The Most Harmful Words

I was talking to a friend recently and something about the whole conversation caught my attention. We were discussing how people have said negative things to her that have made her feel like less of a person and so I started to tell her what I thought about her and what I know about her and as I was trying to build her up and fix the damage that negative words had done I began to think about my own life. I have insecurities and fears and though some of them may be from years ago I feel like many of them have stemmed from my impending divorce and the thought of losing someone I loved more than anyone. Unlike my friend who has had negative things screamed at her, I was not in a relationship like that. For all the things he has done wrong my husband was not verbally negative towards me. He did not call me names, at least to my face and he did not say that he hated me. He did not tell me I was ugly or fat. Like most marriages things were said on both of our parts either in jest or in a moment of anger that were negative. I mean sure these things could have been life altering, your words usually are and I have many, many things that I said to him that I wish I would never have said. You can spend years building someone up and showing them how wonderful they really are and in just a minute you can tear all of that down. I am ashamed to admit that as much as I tried to make him feel wonderful I did a lot of tearing down as well. I probably did more than he did because I am somewhat quick when it comes to my temper and I can spew out the most unkind things in seconds. To his credit he was better at walking away. Still, from the time I knew he was leaving I became so fearful and unsure of myself. The thought came to me that it was not the words he did say to me, it was the words he left unspoken. I know words have the power to tear down or build up but even if you are not tearing someone down, what happens if you never build them up? If you never build someone up then they are left to their own imagination and we all know imaginations can suck! I think that most harmful words are the ones unspoken the ones that you should say and you never do. I get the whole "if you cant say anything nice then don't say anything at all" but seriously, lets look at this from a different angle. If someone is not saying something nice to you and just being silent then you are left to assume that they want to say something mean...duh instant insecurities. Do you mean to tell me that there is not one nice thing you could have said. How many times have you looked at someone and thought the most horrible things and then regretted it because even though you didn't say them you know what you thought about them and in the moment you really felt that but then you feel bad cause you know its not the truth. I know people get angry and no you should not scream at them and say horrible negative things that can make them think they are worthless forever. I understand that walking away works in many situations as long as when you calm down you come back and you tell that person how wonderful they really are and you work out whatever the issue was in a calm way. You should never just walk away from someone to save them from you negativity and then just move on like nothing happened. There should always be words and communication but it should be when you are ready to look at that person and see the good that God has made them with. When you walk away and leave them on their own and never use your words to be the good in their life then you may as well not exist in their life. You need to be a positive influence in someone's life. Everything you say to them should be out of love and out of care and f it is even if it sounds harsh you can follow it up with showing them you love them and reinforcing them. You would not regret looking at someone and saying something nice...not ever. No, I do not wish that my husband had screamed horrible negative obscenities at me just so that he had used his words. That would be a horrible thing but I do wish that when he thought I looked pretty he would have told me. I do wish that when he loved me he would have told me that more often. I wish that if he realized the effort I was making to be the best wife that he would have confirmed that with words. So what that you did not insult me? I needed to hear that you appreciated me. Instead I was left to my own imagination and in my imagination I was not good enough. I mean sure I know that is not true. I know that the issued were not mine but it would have been nice to have been built up enough before the wreckage hit. I want to implement this thinking into my life. It is so easy to be negative because sometimes it is perceived as hilarious and it can be so easy to walk away, but since I know the damage that both of those things can cause I want to try and always speak but speak love and truth into people's lives. I do not ever want to leave words unspoken that can change a person for the better.