Something's Changing

It is after 2am here in Rochester...I have been trying to fall asleep for an hour. I have a million thoughts running through my head. I have had a lot of conversations today with my brother in law that have changed me...again. I like to be changed, it's freeing to know we live that life. The good life. There is a song we sing in church. "Heaven on Earth" I love this song because it says: something's moving, something's changing, see his glory feels like heaven on earth. When you're moving and changing then you are living. Completely living. Being alive is the greatest miracle for me. I am alive to love with my arms wide open. The biggest thing is loving yourself. As I am sure I have posted in my other blogs you CANNOT and WILL NOT be able to truly love anyone else until you can love yourself. I firmly believe that and yet I fall short of that every single day. I put up protective walls around myself and just as quickly as I tear them down another one is in the process of rising. I do this out of self preservation. Like everyone in this world I have been hurt and broken by decisions that not only I but other people have made. Right before my sister left for Alaska we had a pretty revealing conversation and it made me realize that we build these walls up from a very young age. As children we have a self protecting nature. Our brains can blot out the most traumatic memories. Children in horrible situations tend to forget, at least for a time, a lot of what has happened to them. I have never studied this and I have limited knowledge in this kind of thing but I do have some personal experience. I have also heard of others people's similar situations. From a young age we learn to shut out what hurts us and forget the fear or the pain. Sonetimes the memories come back when we are older and we are left to deal with it when our brains and emotions have matured. This is the way we work, humans at their best! This is a great and horrible thing. I do not want walls built so high up that no one can get in. I want nothing standing in the way of me loving myself and everyone else. I am changing, I am learning to embrace the fact that people will disappoint you and hurt you but that they can forever be changed by your pure love for them. I am also learning that I love myself and I respect myself. I have had this attitude of "it would take a lot for some man to walk into my life and love me for all that I am and all of my scars". I would say that because it was what I thought and it was a wall of words. It was like oh if I say that ahead of time no one will be surprised and whoever decides to try and love me will be forewarned. What a line! What an attitude to have! The very idea of what I was saying, maybe to protect myself, was such a lie. Love is love...there are no levels of love. If someone loves me then they love me for all that I am. Love makes you a better person when you give it and when you receive it. I am changing...my attitude about myself is changing. I don't want to stunt someone else's growth by saying I love them and not being able to give myself completely away. I don't want to stunt my own growth by not believing the same truths about me. If I can believe it for you then I can believe it for me and vise versa. This life we live, what an amazing gift and this love we have, what an amazing power. The greatest power God has given us♥ I am so in love with the changing and the moving forward. I am so in love with the slight to severe discomfort that I get in the changing process because it means I am alive. I love to love because it means I am not just living but I am living in all the power in heaven and earth. With all of that power there is no limit to God can do.