My mommy, yup sometimes I still
call her mommy, she is the reason I am who I am today. I do not even know where
to begin saying how much I admire her and love her. When I was a kid I used to
think she was the mean one or maybe just the one who did not put up with a
whole lot. She is not a dramatic, crazy over the top girly girl and so unwarranted
melt downs and fits were not permitted or even acknowledged. If we wanted
something or had to ball our eyes out my dad let us be the princesses. He would
call us his little lambs and comfort us but probably sometimes to a fault. When
I was younger I was a little tiny drama queen and I cried about everything. My
mom was so patient with me and helped me and cared for me but she never let me
be ridiculous. I was afraid of ants and flies…no lie. I remember clearly that a
fly landed on my sandwich once at a picnic and I lost my mind. My mom just
brushed it off and told me I was fine. I would say that the intense emotions
and passion I have come more from my dad but I know that the strength I have
comes from my mother. She is beautiful; strangers tell me how beautiful she is.
She was and still is a stay at home mom and yet she never let herself go. She got
up every single day and exercised and showered and got dressed and made
breakfast. She was never ever lazy. She would do our school with us and clean
the house at the same time. she took us to the park, and the museum, and the
zoo and all of those fun things. They say hind sight is 20/20 and I do believe
that. What I may have thought was sometimes mean was just discipline. She gave
me and my sisters and my brother our best chance at life. She instilled values
that are still in my life. She was the one who would make us turn off inappropriate
movies or who monitored what we read, she was the one that would make us change
if our outfits were ridiculous and sometimes I looked at those things like they
were suffocating but now I see that she was just making us a benefit to society
not monsters. We learned to clean and do laundry and all kinds of things that
we would need to know for our adult life. She knew everything about us, what we
liked what made us happy and what broke our hearts and she took time to do
things to make us happy. I also remember my mom shutting herself in her room
and praying and speaking in tongues and that is something priceless. The one
thing that she did for me was be an example of complete love and strength. I love
the way I love because of how I watcher her love. I was the wife I was because
of the wife she was. If I have kids I will be the mother I am because of the
mother she was. Without watching her come through her brokenness and come out
stronger and without watching her care for and love my dad no matter what the
past year of my life would have killed me. I would not know how to love someone
who hurts you and I would not know how to pray for people that disappoint you. I
would not know how to get up every single day and live my life even when I wanted
to give up. Without her I would be more afraid than I am, more insecure than I can
be and a lot of other negative things. She is selfless and brave and she is the
very definition of love. Because of her I am a real lady. Because of her our
family is still together and because of her the world has five amazing humans,
no make that six…this includes my dad. Sometimes I am afraid to tell her how
scared or broken I really am because I don’t want her to know how disappointed I
am in myself and the way my life has gone but its like she knows and she always
obliterates those fears and lets me know how amazing I really am. She has never
looked on me in judgment whether I am yelling about something that I just said I didn't care about or whether I am crying about something like the wrong kind of
ice cream. Just the other day I was texting her and mentioned me losing weight
and how I am working so hard for it. She did not tell me not to do that but she
just said that some people would kill for my curves. She just wanted me to know
that to her I am already beautiful and that other people see it too. That was
better than a compliment from anyone else because it was from her heart. I know
that she is proud of us even if she doesn't scream it from the roof tops
because she shows it in the way she treats us. I have always loved her but I don’t
think I have ever valued her like I do now. I have gone through some things
that I have watched her go through and I can appreciate all that she did and
all of the strength that she portrayed. I know she probably won’t read this
blog but I can tell her these things in person or write her a letter. I just
hope that the rest of the world can see this and will know what kind of mother I
have. I hope that if anyone who knows me or her reads this, that they get a new
appreciation for motherhood. If anyone reading this loves me at all and thinks
that I am anything then I hope you realize that I am what I am because I had
the best kind of mom in the world♥
5.10.2013
What's going on in my head today...Yikes
TGIF!! I am actually pretty psyched that I made
it through another week without A) killing anyone and B) messing up my fitness
plan ♥ I feel like I have been doing pretty good in those areas…mainly because I
want to be pretty sexy and also because killing people is against the law ;) So
starting this week I started to regain some of the anxiety that I thought I was
finally over. This really has nothing to do with my husband or any of our
marital issues (although I am sure that as a background does not help) and it
has to do with me. I feel overwhelmed by all the things that I want to
accomplish and on top of that there are other extra things happening. My brain
works something like this… ‘I have to work out Saturday, but I told my younger
sister we could hang out for a while, but I have to make my mom a cake…omg I have
to go to the store. I have no money! My cell bill is due, I need to work out
and eat less, I wonder how long I am gonna be with my mom on Sunday so I can
also make time for my mother in law? I can’t breathe…I am panicking. I’m so
tired and I just want to sleep in on Saturday but I have to work out and I won’t
have time to make a cake and work out and hang out with my sister in the
morning…’ yeah so that’s how it goes until I am usually hyperventilating and
then I realize that’s only like four thing I have to accomplish and I can go to
the store tonight and get my cards and cake mix and the cake doesn’t have to be
baked in the morning and I don’t have to work out in the morning. You know what
is important? Getting my butt up and praying because if I can just pray and
talk to God and know that he is holding me then nothing else matters. I am
pretty adept at rolling with the punches, I don’t like to live like that and it
can be uncomfortable but honestly I have a big God and he has never left me and
he will not. This is something that I have to remind myself of daily because I am
my biggest problem. Mostly I make the problems for myself but panicking over
things that are just not in my control. So once again today and probably not
for the first time today I am taking a deep breath and letting it go and asking
God for help.
Secondly have you ever heard
people say that they don’t want their funerals to be sad or depressing and that
they want it to be a celebration of the life lived…anyone who comes to my
funeral better be balling. If I die young or if the rapture doesn’t come before
I live a full long life and I have to have a funeral y’all better be losing
your minds with grief! LOL JK…kind of. I mean I don’t want anyone suicidal over
it and I know that over time you will forget me but my funeral is the last day
about me and I want people mourning the loss of someone so wonderful. My oldest
sister actually knows certain specifics I have about my funeral if I die young
so she has to be in charge of that. If I die when I am old I guess I don’t really
even care. Honestly if I make it to at least 75 (I prefer 100) then I don’t care
too much how people mourn. If I have kids and a surviving spouse then I want
them to be upset but old people die…that’s the way it goes so mainly I want it
to be devastating if I die young. I know this is a morbid topic but honestly
sometimes I imagine myself being hit by a car as I walk out into a parking lot
and I always imagine myself as a young woman when that happens. I just feel
like if I were going to die young I want people at my funeral in black and the
women wearing those hats with the netted veils and those finger-less lace gloves
and strands of pearls and tears streaming down their faces and the men in suits
with handkerchiefs. I guess I kind of imagine a dark and romantic funeral for
myself haha. I am pretty sure I will be convicted about that at some point
because for us death is nothing. We live forever…but I am not super dramatic
and this would be one heck of a way to send me off. Ok lets be real…if any of
you have ever seen the music video for the song “Helena” by My Chemical Romance
(totally not recommending this, just saying if you know what I’m talking
about then you get this) then that is kind of the look I am going for. I know
my brain is a hot mess because yes I have thought about this and yes I have put
waaay too much thought into this so, I will move on now.
I was going to put something
about my mom in this post but it feels weird doing that right after discussing
my funeral so I am going to do a separate post about that. Today I am going to
be thankful on purpose. Knowing what you have and realizing your blessings is
the remedy for overcoming stress and fear. I can be worried for what I don’t have
or what I am unsure of or I can be so thankful for what I do have and what I know
is true. Today I am living thankfully!
5.07.2013
Workout Horrors!
Yesterday was my worst workout
day so far!! I didn’t think I would write another post so soon but I seriously almost
lost it yesterday working out and I feel like I need to let it out. I knew that
the hardest part of this weight loss battle would be mental but I don’t think
it helps that I am already pretty mentally unstable. My brain is on a whole
other level! Yesterday marked the first full week of my new healthy eating and
working out life and I felt good about it all day. I was so ready to just get
into it and burn more calories and get myself toned and I thought I was going
to be on fire…nope. The issue is that I was already having a mental battle
because I knew I needed to clean and I knew that if I cleaned first I would not
want to workout but if I worked out first then I would be too tired to really
clean. As a responsible adult I feel like cleaning my house should be a
priority and taking care of my home is part of growing up and I do feel better
when my home is clean. I neglected it all weekend to the point where I had to
still put the clean sheets on my bed but I still felt my obsessive behavior
coming through and I just knew I had to go on my walk/ jog and exercise or I would
feel like such a fail. I decided that I would workout right away and still get
the important cleaning handled and that no matter what I would just push
through it all. I drove to the park…and feeling like the champ I parked at the
farthest end to give myself a little more walking time. I didn’t know then that
I was going to hate myself for it later. I waked down the little path headed to
the trail and it hit me immediately, I was tired and it was hot and I was going
to do at least two miles whether I wanted to or not. I did not want to do it at
all! I wanted to turn right around and go home and pretend that cleaning my
toilet was a workout. I was seriously halfway through my first mile and I was
huffing and puffing from walking and I was sweaty and maybe even crying a
little bit. Pandora wouldn’t work and although I have some music on my phone it’s
not my normal workout music. My legs hurt, I felt a little light headed and it
was just horrible but I kept going and even pushed myself to do some jogging
sprints. It didn’t feel good; it didn’t feel like an accomplishment it just
felt like hell. With tears in my eyes and heavy breathing I started to go down
that horrible path in my mind. I was thinking ‘I have been doing this for a
week and there is no change! I am gonna be one of those people who tries so
hard and gets no where. If there is a difference it is that one of my many
rolls may be one tenth smaller than it was and that’s not enough for a week of
killing myself. I want cake.’ Yes I was having a pity party and so once again I
pushed myself to do some more jogging. I still didn’t feel good and I still
felt tired and it still wanted to go hide from the world. I finished my first
mile and went in for my second and once again halfway through that I was like “I’m
done”! The biggest problem is at that point I have to walk back to my car, so I
can finish out the trail or turn around but either way I’m getting that whole
mile in LOL. I just decided to keep going but to keep my pace up I started
being nasty to myself. I was pushing myself but the things I was thinking to
push myself could probably make someone suicidal. So then I got myself all
upset in a whole different way and I was just like wow! Could this possibly go
any worse? I think the fact that mere walking with a little jogging mixed in
was making me so exhausted really killed it. I was so out of shape that just walking
was making me want to die. It hits home when you realize how far gone your body
really is at 25 years old. It just felt like such a tragedy and I felt so
miserable. I finished my second mile in a jog…still didn’t feel proud. I felt
tired and sweaty and then I looked out at the parking lot and wanted to
collapse. What had I been thinking parking on the opposite side of the parking
lot? I mean the parking lot isn’t even that big and I was still in despair. I half
walked half sobbed my way to the car and dropped into my seat. I took some deep
breaths and realized that I did it. I didn’t do it the way I wanted to and I didn’t
do it with all that fire and passion but I didn’t quit either. Finally at that
point I started to feel a little bit better. My legs were shaking and I felt
like I was going to pass out but I had made it. I got home and even managed to
do another 30 minutes of toning which was also a huge deal for me. I spent like
five minutes on the floor hating my tummy. I was literally like OMG what am I doing??
Why am I still so blubbery?! I didn’t even feel like I was doing my crunches
correctly, everything just felt so wrong but I was like ya know what? I have
come this far today and I will keep going. So I did! I got through my whole
workout and cleaned my bathroom and made my bed and made dinner. I definitely
did not feel like I rocked it yesterday. I do not feel like I was conquering my
weight but I guess how I feel doesn’t matter because I did it anyways and on
the scale this morning the number was down. I am hoping that with it physically
getting easier it will also get easier mentally. Like one of my besties told me
today, “you shouldn’t think so negatively or do that to yourself because then
working out will always have that negative feeling. Start thinking about the
positive end and the good things that will happen when you have met your goals.”
I agree. I should not tell myself how ugly I am, that’s not true. I shouldn’t tell
myself that anything that has happened in my life that I don’t like or that
hurt me is a result of me not being super model skinny, that’s a horrid lie. I
should look at the fact that I will be healthy and happy and make some guy
really happy someday when he sees me naked ;-) Today I am going on a hike with
my friend and so I will not be alone with my thoughts and I will be in a different
area and see different scenery and I think that today is going to be better. I am
still fairly certain that I will never be that girl that loves to workout. I am
pretty sure I kinda hate it, but I am determined.
5.06.2013
Happy Monday!
Ok so I made it through my first full
weekend of being healthy and trying to get myself into shape. I would say that Sunday
was my worst day because I didn't really get in any real exercise and also I didn't eat super good. I did not eat a ton of junk and I managed to get three meals in
but they were not the best. I would not call it a fail but I am not really
proud of myself. I did really well on Friday and Saturday so I guess I mostly
won this weekend. Saturday I actually busted my butt and so I kinda felt like
taking a break on Sunday was not horrible but I still want to eat so good even
if I don’t work out. I do not wanna start slipping because that’s when I find
myself sitting on the couch with a whole package of cookies and that my friends
would be an epic FAIL!!
So in the course of one
week: My boss gave me a scratch off which I won $5 on and then one of my other
bosses bet us office girls that his agency would make so much money and if he
lost we each got $50. Well he lost…so yay $50 bucks richer!! Then my boss
bought us a place in the Kentucky Derby bet so I picked the horse…he didn't win
us anything. Apparently the name “Will Take Charge” does not mean that the
horse really will take charge, whatevs! Well all of this happened and on Thursday
night I was sitting in church when it hit me…I had a scratch off ticket in my
purse and a check for $50 that I won in a bet. I started getting a little
twitchy like I am not a gambler and I didn't put my own money into anything but
OMG. I usually keep my purse unzipped especially in church because it means
easier access and less noise when I need a mint or hand lotion or chapstick. Also
I keep my purse on the seat right next to me. I am usually sitting alone in
church now and I don’t like people being super close to me. I like to have a
seat in between me and someone else unless it’s my husband or sister or someone
like that. So there I am in church with my purse next to me all wide opened and
showing off my sinner money! Lol now I am not really sure that anyone was even
looking at my purse or if the ticket and check were showing but wow! I zipped
up that purse so fast I almost pinched my fingers doing it. I must say that on
Friday when I was able to go grocery shopping for all of my healthy food and
not have to use most of my paycheck I was rather pleased!
The last thing I have to
say is that I am so impressed with the way God loves us and how even though he doesn't have to he proves it over and over again every single day! There was a small
part of this past weekend where I started to feel a little sad and a lot empty.
I know that I don’t have to wait until church to get what I need but at the
same time I just wanted to be there. So Saturday night I was lying in bed and
just thinking God if I can just go to sleep when I wake up I will be going to
church and it will be all better. I was trying to pray about certain situations
and I guess I was not just trying I was actually doing it but I felt pretty
disconnected from it and so out of it. I know it’s my fault; I had been so
occupied with other things that I had not been focused on praying. So yes I still
prayed and I know that God still heard me, you have to push through the dumb
feelings and just know that he is God and he loves you no matter what you feel
like. Still as I prayed I also prayed that something would happen Sunday morning,
that I wouldn't leave without refreshing and that I wouldn't leave the same.
Sunday morning was awesome and it was just what I needed and what everyone
needed but I felt like yes! God really loves us and he doesn't want us to walk around
feeling empty. He wants us to be full and have the best life and even when it
is our fault he wants to help us. I am so impressed with the love. It gives me
the hope and faith that I need to wake up every day and be the best me that I can
be.
5.02.2013
Accidental Adventure
So I promised adventures and fun
and without even trying I found myself in a situation worthy to write about. It
all starts off as fun and games and then out of no where I find myself in less
desirable situations. Like any other great adventure this started with a normal
day. I got up and went to work and had a super boring work day. I went home and
did some ab workouts (My new fitness plan in action) and then got ready to go
to my cousin’s house. As soon as I got into the car I put on some good music to
keep me pumped and put on my sunglasses. I was feeling pretty good and ready to
go. Well as I was driving down the road about three minutes from my house I
ended up behind this car, an older green Honda civic. He had kinda pulled out
in front of me and so I was pleasantly surprised when instead of pulling out
and slowing down he kept the pace up and we were good. As we are coming up to a
light it turns yellow and he is not slowing down…at all so I am thinking yes!
Let’s team work this and make it through this yellow light to keep going. I
totally thought we were on the same page. I was dead wrong and actually almost
dead by the time I realized it. He hits his brakes at the last second and I hit
mine but mine are not new…at all. My tires literally did the squealing,
smoking, skidding thing that you always see in movies and still even with my
foot pushed all the way down I was not slowing down nearly enough. The only
thing I could think of was ‘I am going to smash into this car.’ I am ashamed to
say that Jesus was not the first thing I screamed. I will actually not repeat
for all of my polite company what I screamed. Lets just say that afterwards I
was thinking ‘yeah girl you better get prayed up cause you cant even testify
that you called on the name of Jesus and he saved you, you cant even repeat
what you just said within a ten mile radius of the church.’ I am not proud at
all but hey! I was protected anyway cause here I am still alive and not in a
neck brace. Somehow and I am not sure why but that stupid green Honda kinda
moved up just as I was coming up to it. Obviously as my foot was smashing the
brake down and I was screaming obscenities I was still slowing down and coming
to a stop, I just knew that stop wouldn’t quite happen before my car and his
car got all intimate. I would like to blame my car for this one, it sees Hondas
and wants to be all close to them just because it was used to being in close
proximity with my husbands car (also a Honda). I guess my car is all lonely and likes the look of Hondas cause it was going at that one like they were
besties that needed to hug. Uggh! My hussy of a car is gonna have to learn that
we cant chase all boys in Hondas and force ourselves on them. I guess this was
a lesson learned for both of us ;) Well like I said somehow that Honda moved up
a little bit. I am not sure if it was cause the guy heard my tires squealing
or, if he kinda let up on the brake and just moved that few inches or, if he
saw my wild crazy eyes in his rear view mirror. I guess I don’t care what the
reason was I am just thankful because that saved me from injury, insurance
problems, rental cars, telling my dad…all of those things that I hate dealing
with. Well the light turns green and I realize that I am shaking so bad I can
barely get my foot off of the brake enough to start going again. The music is still blasting but I realize that my phone had flown forward and hit me in the
ankle and my hands are shaking and I am just like OMG go back home. I did not
go back home. I pulled myself together and gave my car the worth the wait talk
(you know its worth to wait at a red light rather than run a yellow light hehe)
and continued on to my cousins house. Well I got there and it was smooth
sailing. I had a good time and some yummy, healthy food, and we walked, and I
got to see two super cute babies and it was just a nice night. I was over my
near accident and thinking going home would be easy peesy. I knew where I was,
knew how to get home and I figured less traffic would mean less hazard. Why am
I always so wrong about everything??? I am heading home and realize I missed my
ramp onto 590 and I am still driving on 490, no biggie I got this. I can
continue on 490 to get to 390 and still get home. Yeah well maybe my music was
blaring and maybe my window was down and maybe I was lost in my thoughts but
whatever it was I got distracted again. I was not over far enough and as I
realized the lane I am in is going towards some exit for downtown and not
continuing on 490 it was too late and I was in the heart of downtown…in the
dark. I can’t see that good in the dark but I was not worried yet. I know
downtown a little and I figured I can get to a familiar place and still get
home. Plus they are taping spider-man downtown! I thought maybe I would see something fun and so instead of scared I was pretty excited. I should not have been excited. I did not see anything remotely spider-man movie making. Nothing really seems super familiar to me in the dark and the people
walking around downtown at night kinda blend in with the darkness if you know
what I mean. I am driving slowly to try and see where I am and also so I don’t
have vehicular manslaughter on my record. Then I realize I am driving slowly
downtown with my music loud and my window down and my door unlocked, alone. I
was not panicked yet, I mean I grew up in the city I can rock this better than
any super girly white chick I know! Yeah, not so much. I could not seem to find
a familiar place at all and so like any smart person I decided to just keep
going straight. I headed out of the downtown area and into the city and I
started getting a little nervous. I mean I totally knew that I could have
pulled over and turned around at any point but that felt scary. I didn’t want
to pull over anywhere! So I just kept going and I was looking at all the street
signs hoping to God that my memory would be triggered and I would be like oh ok
I can get home from here. Well the first
street
4.30.2013
I was, I am, I will be
Last night I was so home sick. It hit
me out of no where as I was lying in bed. My day was good, really good in fact
and I was all motivated and ready to go. I am getting myself psyched to lose
weight (More on that in a bit) and I was feeling so good and positive about
getting healthy and happy. I spent some time walking in a nature park and it
was beautiful and nice and I felt good. I cleaned up my house a little bit and
went tanning and painted my nails and just did stuff that was “me stuff”. I
love doing things that make me feel well groomed and fresh. I took a nice
shower and just relaxed after watching my favorite shows. I even got into bed
thinking wow I should sleep good! No, not at all, suddenly this overwhelming,
suffocating feeling came out of the blue. I have no idea what triggered this
because like I said…it was a good day. For the first time in months I felt like
I needed to go home and by home I mean the apartment my husband and I shared
for almost two years. The funny thing was that I didn't want to go there
thinking that maybe he would be there and for the first few minutes last night
it really didn't have anything to do with him, I just wanted to be where my
home was. I know that where I live now is a good situation, it’s a safe place
and I still believe that. I still remember that there were a good two months in
my apartment where things were not good and I didn't feel super happy or
comfortable with what was happening. I didn't forget all of that last night but
I did want to go home to my bed and my couches and my things all around me. I miss
having my place and knowing that its mine and that it looks good because I put
the effort into it. I loved coming home and taking acre of my things and
knowing exactly where stuff was. I loved that it was a home that started from
scratch and I made it my own, or rather our own. I guess a lot of it was home
because he was there and we made it together. Last night I didn't even care if
he was there or not I just wanted to be there and I was lying in a bed that’s not
really mine, in a room that’s not really mine, in a house that’s not mine at
all. I know I can feel at home and do as I please and I love that and most days
I can ignore the fact that I had a whole other life where I was on my own and I
had my own things but last night I cried. I didn't even try to stop myself from
letting the tears fall. I had no idea where the feeling came from and I didn't have
time to prepare myself for the tears so I just cried. I thought about all the
good things I have now and how blessed I am yet I still cried. I tried to tell
myself how negative it would be to be back in the home that we had built
together all alone and still I cried. I tried to remind myself that when I was
there alone for that month that I would lay in my room and listen for Mark’s
car to see if maybe he was coming back and that without thinking I would
probably do that again. So then with all of those thoughts in my head I cried
harder and I was like wow…time to stop. There is no way I can go back home,
that place will never ever be home again. We made sure of that with an eviction
and even if we hadn't that place could never be a home for me again. There would
be too much, I mean I am moving forward with my life and what am I supposed to
do? Should I go back to that exact apartment and take the furniture I have and
try to set it up in the same exact way as before? Should I pretend that life isn’t
100% different now and that I can go back to what it was? I mean I can never go
back to that and it made me so sad. I miss being the lady of my home. I miss
being a wife in every way and not just in the legal sense and for a little
while last night I wanted to go back to the place where I felt like I mattered.
I finally fell asleep last night and I when I woke up this morning I felt
better and not so devastated. Like I said I am not sure where it all came from
last night but I think sometimes I will have relapses and I am not going to let
it hurt me or get to me. I will just deal with it in that moment and move on.
I am
currently on my four billionth attempt to lose weight. I have started this and
not followed through time and time again but now I really wanna get this done
and I have some goals in sight. I have done this before and lost some weight
and toned up and that is all well and good but the last time I did this was
like a year ago and I didn't lose enough to make what I have gained in the past
six months ok at all. Most people in crisis mode lose weight…not me. I think my
friends were all so worried that I would stop eating that they over compensated
and took me out for more food than one human could possibly need. I was
constantly being asked if I was eating so I slammed pizza and garbage plates
and ice cream like a champ to prove that I was just fine. Call it part of my
faking it until I make it scheme however; I faked it so good that I gained a
good 20 pounds and I am disgusted. I am dropping these twenty plus another ten
at least and then I will see how it feels. On top of losing the weight I want
to tone. I want to be able to rock a bikini…at a mall…in December and have
people thinking “WOW.” Haha I know that seems ludicrous but I don’t care that
is my goal. I will never be a tiny, skinny girl because I am not built like
that but I can be a pretty, and fit girl. I can be healthier and put away some
of the sugar. That is what I want to do and since I have nothing holding me
back except my own discipline issues, I am going to drop some weight. I have
already started by being more active this week and although today would be my
first full day of eating better consciously I already feel like its all gonna
be ok. I refuse to cut anything in particular out of my diet as far as sugars,
carbs, and sodium but I can cut down on all of that in a huge way and up my
intake of irons and proteins and vitamins. The biggest challenge for me is
going to be mental. I know the minute I have a bad day and that cake is sitting
there I am going to want to eat it, no not a slice, yes the whole thing. My
first step will be to get an temptations out of my house so that way if I do
have some candy or cake it will only be when I am out and as a special treat. I
know I can do this and I do not need anyone else cheering me on because I am the
only who sees me naked right now. So I do have some goals and I want to
accomplish them
I will be
ok. Every day I am getting better and better and even when things happen that
should set me back I am so far from where I was that I can handle them way
better. I am able to love simple things again and find the silliest things
amusing or funny. For instance…teddy grahams. Has anyone else ever realized
that these delicious little cookies have belly buttons??? That’s freaking
adorable and I love it. I will be writing more light hearted posts. It is
summer and it feels like a fresh start and I am ready to be funny again. I am
sure I have had and will have many adventures to write about and you know me, a
trip to Wegmans can be an adventure ;)
4.22.2013
Break My Heart
Having
your heart broken has always been looked at like a bad thing, a horrible thing,
something you should run from. Coming from a girl who has had her heart broken
over and over again I want to put heart break in a more positive light. Imagine
that you are in a marriage, a friendship, dating someone, have a child, really
any kind of relationship and that the person you are in the relationship with
does something that can hurt you. If your heart did not break then it is safe
to say that you did not even love that person. What kind of relationship would
that be if you did not give your everything and someone could walk away or do
something hurtful and you would just feel normal. It would be a disaster. It would
be a sham of a relationship, something fake and something you were probably
better off never being involved in. Now because I doubt anyone is really in
this category no matter how much you fake it, take a look at the times that
your heart has been truly broken. Is your heart broken because you are worried
for you? Is the pain you feel all for yourself? Does it get hard for you to
breathe because you think that somehow now your life is over? No, no matter how
much it does hurt you and how much your life will be changed you are not as sad
for you as you are for the person that broke your heart. If your heart is not
involved then it cannot be broken however if your heart is involved then it’s
not involved to better yourself. What I have learned is that having a broken
heart means that you have experienced love that will never fail. It means that
the person you love so much is living below the standard of what you know they
can live. It means that you care about them so much and want so much more for
them and when you watch them hurt themselves it breaks your heart. When your heart
breaks it breaks for someone else not for you. Think about it this way, you
loved them so much and believed in them so much and that is never wrong. We all
want someone who believes in us and believes that we can be everything we
should be and I am certain that at one point we have all fallen short of that
and hurt someone, maybe even broken their heart, but if we could break their
heart and if they could keep believing that we are so much more than what we
have allowed ourselves to live in then it would give us the strength and the
courage to become everything we should be. If we did not break hearts or if
people did not break our hearts then that would mean there was no belief that
we could have been better or there would be no hope that the person who hurt us
could be what they were made to be and that would be a sad life to live. I may
be reiterating here however the point I am trying to make is that when someone
breaks your heart and does something that hurts you because you know it’s hurting
them then there is so much hope. They have a future! They have a chance to be
everything that God wants them to be because at one time that person was
someone you believed in so much and that person had the potential to be your
hero or your greatest love. You still have that hope for them and that’s what
they need, that’s what we need. God believes every single day that when we wake
up we are going to make the right decisions and live the way he intended us to
live. I have said it in my blog before, if he believes that I want to believe
what he believes about people. I would rather have someone break my heart for
the rest of my life and know that because they could break my heart that I believed
in them and that they had a chance every day to wake up and do what is right. I
would say break my heart over and over and let me take it. God is on my side
and I will never be defeated. People are not trying to hurt me and when they do
it is because I love them so much and I want so much more for them. Please
break my heart so that you have a chance to come back or to start living the
right way. If you can break my heart then that means I will fight for you. It
means that you are worth something to me and everyone, absolutely everyone has
worth and value and should be fought for. Next time someone breaks your heart don’t
run and hide from that. Be willing to fight for them and pray for them so that
they have the chance to make it.
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