my brain went to "oh if that happens would it still look like me and Mark"? Yeah that just goes to show how messed up my thinking really was. When I finally figured out that I was wrong on that end I would pray that the condoms would leak or break or something unexpected. Like maybe trickery would make all of this better. I guess what I didn't realize was that through all of this when I was struggling maybe Mark was too. Maybe in a completely different way and about completely different things but obviously if something in him changed that much there would be a reason. I will admit that lately I have been praying more for him and less for me, but I still had so much hurt and resentment in my heart about the baby thing. I finally realized that my husband will not be ready for a baby until he has life straightened out and until God gives him that ability. I know it sounds off but Mark will not be the man I need without God and when he gives everything over to God then all things fall into place. All things. So what I have realized is that I need to be more concerned about the welfare of my husband. I need to pray for him like never before and pray that God gives him strength and grace every single day. I need to help him fight that battles that he deals with by praying more than ever before. When we have a family (and I still hope it is soon) I want to them to have the best mother and the best father that they can have. Parenting is not one sided and that is where I was so wrong. This baby is not just about me it is about us. I am still praying that God gives me the ability to have a child and I am praying that we can have a baby soon. This is my hearts desire. I am also not telling God how to make it happen and I am praying more that my husband will be ready to be a father. This has been a long post but I feel like it was necessary for me to get all of this out. I feel so much better knowing that God ca handle this for me and give me what I need to deal with it and that I do not have to work it out on my own. I am blessed.