Should I break? What am I fighting for?

The first thing on my mind is this: Very recently a situation came up in my life and for all of the things that I have been dealing with that I thought I never would, this is the only one I knew I would never be able to change. This is the one thing that I figured I would never be able to handle…and yet somehow I did. I shouldn't say somehow, I know exactly how I made it through. God. That is it that is the only answer I have for all of life’s issues and questions, God does it all and he does it perfectly. Through this situation I have had peace and I have been able to keep my head up and I definitely learned again that when I love someone no matter what kind of relationship it is, I will always fight for them. I was discussing some things with my older sister and she said to me “you’re wondering how long you can go before you break.” Immediately I brushed it off and I said I am not made to break I am made to fight, but what she said hit home with me. Am I really not made to break? I mean I would never call myself delicate or fragile but doesn't everything have a breaking point? I don’t know if what I said to her is true at all. Am I not made to break or am I too afraid of what will happen if I do break. I am afraid to break because there are already so many broken people in my life. I feel the need to be strong for them and to be there for them. I feel like if I do break then they do not have a fighting chance. If they cannot fight for themselves then who else is going to? I want to fight for them. I want to bust the gates of hell wide open and take these people out. For that reason alone I am afraid to fall completely apart or completely break down. I shouldn't be so afraid that I put up a shield that nothing can penetrate. I should be able to feel, no not live by the feelings but I should still be able to feel. I don’t ever want to become numb. There is nothing worse than being an empty shell with nothing left and sometimes you have to be broken open so that things can be changed. No, I do not think that I am made to break when things in life happen. I do not have to fall apart every time the wind blows but how far am I taking this before its too far? There is one way we are most definitely supposed to be broken and that is before God. Do I get to the point that I am so afraid to break that I don’t even let God in to fix what needs to be fixed? I don’t want to do that anymore. Because I want to be strong there will be times that it requires me being broken. Because I know that God is in control and my life is his then there will be times that I will have to be broken so that I can give him that complete control.

The second thing that I have been thinking about is this: What am I fighting for and I am fighting for the right things. There is something right now that I am fighting for and no, not punching people in the throats kind of fighting. I am fighting for my life and for other people’s lives and I am doing it by prayer and by living in truth. Through all of this I have thought am I crazy? Should I even be fighting at this point? What are people going to think when they find out? What should I prepare myself for in this long battle? I have so many unanswered questions about this and I do not want to make a mistake and battle for something not worth fighting for. I would say right now that I am fighting for people’s lives because I care more about them then maybe they care about themselves. People are always worth you fighting for. Standing by someone you care about is always going to be worth it. Loving someone is never wrong. There are wrong ways to go about it and there are things that change the dynamics of love but love is never wrong. Fighting to make sure other people have the best life and sacrificing your own comfort to stand by someone’s side is what love is all about. I completely understand that we have always looked at life where there is a certain point where you have to walk away and you have to take care of you and you have to respect yourself and I agree to a point. Like I said the dynamics of love can change and what sacrifices you make for someone can change but the love itself should never change. I disagree that true love for someone ever goes away, it never does. You may learn how to better represent that love depending on the nature of that particular relationship but no, it never goes away. What I am fighting for is right and how I choose to fight for it shouldn't be dependent on how others feel about it. No one is worthless, no one should be left behind, no one is unimportant, and no one should ever be rejected. Are you afraid to be used? Why? Why can’t someone use you if you love them? Why not be completely and utterly used to better someone else’s life? To show them what real love is? What do you have to do with your love that is better than that? Why do you have love or even life if you are not willing to give it all completely away? You cannot hoard love. You cannot save your own life? This is not a video game where the person with the most life left wins. Let it go, give yourself to something worth having. 

Unapologetic

       Today's post like many of my posts lately is on the subject of my husband. I write this knowing that this may be one of the last posts I write where he can just be my husband, not my ex husband. This evening I have something on my mind that I cannot get away from. This is something that has bothered me for quite a while. I am tired of feeling guilty for loving my husband. I have never loved anyone like I love him and at this point in time I cannot imagine loving someone else like I love him. I do not want my marriage to end and it breaks my heart every single day that this is the way it is going. I am sad that when we talk details it will be about our divorce and not about the plans for our future together. I am devastated that he no longer wants to be in my life. I miss him. I miss the way he would sing songs in the car and how he would do dorky dances and then look at me to make sure I saw him. I am hurt when I think about my future children and I can't say with 100% certainty that he will be their father. I do not think that this is wrong or that it is a bad thing. I think that this is right and it should be that way when you marry someone but somehow I am left feeling guilty for this. I should not have to apologize for the fact that I love him completely. I am sick that I lay awake so much of the time at night trying to convince myself that I am over him. I hate that when I have good dreams about him, I wake up sad. Why should I feel bad for loving the man that I committed my life to? People, without meaning to, make me feel guilty for caring about him. I get it, really I do because before I was in this situation I did the same thing to other people. I know that they do it out of love for me. I know that they don't want me hurting anymore, I know that they believe that I am so much more and that I deserve so much more and I am thankful for their belief in me. I appreciate that someone loves me and cares about me so much that it hurts them to see me hurt but let's face it, I have never been more hurt in my entire life. This is no where near being over. I lost the love of my life because of his choice. That makes me feel like crap. I know that people think it is time for me to put on my big girl pants and get this done. I know that they would have done this so differently and they do not understand what I do. People act like I should know what to do and just get it done. I want to scream at them "This is already happening! My marriage is ending. Isn't that enough for you? Am I not moving the divorce along fast enough for you? Have you stopped living your life waiting for me to make the next move on my life? On top of being broken hearted should I also be bitter and angry and mean to the man I love? Should I have a lawyer in my corner trying to get him for every penny he has"? I do not say these things because I know this is not really what they mean. Instead I see my list of people that I talk to openly getting smaller and smaller. I just get exhausted because I am already fighting this battle and I already know what he did to me. When I say something about him I do not need his list of sins brought up and along with that a lecture on what I should do about it. I should not have to apologize for the fact that when I planned my wedding I did not plan my divorce. When I was so busy picking out colors and wedding favors I didn't even stop to think what I would do if my husband ever walked out. When I was standing at the altar committing my life to him I meant forever and I did not have a backup plan for what would happen if the marriage ended. I refuse to be sorry for that. If you ever start to plan a wedding and you are planning the end of that marriage then do NOT get married. That is such a disgusting way to look at marriage. I no longer want to talk to someone and get the look when I say my husband's name. He is a real part of my life and he was a big part of my life and he has been for years. That is not going away anytime soon. If you hate him or feel angry at him then you do it all on your own, do not drag me down with you. I am living my life the way I feel is right and whatever happens in my future is ok. I am not there yet. I do not know what is going to happen. Once again, I make no promises to anyone about my plans for this. I cannot even make promises to myself, I break them every day. I will do what I need to do, but I will not give you time limits or say what it is exactly that needs to happen. I will no longer feel guilty for loving my husband. My love for him is what has given me the strength to get through what I have been through. My love for him is what keeps me fighting for him and being on his side even when he has rejected me. Divorce or not this man will always be worth fighting for to me. I will always want him to have a good life and I will always be on his team. That is what love is...it is not given because it is deserved, it is given as a gift from someone who is selfless. It is given in life as a necessity to keep living.

No God, not that Miracle!

Author’s Note: I had this entire post almost written out last night on my phone and then out of no where it completely erased. I think this was a good thing although I was super irritated in the moment.  I had written out something that I thought was awesome and it expressed how I was feeling exactly. The only problem was that last night I was feeling so sad, so lonely, and so exhausted. I cried the entire time that I was writing the post. I think that my emotion allows me to be a better writer however with what I wanted to blog about I need to get emotion out of the way and let truth be the foundation of this post. So today I am starting over, not to say that this subject will not cause some kind of emotion for me but today I can write with a clear mind.

             There was a time about eight or so months ago where I knew my relationship was failing and I did not want it to. I still do not and I never will but at that point I thought I still had a chance to fight for it. I thought we could get through a rough patch and be able to come out stronger. I thought that I could help that process by changing who I was and how I reacted to life. The kind of changing that took place was actually something that caused me to go with compromise over conviction. Slowly but steadily I allowed things into my home that I would have never thought I would be dealing with. I would not say that I was living in sin but I was definitely living with sin and it took a toll on me. I hated what I saw going on but I pretended that it was ok because I didn't want to fight and I didn't want to be looked at like a nag. The whole feeling in my home was just the feeling of a broken home. I still believed that something good could happen and something could be changed so I did the only thing I knew I could do. I prayed, I prayed for a miracle. I would pray constantly for a miracle to take place in my home, in my relationship, and in my life. At one point I was so tired of fighting alone and I had my best friend come over and pray in the apartment with me. We prayed against sin and we prayed for change to take my place and we prayed for God to protect me and not allow me to be affected by what was going on. We prayed that hearts and minds would be changed and we believed God to take care of the whole situation. I haven’t realized until recently that, that is exactly what God did. He took a broken situation and made a miracle happen. At the time of it happening I remember not acknowledging it as any kind of miracle. In fact I was more angry and scared than I ever have been before and I had the kind of anxiety that made me ill. The way I planned it out God would fix my relationship and bless my home and things would be all better. I expected it to take time and I didn't think that it would be an easy fix. Sometimes damage takes time to heal. That was my first mistake putting a limit or a time frame on God’s miracle. The day sin left my home for good so did my husband. He moved out and with that I no longer had to pretend like things were ok. I did not go home that night and feel any kind of instantaneous change. I did not go home and breathe a sigh of relief thinking that everything was finally ok. I went home and saw rooms missing parts of him and by default parts of me. I went home and decided that God had decided not to work any miracles in that area and that somehow I hadn't prayed enough or made it clear enough that what I wanted was everything to be fixed. I was so angry because I always believed and still do that God wanted my marriage to succeed, he never wanted it to fail so why hadn't he fixed it?! Why wasn't it ok? If you have read any of my other posts then you already know that I went through depression and fear and anxiety that would shut me down for days. I never saw the miracle. I never thanked him for what he had done because I felt like he hadn't done anything. To this day I believe that what God wanted and wants is for my marriage to have succeeded and been something awesome forever. I believe his will is for marriage to be sacred and that he would have made it better and beautiful but he also gives people the freedom of their own will. He wants us to serve him because we want to and not because he has forced us and with that freedom of our will comes the chance that some people will reject him and that some people will choose to live in a way that ruins them. Sometimes the decision you make in an instant will change the way things should have been forever. I am not saying there is no coming back to God and that he would ever reject someone. You can go to heaven having been a murder at one time because he changes you to be something holy and pure and when he does you are no longer a murderer. You can go to heaven after leaving your wife and getting a divorce or doing drugs, or tearing a family apart. God can save you from anything but honestly the decisions you made in sin can have lasting consequences on your body and your life on earth. I didn’t think that would be something that I would have to think about because my miracle should have taken place and I should have what I wanted. I was angry and somehow placed the blame everywhere except where it belonged. When I was evicted out of my home that seemed to be confirmation that my life should just end. Where was my miracle?? I had no idea then that God was doing just what I had asked for. Life got better and I got over myself enough to see that I was ok and that everything was going to be ok and it took time but it happened. I would say that the real revelation of my miracle didn’t happen until this weekend. I was talking to my brother in law and we were talking about how when you are in the will of God and your letting him lead you then your whole life is a miracle. When you get up in the morning and spend all day not sinning you are living a miraculous life. I started to think about my own life and the past 6-9 months and how much I have changed. My first thought was that God took me out of a situation that was damaging me. He put me in a home where I am completely protected. He gave me peace and he gave me joy. He put me into a situation where now I can start getting out of debt and every single day of my life is not a struggle to stay on top. He gave me the miracle I asked for, a better life. I don’t know that the miracle of my relationship being mended will happen but I do know if not that then I will be in another relationship and I will have everything I wanted. I do know that lately God has been moving and changing lives and that everything is ok because everyone who wants to do right will get the chance to be saved and go to heaven and that includes people who have walked away. As I sat there thinking about miracle after miracle that has happened to me my first thought was “No God! Not that miracle.” I didn't want that miracle, but I do. I want every day of my life to be a miracle. Whatever has to happen for me to see that and live in that is what I want. I don’t want to put a limitation on God’s miracles. The minute I start telling him how the miracle needs to happen then I am limiting the miracle and it is no longer a miracle. I still tell God what I want everyday. He knows my heart and I cannot hide my heart’s desires from him. I am not going to try and hide what I want. In the bible it says you have not because you ask not and I believe that. I also believe that God loves me enough to not only give me everything I need but he also cares about what I want. My biggest desire is to be right and to live my life completely for him and he is performing miracles every day so that I can do that.  I know that what has already happened this far has been amazing and I know that what is continuing to happen will be even greater. 

Something's Changing

It is after 2am here in Rochester...I have been trying to fall asleep for an hour. I have a million thoughts running through my head. I have had a lot of conversations today with my brother in law that have changed me...again. I like to be changed, it's freeing to know we live that life. The good life. There is a song we sing in church. "Heaven on Earth" I love this song because it says: something's moving, something's changing, see his glory feels like heaven on earth. When you're moving and changing then you are living. Completely living. Being alive is the greatest miracle for me. I am alive to love with my arms wide open. The biggest thing is loving yourself. As I am sure I have posted in my other blogs you CANNOT and WILL NOT be able to truly love anyone else until you can love yourself. I firmly believe that and yet I fall short of that every single day. I put up protective walls around myself and just as quickly as I tear them down another one is in the process of rising. I do this out of self preservation. Like everyone in this world I have been hurt and broken by decisions that not only I but other people have made. Right before my sister left for Alaska we had a pretty revealing conversation and it made me realize that we build these walls up from a very young age. As children we have a self protecting nature. Our brains can blot out the most traumatic memories. Children in horrible situations tend to forget, at least for a time, a lot of what has happened to them. I have never studied this and I have limited knowledge in this kind of thing but I do have some personal experience. I have also heard of others people's similar situations. From a young age we learn to shut out what hurts us and forget the fear or the pain. Sonetimes the memories come back when we are older and we are left to deal with it when our brains and emotions have matured. This is the way we work, humans at their best! This is a great and horrible thing. I do not want walls built so high up that no one can get in. I want nothing standing in the way of me loving myself and everyone else. I am changing, I am learning to embrace the fact that people will disappoint you and hurt you but that they can forever be changed by your pure love for them. I am also learning that I love myself and I respect myself. I have had this attitude of "it would take a lot for some man to walk into my life and love me for all that I am and all of my scars". I would say that because it was what I thought and it was a wall of words. It was like oh if I say that ahead of time no one will be surprised and whoever decides to try and love me will be forewarned. What a line! What an attitude to have! The very idea of what I was saying, maybe to protect myself, was such a lie. Love is love...there are no levels of love. If someone loves me then they love me for all that I am. Love makes you a better person when you give it and when you receive it. I am changing...my attitude about myself is changing. I don't want to stunt someone else's growth by saying I love them and not being able to give myself completely away. I don't want to stunt my own growth by not believing the same truths about me. If I can believe it for you then I can believe it for me and vise versa. This life we live, what an amazing gift and this love we have, what an amazing power. The greatest power God has given us♥ I am so in love with the changing and the moving forward. I am so in love with the slight to severe discomfort that I get in the changing process because it means I am alive. I love to love because it means I am not just living but I am living in all the power in heaven and earth. With all of that power there is no limit to God can do.

The Most Harmful Words

I was talking to a friend recently and something about the whole conversation caught my attention. We were discussing how people have said negative things to her that have made her feel like less of a person and so I started to tell her what I thought about her and what I know about her and as I was trying to build her up and fix the damage that negative words had done I began to think about my own life. I have insecurities and fears and though some of them may be from years ago I feel like many of them have stemmed from my impending divorce and the thought of losing someone I loved more than anyone. Unlike my friend who has had negative things screamed at her, I was not in a relationship like that. For all the things he has done wrong my husband was not verbally negative towards me. He did not call me names, at least to my face and he did not say that he hated me. He did not tell me I was ugly or fat. Like most marriages things were said on both of our parts either in jest or in a moment of anger that were negative. I mean sure these things could have been life altering, your words usually are and I have many, many things that I said to him that I wish I would never have said. You can spend years building someone up and showing them how wonderful they really are and in just a minute you can tear all of that down. I am ashamed to admit that as much as I tried to make him feel wonderful I did a lot of tearing down as well. I probably did more than he did because I am somewhat quick when it comes to my temper and I can spew out the most unkind things in seconds. To his credit he was better at walking away. Still, from the time I knew he was leaving I became so fearful and unsure of myself. The thought came to me that it was not the words he did say to me, it was the words he left unspoken. I know words have the power to tear down or build up but even if you are not tearing someone down, what happens if you never build them up? If you never build someone up then they are left to their own imagination and we all know imaginations can suck! I think that most harmful words are the ones unspoken the ones that you should say and you never do. I get the whole "if you cant say anything nice then don't say anything at all" but seriously, lets look at this from a different angle. If someone is not saying something nice to you and just being silent then you are left to assume that they want to say something mean...duh instant insecurities. Do you mean to tell me that there is not one nice thing you could have said. How many times have you looked at someone and thought the most horrible things and then regretted it because even though you didn't say them you know what you thought about them and in the moment you really felt that but then you feel bad cause you know its not the truth. I know people get angry and no you should not scream at them and say horrible negative things that can make them think they are worthless forever. I understand that walking away works in many situations as long as when you calm down you come back and you tell that person how wonderful they really are and you work out whatever the issue was in a calm way. You should never just walk away from someone to save them from you negativity and then just move on like nothing happened. There should always be words and communication but it should be when you are ready to look at that person and see the good that God has made them with. When you walk away and leave them on their own and never use your words to be the good in their life then you may as well not exist in their life. You need to be a positive influence in someone's life. Everything you say to them should be out of love and out of care and f it is even if it sounds harsh you can follow it up with showing them you love them and reinforcing them. You would not regret looking at someone and saying something nice...not ever. No, I do not wish that my husband had screamed horrible negative obscenities at me just so that he had used his words. That would be a horrible thing but I do wish that when he thought I looked pretty he would have told me. I do wish that when he loved me he would have told me that more often. I wish that if he realized the effort I was making to be the best wife that he would have confirmed that with words. So what that you did not insult me? I needed to hear that you appreciated me. Instead I was left to my own imagination and in my imagination I was not good enough. I mean sure I know that is not true. I know that the issued were not mine but it would have been nice to have been built up enough before the wreckage hit. I want to implement this thinking into my life. It is so easy to be negative because sometimes it is perceived as hilarious and it can be so easy to walk away, but since I know the damage that both of those things can cause I want to try and always speak but speak love and truth into people's lives. I do not ever want to leave words unspoken that can change a person for the better. 

My Life Without You

I have been trying to decide how to write this and if I want to write this post for quite some time. I have started it and erased it and started it again and every time it was too hard. Tonight as I was driving alone to get to a home where I live alone I passed the place that we used to live together. For a minute it hurt to breathe...again. This is something that happens more frequently than I care to but admit. I try to take deep breaths and there is an actual pain. I never knew till recently that expression "hurts to breathe" was so literal. For a minute I did not feel like I was ok and memories from not long ago hit me in a way that I did not expect. It's not like you have been gone for years or even that many months but I always think I am getting better and then BAM out of nowhere there is a memory or someone says something and it's a huge setback. I admit that the setbacks are taking less and less time to recover from and depending on the depth of the setback I can sometimes push it so far inside of me that it barely affects me. This is me now: if the hurt is not too bad then I can ignore it enough to keep living. If the pain is especially bad I use my survival skills to live life until I can get home and hide. So I drove by our old home and our memories and I cried a little. I hate going to a home where I live alone and where I feel like there is no purpose. I loved being your wife and having a home and a husband to care for. I miss all of the stupid things that I thought I hated. I miss doing your laundry and not being home till after ten so we could have clean clothes for work. I miss coming home and having two days of dishes to do because I was too lazy to do it over the weekend. I miss making the huge bed and picking up your dirty socks off of your side of the bed. Those things annoyed me in the moment but honestly it gave me some purpose. I came home and had something to do and someone to do it for and now I come home and Im not sure what to even do. I feel lonely alot of the time, even when I am with other people. This is my new life. My life without you. Without you I am weirdly single. I don't have you and so I am alone but I have been made a wife and I will always have that mentality. I don't think like a single girl anymore and I do not think that I will ever again. When I love again I will need a husband not a boyfriend. I am not ever going to be that cutesy girl looking for a boy. This sounds funny but its still true when I say you made me a woman and there is no going back from that. Without you I am still a woman, I am just a woman without her better half. That's another new thing in my life without you; people say that I am better off without you. They are wrong. Who is ever better off without the person they gave their life to? I know I will be ok because every time my heart breaks again and I cry all night again, I still wake up in the morning with my heart beating. You didn't kill me, you didn't permanently break me down so yeah, I will be ok. The best thing would have been you being the man I know you are. The best thing would be you realizing who you are in truth and not acting on how you feel in the moment. I would be better off with the real you but since you have decided to live in a lie, I will be ok without you. My life without you is so different and every single day is something new that I have to figure out on my own. I know how to put windshield wiper fluid in my car now. I learned how to play euchre. I have become someone that I like better because I have learned how to be a strong person and how to live my life no matter what. You no longer make me feel like I am not enough because I know that I was not the issue and that I gave you the best of me. I realize that the issue is you and who you have decided to be. It doesn't make it easier to live in general but it makes it easier to be without you. So many things are so different without you. So many things I am figuring out all on my own. I sleep alone without being afraid...most of the time. Much like when we lived together but you weren't there at night I still turn on every light in the rooms that I could possibly have to walk in to. I remember when we first got married and I thought it was so weird to sleep with someone and then after a very short time I couldn't sleep without you. I always had to feel that you were near me no matter how annoyed you got that I was on your side of the bed. It was like in my heart I was always afraid to lose you and when I would say it out loud you would tell me that you weren't going anywhere and that whether it be hunting or the fishing trip or work that took you away, you would always come back. The day you walked out and left me crying on the bed that was all I could think about because that was the one promise I needed you to keep. In my life without you I cannot go to bed unless I am ready to sleep. When we first got married we would watch shows or movies and then go to bed and even if I was not tired I liked going to bed with you, knowing you were there. Then our lives changed and you started slipping away and you would not be home alot when I was going to bed. During that time I would go to bed early just so that I could sleep away the time until you would come home. When you would come home sometimes you wouldn't even acknowledge me but I felt better knowing that you came home. When you actually left and up to now I cannot go to bed until I can sleep through the night because waking up in the dark alone is like remembering all over again that you left. It has gotten better, now that I am used to this home. Alot of things have gotten better and honestly although I miss our home together, I don't think I could have stayed there alone for long with all of our memories. Before you actually left but after you told me you wanted to I would come home everyday and look for your stuff to make sure you hadn't left yet. I lived in a constant panic that one day I would come home and all of your stuff would be gone. Every single day I checked your closet and to see if your shoes were in the hallway and every day when they were still there I would be able to breathe a little easier knowing I had one more day to try and change your mind. In my new life without you I have gotten past all of that and now I do not have to come home and search my house for your stuff. It is hard to be without you but that back then was so much harder. In my life without you, I worry but I am not home waiting alone for you to come back. I still cry so many tears for you but not like I did in the beginning. I worry for you. My heart misses you so much even though my head tells me that I am ok. I miss so many things and all of the good is what I choose to remember. When I remember the end it is bad and it makes me hurt and angry and I am constantly reminding myself that the man who did that is not the man that I married. If I can keep that straight then I can forgive all of the pain that you caused. If I can keep in mind that you didn't do this to hurt me and that I was just affected by the harm you are doing to yourself then I can keep myself where I need to be. If I can remember that who you are in truth is a perfect man and a good man then I can pray for you the way I am supposed to. My life without you is so different, not all bad just different. So tonight as I passed by our memories and my heart broke again and I cried again I just kept driving onto my new home and my new life without you. A few miles beyond the hurt and the memories I looked at my life and I checked myself. I was not bleeding or broken physically, I was not dying. I am alive and I have a long time left to be alive and so I brushed my tears away and breathed a deep breath and thanked God that unlike you, I am really ok and there are times when I am really happy. I do not have it all figured out yet but I am learning to live my life without you.

Confessions of a Fake

Did you ever have one of those days where you are just pushing through because the only other option is that you just cease to exist? Today has been one of those days where on the surface it is smiles and calm because maybe if I keep at it I will even trick myself into being happy again. "Fake it till you make it" is actually something that tends to work... for a while. It can get you through a day at work or a gathering with friends and family and it helps keep you composed until you are home alone. I get that faking it is not always an acceptable way to go about things, believe me I am not saying it should become a life practice but it has its uses. When something drastic changes in your life and it is perceived as a bad thing people tend to go overboard on you. Encouraging you to death and helping until they hurt. Things they say and do are all because they love you and they know how wonderful you are and they want to prove it to you but, let's face it, it is exhausting and overwhelming a lot of the time. A crisis occurs and suddenly everyone else knows what is best for you and how you should run your life. They want to tell you “No! Don’t do that”, or “this is exactly what you should say/ do.” So this is one of those times when you fake it. Fake that you are ok most if not all of the time and fake that you are living life and loving it better than ever. Fake that you wake up every single day knowing how beautiful and amazing you are. Fake it so that all the well doers finally leave you alone. This works, I know that this works because this has been my life recently. Suddenly you are not on suicide watch every single day and you find that sometimes you don’t even have to fake it because you are learning by default what makes you really happy and you chase those things. Sometimes while perfecting the art of faking it you actually learn some things about yourself and you find things in life that put a genuine smile on your face. This is why I find that for me personally faking it just really means making it. I am doing what I have to do to survive and to be the person I really want to be and even when I don’t feel like it I try so hard to just focus on the positive and be a happy girl. I believe that it is true that the prettiest girl is a happy girl. I love being pretty, I want to be pretty all of the time and to achieve that I put time and effort into looking physically pretty and then I try to be happy. You make your own happiness; you are in charge of that and no one else. Many times you need a perspective adjustment to realize that you really are happy and you let all the negative fall away and you become so amazing.  On days like today you do not always feel happy because sometimes things just feel wrong and you hurt inside. Sometimes the ache is deeper than buying new clothes or eating chocolate, sometimes the ache is set so far inside and its then that you realize it doesn’t matter if you feel like you can fake it or not. You have to keep pushing on and you have to keep doing life. On days like today faking it means I didn’t leave work early and go home and crawl into bed wishing that I wouldn’t wake up ever again. Today faking it means I got up and I brushed my teeth and I went to work and I smiled but on the inside I just want to be alone and I want to be miserable. I know that’s the wrong attitude but I just want to be left alone in my misery. Maybe I want to cry my eyes out or just scream, maybe I want to sleep and not think at all, but I know that, that is not what I am doing. Today faking it means living life when I would rather not. I am just pushing through and I am doing it for myself and I am doing it well but I am ready to be done. I am ready to go home and take off the fake and just be nothing. I really will not have the chance to do this today and although that’s what I want, I know it’s not best and I know that not doing it is better. I know that I will go to sleep tonight happy to be away from the thoughts and hurts of today and that tomorrow I will wake up and be ready to take on the world again. Life will go on and I will be better again.