Another Day in My Life

            On Monday afternoon I got home from work and cleaned my bathroom and bedroom (these rooms were becoming hazardous) and then decided I would lay on my bed until I had to get up and get ready for church. Every time I leave work I feel exhausted and always think OK nap time! Well since I had been moving around right when I got home I actually managed to boost my energy and so when I finally got on my bed the desire to nap was gone. Sometimes I try and force myself to nap because I know that there will be a day when I really need one and I wont have the time and then I will regret all the days that I could have napped and didn't  The whole forcing thing was a fail! first I tried to get all cozy and wrapped up to make myself feel nice and calm and ready for sleep, instead I got hot and sweaty and irritated. Then I just sat there staring at the ceiling and willing myself to fall asleep, no good. That’s when I made a fat girl decision…get up and bake cookies! Yeah there was no get up and work out girl! By the way on a side note the whole working out and eating better thing has just been non existent in my life and I intend to walk tonight to get back into the groove and I also ate tuna on crackers (triscuits) for lunch. I wouldn't say I am back into it full throttle but I’m slowly climbing onto the healthy band wagon again. So, like I was saying it was not like ‘hey fatty lets go walk’ it was like ‘hey cutie go make some yummy cookies to keep on your curves’ LOL. I had this super simple recipe for Coffee Cake cookies and so I decided to that but the recipe called for a roll of pre-made sugar cookie dough, even I didn't have that on hand. I love to bake and I am good at it so I thought no biggy I will just make sugar cookie dough and do it that way and then the cookies will be even better! I found an easy sugar cookie dough recipe…thank you Google and went to the cupboard to get out all my ingredients. OK so not only did I not have the pre-made dough but I didn't have all of the ingredients I needed to make the dough and even worse I didn't really have any food. You would think that, that knowledge right there would have deterred my baking demons but no, instead of thinking ‘hey run to the store and get some real food and eat dinner.’ I thought ‘hey run to the store and get that roll of cookie dough’! Well I wasn't fully dressed and my hair was in a super messy (not in the cute way) bun and I just looked a mess. OK so I admit it, my lazy girl was just ruling my life that day and so I just decided that I would put a skirt on and a hoodie and some flip flops and the hair could stay as was because I was just gonna run into CVS and get the few things I needed. No one who goes there or works there would care and it was an in and out job. CVS let me down in a big way that night, CVS never lets me down! I stood there in the aisle contemplating my entire life as I realized they didn't have really anything that I needed. I wanted to complain to someone who would understand but my appearance stopped me from making eye contact with anyone to see if they would be able to relate. Yes, I wanted someone to relate to the lazy, messy cookie monster that I had become. I literally sulked my entire way out of CVS and decided I would go to Wegmans. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. I mean when I say I had on a hoodie and skirt and flip flops you can imagine a cute outfit and messy buns aren't always that bad but this was not “cute girl grunge” this was more like “don’t leave your house because people with think you’re a crystal meth user grunge.” this was not a night for making good decisions and luckily for me I had to go to church so I didn't make any decisions that would be life shaming. I did however feel like it was appropriate to go into Wegmans looking like trash. I mean some people do it...ya know flannel pajama pants and an over sized t-shirt, I am not kidding when I say I would have looked better in that than what I had on. I flip flopped my way into Wegmans, nearly killing myself because it had been raining and Old Navy’s flip flops are not safe when soaked! I nearly broke my ankle slipping around like five times from the parking lot to the life saving carpets in the entrance. OMG I was not even walking with Grace and Dignity. Such a mess!! I did a decent job of getting what I needed and getting to the checkout and that’s when I realized, some really cute guys work at Wegmans. Some really cute guys who work at Wegmans now know what I look like when I am not trying and that right there hurts me in the worst way. I get into line and look up and momentarily forget that I am Cinderella before the fairy God Mother and drug rehab and think Ooooh he is such a cutie. He wasn't even a cutie in the ‘I am 16 and this is my first job’ kind of way so there was no guilt when my heart started beating all irregularly. I was all smiley and sweet and then I take a step forward and my darn slippery flip flops quickly brought me back to reality. It was too late to back down now but wow, I must have looked like a fool. I am acting like I just spent hours getting cute and realistically he is probably thinking wow, I should be nice to her so she doesn't do anything weird. I am sure the “cute” smile on my face made me look like a crazed stalker. I walked out of Wegmans with a wisdom that I never needed so much and that is this…do NOT ever go into Wegmans without looking good. The workers there are cute, the customers there are cute, and you will see people you know almost every time. Take those five minutes to find a cute and comfy outfit, do something semi decent with your hair or better yet only go when you have already been somewhere that you needed to look cute for. I usually go after church so this is not an issue I generally have but now I am aware and I want to make all of you aware. There should be a book on Wegman’s awareness and the first topic should be how to dress when you visit Wegmans. I guess maybe this would be a good practice for life no matter where you go. I am not over the top and I don’t think heels are necessary or even appropriate for a park but there is a standard of decency that should be in all of us. I apparently need to practice this more than I thought. I do wonder, if my flip flops had the diamond studs on the straps would this have helped my case at all…?

Time Will Not Stop

                I have realized that if there is one thing in life that breaks my heart the most it is the realization that time does not stop and wait for people and even if we do, life continues and time keeps on moving. Why does this break my heart? Because sometimes I am afraid that people are waiting too long to do what they should have done long before and eventually your life ends and sometimes people never make it to the place where they are what they should be and should have been all along. It breaks my heart because people I care about so much are in the process of ruining their lives and at any second it can just end. How many wake up calls and failures does it take for people to realize that this is not a game? I don’t get angry, I get sad. I am worried for them and I want them to be all better. My heart doesn't break that you have made a mistake or that while ruining your life you have hurt other people that love you so much, it breaks my heart that someday your life may end and when it ends you will not have become better, you have not been all that you should be. I am not kidding when I say that I wish I could pause time and let all of my friends and family get to a good place and then continue with them, always moving forward and none of us moving backward. I love people, I love people a lot! I want everyone to be ok and not just ok but happy and having a really good life. Once I invest in you I never want to see you hurt or scared or alone and what hurts me most is that sometimes people let themselves do that over and over. It’s like I can see them drowning but they don’t want help and so you walk away but you never forget the feeling of watching them fail. You can walk away from someone and not look back, you can move on with your life and you will because like I said time continues but that doesn't mean that you forget the way it looked to watch them waste their life. I will never forget that. I will never forget what it is like. To walk away does not mean to forget, to walk away means to not keep looking in that direction. Time continues and your life flies by and one day you wake up and realize that over six months have passed and you are better and you are alive and then you remember that not everyone walked out of this better. Someone stayed behind. If you are anything like me then that’s when your heart breaks all over again. You don’t like to watch someone fail; you don’t like to remember that they are ruining so many good things for themselves and for other people. I just want time to stop until they can get their crap together. Time does not stop. I mean I guess if it did it would be a horrible feeling for you. You would be stuck in that place of pain and fear just waiting for someone else and that’s not a good way to live, but watching time move on and their life waste away doesn't always seem like a better option. I know what the right thing to do is; I know that making sure I am where I should be takes precedence over putting you’re my life on hold. I know that being happy and living life is important and so I do what I have to do to make sure that’s where I am, but there are times when I am thinking about someone I left behind and it breaks my heart. There are moments where I am really sad knowing that not everyone I love is ok. I know I am right and I know I am ok, but sometimes knowing that is just a reminder that not everyone is and that sucks. 

Make a Choice

                Peace you don’t understand, I always kind of wondered what that meant exactly and now I feel like I know a little better. Every time I get scared, or sad, or worry about something it tends cripple me. I find myself not wanting to get up or leave the house and I always sit there thinking OK you have to do this. You don’t have a choice, but I actually do. I made the choice, good life over a life with regrets. I made the choice to be happy and I made the choice to let God have control so that I really can have a happy life. I was talking with my sister recently and the conversation actually made me think, before I could respond to what she was saying I really had to think about what I believe, not what I have been told. We were talking about how God is in control of everything and yet he gave us free will, meaning we make choices on our own and he doesn't force us. He does not force us to do right or love him and he does not force other people to treat us the right way. God still has all the power and can do whatever he wants but he gave us the choice. He wants us to love him and give him control over our lives because we are not slaves; we are cherished as his children. People will still make decisions and mistakes that affect us, and even hurt us but that does not mean God is not in control. If you have given him control than he has all power in your life by your choice. He could force it, but I don’t think he would, Then its not about love, it’s about an unhealthy fear. In saying that I think that really loving God and having faith in him and having peace all go hand in hand. Now, peace you don’t understand…how can there be a peace that you don’t understand? I think it tends to happen when there is a situation you do not understand. When you are hurting and you don’t understand why, I mean for me the reason I don’t understand the hurt and the fear I have sometimes is because I am not sure how when I love God I can still fear. I should never have to be afraid, I should never have to be depressed and yet there are days when I really do. I have horrible feelings and I get anxiety and I know it’s not right and I know I need to pray and I don’t understand why I have it. I feel like I fail God every single time because I feel like if I love him and if I trust him then I shouldn't have to deal with the negative feelings. Well that’s when peace I don’t understand comes in. Peace in a situation where you don’t know why you are even in the situation. Peace when you should be going crazy and peace even when you feel like a fail as a human being. Its not that the bad feelings go away and stay away it’s the ability to get up and keep going because you know you don’t live by the feelings. It’s the assurance you have that you will always be ok. It’s the fact that you can just say “Jesus” and suddenly you have strength. It’s the fact that when I am alone I can still smile and say “Thank you for this day, thank you for my life.”

                People will tell me how strong I am and I always have this somewhat bitter thought…well I don’t have a choice but once again I do have a choice. I need to stop acting like I live my life because I have to; I live my life because I want to. I live my life because life is a gift. Life is not guaranteed, life is beautiful and it is always worth it to choose life. There were a few times this past weekend where strong was the last thing I wanted to be. Those scared and hurt feelings started and then I started feeling angry and I knew that it wasn't OK; I knew that I was wrong but it felt so serious. I wanted yell at people and hurt people back who have made me feel like I am less or that I wasn't good enough. I wanted to lash out at the person that I feel like took my happiness and took my dreams. I wanted to question them and demand answers and make them fix what they have done and then I remembered again, it’s not about me. It’s not about what I think has been done to me, I don’t want that life. I don’t want any part of that, I just want to love life and love people. I choose to be happy and I choose to be right. This is my decision and no one gets to make that choice for me. 

Just So You Know

Just so you know…

1. I think Batman is the best super hero and has the best movies. I mean think about it, he really doesn't have any super powers but he still kicks butt with all of his awesome gadgets. He has a lot of money and fame and although this is similar to Iron Man, what girl really likes a guy with a glowing chest?? Not me. Batman also has some of the coolest villains and his car…I love his car.
2. I was born and raised in home with two apostolic parents and grew up in the church knowing right from wrong and all about what we believe but it wasn't until the past couple of years that I can actually say that I really knew what was right or wrong for me. I can understand why growing up apostolic can almost be crippling because so many people never get their own walk.
3. I am in a much better mood when I go to bed at night than when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes the best part of my day is when I can get into bed and finally relax. The only downside is if I am not really tired because that’s when my brain is going crazy.
4. When I feel pretty I will take hundreds of pictures of myself and then only keep maybe two or three because I hate the rest.
5. When my husband first left I would sleep on his side of the bed because it made me feel more safe and OK.  Even though I don’t sleep in the same bed I still find myself gravitating toward that side of the bed because it’s a comfort thing for me.
6. I still have “sheepie” my blanket from when I was a baby and no, I do not sleep with it but I cannot bring myself to throw it out.
7. Sometimes when I am throwing a fit or being a brat I know exactly what I am doing and I still don’t make an effort to stop because sometimes I feel justified. It’s only later when I am thinking back that I really wish I had a better handle on that.
8. I can be pretty loud but I have learned by being around people like me, that loud and abrasive is not the way I want to be. I don’t think that fits in so well with being a lady and being classy and it even makes me uncomfortable when I am around women who are loud and obnoxious because I feel like it reflects badly on me.
9. I think its annoying when people are upset over the loss of animals whether it be a pet or not. I am not for animal cruelty in any way at all but animals and humans are NOT equal at all and it bothers me when people act like they are.
10. I love S’mores and s’more flavored things almost more than any other flavor because chocolate and Marshmallow are amazing. I probably gained most of my weight eating s’more pop tarts all of the time♥
11. I am not as excited to hang out with my friends if I know there is not going to be food involved. Even with eating healthier and losing weight I still like to eat when I socialize.
12.  I think being girly comes with the territory and I don’t think being girly means you need to be weak. It means that being strong doesn't mean that you need to look or act like a man and that liking pink hand guns is OK!  I think you should have the option to bedazzle everything and not get made fun of because a bedazzled pocket knife still has a blade 
13. I think that being a wife and/ or a mom is the most fulfilling kind of thing you can ever do as a woman.
14. I hate the idea of being fat or overweight but I cannot wait to have a baby bump and see how awesome it is to carry my baby and watch it grow before it is even born. If that is considered being overweight then I will take it!
15. The thought of living in the country or in a less populated area scares me more than the thought of living in the inner city.
16. Not all babies are cute and a lot of them are plain hideous but what matters more than their looks is their disposition. The ugliest baby can seem a lot cuter if they are happy babies.
17. If there is a mentally handicapped child/ young adult in a movie, no matter what the plot is, I will probably cry because I love them so much.
18. I do want to fall deeply in love with someone and have them love me back and be so happy in love but, I still can’t imagine falling in love again. I just hope that it does happen because it’s the best feeling in the world.
19. I love my younger sister and the scariest thought was that she looked up to me so much and watched everything I did because I feel like I have made so many mistakes. Every time I talk to her I try to make sure she know what was and wasn't OK.
20. Everyday when I wake up I want to try to be better than I was the day before in every single way.

You Will Judge Me Now...but read on!

For the past few days I have been having the most scandalous thought, which of course I just had to share. Let me just say a head of time that I know I am wrong and no, I would never do this but I have days where it seems like a simple solution to a complicated life. The thought is this: I see the benefit to having a “baby daddy.” A no strings attached sperm donor, someone to give me the beautiful babies that I want without having to take care of a grown adult too. See, I told you… scandalous! I am even scandalized at myself for having this thought and it makes me feel really evil and a lot trashy. Like I said I would never really want this in the end and, I would never even think to do this in real life, just in my head sometimes when I am planning my life I think yeah this is a good way to get what I want without getting what I don’t want. The thing is, even typing the words “baby daddy” made me cringe. I actually heard someone use that term in an interview and I was thinking ‘ok if this person gets hired then I am quitting’! It is such a trashy and ghetto term that people use to describe the father of their children and the worst part of it is that a lot of times this “baby daddy” is still their significant other. So I guess if you are trashy enough and have kids with this guy then the word boyfriend or fiancé doesn’t cut it. I mean I guess if you are not with the father then the term kind of works except for the fact that a) it is not a grammatically correct term and b) it is sooooo ghetto. I mean just be like “yes I am dropping Junior off with his father,” not “I am taking junior to my baby daddy.” Uggh see how much more class you can bring to a pretty classless situation by just changing the way you say it? I feel the same way about “baby mama” but as I am female, I don’t need one of those. For the sake of this post I used the term baby daddy at first as a humorous introduction, more to make fun of the situation then to actually describe what I want. This is why I feel like a lot of days I can see the benefit to the afore mentioned position. This is entirely my crazy feelings and in no way something I think people should actually go off of but here goes:

I have already been the wife who cared for a husband who had the idea that she would have a family and that it would be her and her husband starting that family. No one else mattered and no other plans were made for the “just in cases.” My marriage as it was and as it is right now has definitely matured me and has helped me to grow as a person and I feel like I am still at a point as far as maturity where becoming a mother is the next logical step. This dream however is temporarily (or not so temporarily) out of my reach. I am in no way ready to love someone like I loved my husband and if its not a love like that then I am not doing it. I know love grows and I know it can happen and that it probably will happen but I am just not there yet, believe me. I know myself. I sometimes put myself in that frame of mind where I am like ‘someday you’re going to have an awesome husband and beautiful babies and life is going to be everything you imagined it would be.’ It doesn’t make me happy or ready for the future yet. It doesn’t make me want to start planning a second wedding or start dating some guy. It doesn’t make me feel comforted, it scares me and makes me panic! I have gone that route mentally and ended up in tears on my couch or in bed for hours. I do however think to myself quite often ‘I want a baby’ and no, it’s not ideal but I feel like I could do it alone if I have to. I would rather do that than go through a whole relationship again. Well obviously I cannot do “it” alone so I would need a guy for his uh…product LOL. I did the whole cleaning up after my husband and taking care of him and washing his underwear and that was all well and good because he was my love but I am NOT doing that for another guy just so I can have a baby that I also have to clean up after. I am not ready (I say ready and not that I am never because I know this will change when it needs to) to go through a relationship where I date someone and get engaged and deal with a wedding. That is some stressful and not always fun business and doing it once was so cool but doing it again seems exhausting! I am not ready to learn to live with someone and their habits and have them learn to love me for all of my faults. I would still at this time be constantly comparing him and our life to the life I had before and that is not fair to him or to me. So yes I want a beautiful baby, I have names picked out and bedroom themes and cute clothes that they will wear. I even have a baby bib so that my baby can fully rep the football team that I follow, this is the football team I became a fan of because of my current husband. That’s not gonna work in a new relationship and let me tell you something that bib was not cheap and needs to be used! So yeah the solution to all of this is a “baby daddy.” Of course he would have to be amazing looking, I do have standards for what I want my babies to look like haha. Like I said at the start this would never happen in real life and even in my head it is scandalous but now you see my point…sometimes this seems like a brilliant plan! Double points if he has money and can make you a stay at home mom ;) I will say that I have considered my other options and there was adoption. This one is a NO right away. It is so costly and time consuming that I could get remarried and have my own kids with that kind of money and time. The second option was kidnapping and although it is free, it is also frowned upon in polite society ;-P

I am pretty certain that if you follow this blog and you don’t judge me yet, you do now! You don’t have to keep reading if you don’t want to but I promise not all of my posts are going to be so anti- everything I believe. This post was just a little description of what happens in my brain at times when I get really bad baby fever. To keep things kosher for all you crazies reading this blog I will state rather firmly that the only way I will start a family is the way God intended it to be. I will have a husband and my kiddos will have both of their parents in one household and be raised to know and revere the sanctity of marriage and family. As far off as it seems at times I would never want to screw up a child’s life and stability by doing this any other way. I was raised in home with two great parents who loved each other very much and that has been my rock no matter what I go through in my own life. I know what a good family looks like and that’s the only way my future family will happen. For now I will be content with all of my nieces and nephews and loving on them♥

New Motivations

       Last week was overall not my best week for working out and eating great and although by Thursday I was getting back in the game, I did not really love it anymore and I felt FAT! I tell ya, a girl takes like two days off from her routine and her whole life just ends. For a few days I even thought that since I am going to be fat anyways I should just keep eating like the human garbage can…luckily I didn’t follow through with that thought and I continued to make healthier (not always fully healthy but definitely healthier) choices. I mean I got frozen yogurt instead of ice cream but I did that both Friday and Saturday. I was intent that I would just eat better and healthier and not necessarily worry about the calorie count as long as I was getting nutrition…this worked up until yesterday. Yesterday I decided that I had to do more! I had to get myself actually losing the weight and not just maintaining…I really love food guys! I am not kidding knowing that I am eating healthier and now cutting back on calories actually makes me sad. I feel a little depressed and I know that mentally this is gonna be even worse. It’s a bikini or brownies and I want to choose the brownies, at least I tell myself I do until I get naked that night and then I want to throw up the brownies. Even Sunday night I was battling and I didn’t eat consistently enough so by nine at night I was sitting in my friend’s living room…starving! When I left there about quarter to ten I was driving home telling myself that this is not worth it. I need to eat to be happy and nice to people and I need to eat whatever I want in the moment and so I admit I failed Sunday night. It was a huge fail! Like a McDonald’s sized fail. So not only did I eat McDonalds but I got the soda and fries with it and I ate it at like 10:00pm!! Oh my goodness I did not even feel too bad about it, I was feeling so tired and hungry and like my working out wasn’t making a difference anyway. I was hoping that my motivation to be sexy and healthy would come back but I figured if it didn’t I would just be a fat girl. I am not even kidding when I say that I started to imagine my life as more of a plus sized girl and how I would have to find a guy who liked chubby girls. The thought didn’t even make me shudder…until Monday morning. I woke up and I somehow felt like my motivation was back! I had my lunch packed and ready to go and it was a lot of smaller, healthier snacks. I was so psyched! Then I remembered my relapse from the night before and I was like uggh! NOOO!!! So it was then I decided that I needed even more discipline and a little more critical motivation in the right direction. I downloaded My Fitness Pal…for like the 10^th time. Every time that I decide to lose weight I download this thing and it demotivates (not even a word but it describes what I mean in the best way) me. It sucks the motivation and happiness right out of my life and people swear by this thing and it makes me sick. It counts every single tiny little calorie you put into your body and the minute you go over you feel like you have disappointed the whole world. It makes you feel like the fattest fatty in the world and follows that up by a summary of your day. Seriously it says ‘if you eat like this everyday then you will be X amount of pounds by whatever date. Now this is meant to encourage you but when it tells you that by the way you are eating and how much you exercise you will lose 5 pounds in two months it actually does the opposite. It encourages you to commit suicide and makes you feel psychologically that you should not only kill yourself but that you should order a plus sized coffin. I am not even sure that “plus sized coffins” are a thing but it cant be one size fits all. I watched a documentary on a 900 pound woman that dies while having surgery to lose weight. She definitely didn’t go in a standard coffin. So yeah, I am not a fan. Well I am also not a fan of being fat and someday really having to be buried in a plus sized coffin so I downloaded it again. I watched that little app load and I felt a deep loathing but also a lot of fear. This thing makes a liar out of me…I want to lie to it so that it tell me I’ll be smaller a lot faster. I want to pretend I did not eat everything I ate and I don’t want to add in calories for condiments, it’s not fair to count something like that. There is only one way to use that stupid, somewhat helpful, mostly depressing app, and that is the right way. I realize that’s its whole intent and purpose is to help you realize what you are eating and what you are burning and to get that at least well balanced so you are not consuming more calories than you can manage to burn off. I am going to stick to this little plan and help myself really lose weight. Yeah, I wanna be healthy but I also have a goal weight and I need to tweak my lifestyle just a little bit more so that I can get there. Yesterday was good and today has been good as well. Last night I did a 3.5 mile power walk and I would like to do another 2-3 again tonight. I would say jog but that is a lie. Jogging hurts my legs (lower legs) in a way that I am pretty sure is not a healthy burn and more of a you’re not wearing the right shoes kind of way, or a you’re too fat for your legs to hold you up kind of way. LOL either way it’s a sucky feeling but I will tell you that after last night in the park I am more willing to go buy good shoes and do what I need to do to at least be a decent jogger. Two things happened that left me in awe and wonder and it all started off like this:

        Last weekend or actually the one before that on Friday it rained on and off all day! I was so disappointed because I was still really motivated to get out and do my jogging and I could not do it in the park if it was pouring. Well when I left work there was a break in the rain and I was like ‘yeah! I am totally going right to the park and getting this jog in before it rains again.’ Big mistake! I should have known…I got to the park and no one else was there…there is always at least one other car in the parking lot and usually a few more people who are riding their bikes. There was no one at all. At first this actually made me happy because I hate feeling like I am working out around other people. I totally know that they are judging me and that they can see my stuff jiggle all over and it makes me so uncomfortable. Well I started strong and was coming around to the side of the trail with the pond and my luck changed. I had my headphones in and I was just truckin’ along and suddenly I passed the geese. I am not one of those people who are afraid of geese but as I walked by them I heard a horrible hissing sound, mind you this was over the sound of my loud music blaring right into my ears. Apparently my being the only human in the park made that goose uncomfortable and she was freaking out! I say “she” because she was surrounded by cute fuzzy baby geese and she was in protective mother mode. I didn’t want to run and startle her into an attack but I also didn’t want to just stroll past and give her the chance to come at me. I just started saying “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” as I walked by and hoped that what they say about us having dominion over the animals was true. I got away from the geese and right there decided that round two was not going to be anywhere near the pond. I would stick to the more wooded area and just do that part twice. So I was almost to the safe wooded area when it started to rain. Yeah, the rest of the world knew not to go to the park and I was all like ‘nope still doing it’! This is how much of my life goes. I figured I would keep going since in the woods the trees would be covering a lot of the area and the rain wouldn’t hit as hard. I felt really proud of myself for being so determined even though I now had two signs that I should go home. I was walking along and look up to realize that about three feet in front of me are two deer, females, and they are just staring at me. Obviously I was not paying good enough attention because I almost came right up on them. I figured that deer are gentle creatures and I could pass them without a problem. I walked towards them and the one deer took a step at me like a challenge!!! Oh My Goodness Gracious! I finally just decided to take a hint and turn around with my heart pounding and my legs shaking! So last night when I was heading to the park I kinda got nervous. The animals do not like me!! It was a beautiful night and I expected that there would be others there so I still went but I was a little apprehensive. Well let me tell you happily, last night went beautifully. Like I said I did my 3.5 miles and I felt great! I also saw two people jogging along side each other and actually having a conversation…that was my first awwww moment. I am not even jogging and I am breathing too heavily to even really say hi as I pass other people. I must say it did not make me feel like a fail and it was more inspiring. I want to get there! I want to be able to be seriously moving and be able to talk. Ok so second amazing thing, a man. Haha I am not even kidding. This guy ran past me and I was like ‘oh baby, baby’! yeah he was a runner and he was serious, like with the gear serious but he was so hot! Sweat on him didn’t look horrible it was that glistening, manly look. So yeah I spent the next mile or so thinking about him and purposely bouncing as I walked to get that cute pony tail bounce going in case he came up on me again. Well when I didn’t see him I figured he was done and gone and so I am standing at the end of this branch off trail kind of stalking because I noticed that it ended at an entrance to a neighborhood and that just amused me. I was standing there trying to figure out if it was a private community and someone came up behind me and startled me. Before I could realize it was my running lover, I screeched. I mean he scared me coming up like that out of nowhere. Well he was gracious and apologized and even touched my arm apologetically. I was in my element! So yes last night was a super awesome experience. I will keep moving forward ☺

My week so far

                My week so far has been pretty good…depending on what your calculations are on. As far as my working out and eating good foods it was a fail…such a fail. I was not home and I was tired out and I have not worked out since Saturday and Sunday was mother’s day and then the second part of Monday and all day Tuesday and Wednesday I was at my mother in laws making less than healthy choices. I am back at it today and I am going to drink a lot of water and probably cut back on my calories for today to get myself back in the game. I will also do some of my workout when I get home. I know it’s going to be so much harder since I had nearly three days off and I feel like it ruined me. My week as far as other things goes like emotions and mental state of mind has been decent…not awesome and flying high but up until last night (more on that in a minute) I hadn’t cried or felt depressed all week. Also right now the girls at work are talking about ordering Chinese food for lunch and I feel like that’s not fair. I love Chinese food and I have not had it in so long but today I have to be good and Chinese is not a good and healthy choice. It is actually making me feel grumpy cause I could totally go for some delicious Chinese food…and instead I have freaking snow peas and grapes and nuts and that kind of stuff. I mean I am really wanting to lose the weight so no one is telling me I cannot order the Chinese food except myself, I am really mad at myself! LOL. So back to my week…I spent a good amount of the week with people. I am better when I am around people most of the time. I have a few moments where too many people are overwhelming but generally they are a helpful distraction. I spent pretty much from Saturday until last night with family every single night and it was good. I did come to the conclusion that baby sitting for days at a time is a sneak preview of stay at home motherhood and that right there is…exhausting! I was with my sister in law so its not like I was doing it alone at all and honestly she did a lot of the work but I tried to help her and be up at the same time as her and just make it more of a team thing and it really kicked my butt. Even with the two boys at school for a good part of the day it was like wow! Being at stay at home mom and homeschooling your kids must be insane and I give major props to all moms out there that stay home with your kids. I still want to do it with my future babies and no, it did not ruin me in the least, but it definitely gave me an appreciation for that kind of thing. There were parts of the week where I was like OMG I need a nap right now or I might die and then there were moments where it was the most fulfilling feeling to be caring for kids…even someone else’s. I mean they were my little brother in laws so of course I love them like family but if I felt all good making sure they were ok throughout the day then I can only imagine the feeling of protecting and loving your own child. Well yesterday when we were waiting for the parents to arrive so we could leave I kept thinking how happy I would be to get home. I wanted quite and sleep and a good nights sleep. I know my house has to be cleaned and although I knew it wouldn’t get done last night I just felt like being at home would be good. So finally the parents came back home and I bundled my sister in law and nephew into my car and realized…I was going home alone. My sister was so happy to get home so her son would sleep normally and eat on his schedule and all kinds of things, she was excited to get home to her husband and I completely get that. There would have been a time where that would have been me but not now. I pushed off my sudden feelings of distress as being over tired then I got my sister and nephew home and into the door of their apartment and I got back in my car and it felt eerily silent. The noise that had previously been a little obnoxious was all gone and it left me feeling lonely not relieved. I felt really crappy and discouraged and also tired so it didn’t help. I could not get myself all happy and there was nothing to look forward to and so I started feeling so sad. I wasn’t sobbing and my eyes were not all blurred with tears, no this was not a dramatic display of my overwrought emotions, but then all of the sudden a tear ran down my cheek. It was then that I was thinking ‘ok go home and lay down.’ As usual when I start feeling like this I end up relapsing into why I am so upset and it all comes down to one thing. I am not where I want to be. I envisioned my life completely different from where it ended up. I am not building a strong marriage and starting a family and when I go home I am not going home to take care of anyone and I am not even going to a home that’s really mine. This is really hard to swallow sometimes. It’s not everyday and it is better than it used to be but it still hurts and upsets me. Then, the thing is I do not get angry with my husband, I do not start blaming him and hating him, I start missing him and wishing our life was so different.  I start feeling like I want to talk to him and I want him to tell me its all going to work out and that things look so bad right now but that he is always gonna be there for me and that we will make it. That’s not reality at all and it’s not the way it is, not even a little bit but because he was my hero, my protector and my love I still always think that maybe he can be the one that can make this all go away. Nope he is the one that made this all happen, this was his choice, his decision and so no, I don’t call him or text him or beg him to change. I got home and decided to rest and even though it was evening I figured a little nap wouldn’t hurt and I would end up feeling so much better. what actually happened was that I laid in my bed for 30 minutes feeling like life was too much. I cried a little and missed my husband a lot and then lamented the fact that I just can’t say that to anyone. Most people don’t understand how you miss someone that caused you so much pain. They try to pretend to understand but always follow it up with the famous line of “you’re better off now.” ok yes in some ways I am so they are right but they don’t get it and so I keep all of it to myself. I keep locked deep inside and it hurts sometimes more than it should. I let it get too far before I realize I have a remedy. I have a protector and a love that will never leave me. I have a God who can change things and make my life good and yet sometimes I sit there and just let the pain happen and the tears flow and I let myself feel how bad it hurts. I think that it may be sick but sometimes I feel like if I cant feel the pain anymore then I don’t care like I should and the love I have for him is dwindling…I don’t want the love to go away. I forget that I can love him and live my life without him. I forget that God wants my life to be full of love but not full of sorrow and that loving someone doesn’t mean mourning them. I forget that God cares about my husband too and that I can pray about it and talk to him and he listens and he cares. So yesterday with my face buried in the pillow so that I wouldn’t start screaming I realized I have to talk to God about it. So I did and I then I got off of my bed and I started some laundry. I felt better but I still felt lonely so I called my older sister and this is where I give her a shout out and tell you how awesome she is:

                My older sister Rachel moved 4,000+ miles away back in February and almost every week since then I have listed a new reason why I need her to come home. Just yesterday I asked her to come home because I needed someone to go on a walk with me. I miss her so much because I relied on her when I was at my lowest. Even if I was not with her physically she was always there for me and she would always drop whatever she was doing and come to me or take my call. We would go out to dinners and get food all of the time and have pedicures and all kinds of stuff. She has the three kids that stole my heart even though they may be demons. With her and her kids on my side there was never a dull moment. She is also my sister that has gone through more and some similar things to what I have been through and so she is the one that understands. She is the one that says things that a lot of times annoy me because she is blunt. She is point blank and she doesn’t always communicate it in the best way but she always says the truth and if she feels like she is wrong she has no problem retracting what she has said. She can make me so mad but can also calm me down like no one else. The biggest problem is that I am like her, maybe a more watered down version but we are definitely alike. She has always been there for me and supported me and losing her company has been horrorific. I miss her every single day and I still wish she lived here. Since she has been gone she has still been the best friend and sister. We text almost every single day all throughout the day and I talk to her on the phone pretty frequently. When I am losing my mind I go to her and she has learned how to talk me down and she never makes me feel stupid for why I am upset. She has been a supporter for me even when she is going through her own issues and she has put me first. I have a lot of supporters and so I don’t know if she is the biggest supporter because there are a few that have been supportive through everything but she is definitely my most vocal supporter. I love her and I miss her every single day and I am so happy that distance does not stop her from being my big sister. Last night she was there again and she just talked and told me funny stories about my niece and made my whole night much better♥