Moving on to Being Wanted

            Moving on…this phrase seems so ominous; so much of it is unknown. I am not even sure that, that is the phrase I would use to describe what I want now. I just know that as of lately I am done with where I am and what I have allowed so far. I guess “moving forward” has a more positive ring to it. I think in reality what I want, what I have decided that I need is to be wanted. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where I wonder if I am wanted and yet seeing by action that I am not. I shouldn't have to wonder at all, I should know for a fact that if I had been wanted then I would have been kept. So I here I am at another phase of life and I have decided that its time to get up and its time to act on what I want out of the future. I think I have been doing this all along really, maybe in my own way and in my own time but I know that not one day has gone by that I have stayed the same. I know that recently I took a look back and suddenly where I had been and where I am now seemed like miles apart. When I realized this I was not comforted, I was scared. I still am. I am not necessarily fearful and shaking but I am leery…I am cautious. I am stepping out and I am thinking, this may not be exactly what you wanted either. I just know that sitting here hoping to be wanted is not where I want to stay. I have branched out a little, made some new friends, let some new people in to my life, allowed myself to be open and for the first time last night I knew for a fact that I was not the same. My feelings and my opinions have changed and my hopes and dreams aren't far behind that and when I knew this I cried my eyes out. You see there is comfort in knowing for sure what you want and waiting for it but there is a difference in that and being comfortable enough to not let life happen. I was there. I was living but all the while there was a part of me that was dying, there was a part of me that I was keeping secret and safe. The hoping was becoming my deception because what I hoped for I was staying for and you cannot stay the same. Your life will change you and your circumstances will shape you and yes you can choose how they do but not changing, that’s dangerous. So yes, I suddenly realize I had to change, that I had been changing all along and that now my heart and my mind were finally catching up with this and I hated it. I berated myself for the all the statements that I have made that I don’t even know if I agree with anymore. I cried as I felt every dream I kept safe and hidden finally being washed away to make room for new dreams. Part of me does not want the new; I want the old to be OK, to be right. Of course those of you who know me know what I am referring to. My husband, my marriage, the one thing that has stalled me in my life. I don’t know how every single day up until this point I have said ‘I love him and I cannot leave him. I cannot let him do this alone. Do what alone? Leave? Damage himself as well as others? What do I honestly feel like I am leaving him alone to do? Am I leaving him alone to survive? I know he did it to me, I know none of the failure is my fault. I know and yet I have held on with all of my might. I think for a while it was necessary to still feel like I could help him, like I could be there for him. I think it kept me sane for a lot of this past year but then I remember…it has been a year. Nothing is better with us, thing have in a way gotten worse and I feel like part of me has just kept living except this one part. There is this one part that just needed to be where it was at but, no more. This part of me is trying so hard to catch up with the rest of me and just keep moving forward. I hate and I love looking back. I love that there is good behind and there are lessons but I hate that it makes me hurt and it makes me cry. When I look back now at last year all I can see is pain. I have to go further back then a year ago to see happiness and when you can’t even see a good memory in the past year you start to realize that its time. I don’t mean that there are no good memories in any part of my life, I just mean in my marriage. I just mean in the one thing that has been my constant battle. Life in general has been good, life is good but this one thing needs to be done. When you finally take a breath and look someone in the eye and tell that them that you are ready to feel wanted again they’re reactions vary but none of them help or make you feel better. You can go from sympathetic smiles to shouts of victory and you know they mean well but you can’t imagine how they feel happy when you feel so scared. People have literally said ‘oh I am so happy that you’re FINALLY there.’ I kind of nod and smile because I think yeah…thanks, but do they know what they are saying? I am so happy that you’re finally over your husband leaving you and humiliating you? I’m not… or oh I am so happy that you’re finally not in love with that person anymore…I am. I don’t think they know that I am no where near over him I am just getting over just life we had together. I am not ready to marry the first guy that smiles at me. I am just finally ready to be wanted again. I am ready to be worthy to someone. That doesn't mean today or tomorrow it just means that I have learned that you can want and feel like you need someone and that someone can not need or want you at all. They can live without you no matter how many tears and prayers have gone out on their behalf. I have learned that, I may have even accepted that. It doesn't make the love go away but it puts the love in perspective and it lets you take that step. The moving forward really hurts; it causes some confusion such as…how can I move without my everything? He was my everything. And then you remember that in the past year you have gotten up every single day and handled life without your “everything.” At one time he was everything I wanted but I was not everything he wanted. That needs to be mutual. The love is not lost it is just different now because I am different now. I can’t say that there will not be times of hope, that I won’t sometimes feel the loss and beg God for another miracle. I cannot even say that I am not still praying for a miracle every single day but I can say that no matter where I go from here, I am going completely. I am moving forward in every single way and I moving on to being wanted. 

I don't Know

            I wore make-up to work today, I never do that. I had a rough night last night and I wasn't even awake. I know that sounds crazy but somehow in my sleep last night I kind of lost it. It was so bad that I woke myself up this morning because I was sobbing..in my sleep, because of my dream but it transferred into a physical reality. I woke and had tears in my eyes felt like I had been awake and crying all night. When I woke up I just stayed in bed thinking ‘OK you’re awake now. This dream cannot hurt you, it wasn't real, that didn't happen.’ The problem is the situation in the dream is going to happen. It will be a reality for me, I am going to have to deal with it and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it and wish somehow it would all go away. What scared me the most when I finally woke up was how badly I reacted to the situation in my dream. Some things you just cannot prepare yourself for and this is one of those things. Now I’m scared…what if that’s how it really goes down? Wonder if I lose it and spend days and days of my life sobbing and crying and undoing all the careful planning and work I have put into protecting my heart and my mind. Wonder if I don’t handle this as well as I thought I was going to? Wonder if I am not OK after this? In my dream I felt completely betrayed by people that I know love me and that I know are on my side. I knew they weren't trying to hurt me and that what they did was not wrong on their part but it felt like I wasn't considered at all in the situation. The feeling and the problem was mine and I am worried that I may feel that way in real life. Needless to say I didn't wake up and then breathe a sigh of relief, I woke up with puffy red eyes from crying in my sleep and then cried some more. One more time I begged God to please make it all go away…literally all of it. The other kicker was that in my dream my older sister was here and she was taking care of me and making sure that I was OK. She sat by me while I was crying my eyes out. In real life when this happens she won’t be here. She is thousands of miles away. That reminder made me cry even more because a lot of times she has been the one who forces me to be strong, to go out, and to not wallow. It brought me to another thought; I don’t know if what I thought I wanted is really what I want. I have spent the past year of my life praying for a miracle, a specific miracle and now after all of that time I don’t know if that’s what I want. I mean I do, but what I want comes with all kinds of conditions like, I only want it if this happens or if it’s not this way and so on and so forth. I mean I know a miracle is all encompassing but wonder if its not the way I want it? Wonder if yeah, I get what I wanted but it comes at a high price that I am too tired and too worn out to pay? Its just one of those days, I have a lot of questions and I am exhausted. I hope this passes and that tomorrow I wake up knowing exactly what I want again and I go after that. I hate the not knowing and the seeming confusion. It just feels so wrong; it feels like I am fighting a battle that I shouldn't even be fighting. This is my life; this is what I have been living with and its one of those things that I hide away. Its going to get harder to hide, soon its going to be something that I am facing head on and the biggest fear is that I don’t know how I am going to get through it. I have gotten through so much in my life in this past year and I have made it, I have really made it. Now here comes something else, a different thing but still stemming from the same situation and I am just sick and tired of it. I think what I really want is to be done; I just want to be done with it all. I want to walk away and never look back. I just know that when I walk away I will lose something and in this moment right now I think I am OK with that but when I wake up tomorrow I may not feel the same. I may wake up fine and ready to fight for that again. You see for me staying in this is costing me but walking away will cost me too. For now I will keep living in hope, hope for the future, hope for a better tomorrow. I don’t know if it will come from walking away or from sitting this out and waiting but whatever way it goes I am going to need the strength to do it. 

You Get Better

            Something happens that breaks your heart and its something that you think you will never get through or get over. It’s something that haunts you day and night, in your dreams, while you are at work, in the store, everywhere and every second. Sometimes the days after it happens are actually harder and it’s not like within the first week you will start to feel better. Depending on the kind of heart break you may not even feel better in the first few months but someday you will wake up and realize that you can breathe a little easier and suddenly you start to understand that you will get better.

            One night you will go to bed and be crying your eyes out and begging God for a miracle and you will cry so hard that you will wake up with a sore throat and eyes that are swollen shut and as you look at yourself even though you look like you just battled your way through hell you remember that the tears you cried last night were the first ones in a couple of days and although it still hurts you begin to notice that you are getting better.

            There will be a time when you are looking in the mirror and you will be thinking how beautiful you are and how whole you are and you will feel invincible and it will feel like freedom but just as quickly you will be reminded of why this is a new feeling. You will be reminded that something hurt you and took away your confidence and for a moment you will get tears in your eyes and suck in your breath so you don’t cry and when that feeling of hurt passes you can go back to knowing you are complete and you have worth. Even though there was a moment of fear you will know for sure that just thinking about how beautiful you are is proof that you are getting better.

            There will be things that you ignore and that you lock up carefully somewhere deep inside so that they can no longer hurt you and yet at times people will say or do something that is a reminder of what you have hidden away. In that moment there will be a panic unlike any other because you are being reminded of something that you put away so you wouldn't have to deal with it and now its in your face and you still don’t think you can deal with it. Its sitting right there like some kind of gift from the pits of hell and the fear you feel is real. In that moment you will remember that the secret things that break your heart do not change the truth. The truth is that God holds you and he knows what is hidden and he is still taking care of that and he is still in control. When you have remembered this and the panic subsides you can know that having that assurance means that you are getting better.

            Sometimes you will be hanging out with friends and you will be laughing and smiling and living, really living and because of that and because you are getting better you start to feel guilty. It makes you sick to your stomach to know that something that changed your life and broke your heart was so far back in your mind that you were actually OK. That’s actually more scary than the thought of never being OK again…I don’t know why but I understand that. I also know that when it happens it is OK, it’s OK to feel what you are feeling but just remember that it means every single day you are getting better.

            Some days you will feel like you don’t want to get better and that getting better means forgetting and forgetting is scary so you sit in a dark room and finally let yourself feel all of the negative things. The thoughts that you have when it’s quite and your brain is not in a million other directions and you know that’s unhealthy and you know that this is something that could send you over the edge but you just want to feel pain again. You want to feel it again so you can remind yourself that something important that you loved was ripped away from you. You don’t ever want to forget how important it was. Its not what you should be doing but its what you want to  do and no one else has to get that, no one else has to understand but something you should know is that you are getting better. You will find other, less harmful ways to feel and remember but it takes time to sort it out. It takes time to understand that something important that you loved was at one time the best thing in your life and there are good memories and you can use those to feel and remember. The bad can be put away forever. When you finally reach this point it will be so clear that you are getting better.

            The thing about getting better is that it happens… it doesn't happen in a way where you are suddenly better. It is gradual, it is slow and it is really painful but it does happen. You will learn that other people can help you and sometimes with words or hugs there is a temporary feeling of you being OK, but you don’t have a cheerleader squad on your side 24/7 and sometimes you are going to hit a low. When you hit those lows you almost feel the need to be alone and so in truth sometimes you are the one who makes you better. You have to learn how to handle this and it takes some time but you really do learn. And even though this feels like an impossibility one day you will realize that every breath, every tear cried, every scream of frustration, every high and every low is just a road to you getting better. 

My Fight

I know lately that a lot of my posts have been about fighting…fighting to do better and fighting to be better and fighting for the people you love and I guess that’s just because that’s where I am at in my life. The one thing I have realized is that even people who are not doing what’s right are fighting too. They are fighting a downhill battle and it seems easier but it’s still a fight and the end result is hell…forever. I think a lot about people and why they do what they do and I don’t have nay answers and I probably never will but there is something that I know for sure, we are all fighting a fight and there can only be one side that is victorious. God made people to love him and to serve him and when we do that we are doing what is right and we will conquer in the end and that is why I keep fighting every single day. I fight for what is right. I fight to be more than what I was and I fight to go further than where I was. This is the right fight and because of this I have God on my side and I know I win. I fight to keep being right and I conquer every single day but if it’s true that this is the way God made me then I have to think when someone is doing what is wrong it must be a battle. If God created you to be something that you are not being then you are fighting a bigger battle and the end result of that is burning in hell forever. I recently questioned someone and asked them why if you are going to fight anyways would you pick the wrong fight. I am fighting to be who God made me and I know that when I win I get to be in heaven forever. People fighting against what God wants are basically fighting their way to hell and I have to wonder how that makes sense. The only logical answer that I could come up with was that fighting a downhill battle is a lot easier than fighting an uphill battle. I don’t doubt that and I get that people tend to live in the moment and yes in the moment fighting a downhill battle seems so much easier but I cant get past what the end of that battle will be. Eternity is…well its is forever and to have a temporarily harder battle to be somewhere good forever makes more sense to me than a temporarily easy battle to be tormented forever.

            Now I would have to say that I recently realized what my biggest fight is. I fight against being the person that society says I should be. I fight against being a society stereotype and most of the time I barely know how to fight that. I am 26 years old and already have a failed marriage, eviction, horrible debt, etc going against me. I don’t have any kids and have never even been pregnant and it seems like there is no end in sight to the dilemmas of life. I don’t want to be that girl. The way I fight against this is a lot of times by hiding. I don’t want to see people that I used to know that doesn't already know what has happened in my life in the past year because I don’t want to have to once again acknowledge the damage. I fight against being the damaged person, the one who can never trust or love again, and the one that ends up single with cats. I fight against confirming the damage that every single day tries to attach itself to me. I fight to be happy and I fight to feel alive and some days this is easy and some days this is the hardest fight to get through. I love going to bed and closing my eyes and having the dreams that make me happy, but I hate waking up and remembering those dreams. Those same happy dreams make reality seem so broken. I have that person in my life that I miss and I want to talk to and I want to see every single day but then when I do I am exhausted just from their very existence and I fight against putting up walls to block feelings. I fight against putting up walls to block people and their opinions. I don’t really have to fight to not sin, I have seen what sin does first hand and I don’t want that in my life. My fight is just to not be what people expect me to be and just be who I should be. 

Keep Fighting

            I had a dream a while ago, probably about six months ago, and it was a dream that I will never forget. I dream all the time and vividly! I remember the most insignificant details about my dreams; I am a dreamer…literally. I never put much stock into my dreams. I attribute a lot of the craziness to the fact that I eat an unreal amount of junk and then go straight to bed. This dream however was in a completely different category. This dream happened a little while after I moved into my new home without my husband. In short the dream involved me and a friend and then our husbands. In my dream my friend and I were together and we were headed out to meet our husbands somewhere and as we were getting into the car I was aware of an evil demonic presence. This demon was on top of my car and trying to get into my car. I remember my friend on the passenger side with her door closed and I was yelling for her to get her phone and call her husband because this demon was going to kill us and then go after our husbands. I was trying to slam my door shut but the demon stuck its claws into the door and was stopping it from shutting all of the way. I remember being more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life and it wasn't for me and it wasn't for my friend. I was afraid for our husbands because I knew in my dream that the demon needed to kill us before it could get to our husbands and that if we were out of the way it would have an easy access. I remember looking over at my friend as I slammed the door again and again just hoping it would close and she was trying to call her husband. I remember this feeling of despair as I realized it was too late and that we were going to die. Then I turned back to my door and this female demonic spirit was leaning over my car and staring into my window. I can’t explain to you how I knew it was a female or how I knew it really just wanted our husbands but I knew that my death wouldn't be the victory for this creature, it would just be small step towards getting to the real victims. The last thing I remember about the dream is seeing that evil face leering at me. Then I woke up. I was scared out of my mind in my dream but what was worse is that when I woke up the feeling did not leave and I could feel something holding on even while I was awake. I remember laying there with my heart pounding afraid to look around my room and afraid to see anything that was trying to attack me. Finally I just whispered or maybe whimpered “Jesus”. That was it but I knew it was more than enough. Suddenly the paralyzing fear was gone and I was able to sit up in my bed and know that nothing could harm me, that even in a dream I couldn't be defeated. I started praying for all of us who had been in the dream because I fully believe that there had been attempt of an attack on all of us. I know that looking at my life in the past year and seeing how my marriage has ended in every way except legally you would think that whatever the attack was in my dream had happened in real life but that’s not true. The reason I know this is because I was already separated from my husband. Once it has happened it cannot happen again so I was not fighting for that in my dream. This was on a whole other level. Also my friend and her husband are doing awesome and they are expecting their first child in a month. So if they were in my dream because they were fighting a similar fight then they won that. Also I am not defeated, I am stronger than ever. I could not be killed in my dream or in real life so there is no way that this evil spirit got past me. I know that I am undefeated and that I have all power and there is no way there was a victory for the demon that night. I’m not crazy and I do not believe in the boogey man or zombies or anything like that but I do believe in spirits and I know for a fact that there are evil spirits that attach themselves to people. The one thing that this evil spirit didn't count on was the greater spirit that I have. I have the Holy Ghost and absolutely nothing evil can touch me. The reason that I have been thinking about this dream today is because this was a fight in the spiritual and the church is fighting every single day and we are winning. I start to feel so exhausted at times and do not want to fight anymore. I get so caught up in everything else in life and I start battling people. Then that the fight becomes more than I can handle. The thing is…I want to fight. There are people that I love so much that are spiritually dying and I don’t want to sit back and watch that happen. I don’t want to be fighting the wrong fight and end up watching everyone I love die in the process. I don’t want anyone going to hell. That goes for people I know, people I don’t know, people that feel like they don’t deserve it, everyone! I mean I am fighting my own fight and you cannot really fight someone else’s fight but you can pray. You can start loosing things and setting people free. Obviously I am speaking about the church, the people with the power. We tend to make statements, even in innocence and then think that they have no repercussions. They do. If we have the power to bind things or loose things I don’t want to say that anyone is going to hell, or that they can never change. I don’t want to be binding them up in chains when I could be claiming their salvation and loosing them to be free and have an amazing life. I want to fight the real fight, the spiritual fight and just love people. I want the kind of love for everyone that can set them free. I don’t want to be in control of them or feel like I have to save them on my own, but I want to be fight off any evil thing binding them. I don’t want to be weary or exhausted in this, I want to excel and be what I am supposed to be. When I think about that dream I think about the fact that in those very moments there was a fight happening. I may have been asleep but there was fight anyways. I don’t even want to be unprepared; I want to do what I have to do to be ready. The thing is…the battle is already won. I am already victorious, I win! I want to live like I win. I want to warrior through this with the knowledge that this is a done deal. I don’t have to be afraid. I don’t want anyone who has the power that I have to be afraid. You are not doing something that will not be victorious. You are winning every single day. Say that prayer for someone you love or better yet for someone you can’t stand. Speak the truth and stand up for what is right. Don’t lose hope. Fight the fight! We will come, we will fight, and we will conquer!

Just a thought

            I don’t get the women that say they don’t want a man to take care of them. I know from personal experience that this is not necessary, but to say that you don’t want that, makes you broken. I get the being broken part, I really do. It’s what I strive every single day not to be. I don’t want to be a broken and bitter mess and when I find myself falling into that I cringe. There is nothing more unattractive on a woman than the sick idea that she doesn’t need anyone in her life, that she doesn’t need help and that she doesn’t need the love of a man. I see a lot of women act like that and say that they don’t need someone to take care of them and guess what? I don’t often see those women in a relationship or at least a very happy one. If you have been hurt and betrayed it is so much easier to just look at life and think you’re better off on your own and doing it all yourself. That’s not the way that it should be. I have been “doing it alone” for almost a year now and I am exhausted and worn out every single day of my life. I want for someone to take care of me, I know I can do it myself, I have been proving that for the past year. I do not want to do it alone. I want help and I want someone to love me, and trust me, and be my best friend. The absence of that has been the worst part of the separation from my husband. For those of you married and in a good relationship, you know that feeling you get when you have been home alone or with the kids all day and then your husband walks in and just his presence alone makes you feel better? I miss that. I am a scaredy cat and being home alone at night just sucks. My imagination is super over active and I pretty much imagine myself being killed in my bed at least once a night. I never had those issues lying next to my husband…not ever. I hate horror movies, I don’t like aliens, ghosts, zombies, vampires, spiders, snakes…the list goes on. If I watch something remotely scary I have to follow it up with a kid’s movie or show just to fall asleep. I literally just put Sabrina the Teenage Witch on my hulu instant queue as a fall back for when I see something that makes me nervous. I didn’t have that problem with a man in my bed. In my household my husband was the physical strength, he liked and I liked it. I didn’t feel the need to emasculate him and make him feel like I was just as strong as he was. In the event of a zombie apocalypse I was completely safe ;) I built him up and confirmed his masculinity. I want someone who can fight for me and for our family if necessary. I want someone who can protect my home. I want someone who when they walk in I don’t think, yeah I could have handled this all on my own. I honestly think that women who set themselves up to be super independent and just as strong as any man have set themselves up for a disappointing life. I don’t think women should be uneducated and not able to work or vote or have a brain…this isn’t a third world country. I don’t even think that a woman shouldn’t know how to change a tire or hang a picture, but I think that there needs to be a balance between necessity and throwing away your femininity. Sure learn how to change that tire in case of an emergency but seriously don’t push a man away if he is willing to do it for you. It is in a man’s (a real man) make- up to provide care and protection. It is in a woman’s (a real woman) make- up to allow and accept that. My biggest fear for my life is that I would be too busy trying to do everything on my own that I don’t allow room for a man, that I will be 40 and too tough. I do what I have to do to live but as soon as my hero is ready to fly in rescue me, I will be ready and waiting. 

To the Husbands of the Good Wives

Dear Husbands,

                This is what we want you to know and sometimes cannot voice to you or, we cannot find the words to say to tell you because when we do it comes out sounding ridiculous or silly.

                First of all we love you; we love you more than we have ever loved anyone else. We love being with you all of the time and although “girl’s night” is fun we spend the whole night thinking about you and we are excited to get home and see you. We don’t really get what you mean when you say time apart is good because we do not feel that way. We don’t think you are a bad husband when you say you need to get out with the guys but it hurts a little when you act like you need time away from us. We make a big deal about things like that not because we think every time you go out you are lying to us but we make a big deal about it because it feels like rejection even when it isn’t. We said yes to marrying you because we loved being with you and we think time with you makes us better and makes our life amazing.

                We love doing things for you. We have a lot going on when we get married to you because we have to take on things that before us your mother did or sometimes you did yourself but not as well as we do it. So basically we take over being your mom in the way where we make sure you have clean clothes and a clean home and food to eat. Not only do we take over that but we also take on being your best friend and your lover. When you get sick we want to be the ones that nurse you back to health. We do make fun of you for the way a cold will keep you bed ridden for days at a time but that’s just a front. We love playing “nurse” for you. We hate that when you are sick sometimes your mom still tries to come take care of you. We feel like she is overstepping her boundaries and we want her gone. No, not dead but out of state or something. No, you are no longer her baby, you are our husband and we don’t call her to come clean the bathroom or cook your meals so we most certainly don’t want her help when you have the sniffles. We would rather be stressed out and moody than admit that we are having trouble keeping up with everything. We want to do it all and be it all for you and we wouldn’t change this for the world but it can be overwhelming. We want everything to be perfect for you and when its not we tend to lash out…at you. I know its crazy and you won’t get it but when something goes wrong and we feel like we have let you down we get really frustrated with everything. Sorry this probably won’t ever change just like your reaction to it probably won’t change.

                If we argue, no matter how big or small we want to make up in a big way. It has to be completely clear in our minds that the argument is over and that you like us again. We don’t need the silent treatment to know we were being a brat…we usually know while we are doing it. If the argument is your fault we do want an apology but mostly we just want to be happy and feel like you love us. Seriously, most of our bratty moods come from our insecurities.

                When you asked us to marry you, you gave us a gift. Yes the ring, and yes we care about the ring but not so much the size just that you gave us the best that you could because we are worth it. The best gift was the worth that you gave us, you set us apart and that meant more to us than anything. You gave us a confidence that only betrayal from you could shake. We felt like the luckiest girl in the world that day and we still do. Sometimes we wake up in the middle of the night and we see you next to us and we just smile. We feel like the chosen one…mostly because we are. The saying that a happy girl is the prettiest kind of girl is so true! When we feel loved and safe our whole personality is better and when we feel good we want to look good.

                We really do think you are the best looking guy in the world. We know you have seen better looking people than us and we know you are aware that we have seen better looking people but to us you are it. There is no one else in the world that can compare to you because Adam Levine has not loved us and taken care of us like you have. We are not as physically oriented as you are so yes, we are attracted to the man who takes care of us. You are our hero every single day. We will make comments about other guys to get back at you for talking about other girls but it’s not serious it is just retaliation. We are jealous (if there is a woman who says she isn’t she is lying and she is not a good wife). We are not jealous in the way where we think you even have a chance with Adriana Lima or Megan Fox but we are jealous in the way where we can’t airbrush our bodies for you and we like to eat. Once again we know that you being attracted to other people doesn’t make you a bad husband at all but we are still going to secretly (or not so secretly) hate that other girl. We feel less pretty when compared to others even if we know we are better looking.

                If you betray us or walk away from us you may as well have told us we are worthless. You have taken away something amazing and beautiful and we know it will get better but we don’t ever feel like we will be the same. Just because you may have decided that you didn’t love us doesn’t mean our love for you was able to disappear. We still have the same love and care for you and it’s haunting. If you don’t walk away but you have betrayed us and want to work things out with us it’s basically starting over. No, we don’t trust you anymore but we love you and we want to build that trust back up again. We know we can’t keep bringing the past up because or relationship is new but we have moments where the memory of your betrayal takes our breath away and we don’t know what to do. Give us time and don’t yell at us for being upset. Understand that if we didn’t want things to work out we wouldn’t be here trying but also realize that it’s going to take time and effort on your part and if we aren’t worth that then don’t come back.

                When we first get married and you get sick it scares us. We feel like you may die and since you act like you are going to die its easier for us to get worked up over. I guess we know a cold isn’t going to kill you but at the same time you are our hero and seeing you weak and sickly makes us worry. Sometimes we put on a brave face when we are handing you your Nyquil and then we get all teary eyed when we walk out of the room. It doesn’t help our mental state that we stayed up all night making sure you were sleeping and not dead. We know it’s crazy and uncalled for to be that worried but we love you and we don’t want anything bad to happen to you.

                We believe in you more than anyone else ever has. We may disagree with you about things but we think you can do anything. You are our husband and we seriously adore you.

                                                                                                                                Sincerely,

                                                                                                                           The Good Wives