My week so far

                My week so far has been pretty good…depending on what your calculations are on. As far as my working out and eating good foods it was a fail…such a fail. I was not home and I was tired out and I have not worked out since Saturday and Sunday was mother’s day and then the second part of Monday and all day Tuesday and Wednesday I was at my mother in laws making less than healthy choices. I am back at it today and I am going to drink a lot of water and probably cut back on my calories for today to get myself back in the game. I will also do some of my workout when I get home. I know it’s going to be so much harder since I had nearly three days off and I feel like it ruined me. My week as far as other things goes like emotions and mental state of mind has been decent…not awesome and flying high but up until last night (more on that in a minute) I hadn’t cried or felt depressed all week. Also right now the girls at work are talking about ordering Chinese food for lunch and I feel like that’s not fair. I love Chinese food and I have not had it in so long but today I have to be good and Chinese is not a good and healthy choice. It is actually making me feel grumpy cause I could totally go for some delicious Chinese food…and instead I have freaking snow peas and grapes and nuts and that kind of stuff. I mean I am really wanting to lose the weight so no one is telling me I cannot order the Chinese food except myself, I am really mad at myself! LOL. So back to my week…I spent a good amount of the week with people. I am better when I am around people most of the time. I have a few moments where too many people are overwhelming but generally they are a helpful distraction. I spent pretty much from Saturday until last night with family every single night and it was good. I did come to the conclusion that baby sitting for days at a time is a sneak preview of stay at home motherhood and that right there is…exhausting! I was with my sister in law so its not like I was doing it alone at all and honestly she did a lot of the work but I tried to help her and be up at the same time as her and just make it more of a team thing and it really kicked my butt. Even with the two boys at school for a good part of the day it was like wow! Being at stay at home mom and homeschooling your kids must be insane and I give major props to all moms out there that stay home with your kids. I still want to do it with my future babies and no, it did not ruin me in the least, but it definitely gave me an appreciation for that kind of thing. There were parts of the week where I was like OMG I need a nap right now or I might die and then there were moments where it was the most fulfilling feeling to be caring for kids…even someone else’s. I mean they were my little brother in laws so of course I love them like family but if I felt all good making sure they were ok throughout the day then I can only imagine the feeling of protecting and loving your own child. Well yesterday when we were waiting for the parents to arrive so we could leave I kept thinking how happy I would be to get home. I wanted quite and sleep and a good nights sleep. I know my house has to be cleaned and although I knew it wouldn’t get done last night I just felt like being at home would be good. So finally the parents came back home and I bundled my sister in law and nephew into my car and realized…I was going home alone. My sister was so happy to get home so her son would sleep normally and eat on his schedule and all kinds of things, she was excited to get home to her husband and I completely get that. There would have been a time where that would have been me but not now. I pushed off my sudden feelings of distress as being over tired then I got my sister and nephew home and into the door of their apartment and I got back in my car and it felt eerily silent. The noise that had previously been a little obnoxious was all gone and it left me feeling lonely not relieved. I felt really crappy and discouraged and also tired so it didn’t help. I could not get myself all happy and there was nothing to look forward to and so I started feeling so sad. I wasn’t sobbing and my eyes were not all blurred with tears, no this was not a dramatic display of my overwrought emotions, but then all of the sudden a tear ran down my cheek. It was then that I was thinking ‘ok go home and lay down.’ As usual when I start feeling like this I end up relapsing into why I am so upset and it all comes down to one thing. I am not where I want to be. I envisioned my life completely different from where it ended up. I am not building a strong marriage and starting a family and when I go home I am not going home to take care of anyone and I am not even going to a home that’s really mine. This is really hard to swallow sometimes. It’s not everyday and it is better than it used to be but it still hurts and upsets me. Then, the thing is I do not get angry with my husband, I do not start blaming him and hating him, I start missing him and wishing our life was so different.  I start feeling like I want to talk to him and I want him to tell me its all going to work out and that things look so bad right now but that he is always gonna be there for me and that we will make it. That’s not reality at all and it’s not the way it is, not even a little bit but because he was my hero, my protector and my love I still always think that maybe he can be the one that can make this all go away. Nope he is the one that made this all happen, this was his choice, his decision and so no, I don’t call him or text him or beg him to change. I got home and decided to rest and even though it was evening I figured a little nap wouldn’t hurt and I would end up feeling so much better. what actually happened was that I laid in my bed for 30 minutes feeling like life was too much. I cried a little and missed my husband a lot and then lamented the fact that I just can’t say that to anyone. Most people don’t understand how you miss someone that caused you so much pain. They try to pretend to understand but always follow it up with the famous line of “you’re better off now.” ok yes in some ways I am so they are right but they don’t get it and so I keep all of it to myself. I keep locked deep inside and it hurts sometimes more than it should. I let it get too far before I realize I have a remedy. I have a protector and a love that will never leave me. I have a God who can change things and make my life good and yet sometimes I sit there and just let the pain happen and the tears flow and I let myself feel how bad it hurts. I think that it may be sick but sometimes I feel like if I cant feel the pain anymore then I don’t care like I should and the love I have for him is dwindling…I don’t want the love to go away. I forget that I can love him and live my life without him. I forget that God wants my life to be full of love but not full of sorrow and that loving someone doesn’t mean mourning them. I forget that God cares about my husband too and that I can pray about it and talk to him and he listens and he cares. So yesterday with my face buried in the pillow so that I wouldn’t start screaming I realized I have to talk to God about it. So I did and I then I got off of my bed and I started some laundry. I felt better but I still felt lonely so I called my older sister and this is where I give her a shout out and tell you how awesome she is:

                My older sister Rachel moved 4,000+ miles away back in February and almost every week since then I have listed a new reason why I need her to come home. Just yesterday I asked her to come home because I needed someone to go on a walk with me. I miss her so much because I relied on her when I was at my lowest. Even if I was not with her physically she was always there for me and she would always drop whatever she was doing and come to me or take my call. We would go out to dinners and get food all of the time and have pedicures and all kinds of stuff. She has the three kids that stole my heart even though they may be demons. With her and her kids on my side there was never a dull moment. She is also my sister that has gone through more and some similar things to what I have been through and so she is the one that understands. She is the one that says things that a lot of times annoy me because she is blunt. She is point blank and she doesn’t always communicate it in the best way but she always says the truth and if she feels like she is wrong she has no problem retracting what she has said. She can make me so mad but can also calm me down like no one else. The biggest problem is that I am like her, maybe a more watered down version but we are definitely alike. She has always been there for me and supported me and losing her company has been horrorific. I miss her every single day and I still wish she lived here. Since she has been gone she has still been the best friend and sister. We text almost every single day all throughout the day and I talk to her on the phone pretty frequently. When I am losing my mind I go to her and she has learned how to talk me down and she never makes me feel stupid for why I am upset. She has been a supporter for me even when she is going through her own issues and she has put me first. I have a lot of supporters and so I don’t know if she is the biggest supporter because there are a few that have been supportive through everything but she is definitely my most vocal supporter. I love her and I miss her every single day and I am so happy that distance does not stop her from being my big sister. Last night she was there again and she just talked and told me funny stories about my niece and made my whole night much better♥

My Mommy

                My mommy, yup sometimes I still call her mommy, she is the reason I am who I am today. I do not even know where to begin saying how much I admire her and love her. When I was a kid I used to think she was the mean one or maybe just the one who did not put up with a whole lot. She is not a dramatic, crazy over the top girly girl and so unwarranted melt downs and fits were not permitted or even acknowledged. If we wanted something or had to ball our eyes out my dad let us be the princesses. He would call us his little lambs and comfort us but probably sometimes to a fault. When I was younger I was a little tiny drama queen and I cried about everything. My mom was so patient with me and helped me and cared for me but she never let me be ridiculous. I was afraid of ants and flies…no lie. I remember clearly that a fly landed on my sandwich once at a picnic and I lost my mind. My mom just brushed it off and told me I was fine. I would say that the intense emotions and passion I have come more from my dad but I know that the strength I have comes from my mother. She is beautiful; strangers tell me how beautiful she is. She was and still is a stay at home mom and yet she never let herself go. She got up every single day and exercised and showered and got dressed and made breakfast. She was never ever lazy. She would do our school with us and clean the house at the same time. she took us to the park, and the museum, and the zoo and all of those fun things. They say hind sight is 20/20 and I do believe that. What I may have thought was sometimes mean was just discipline. She gave me and my sisters and my brother our best chance at life. She instilled values that are still in my life. She was the one who would make us turn off inappropriate movies or who monitored what we read, she was the one that would make us change if our outfits were ridiculous and sometimes I looked at those things like they were suffocating but now I see that she was just making us a benefit to society not monsters. We learned to clean and do laundry and all kinds of things that we would need to know for our adult life. She knew everything about us, what we liked what made us happy and what broke our hearts and she took time to do things to make us happy. I also remember my mom shutting herself in her room and praying and speaking in tongues and that is something priceless. The one thing that she did for me was be an example of complete love and strength. I love the way I love because of how I watcher her love. I was the wife I was because of the wife she was. If I have kids I will be the mother I am because of the mother she was. Without watching her come through her brokenness and come out stronger and without watching her care for and love my dad no matter what the past year of my life would have killed me. I would not know how to love someone who hurts you and I would not know how to pray for people that disappoint you. I would not know how to get up every single day and live my life even when I wanted to give up. Without her I would be more afraid than I am, more insecure than I can be and a lot of other negative things. She is selfless and brave and she is the very definition of love. Because of her I am a real lady. Because of her our family is still together and because of her the world has five amazing humans, no make that six…this includes my dad. Sometimes I am afraid to tell her how scared or broken I really am because I don’t want her to know how disappointed I am in myself and the way my life has gone but its like she knows and she always obliterates those fears and lets me know how amazing I really am. She has never looked on me in judgment whether I am yelling about something that I just said I didn't care about or whether I am crying about something like the wrong kind of ice cream. Just the other day I was texting her and mentioned me losing weight and how I am working so hard for it. She did not tell me not to do that but she just said that some people would kill for my curves. She just wanted me to know that to her I am already beautiful and that other people see it too. That was better than a compliment from anyone else because it was from her heart. I know that she is proud of us even if she doesn't scream it from the roof tops because she shows it in the way she treats us. I have always loved her but I don’t think I have ever valued her like I do now. I have gone through some things that I have watched her go through and I can appreciate all that she did and all of the strength that she portrayed. I know she probably won’t read this blog but I can tell her these things in person or write her a letter. I just hope that the rest of the world can see this and will know what kind of mother I have. I hope that if anyone who knows me or her reads this, that they get a new appreciation for motherhood. If anyone reading this loves me at all and thinks that I am anything then I hope you realize that I am what I am because I had the best kind of mom in the world♥

What's going on in my head today...Yikes

                TGIF!! I am actually pretty psyched that I made it through another week without A) killing anyone and B) messing up my fitness plan ♥ I feel like I have been doing pretty good in those areas…mainly because I want to be pretty sexy and also because killing people is against the law ;) So starting this week I started to regain some of the anxiety that I thought I was finally over. This really has nothing to do with my husband or any of our marital issues (although I am sure that as a background does not help) and it has to do with me. I feel overwhelmed by all the things that I want to accomplish and on top of that there are other extra things happening. My brain works something like this… ‘I have to work out Saturday, but I told my younger sister we could hang out for a while, but I have to make my mom a cake…omg I have to go to the store. I have no money! My cell bill is due, I need to work out and eat less, I wonder how long I am gonna be with my mom on Sunday so I can also make time for my mother in law? I can’t breathe…I am panicking. I’m so tired and I just want to sleep in on Saturday but I have to work out and I won’t have time to make a cake and work out and hang out with my sister in the morning…’ yeah so that’s how it goes until I am usually hyperventilating and then I realize that’s only like four thing I have to accomplish and I can go to the store tonight and get my cards and cake mix and the cake doesn’t have to be baked in the morning and I don’t have to work out in the morning. You know what is important? Getting my butt up and praying because if I can just pray and talk to God and know that he is holding me then nothing else matters. I am pretty adept at rolling with the punches, I don’t like to live like that and it can be uncomfortable but honestly I have a big God and he has never left me and he will not. This is something that I have to remind myself of daily because I am my biggest problem. Mostly I make the problems for myself but panicking over things that are just not in my control. So once again today and probably not for the first time today I am taking a deep breath and letting it go and asking God for help.

                Secondly have you ever heard people say that they don’t want their funerals to be sad or depressing and that they want it to be a celebration of the life lived…anyone who comes to my funeral better be balling. If I die young or if the rapture doesn’t come before I live a full long life and I have to have a funeral y’all better be losing your minds with grief! LOL JK…kind of. I mean I don’t want anyone suicidal over it and I know that over time you will forget me but my funeral is the last day about me and I want people mourning the loss of someone so wonderful. My oldest sister actually knows certain specifics I have about my funeral if I die young so she has to be in charge of that. If I die when I am old I guess I don’t really even care. Honestly if I make it to at least 75 (I prefer 100) then I don’t care too much how people mourn. If I have kids and a surviving spouse then I want them to be upset but old people die…that’s the way it goes so mainly I want it to be devastating if I die young. I know this is a morbid topic but honestly sometimes I imagine myself being hit by a car as I walk out into a parking lot and I always imagine myself as a young woman when that happens. I just feel like if I were going to die young I want people at my funeral in black and the women wearing those hats with the netted veils and those finger-less lace gloves and strands of pearls and tears streaming down their faces and the men in suits with handkerchiefs. I guess I kind of imagine a dark and romantic funeral for myself haha. I am pretty sure I will be convicted about that at some point because for us death is nothing. We live forever…but I am not super dramatic and this would be one heck of a way to send me off. Ok lets be real…if any of you have ever seen the music video for the song “Helena” by My Chemical Romance (totally not recommending this, just saying if you know what I’m talking about then you get this) then that is kind of the look I am going for. I know my brain is a hot mess because yes I have thought about this and yes I have put waaay too much thought into this so, I will move on now.

                I was going to put something about my mom in this post but it feels weird doing that right after discussing my funeral so I am going to do a separate post about that. Today I am going to be thankful on purpose. Knowing what you have and realizing your blessings is the remedy for overcoming stress and fear. I can be worried for what I don’t have or what I am unsure of or I can be so thankful for what I do have and what I know is true. Today I am living thankfully!

Workout Horrors!

                Yesterday was my worst workout day so far!! I didn’t think I would write another post so soon but I seriously almost lost it yesterday working out and I feel like I need to let it out. I knew that the hardest part of this weight loss battle would be mental but I don’t think it helps that I am already pretty mentally unstable. My brain is on a whole other level! Yesterday marked the first full week of my new healthy eating and working out life and I felt good about it all day. I was so ready to just get into it and burn more calories and get myself toned and I thought I was going to be on fire…nope. The issue is that I was already having a mental battle because I knew I needed to clean and I knew that if I cleaned first I would not want to workout but if I worked out first then I would be too tired to really clean. As a responsible adult I feel like cleaning my house should be a priority and taking care of my home is part of growing up and I do feel better when my home is clean. I neglected it all weekend to the point where I had to still put the clean sheets on my bed but I still felt my obsessive behavior coming through and I just knew I had to go on my walk/ jog and exercise or I would feel like such a fail. I decided that I would workout right away and still get the important cleaning handled and that no matter what I would just push through it all. I drove to the park…and feeling like the champ I parked at the farthest end to give myself a little more walking time. I didn’t know then that I was going to hate myself for it later. I waked down the little path headed to the trail and it hit me immediately, I was tired and it was hot and I was going to do at least two miles whether I wanted to or not. I did not want to do it at all! I wanted to turn right around and go home and pretend that cleaning my toilet was a workout. I was seriously halfway through my first mile and I was huffing and puffing from walking and I was sweaty and maybe even crying a little bit. Pandora wouldn’t work and although I have some music on my phone it’s not my normal workout music. My legs hurt, I felt a little light headed and it was just horrible but I kept going and even pushed myself to do some jogging sprints. It didn’t feel good; it didn’t feel like an accomplishment it just felt like hell. With tears in my eyes and heavy breathing I started to go down that horrible path in my mind. I was thinking ‘I have been doing this for a week and there is no change! I am gonna be one of those people who tries so hard and gets no where. If there is a difference it is that one of my many rolls may be one tenth smaller than it was and that’s not enough for a week of killing myself. I want cake.’ Yes I was having a pity party and so once again I pushed myself to do some more jogging. I still didn’t feel good and I still felt tired and it still wanted to go hide from the world. I finished my first mile and went in for my second and once again halfway through that I was like “I’m done”! The biggest problem is at that point I have to walk back to my car, so I can finish out the trail or turn around but either way I’m getting that whole mile in LOL. I just decided to keep going but to keep my pace up I started being nasty to myself. I was pushing myself but the things I was thinking to push myself could probably make someone suicidal. So then I got myself all upset in a whole different way and I was just like wow! Could this possibly go any worse? I think the fact that mere walking with a little jogging mixed in was making me so exhausted really killed it. I was so out of shape that just walking was making me want to die. It hits home when you realize how far gone your body really is at 25 years old. It just felt like such a tragedy and I felt so miserable. I finished my second mile in a jog…still didn’t feel proud. I felt tired and sweaty and then I looked out at the parking lot and wanted to collapse. What had I been thinking parking on the opposite side of the parking lot? I mean the parking lot isn’t even that big and I was still in despair. I half walked half sobbed my way to the car and dropped into my seat. I took some deep breaths and realized that I did it. I didn’t do it the way I wanted to and I didn’t do it with all that fire and passion but I didn’t quit either. Finally at that point I started to feel a little bit better. My legs were shaking and I felt like I was going to pass out but I had made it. I got home and even managed to do another 30 minutes of toning which was also a huge deal for me. I spent like five minutes on the floor hating my tummy. I was literally like OMG what am I doing?? Why am I still so blubbery?! I didn’t even feel like I was doing my crunches correctly, everything just felt so wrong but I was like ya know what? I have come this far today and I will keep going. So I did! I got through my whole workout and cleaned my bathroom and made my bed and made dinner. I definitely did not feel like I rocked it yesterday. I do not feel like I was conquering my weight but I guess how I feel doesn’t matter because I did it anyways and on the scale this morning the number was down. I am hoping that with it physically getting easier it will also get easier mentally. Like one of my besties told me today, “you shouldn’t think so negatively or do that to yourself because then working out will always have that negative feeling. Start thinking about the positive end and the good things that will happen when you have met your goals.” I agree. I should not tell myself how ugly I am, that’s not true. I shouldn’t tell myself that anything that has happened in my life that I don’t like or that hurt me is a result of me not being super model skinny, that’s a horrid lie. I should look at the fact that I will be healthy and happy and make some guy really happy someday when he sees me naked ;-) Today I am going on a hike with my friend and so I will not be alone with my thoughts and I will be in a different area and see different scenery and I think that today is going to be better. I am still fairly certain that I will never be that girl that loves to workout. I am pretty sure I kinda hate it, but I am determined. 

Happy Monday!

                Ok so I made it through my first full weekend of being healthy and trying to get myself into shape. I would say that Sunday was my worst day because I didn't really get in any real exercise and also I didn't eat super good. I did not eat a ton of junk and I managed to get three meals in but they were not the best. I would not call it a fail but I am not really proud of myself. I did really well on Friday and Saturday so I guess I mostly won this weekend. Saturday I actually busted my butt and so I kinda felt like taking a break on Sunday was not horrible but I still want to eat so good even if I don’t work out. I do not wanna start slipping because that’s when I find myself sitting on the couch with a whole package of cookies and that my friends would be an epic FAIL!!

                        So in the course of one week: My boss gave me a scratch off which I won $5 on and then one of my other bosses bet us office girls that his agency would make so much money and if he lost we each got $50. Well he lost…so yay $50 bucks richer!! Then my boss bought us a place in the Kentucky Derby bet so I picked the horse…he didn't win us anything. Apparently the name “Will Take Charge” does not mean that the horse really will take charge, whatevs! Well all of this happened and on Thursday night I was sitting in church when it hit me…I had a scratch off ticket in my purse and a check for $50 that I won in a bet. I started getting a little twitchy like I am not a gambler and I didn't put my own money into anything but OMG. I usually keep my purse unzipped especially in church because it means easier access and less noise when I need a mint or hand lotion or chapstick. Also I keep my purse on the seat right next to me. I am usually sitting alone in church now and I don’t like people being super close to me. I like to have a seat in between me and someone else unless it’s my husband or sister or someone like that. So there I am in church with my purse next to me all wide opened and showing off my sinner money! Lol now I am not really sure that anyone was even looking at my purse or if the ticket and check were showing but wow! I zipped up that purse so fast I almost pinched my fingers doing it. I must say that on Friday when I was able to go grocery shopping for all of my healthy food and not have to use most of my paycheck I was rather pleased!

                        The last thing I have to say is that I am so impressed with the way God loves us and how even though he doesn't have to he proves it over and over again every single day! There was a small part of this past weekend where I started to feel a little sad and a lot empty. I know that I don’t have to wait until church to get what I need but at the same time I just wanted to be there. So Saturday night I was lying in bed and just thinking God if I can just go to sleep when I wake up I will be going to church and it will be all better. I was trying to pray about certain situations and I guess I was not just trying I was actually doing it but I felt pretty disconnected from it and so out of it. I know it’s my fault; I had been so occupied with other things that I had not been focused on praying. So yes I still prayed and I know that God still heard me, you have to push through the dumb feelings and just know that he is God and he loves you no matter what you feel like. Still as I prayed I also prayed that something would happen Sunday morning, that I wouldn't leave without refreshing and that I wouldn't leave the same. Sunday morning was awesome and it was just what I needed and what everyone needed but I felt like yes! God really loves us and he doesn't want us to walk around feeling empty. He wants us to be full and have the best life and even when it is our fault he wants to help us. I am so impressed with the love. It gives me the hope and faith that I need to wake up every day and be the best me that I can be.

Accidental Adventure

                So I promised adventures and fun and without even trying I found myself in a situation worthy to write about. It all starts off as fun and games and then out of no where I find myself in less desirable situations. Like any other great adventure this started with a normal day. I got up and went to work and had a super boring work day. I went home and did some ab workouts (My new fitness plan in action) and then got ready to go to my cousin’s house. As soon as I got into the car I put on some good music to keep me pumped and put on my sunglasses. I was feeling pretty good and ready to go. Well as I was driving down the road about three minutes from my house I ended up behind this car, an older green Honda civic. He had kinda pulled out in front of me and so I was pleasantly surprised when instead of pulling out and slowing down he kept the pace up and we were good. As we are coming up to a light it turns yellow and he is not slowing down…at all so I am thinking yes! Let’s team work this and make it through this yellow light to keep going. I totally thought we were on the same page. I was dead wrong and actually almost dead by the time I realized it. He hits his brakes at the last second and I hit mine but mine are not new…at all. My tires literally did the squealing, smoking, skidding thing that you always see in movies and still even with my foot pushed all the way down I was not slowing down nearly enough. The only thing I could think of was ‘I am going to smash into this car.’ I am ashamed to say that Jesus was not the first thing I screamed. I will actually not repeat for all of my polite company what I screamed. Lets just say that afterwards I was thinking ‘yeah girl you better get prayed up cause you cant even testify that you called on the name of Jesus and he saved you, you cant even repeat what you just said within a ten mile radius of the church.’ I am not proud at all but hey! I was protected anyway cause here I am still alive and not in a neck brace. Somehow and I am not sure why but that stupid green Honda kinda moved up just as I was coming up to it. Obviously as my foot was smashing the brake down and I was screaming obscenities I was still slowing down and coming to a stop, I just knew that stop wouldn’t quite happen before my car and his car got all intimate. I would like to blame my car for this one, it sees Hondas and wants to be all close to them just because it was used to being in close proximity with my husbands car (also a Honda). I guess my car is all lonely and likes the look of Hondas cause it was going at that one like they were besties that needed to hug. Uggh! My hussy of a car is gonna have to learn that we cant chase all boys in Hondas and force ourselves on them. I guess this was a lesson learned for both of us ;) Well like I said somehow that Honda moved up a little bit. I am not sure if it was cause the guy heard my tires squealing or, if he kinda let up on the brake and just moved that few inches or, if he saw my wild crazy eyes in his rear view mirror. I guess I don’t care what the reason was I am just thankful because that saved me from injury, insurance problems, rental cars, telling my dad…all of those things that I hate dealing with. Well the light turns green and I realize that I am shaking so bad I can barely get my foot off of the brake enough to start going again. The music is still blasting but I realize that my phone had flown forward and hit me in the ankle and my hands are shaking and I am just like OMG go back home. I did not go back home. I pulled myself together and gave my car the worth the wait talk (you know its worth to wait at a red light rather than run a yellow light hehe) and continued on to my cousins house. Well I got there and it was smooth sailing. I had a good time and some yummy, healthy food, and we walked, and I got to see two super cute babies and it was just a nice night. I was over my near accident and thinking going home would be easy peesy. I knew where I was, knew how to get home and I figured less traffic would mean less hazard. Why am I always so wrong about everything??? I am heading home and realize I missed my ramp onto 590 and I am still driving on 490, no biggie I got this. I can continue on 490 to get to 390 and still get home. Yeah well maybe my music was blaring and maybe my window was down and maybe I was lost in my thoughts but whatever it was I got distracted again. I was not over far enough and as I realized the lane I am in is going towards some exit for downtown and not continuing on 490 it was too late and I was in the heart of downtown…in the dark. I can’t see that good in the dark but I was not worried yet. I know downtown a little and I figured I can get to a familiar place and still get home. Plus they are taping spider-man downtown! I thought maybe I would see something fun and so instead of scared I was pretty excited. I should not have been excited. I did not see anything remotely spider-man movie making. Nothing really seems super familiar to me in the dark and the people walking around downtown at night kinda blend in with the darkness if you know what I mean. I am driving slowly to try and see where I am and also so I don’t have vehicular manslaughter on my record. Then I realize I am driving slowly downtown with my music loud and my window down and my door unlocked, alone. I was not panicked yet, I mean I grew up in the city I can rock this better than any super girly white chick I know! Yeah, not so much. I could not seem to find a familiar place at all and so like any smart person I decided to just keep going straight. I headed out of the downtown area and into the city and I started getting a little nervous. I mean I totally knew that I could have pulled over and turned around at any point but that felt scary. I didn’t want to pull over anywhere! So I just kept going and I was looking at all the street signs hoping to God that my memory would be triggered and I would be like oh ok I can get home from here. Well the first street sign that I saw that sparked my memory was AVE D. It didn’t spark my memory like ‘oh I know this place’ it was more like ‘oh God I have heard of this place and now I am going to be gang raped and die’!!! Now to be fair I am not sure how bad this neighborhood actually is, I have only heard people say the street name in a very negative tone. This is when I got petrified! I had no one to call, who am I going to call and say “hey so don’t worry cause im fine but how do I get home from Avenue D”? Everyone I know would have asked a million questions or have been shocked or wondered if I was losing my mind and even though I was a little scared (or a lot ) I had to get myself home. I turned my music waaay down, rolled up the window and locked the door. I hit that lock button like seven times so I was definitely locked in. I just kept going straight for a while and then the area started to look a little more familiar. Then I realized why and I was feeling a little nervous for a whole different reason. The things is I saw some sign for 104 and I was psyched and so I kept going that way but from the way I came I was definitely headed that way in the area where my husband had moved to. I did not see his house or even look for it and I don’t think I was on his street at any point but uh…I was definitely in that area. It was almost ten at night and I had no reason on earth to be in that neighborhood and I knew if he or anyone who knows me had seen my car driving through that area I would have some explaining to do! I mean I was already scared and trying to get home and now without even knowing it I could have become a stalker. Please believe I never ever do that. I hate the thought of driving by the house he moved into to get away from me. I am the opposite of a stalker in that regard. I purposely stay away from that whole area. The only reason I even know remotely where he lives is because one time I had to take him home and even then I tried to erase the sight of that from my brain. So at that point I sped. I freaking hit the gas and sped towards 104. I finally got there and got to ridge road and then I was golden. Sure I had gone an hour out of my way to get home but I was finally going home. After that the adventure pretty much ended. I got home and showered and collapsed into bed. When I woke up this morning I made a conscious decision to have a low key day. I am staying in my area and I will take a nice relaxing walk in a nature park and then go home and get ready for church. I have to keep the adventures at a minimum for a few days because neither my heart nor my car can handle that kind of excitement every single day. Adventure #1 was a success! I made it out alive and I am still pretty and that’s good enough for me ♥♥♥

I was, I am, I will be

                        Last night I was so home sick. It hit me out of no where as I was lying in bed. My day was good, really good in fact and I was all motivated and ready to go. I am getting myself psyched to lose weight (More on that in a bit) and I was feeling so good and positive about getting healthy and happy. I spent some time walking in a nature park and it was beautiful and nice and I felt good. I cleaned up my house a little bit and went tanning and painted my nails and just did stuff that was “me stuff”. I love doing things that make me feel well groomed and fresh. I took a nice shower and just relaxed after watching my favorite shows. I even got into bed thinking wow I should sleep good! No, not at all, suddenly this overwhelming, suffocating feeling came out of the blue. I have no idea what triggered this because like I said…it was a good day. For the first time in months I felt like I needed to go home and by home I mean the apartment my husband and I shared for almost two years. The funny thing was that I didn't want to go there thinking that maybe he would be there and for the first few minutes last night it really didn't have anything to do with him, I just wanted to be where my home was. I know that where I live now is a good situation, it’s a safe place and I still believe that. I still remember that there were a good two months in my apartment where things were not good and I didn't feel super happy or comfortable with what was happening. I didn't forget all of that last night but I did want to go home to my bed and my couches and my things all around me. I miss having my place and knowing that its mine and that it looks good because I put the effort into it. I loved coming home and taking acre of my things and knowing exactly where stuff was. I loved that it was a home that started from scratch and I made it my own, or rather our own. I guess a lot of it was home because he was there and we made it together. Last night I didn't even care if he was there or not I just wanted to be there and I was lying in a bed that’s not really mine, in a room that’s not really mine, in a house that’s not mine at all. I know I can feel at home and do as I please and I love that and most days I can ignore the fact that I had a whole other life where I was on my own and I had my own things but last night I cried. I didn't even try to stop myself from letting the tears fall. I had no idea where the feeling came from and I didn't have time to prepare myself for the tears so I just cried. I thought about all the good things I have now and how blessed I am yet I still cried. I tried to tell myself how negative it would be to be back in the home that we had built together all alone and still I cried. I tried to remind myself that when I was there alone for that month that I would lay in my room and listen for Mark’s car to see if maybe he was coming back and that without thinking I would probably do that again. So then with all of those thoughts in my head I cried harder and I was like wow…time to stop. There is no way I can go back home, that place will never ever be home again. We made sure of that with an eviction and even if we hadn't that place could never be a home for me again. There would be too much, I mean I am moving forward with my life and what am I supposed to do? Should I go back to that exact apartment and take the furniture I have and try to set it up in the same exact way as before? Should I pretend that life isn’t 100% different now and that I can go back to what it was? I mean I can never go back to that and it made me so sad. I miss being the lady of my home. I miss being a wife in every way and not just in the legal sense and for a little while last night I wanted to go back to the place where I felt like I mattered. I finally fell asleep last night and I when I woke up this morning I felt better and not so devastated. Like I said I am not sure where it all came from last night but I think sometimes I will have relapses and I am not going to let it hurt me or get to me. I will just deal with it in that moment and move on.

            I am currently on my four billionth attempt to lose weight. I have started this and not followed through time and time again but now I really wanna get this done and I have some goals in sight. I have done this before and lost some weight and toned up and that is all well and good but the last time I did this was like a year ago and I didn't lose enough to make what I have gained in the past six months ok at all. Most people in crisis mode lose weight…not me. I think my friends were all so worried that I would stop eating that they over compensated and took me out for more food than one human could possibly need. I was constantly being asked if I was eating so I slammed pizza and garbage plates and ice cream like a champ to prove that I was just fine. Call it part of my faking it until I make it scheme however; I faked it so good that I gained a good 20 pounds and I am disgusted. I am dropping these twenty plus another ten at least and then I will see how it feels. On top of losing the weight I want to tone. I want to be able to rock a bikini…at a mall…in December and have people thinking “WOW.” Haha I know that seems ludicrous but I don’t care that is my goal. I will never be a tiny, skinny girl because I am not built like that but I can be a pretty, and fit girl. I can be healthier and put away some of the sugar. That is what I want to do and since I have nothing holding me back except my own discipline issues, I am going to drop some weight. I have already started by being more active this week and although today would be my first full day of eating better consciously I already feel like its all gonna be ok. I refuse to cut anything in particular out of my diet as far as sugars, carbs, and sodium but I can cut down on all of that in a huge way and up my intake of irons and proteins and vitamins. The biggest challenge for me is going to be mental. I know the minute I have a bad day and that cake is sitting there I am going to want to eat it, no not a slice, yes the whole thing. My first step will be to get an temptations out of my house so that way if I do have some candy or cake it will only be when I am out and as a special treat. I know I can do this and I do not need anyone else cheering me on because I am the only who sees me naked right now. So I do have some goals and I want to accomplish them 

            I will be ok. Every day I am getting better and better and even when things happen that should set me back I am so far from where I was that I can handle them way better. I am able to love simple things again and find the silliest things amusing or funny. For instance…teddy grahams. Has anyone else ever realized that these delicious little cookies have belly buttons??? That’s freaking adorable and I love it. I will be writing more light hearted posts. It is summer and it feels like a fresh start and I am ready to be funny again. I am sure I have had and will have many adventures to write about and you know me, a trip to Wegmans can be an adventure ;)